I've noticed I only write good poetry when my heart feels cracked and broken. It makes me think maybe we only write anything moving when we face our own lack and shortcoming- our utter nothingness, and we write nothing powerful or redeeming unless we recognize in it our only hope, Him.
I think all of my real writing has begun in the same spot: Am I enough?
I find this same question in David's poetry, and I find the same answer my own heart's discovered many nights.
If the Lord had not been my help,
my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.
When I thought, "My foot slips,"
your steadfast love, O Lord held me up.
When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.
Can wicked rulers be allied with you,
those who frame injustice by statute?
They band together against the life of the righteous,
and condemn the innocent to death.
But the Lord has become my stronghold
and my God the rock of my refuge.
Psalm 94:17-22
What comfort it is to know the Lord is on my side. I must merely trust Him, and who better to have hold my heart and my hand then my Maker. Though a man may swear to lay down his life for his love, the Lover of my Soul already has. He fights on my side. He's laid out His plans for He and I. I know they are good. And I know He's good to bring them about. Peace.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
I just have to say:
My sister Kristin in an unbelievable sister. In being a sister, she has never failed.
She's driven me to soccer practices, protected me, loved me, bought me my dream dress and heals for my first dance, made me believe I'm brilliant, unique, funny, beautiful, adorable, and loved. She's surprised me for no reason at all with a gerber daisy or iced white mocha at school, bought me a beautiful necklace with the prettiest garnets (my birthstone) I've ever seen. That's just like her too, to take something about me that I don't see as beautiful, and show me that it is. A garnet, I'd always believed to be an ugly cheap brownish stone- she found the rarest ones and they glow like fire, and she bought me a burning cross to wear upon my chest. I cry each time I think back to how she'd wake me up at 4am to go open with her at Pete's Coffee, buy me some breakfast and make me a hot chocolate while I studied at dawn. Then she'd take her lunch break to run me to school in the morning. She'd pick me up at 3pm and drive me to Redmond, we'd get dinner and then she'd drop me off at practice. She'd read a book or go rock climbing, or for a run at the park and then she'd be waiting for me after practice was done.
She's my big sister, and I've never known another to embody such self-sacrifice, love, and commitment for a sibling. She's spent all her money and time on me- sometimes not because I needed it, but because she knew I wanted it.
We've said terrible things to one another (not often, but we have), we've teased one another, and mostly we've laughed and chatted for hours in the midst of our family- them wondering what the heck we are even talking about and why exactly it's funny. We've even been kicked off a family vacation, together. We've shared secrets. We've stepped up to lines, sometimes standing on opposite sides, and we've told the other we respect their decision, because we know the strength and faith in the other's heart.
I know I don't see everything the same as my sister. I know I don't think through things the same way. I know I am created differently, and called to accomplish different things. I know I want to love and give myself the way she has to me. I know I want to make her feel brilliant, beautiful, unique and funny like she has me. I know I want her to know I love her, respect her and really do want the world to see just how magnificent she is. I want them to know that there is always more then they will ever see or know- luckily I am her sister, and a sister always gets the privilege of seeing, feeling and sharing what no one else can quite know or understand.
I owe my sister Kristin more than any of you will ever know. She's held me up, even while both of our hearts were falling, in hopes that she might at least cushion my fall.
I get mooshy over all those cheesy sister quotes, because for us three, they're real.
Lord, bless Kristin. Give her strength to finish her B.A. strong- let all that she's poured out for me, be given back to her doubly so. Cover her, guard her, guide her, delight her with Yourself. Let your joy and strength be her comfort. You oh God really are our mighty fortress! Reveal to her your delight in her, and give her even more passion and vision of who You've created her to be. Fulfill the dreams you've placed in her heart. Let this really be her year.
Love you Krissy Poo-Poo.
XOXO.
Ubi-boobie
My sister Kristin in an unbelievable sister. In being a sister, she has never failed.
She's driven me to soccer practices, protected me, loved me, bought me my dream dress and heals for my first dance, made me believe I'm brilliant, unique, funny, beautiful, adorable, and loved. She's surprised me for no reason at all with a gerber daisy or iced white mocha at school, bought me a beautiful necklace with the prettiest garnets (my birthstone) I've ever seen. That's just like her too, to take something about me that I don't see as beautiful, and show me that it is. A garnet, I'd always believed to be an ugly cheap brownish stone- she found the rarest ones and they glow like fire, and she bought me a burning cross to wear upon my chest. I cry each time I think back to how she'd wake me up at 4am to go open with her at Pete's Coffee, buy me some breakfast and make me a hot chocolate while I studied at dawn. Then she'd take her lunch break to run me to school in the morning. She'd pick me up at 3pm and drive me to Redmond, we'd get dinner and then she'd drop me off at practice. She'd read a book or go rock climbing, or for a run at the park and then she'd be waiting for me after practice was done.
She's my big sister, and I've never known another to embody such self-sacrifice, love, and commitment for a sibling. She's spent all her money and time on me- sometimes not because I needed it, but because she knew I wanted it.
We've said terrible things to one another (not often, but we have), we've teased one another, and mostly we've laughed and chatted for hours in the midst of our family- them wondering what the heck we are even talking about and why exactly it's funny. We've even been kicked off a family vacation, together. We've shared secrets. We've stepped up to lines, sometimes standing on opposite sides, and we've told the other we respect their decision, because we know the strength and faith in the other's heart. I know I don't see everything the same as my sister. I know I don't think through things the same way. I know I am created differently, and called to accomplish different things. I know I want to love and give myself the way she has to me. I know I want to make her feel brilliant, beautiful, unique and funny like she has me. I know I want her to know I love her, respect her and really do want the world to see just how magnificent she is. I want them to know that there is always more then they will ever see or know- luckily I am her sister, and a sister always gets the privilege of seeing, feeling and sharing what no one else can quite know or understand.
I owe my sister Kristin more than any of you will ever know. She's held me up, even while both of our hearts were falling, in hopes that she might at least cushion my fall.
I get mooshy over all those cheesy sister quotes, because for us three, they're real.
Lord, bless Kristin. Give her strength to finish her B.A. strong- let all that she's poured out for me, be given back to her doubly so. Cover her, guard her, guide her, delight her with Yourself. Let your joy and strength be her comfort. You oh God really are our mighty fortress! Reveal to her your delight in her, and give her even more passion and vision of who You've created her to be. Fulfill the dreams you've placed in her heart. Let this really be her year.
Love you Krissy Poo-Poo.
XOXO.
Ubi-boobie
Feeling crappy.
I've been shaky and feeling grose all day. When I thought I was actually doing pretty good, I arrived at work and my coworker informed me, "Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days."
I kinda laughed and told her I had both a nap and 8 hours of sleep last night- but still feeling a little weak.
I'm not sure if it's just me not being diligent enough to get protein amidst this fast, or if I am really fighting off something- I think it might be a bit of both. I've passed out at work before and the consequent day of tests in the ER taught me that I'm not as strong as I like to think... I have to be wise and take care of my body. Today was a bit of a check... thinking over the last couple days, I'm definitely dehydrated, short on rest, low on protein, and higher on emotional and mental stress than I ought to be. Thankfully, I'm learning to recognize the little tap-tap and not running 'til I drop, literally.
Not to mention, whatever is going on in my heart and head always shows on my face. There was a lot going on in my heart and head as I walked in to work... I made it through the shift by a lot of prayer and I am finally about to spend a little QT with my Maker, my hope is He'll bring me some peace. :)
Surrender is always so sweet. "I will not give to you that which costs me nothing."
I've been shaky and feeling grose all day. When I thought I was actually doing pretty good, I arrived at work and my coworker informed me, "Are you okay? You look like you haven't slept in days."
I kinda laughed and told her I had both a nap and 8 hours of sleep last night- but still feeling a little weak.
I'm not sure if it's just me not being diligent enough to get protein amidst this fast, or if I am really fighting off something- I think it might be a bit of both. I've passed out at work before and the consequent day of tests in the ER taught me that I'm not as strong as I like to think... I have to be wise and take care of my body. Today was a bit of a check... thinking over the last couple days, I'm definitely dehydrated, short on rest, low on protein, and higher on emotional and mental stress than I ought to be. Thankfully, I'm learning to recognize the little tap-tap and not running 'til I drop, literally.
Not to mention, whatever is going on in my heart and head always shows on my face. There was a lot going on in my heart and head as I walked in to work... I made it through the shift by a lot of prayer and I am finally about to spend a little QT with my Maker, my hope is He'll bring me some peace. :)
Surrender is always so sweet. "I will not give to you that which costs me nothing."
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Granted I only had a few hours of sleep last night, it was due to spending an excellent evening with a number of the coolest people I know, watching an amazing film I'd be ashamed to admit I'd never seen. I woke up feeling a bit like the walking dead and headed to open at Starbucks with my buddy Theresa... undoubtably my favorite to open with. :)
Though busy, it was a good morning overall. I'm training in the Coffee Masters program, which I love. I love learning about all the process of the different beans, about the different farms they come from, the distinctive regional tastes and traditions. In short, I love to learn the story. I love to learn the story behind a friend. I love to hear the story behind a war. I love to hear the story behind a marriage, new or time-tested. I love to hear the story behind a photograph- or if ungiven, to write the story for myself. And as it turns out, I love to hear the story behind a bag of beans. Where it came from, how it was grown, who named it, what the recipe is, what sort of people might drink it and with what- what stories might it fall into in the future?
After work, I got to take a nap- there are few delights like a hot shower and a good nap- waking up to a clean, organized room with no rush or place to go.
Now, I am reading a book (granted, for school.... but still, I'm getting to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes) and thinking I'll go make a pot of coffee.
This is a beautiful winter Saturday.
(I stole the image form Madison's blog post this evening... Mad, if you don't already know: I'm a nerd about books, art, buildings, doors, travels, photos, pens, trees, people, STORIES... anything beautiful without contriving)
Though busy, it was a good morning overall. I'm training in the Coffee Masters program, which I love. I love learning about all the process of the different beans, about the different farms they come from, the distinctive regional tastes and traditions. In short, I love to learn the story. I love to learn the story behind a friend. I love to hear the story behind a war. I love to hear the story behind a marriage, new or time-tested. I love to hear the story behind a photograph- or if ungiven, to write the story for myself. And as it turns out, I love to hear the story behind a bag of beans. Where it came from, how it was grown, who named it, what the recipe is, what sort of people might drink it and with what- what stories might it fall into in the future? After work, I got to take a nap- there are few delights like a hot shower and a good nap- waking up to a clean, organized room with no rush or place to go.
Now, I am reading a book (granted, for school.... but still, I'm getting to enjoy one of my favorite pastimes) and thinking I'll go make a pot of coffee.
This is a beautiful winter Saturday.
(I stole the image form Madison's blog post this evening... Mad, if you don't already know: I'm a nerd about books, art, buildings, doors, travels, photos, pens, trees, people, STORIES... anything beautiful without contriving)
Friday, January 29, 2010
Free-Write Friday
There was a couple kissing on the steps of one of the buildings this morning... it would have been cute if it were a photo. It wasn't, and it wasn't cute.
I do happen to own the original Nintendo (the same one we've had since we were little), and I did happen to own in a little unexpected original mario-ing last night. ;)
Extra Credit = write my name down on that list! Every extra credit opportunity I am so doing... and this quarter I have a lot of them. I was at one last night, I'll be writing another one this weekend (perhaps today), and all the rest of the quarter :)
Yesterday I organized my entire gmail inbox from the past 2 years. I deleted tons and organized the remaining into folders of friends, homegroup, discipleship, school, personal, work, recipes, etc. :) It was incredibly exciting.
I am on campus SO much these days. Sheesh.
[A second installment of Free-Thoughts]
WHAT IS UP WITH IT? I am sitting in the UVillage Starbucks just now. I look up and directly in front of me, right outside the window are two people kissing. Not cute kissing. Kinda sick kissing... perhaps it's only sick kissing because they look like they are 14. Maybe it is just me and all kissing is sick kissing today. It's like its Spring or something, goodness people!!
You should know, I'm traditionally the type to "Aww" over a cute couple walking along holding hands, sharing an umbrella or a sweet kiss. But it's like the sick-kissers are out in full force and are strategically placing themselves in MY WAY today... the ones you know probably shouldn't be allowed to kiss because they are so awkward and needy and BLAH.
I moved seats.
Now they just did too. This is like a joke. They just changed seats so I can once again see them, and they both faced the window. Hold on, let me check for a camera..... nope, I'm not being Punk'd.
Well, I have a soy chai latte, a book, some good oldies playing over the speakers, and it's dusk, my favorite time of the day... pardon me while I escape this world (and the awkward kissers outside my window) for a spell.
There was a couple kissing on the steps of one of the buildings this morning... it would have been cute if it were a photo. It wasn't, and it wasn't cute.
I do happen to own the original Nintendo (the same one we've had since we were little), and I did happen to own in a little unexpected original mario-ing last night. ;)
Extra Credit = write my name down on that list! Every extra credit opportunity I am so doing... and this quarter I have a lot of them. I was at one last night, I'll be writing another one this weekend (perhaps today), and all the rest of the quarter :)
Yesterday I organized my entire gmail inbox from the past 2 years. I deleted tons and organized the remaining into folders of friends, homegroup, discipleship, school, personal, work, recipes, etc. :) It was incredibly exciting.
I am on campus SO much these days. Sheesh.
[A second installment of Free-Thoughts]
WHAT IS UP WITH IT? I am sitting in the UVillage Starbucks just now. I look up and directly in front of me, right outside the window are two people kissing. Not cute kissing. Kinda sick kissing... perhaps it's only sick kissing because they look like they are 14. Maybe it is just me and all kissing is sick kissing today. It's like its Spring or something, goodness people!!
You should know, I'm traditionally the type to "Aww" over a cute couple walking along holding hands, sharing an umbrella or a sweet kiss. But it's like the sick-kissers are out in full force and are strategically placing themselves in MY WAY today... the ones you know probably shouldn't be allowed to kiss because they are so awkward and needy and BLAH.
I moved seats.
Now they just did too. This is like a joke. They just changed seats so I can once again see them, and they both faced the window. Hold on, let me check for a camera..... nope, I'm not being Punk'd.
Well, I have a soy chai latte, a book, some good oldies playing over the speakers, and it's dusk, my favorite time of the day... pardon me while I escape this world (and the awkward kissers outside my window) for a spell.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I'm realizing something about this frustration that's mounting in me; it's exactly what's needed to break me out of the status quo I live in. To be practical, it's going to be the overwhelming passion to travel and live an adventure that will cause me to question my spending habits. It's going to be this constant struggling to say what's real and alive and growing within my Spirit that keeps driving me to write. It's this desperation that makes me think I might break if I have to take another breath of the same air I breathed in yesterday that draws me to take a long drag of the Psalms, and the Gospels, and the epistles of Paul and Peter. Yeah, they are like my drug. I light them and breathe them in, try to hold their potency in as long as I can, 'til I have to breathe it out. I just need more.
You see, it's this frustration that's pushing me to find a new allegory, because none of the old ones fit it right. But neither do the new, yet. I'll find it though. Thats why I keep reading and writing and praising. That's why I keep breathing in this air.
That's why you do too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I look around and think, I am so rich. I wish every young person had the blessings of relationship that I have. He lavishes His goodness on me, He lavishes His wisdom, courage, patience, perseverance, understanding, forgiveness, peace, gentleness, truth, generosity, righteousness, strategy, history, pleasure on me through the quality (and quantity too!) of friendships He continues to give me and protects for me. I deserve none of you, but I'm blessed by each of you, overwhelmingly so. Thank you.
After re-reading this blog I'm wondering if the testimony of my life (or part of it) might not be this: God has no lack.
You see, it's this frustration that's pushing me to find a new allegory, because none of the old ones fit it right. But neither do the new, yet. I'll find it though. Thats why I keep reading and writing and praising. That's why I keep breathing in this air.
That's why you do too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I look around and think, I am so rich. I wish every young person had the blessings of relationship that I have. He lavishes His goodness on me, He lavishes His wisdom, courage, patience, perseverance, understanding, forgiveness, peace, gentleness, truth, generosity, righteousness, strategy, history, pleasure on me through the quality (and quantity too!) of friendships He continues to give me and protects for me. I deserve none of you, but I'm blessed by each of you, overwhelmingly so. Thank you.
After re-reading this blog I'm wondering if the testimony of my life (or part of it) might not be this: God has no lack.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I know I know- I should be writing my paper... I'm trudging through it, and I have to get this out before I can get that out (just trust me).
This morning in worship, something happened. And I don't know what it was.
All I know is Mrs. Rita Marinkovich gave a really intense word and I was brining my heart before the Lord- asking Him to search my heart, and to purge it. Then, I was singing along with the song, asking God to tear down my pride and break through the walls I've built.
I lost it. Shaking. Crying, maybe bawling. Something hit me and I couldn't even get the words out- though I kept trying.
I've been asking Him to break through my walls for a while, break me out of myself, out of my own control. I've controlled myself so long, so strictly that I don't know how not to. He starts to move on my heart, and I love it and want it, but within minutes I'm back in control and whatever was happening in my heart is over. I hate it. I want to lose control. I want to lose control to Him.
I think all the things I've been trying to control and keep from colliding, suddenly collided in my heart as He tore down walls. All day my eyes have felt like a leaky faucet, just barely holding that drop in its grasp. I wondered if strangers thought I was about to cry and maybe worried.
And now the past 4 hours I have been in the strangest 'mood.' I explained it to Ty as I want to 'explode.' And it's no typical 'explode'- not anger, or depression, or anything else you might associate it with. I almost went for a run, I've stretched tons, I've eaten 4 or 5 different types of food- just a few bites of each, had two cups of coffee and got up countless times for some other beverage that I want but can't put my finger on.
I'm restless.
I bought a new CD tonight and every song makes me want to some how consume the lyrics, light them on fire, smell their aroma. I sound like a crazy person, because I'm grasping for the words - the explanation in this physical, limited world for something huge inside me that feels like it just needs to get out, needs to stretch itself beyond my fingertips and toes and mind.
"Lock me up, I'm lovesick for just one touch. You're all I need, yet You never seem to be enough"
Melodies are feeding this thing inside of me.
"Come to the water all you who thirst and you'll thirst no more."
All at once I want this to be consumed, eaten up and spent like a fire- and I want it to go on forever.
"Come to the treasure all you who search and you'll search no more."
Writing this has really been no help.
"From His wounds we drink salvation."
I think I'm obsessed with Him... and with that revelation, the faucet loses its grip.
"Because Love is here."
This morning in worship, something happened. And I don't know what it was.
All I know is Mrs. Rita Marinkovich gave a really intense word and I was brining my heart before the Lord- asking Him to search my heart, and to purge it. Then, I was singing along with the song, asking God to tear down my pride and break through the walls I've built.
I lost it. Shaking. Crying, maybe bawling. Something hit me and I couldn't even get the words out- though I kept trying.
I've been asking Him to break through my walls for a while, break me out of myself, out of my own control. I've controlled myself so long, so strictly that I don't know how not to. He starts to move on my heart, and I love it and want it, but within minutes I'm back in control and whatever was happening in my heart is over. I hate it. I want to lose control. I want to lose control to Him.
I think all the things I've been trying to control and keep from colliding, suddenly collided in my heart as He tore down walls. All day my eyes have felt like a leaky faucet, just barely holding that drop in its grasp. I wondered if strangers thought I was about to cry and maybe worried.
And now the past 4 hours I have been in the strangest 'mood.' I explained it to Ty as I want to 'explode.' And it's no typical 'explode'- not anger, or depression, or anything else you might associate it with. I almost went for a run, I've stretched tons, I've eaten 4 or 5 different types of food- just a few bites of each, had two cups of coffee and got up countless times for some other beverage that I want but can't put my finger on.
I'm restless.
I bought a new CD tonight and every song makes me want to some how consume the lyrics, light them on fire, smell their aroma. I sound like a crazy person, because I'm grasping for the words - the explanation in this physical, limited world for something huge inside me that feels like it just needs to get out, needs to stretch itself beyond my fingertips and toes and mind.
"Lock me up, I'm lovesick for just one touch. You're all I need, yet You never seem to be enough"
Melodies are feeding this thing inside of me.
"Come to the water all you who thirst and you'll thirst no more."
All at once I want this to be consumed, eaten up and spent like a fire- and I want it to go on forever.
"Come to the treasure all you who search and you'll search no more."
Writing this has really been no help.
"From His wounds we drink salvation."
I think I'm obsessed with Him... and with that revelation, the faucet loses its grip.
"Because Love is here."
Saturday, January 23, 2010
I just had an amazing day. I wish we had more time (or took more time) to go on fun days. Brade, Mac and I headed up to Bellingham to spend the day with Erin & Chrisandra, two of our Canadian friends.
While the morning looked rather glum at first, it eventually cleared up and as we walked along the water we had mostly clear blue skies. They took us to a pizza place for lunch and then we headed to this great coffee shop directly on the waterfront where we played cards and drank coffee and laughed plenty (Erin & Chrisandra are undoubtably two of the funniest girls you'll ever meet). 
(Mac and I finally told Brade we'd all stacked the cards against him while he was getting a refill...)
After hanging out by the water and getting dinner we said goodbye and headed back. A very simple and relaxing day- no homework, no work, no stress of any form- just friends, coffee, waterfront, music, laughing and some great chats. This was a lovely day.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Free-Write Friday 
I need to get this paper written. I have an "idea" but I need 3 pages, and I need them quick (by 2:30 actually!)
I really miss my camera and I need to buy a new body for it... it would bring massive amounts of joy back into my life.
I am so lost in Geology. :/ If these 'Rocks are for Jocks,' I've been out of sports way too long because this sounds like a foreign language.
I officially must go to France. I have to see Chartres, Notre Dame (Paris), and above all Ste Chapelle in person before I die.
I went "Daniel Fast Shopping" last night, that was a new experience- there were entire aisles I now know I can skip. Plus, I've never sat and read so many "Ingredients" ... ever. I'm finding there are a LOT of vegetarian things I really like... and I've even discovered I like plain soy lattes.
I forgot to purchase lettuce and tofu last night.. two of the main things I went to purchase. (Lettuce wraps have sounded delicious!)
I also discovered this morning that a Christmas Blend french press does not taste good with honey and soy milk. You live and you learn, eh?
I love when Congregation Meetings feel like family dinners... once I was done being rather upset, I spent the rest of the night laughing and reflecting on how many incredible people I'm surrounded by.
I may have received one of the coolest birthday gifts ever last night... as Kris knows, I'd been hoping for a weapon... and I got one. :) (Don't worry dad, it doesn't fire.)
The gift giver prefaced the gift "as something for when you go running" - I thought he'd bought me a headlamp. But alas, it is a very cool knife, with a strap and case.
Love you all.
I need to get this paper written. I have an "idea" but I need 3 pages, and I need them quick (by 2:30 actually!)
I really miss my camera and I need to buy a new body for it... it would bring massive amounts of joy back into my life.
I am so lost in Geology. :/ If these 'Rocks are for Jocks,' I've been out of sports way too long because this sounds like a foreign language.
I officially must go to France. I have to see Chartres, Notre Dame (Paris), and above all Ste Chapelle in person before I die.I went "Daniel Fast Shopping" last night, that was a new experience- there were entire aisles I now know I can skip. Plus, I've never sat and read so many "Ingredients" ... ever. I'm finding there are a LOT of vegetarian things I really like... and I've even discovered I like plain soy lattes.
I forgot to purchase lettuce and tofu last night.. two of the main things I went to purchase. (Lettuce wraps have sounded delicious!) 
I also discovered this morning that a Christmas Blend french press does not taste good with honey and soy milk. You live and you learn, eh?
I love when Congregation Meetings feel like family dinners... once I was done being rather upset, I spent the rest of the night laughing and reflecting on how many incredible people I'm surrounded by. I may have received one of the coolest birthday gifts ever last night... as Kris knows, I'd been hoping for a weapon... and I got one. :) (Don't worry dad, it doesn't fire.)
The gift giver prefaced the gift "as something for when you go running" - I thought he'd bought me a headlamp. But alas, it is a very cool knife, with a strap and case. Love you all.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
So I know Bianca doesn't read this, but I have to take a moment to share my gratefulness.
What comfort can be found in the faithfulness of a discipler. One who steps into the fire beside you, truly. Who intercedes for you, and when the flames burn hot and the tongues lick your heart, reminds you you are blessed, loved, gentle, forgiving, cared for infinately, and that this fire storm will purify your heart. Who tells you 'don't run' - He's accomplishing His will, even amidst the ugliness around.
What wisdom can come from a gentle word aptly spoken.
What freedom can follow from the prodding that doesn't stop until you shout out your true thoughts, the ones you hadn't admitted in your head yet. When the one across from you listens to the lies that plague you, and then looks you in the face and speaks the truth the lies had tried to prevent your hearing. Again, and if need be, again.
What growth can come when one walks beside you, year by year and remembers your journey with you.
These are many of the blessings of a discipler who seeks to follow Christ, and love and lead as He does. And one more, which is one of my greatest comforts- the slow but eventual conviction that your discipler is true and genuine, and she fights beside you. She is a safe place to go, and she carries the Lord's heart for you.
Knowing this through the experience of the last three years has shown me the blessing of Discipleship... it's made a sceptic a believer. Bianca has stood beside me through some of my most painful hours, and she's encouraged me to hold fast. She's seen qualities in me and called them out to a greater fullness... things I didn't quite recognize myself, but others now list first in my (good) qualities. She's waited out some of my misconceptions about her. She's actually, really listened to me. She's admitted faults, and revealed purpose, strength, and the Lord's greater will. She's taught me the value of humility, graciousness, and love.....and how they can coexist with strength that holds on through fire.
Aw, I hope this has conveyed some of my gratefulness for Bianca, and especially for the Lord's goodness to place her divinely in my life and tie our hearts together over the past 3 years. The Lord's been good to me. I sincerely don't know where I'd be without discipleship in my life. And of course when I say that, everything I say of my discipler is true because of it's reflection of my Discipler.
When I look into a year that has already greeted me with a few punches and tears, I become all the more grateful for those in my life who I know will help me make it through a victor... who will look in my face and call out a lie, look in the flames and step in beside me, and look in the future and declare the Goodness of the Lord to me. I'm grateful for every person in my life who continues to sacrifice their self in obedience to the Lord, and how it plays out in all their relationships.
I'm grateful for my brother-in-law who is 'more afraid to disobey, then to lay down his dreams'- and who I know therefore invites the Lord to work in and through him and his wife. I'm grateful for my sisters', for their tenaciousness for the truth, and to seek out the Lord.
The Lord is always found by Seekers. This comforts me. If I knock and seek...
As if my heart is not overwhelmed enough by the Lord at this moment, Green Eyes just came on in UCL... it's like a love song from my Maker.... it's my song. :)
Thank You, Lord for your unending goodness, Your faithfulness that outlasts everything else, and Your love that conquers all.
(How strange do you think the other customers think the Little One crying in the corner is...? ;)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I realized today, after a long season of feeling like I can't NOT grow almost.... the direction of the river has changed. I was sitting eating something with egg in it, and drinking a glass of milk, and I felt so clearly the Lord say "you are disobeying." I didn't take another bite.
I've been putting off my Daniel fast, because it's inconvenient... I'm busy and it is going to be more work time wise, and cost wise. So, I keep pushing it back and making excuses. And today, I realized this isn't a season I can grow in, unless I am walking in the radical obedience He told me sunday morning this year is going to be about. If I am not digging in, I am going to fall into complacency and shallowness.
One of the words the Lord has often spoken over me, is a well. And a well that is not drawing up water from a fresh spring, can become poisonous (not to mention smell HORRIBLE) if the water is just left stagnant. So yes, drawing deep.
Yesterday, I nearly failed. I let myself say the things I wanted to say- have my little tantrum about how hard life is and the worst-case scenario as I walked down the stairs after seeing my flat tire. But as I sat on my bed, I turned my heart and chose to trust. Today, I soaked in the Psalms, and I probably will several more times before I sleep tonight. I don't want to allow myself those first-response tantrums- this year is about trust and obedience to the voice of the Lord. And to win, I am going to give Him costly sacrifices.... because I really will not give to you lord that which costs me nothing. Take the first of my desires as an offering. Spend me, to build your Kingdom here.
I'm studying this evening for an upcoming quiz (more like test) in my Intro to American Politics class, and reading through the speeches of our founding fathers... I am amazed by their rhetorical powers, but even more by their acknowledgement of where their power comes from. I am stirred by their sacrifice and courage, by their decision to cast off tyranny and injustice and call things for what they are. I am moved by their passion to count, even at the cost of themselves.
Spend me Lord. As little as I am, by Your power make me count.
Monday, January 18, 2010
As I lay me down to sleep
My spirit and body spent and beat,
May slumber come both strong and deep,
What dreams may come be fully sweet,
And all the while me soul He keep
As joy and hope my sorrows meet.
(now that I've got that ditty written down, hopefully I can end the rhyming game going on in my head and finally fall asleep.)
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.
My spirit and body spent and beat,
May slumber come both strong and deep,
What dreams may come be fully sweet,
And all the while me soul He keep
As joy and hope my sorrows meet.
(now that I've got that ditty written down, hopefully I can end the rhyming game going on in my head and finally fall asleep.)
Goodnight. Sweet dreams.
I just headed out to go to my office, pay my school fees and return some school books. I was forcing myself to do what I know I needed to do. And bam- a flat tire. I am now sitting in my room, door locked. Ready to cry. I know this isn't going to be an easy year- but it's pretty awful when things really do get hard. Medical bills insurance isn't willing to cover, school fees, frustrations (and failures) at work, unprecedented school work, and now potentially 4 new tires (long story). Add to that the common trysts and concerns of young women, and a few uncommon ones... I am going to have to trust the Lord to carry me through, and out of this season. I'm definitely feeling in over my head. I'm choosing right now to trust.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Brilliance = so incredibly attractive.
Arrogance = makes me want to vomit on a person.
I think brilliant men are so incredibly attractive... most I meet on campus carry an equal share of the cure as well though, arrogance, and I can't stand to touch those people with a 10 foot stick... in fact, given a stick, I might swing... just once. lol.
(My reflections in the rain today, walking down the hill from campus.)
Arrogance = makes me want to vomit on a person.
I think brilliant men are so incredibly attractive... most I meet on campus carry an equal share of the cure as well though, arrogance, and I can't stand to touch those people with a 10 foot stick... in fact, given a stick, I might swing... just once. lol.
(My reflections in the rain today, walking down the hill from campus.)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I HAVE INCREDIBLE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.
I think encouraging those in your life blesses you more than them, because it opens your eyes to the incredible talent, personality, calling, friendship, and love God has put all around you. I want to take more time this year to tell the people around me who I see them to be... I know encouragement and prayer are going to be my two greatest weapons at the sides of my friends and family in this year of testing and proving. And I also know that using those two tools to fight for those in my life is also going to safeguard me from bitterness, isolation, depression, offense or anything else that might threaten to isolate me from the gifts God has given me.
I've felt the Lord really pressing on my heart to 'sure up' my relationships. And that's what I'm going to do. It's incredible how the Lord is, and how He has created everything to be- that when we seek to pour ourselves out to others, we get filled up... not even by them pouring back (which often does happen, as encouragement is contagious), but by the very act itself. I'm not going to sit too long and soak in this, because I know that will just lead to the stagnation of patting myself on the back. :-0
I think encouraging those in your life blesses you more than them, because it opens your eyes to the incredible talent, personality, calling, friendship, and love God has put all around you. I want to take more time this year to tell the people around me who I see them to be... I know encouragement and prayer are going to be my two greatest weapons at the sides of my friends and family in this year of testing and proving. And I also know that using those two tools to fight for those in my life is also going to safeguard me from bitterness, isolation, depression, offense or anything else that might threaten to isolate me from the gifts God has given me.
I've felt the Lord really pressing on my heart to 'sure up' my relationships. And that's what I'm going to do. It's incredible how the Lord is, and how He has created everything to be- that when we seek to pour ourselves out to others, we get filled up... not even by them pouring back (which often does happen, as encouragement is contagious), but by the very act itself. I'm not going to sit too long and soak in this, because I know that will just lead to the stagnation of patting myself on the back. :-0
I'm wondering if I should be worried that (one of) my favorite time period(s) is wrapped up in the unique nearly-Socialist social movement of our nation???
I guess I can rest assured that my second favorite is WW2... where democracy champions. (?)
Also, "fantasy" is one of my favorite (hand-written) looking words.
[My reflections in Honors English class]
I guess I can rest assured that my second favorite is WW2... where democracy champions. (?)
Also, "fantasy" is one of my favorite (hand-written) looking words.
[My reflections in Honors English class]
I'm loving all my classes this quarter, and loving having all my homework done for my class in an hour. 3 articles read, and the first 120 pages of my book.
I nabbed a fourth class last minute and now have 18 credits. This is going to be a very challenging quarter, but also very exciting. I'm taking Honors English on noir/hardboiled fiction (the detective novels with the Femme Fatale and dark gloomy images of LA in the 20's-40's). I also have intro to Geology, Intro to American Politics, the next course in the Architecture series which I started last quarter- this one focusing on my favorite architecture periods (Renaissance- Gothic!), and largely on Italy!!
Mondays I have class straight from 9:30-3:20, and Wednesdays from 8:30-3:20 with a couple hour break. I feel back in high school almost-- with class after class. I am going to posture myself to stay as I am now, engaged and excited. I'm going to keep choosing to enjoy being studious and engaging new topics and questions.
It also helps that I have an extraordinary set of professors and TAs this quarter. Of them all the worst is probably my architecture professor (who is still better than last quarter's arch prof), and let me tell you- when you are lecturing on Italian architecture, you pretty much would have to be canine for me to not be engrossed and my heart incredibly awake! I walked out of class today thinking "man, my heart is SO in Italy!" I'm curious to see what that will one day mean... I really have no idea. But I love that culture. I love the architecture, I love the streets, I love the language, I love the people I have met, I love the art in general. Oh, and you KNOW I love the food, and the cappacinos! 
Who knows, maybe its something that will play out in the destiny of one of my children, and the fullness of it for me will just be imparting the information and passion... or perhaps, it will be in my own tale...
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Aurelia Bliss Mitchell is going to be the BEST fed little girl ever.
I'm sitting here reading my literary article on noir, rocking on my exercise ball, and thinking about the delicious apple glaze pork chops my mom made for dinner tonight. Yum.
Which naturally led me to what Jeff told me Elise made for dinner tonight. That girl blows my mind. I have no idea how she so quickly became such an amazing mom and cook- and I KNOW she is going to be a remarkable mom. I've been wanting a cook book lately (the past month or two), and I've been finding myself picking up food magazines. I am so looking forward to two major things in my future:
1. Decorating my own house (I literally DAY-dream about painting my own living room)
2. Cooking fun meals for my hubby, and friends.
(You thought I was going to say a husband and kids, didn't you? Those too ;)
I have the most wonderful times over at Elise & Jeff's enjoying Elise's wonderful cooking, and Jeff's excellent pairings. And now Rob & Aime's too. I'm looking forward to the day I can turn the table.
But, I am currently a college student with hours of reading left to do tonight, an awesome exercise ball beneath me, and the memory of some delicious apple glaze pork chops. :)
I'm sitting here reading my literary article on noir, rocking on my exercise ball, and thinking about the delicious apple glaze pork chops my mom made for dinner tonight. Yum.
Which naturally led me to what Jeff told me Elise made for dinner tonight. That girl blows my mind. I have no idea how she so quickly became such an amazing mom and cook- and I KNOW she is going to be a remarkable mom. I've been wanting a cook book lately (the past month or two), and I've been finding myself picking up food magazines. I am so looking forward to two major things in my future:
1. Decorating my own house (I literally DAY-dream about painting my own living room)
2. Cooking fun meals for my hubby, and friends.
(You thought I was going to say a husband and kids, didn't you? Those too ;)
I have the most wonderful times over at Elise & Jeff's enjoying Elise's wonderful cooking, and Jeff's excellent pairings. And now Rob & Aime's too. I'm looking forward to the day I can turn the table.
But, I am currently a college student with hours of reading left to do tonight, an awesome exercise ball beneath me, and the memory of some delicious apple glaze pork chops. :)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I love doors. I think you all know that about me. It started suddenly my Junior year of High School. While travelling through Italy I became infatuated with all these remarkably unique doors, to secret and exciting places. Unlike here, every house had beautiful doors that marked entry inside. There were gates to cities, alleys, yards- all the work of great artisans. Then there were the towering doors of cathedrals and Basilicas. I was always falling behind, trying to get an angle that showed the quality of 'that' door. My sister's camera was full of them. From this, I started to love keys. While we were in Italy, on a crowded Roman street, I heard something fall. I scanned the ground and found a key. It was silver and common, could have been to any house in the city. I picked it up and looked around- only to realize I didn't speak Italian anyways and had no idea how to find who'd dropped it.
I held it up for a few moments, and when no one seemed to care. I put it in my pocket. It hangs from a little blue string in my bathroom. The first of many keys I have collected and been given. One of my favorites was given to me by Sherry Keith, my sister's mother-in-law. When I admired it on her key chain, she took it off and handed it to me. I often wear it on a long strand of hemp around my neck.
The other day a new friend asked me "What's that key to." A common friend stood between us and said lightly "her heart, obviously." I laughed and said no.
But if I were the heroine in some epic novel, I would have said this:
"Were it the key to my heart, I would not keep it so near it's chest."
I'd be clever and witty like that... and not days later while driving alone in the car reflecting, but on the spot.
____
I've been fasting all week (I just broke it an hour ago on French Onion Soup- yum!), and I've been repeating in my head the past few days, "My body grows weak, but my spirit breaths deep!" It excites me- my spirit feels alive! Today, I didn't want to stop fasting. I was contemplating carrying on, but I knew health-wise, I needed to eat. But I've decided fasting is too beneficial for me to NOT.... I want my spirit to keep coming alive, more and more ALL this year long. This is going to be a year of fasting for me. I hope that isn't to phariseeish for me to tell you all that. I don't care for your praise anyways... I'm just excited!
I don't expect this to be an easy year. In fact, I soberly recognize that this will likely be my most difficult next 2 quarters. I'm signed up for 18 credits this quarter, one of them an Honors course. I will be working 40 hours a week (hopefully), and I sense in my spirit many other challenges coming. But I also expect to grow, to grow strong in spirit, and to grow closer to the Lover of my Soul, and King of my life. So yes, I am excited. I am hopeful.
Old prophetic words I have remembered, but not focused on are heavy on my heart and I believe the Lord is about to start unveiling their meaning.
Now--- to homework... because I have today to live today. As do you. Love you all, glad you are in my life.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
I hurt, all over.
My sinus' are killing me- they've turned into a pressure headache, my back and neck are super stiff from my massage therapy today (rice sock now on), my mouth is full of canker sores, and I'm beginning to feel a little sick- I think less from the fast and more from the previous list of things.
I guess I'm old now.
Lame.
Juuust kidding. Not about the crappy pain, but about the 'I'm old' philosophy. As I told my buddy Theresa at work this morning, "I'm the best five year old you'll ever meet. I've been at it longer than anyone I know." (This followed my remark about cleaning up after I was done playing with the yo-yo.... it was a strange morning at work). I plan to truly be 'forever young' - not in immaturity, but in regards to always being up for an adventure. ;)
It's a little past 9:30, so I better get to bed. Youthful?
My sinus' are killing me- they've turned into a pressure headache, my back and neck are super stiff from my massage therapy today (rice sock now on), my mouth is full of canker sores, and I'm beginning to feel a little sick- I think less from the fast and more from the previous list of things.
I guess I'm old now.
Lame.
Juuust kidding. Not about the crappy pain, but about the 'I'm old' philosophy. As I told my buddy Theresa at work this morning, "I'm the best five year old you'll ever meet. I've been at it longer than anyone I know." (This followed my remark about cleaning up after I was done playing with the yo-yo.... it was a strange morning at work). I plan to truly be 'forever young' - not in immaturity, but in regards to always being up for an adventure. ;)
It's a little past 9:30, so I better get to bed. Youthful?
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Random Ramblings... with photos.
I was admiring my wonderful Followers last week and came across one strange face: my own. How I became a follower of my own blog I don't know, but it doesn't exactly surprise me. Now to figure out how to un-follow my own blog...
I was just studying in the library, trying to charge up my dying cellphone battery, and my laptop. I realized I needed to switch the two outlets in order to make both fit and some how in trying to do that, I shocked myself. It hurt.
As I was leaving the library today, I walked past a little doo-dah that made my day... haven't seen one of these since the old Northgate days....
Yesterday evening I finally set out to sell the dozens of books I've acquired in school and will never again read. These are the books I've been forced to read but would never want in my own library. I've heard that nice boys used to carry girl's books for them. I guess nice boys should think twice before offering to carry a Suki's books....
I didn't end up selling any. My mom nearly shrieked when we walked back in a couple hours later with the same box I've had sitting in the library for months. I just couldn't betray a book for $1.50. I couldn't.
After school, I headed home to change and then off to my starbucks to prep for a meeting. On the way, I pulled off in kirkland to enjoy this remarkable sunset! As always, my little phone camera doesn't do its splendor justice- it was enchanting!
Last random thing, I loved my time with Kim and Jason. My camera battery was dead so I didn't take any pictures hardly... but we took this during our sister time. :) Love them.
I was admiring my wonderful Followers last week and came across one strange face: my own. How I became a follower of my own blog I don't know, but it doesn't exactly surprise me. Now to figure out how to un-follow my own blog...
I was just studying in the library, trying to charge up my dying cellphone battery, and my laptop. I realized I needed to switch the two outlets in order to make both fit and some how in trying to do that, I shocked myself. It hurt.
As I was leaving the library today, I walked past a little doo-dah that made my day... haven't seen one of these since the old Northgate days....
Yesterday evening I finally set out to sell the dozens of books I've acquired in school and will never again read. These are the books I've been forced to read but would never want in my own library. I've heard that nice boys used to carry girl's books for them. I guess nice boys should think twice before offering to carry a Suki's books....
I didn't end up selling any. My mom nearly shrieked when we walked back in a couple hours later with the same box I've had sitting in the library for months. I just couldn't betray a book for $1.50. I couldn't.
After school, I headed home to change and then off to my starbucks to prep for a meeting. On the way, I pulled off in kirkland to enjoy this remarkable sunset! As always, my little phone camera doesn't do its splendor justice- it was enchanting!
Last random thing, I loved my time with Kim and Jason. My camera battery was dead so I didn't take any pictures hardly... but we took this during our sister time. :) Love them.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
I had my first outing to Frost yesterday. It was a good start to 1010.
MacKenna and I (neither having gone before) have been planning a trip for weeks now. And it was with great expectation we selected our doughnuts. I picked a salted caramel one, as did Braden, and Mac had a vanilla frosted...'french something.'
I'm not quite sure it lived up to all the fuss about it, but perhaps a deeper look into the ingredients, or a just a second tasting may make me a bigger fan. The taste was good, but nothing unbelieveable. That is, except for the Bacon Maple Bar (probably had a snazzier official name). How could you see that, and not try it? We certainly couldn't.
Not gonna lie- I've still yet to taste something with bacon that wasn't good. In this instance, it added just a bit of a salty taste to the sweet treat. I don't know that I'd order it again though, only because it tastes exactly like when your pancake syrup accidentally reaches the bacon on the outskirts of the plate. I dislike it very much when my syrup or gravy touch other items on my plate than the ones they were initially poured over. And here, the similar tastes creates conflicting responses- the annoyance of over-reaching syrup and a messy plate, along with the sweet and salty pleasant taste which in this case is intentional. We'll have to see if I can overcome this association in the end.
MacKenna and I (neither having gone before) have been planning a trip for weeks now. And it was with great expectation we selected our doughnuts. I picked a salted caramel one, as did Braden, and Mac had a vanilla frosted...'french something.'
I'm not quite sure it lived up to all the fuss about it, but perhaps a deeper look into the ingredients, or a just a second tasting may make me a bigger fan. The taste was good, but nothing unbelieveable. That is, except for the Bacon Maple Bar (probably had a snazzier official name). How could you see that, and not try it? We certainly couldn't. 
Not gonna lie- I've still yet to taste something with bacon that wasn't good. In this instance, it added just a bit of a salty taste to the sweet treat. I don't know that I'd order it again though, only because it tastes exactly like when your pancake syrup accidentally reaches the bacon on the outskirts of the plate. I dislike it very much when my syrup or gravy touch other items on my plate than the ones they were initially poured over. And here, the similar tastes creates conflicting responses- the annoyance of over-reaching syrup and a messy plate, along with the sweet and salty pleasant taste which in this case is intentional. We'll have to see if I can overcome this association in the end.
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