Updates.

Reading: I'm reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning (thank you Esther!). It's so timely for me right now... God's definitely speaking to me about authenticity and security. And not the way you'd typically think. God's been telling me one thing: you're authentic, don't be worried about counterfeits. People are going to follow- don't worry about it.

Moreover, 'just look at Me.'

I'm still so petty at times.

Cambridge: all three letter writers have sent me at least a draft. My two academic letters are completed and sealed. I hope to submit my online application this Friday night. And mail in the rest of the requested documents Monday. :0

Writing: I've had so many ditties and lines scribble through my mind lately, but I swear I never have a moment to indulge and play the rest of the poem out. It's getting a little frusterating. I've started just saving them as "notes" in my phone.
Also, I've decided I need to start writing about the things I am passionate about... now.

Work: I like my new job. Though it's kind of funny working with my sister- or more funny that the senior partner so enjoys commenting on how we are sisters. I took a phone call today from a client who said "How is your day going Katrina (small talk..) Yes, can I talk to Kristin? Is she your sister?" To which I replied yes. "Oh, I've heard about a lot about you two." "Oh really *uncomfortable laugh*" "Yes. Good things."

???? Thanks Larry.

No, but really, I love it. And I really enjoy how fast the days go by.

Random: I googled my favorite scholar on the Romantics. I knew he is a professor at UCLA. I went to their website and wrote down his contact info. I also looked into the details of the UCLA English grad school. They get hundreds of applicants (like 300-400 I believe). They take 40. I am going to contact him. I want to read his book they say he is working on- it is EXACTLY what I am interested in.

I realize, there is a thin line between passionate and creepy.

Don't judge me... but I love these (a lot). :)




Kristin- I know you judged me. But these pictures are perfect- oh my the coloring, the fact that its a brick wall and a barn wall! (And that man is a dream!) I'm a little girl- I confess.

Awesome discoveries of the week:

-the building next door, which I visit 3 times a day on average, is the Columbia Tower (thank you Aaron). There is an awesome observation floor with a really cool Starbucks up there.

-my black skirt has pockets (girls- you get how awesome it is to discover pockets in a skirt!!). I had my hands in my pockets all day yesterday, it was sweet!

-It is faster to walk outside than through the tunnel.

-a place in the Columbia Center sells gelato. Gelatiamo (which Morgs and I love), is kitty-corner to where I catch my bus home.


Other "less awesome" discoveries:

-the toilettes now have an automatic flush- which sets off when you go to put the little toilet covers on the seat. obnoxious.

-there is a book called "Immunobiology of human milk"... I hope the woman reading it on the bus was a nurse. :/

-my gray oxfords for some reason make me wear holes in the toes of my ankle socks. I'm 3 for 4.

-my phone no longer allows me to 'add recipient' and mass text.

-my grey and white striped headband falls forward and pushes my bangs up... and it is really awkward when an attorney walks out with clients and sees that first hand. :9

-my sister and the other paralegal often switch entire mail stacks after I walk away, because apparently I suck at passing out the mail. Mail Fail.

I am going to visit Ireland in the next 3 years. I just decided it. It IS going to happen. Whether I travel anywhere else or not. Whether I attend Cambridge or not. Whether I get married...or not. It's at least one thing that I KNOW is in my heart to do, no confusion or uncertainty... and it feels good to be able to say aloud one thing that I plan to do in the near future. (yes, three years is the near future as far as I'm concerned).



Other places I hope to travel in the next few years:
San Fran (soon and often.. if you've been reading my blog since its start, you know my long-standing love for that city).
Italy

And after that, I'd like to visit France and wander through all its incredible architecture first hand. Then, London... or if I attend Cambridge, I suppose that will be my first stop! :)

I dislike a cluttered desk... or desktop. I hate having too many windows or applications open at once.

Just a reflection.

I am pretty sure that one day I am going to look back and laugh at my life right now. I will laugh at my confused little heart, and the concerns and worries it faced. I will laugh at the relational complexities that seemed to be swirling around me, and the risks I debated taking.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about taking risks--- I keep hearing the Novalis line about how it's not what we do, but what we don't that we'll live to regret. I've been playing around with a poem in my head... and that poems been playing around with me.

It's such a balance beam to walk- to take risks and live without regret, and to walk as a daughter who knows how to trust her Father to work things out for her. Writing that out actually- those two things seem to go together better than I realized. But still- the danger on one side can be to make things happen, and I decided years ago that I don't want anything unless it comes from my Father's hand. And the danger on the other side (which I am far less prone to), is to never test the waters and never take a risk. I continue to discover just how great our need is for courage...

We all know how much a man needs courage, and how attractive and fearful a sight when you see a young man truly walking in courage... but I think we underestimate the need young women have to walk courageously and fearlessly- even when blindly.

I feel I am walking blindly- simply following a Voice. And that's okay, since my prayer is growing to simply be a voice myself. Following a voice takes both courage and trust- walking blindly is that strange place between where you are going somewhere (as opposed to going no where), and yet, you are not the one determining where it is your steps will lead you.

.... following a Voice, and I'll look back and laugh once time has illuminated that path and all the sounds I'd heard around me as I walked.

Weddings are fun. :) Especially, when they are for an incredible young man and woman- and filled with a killer bridal party ;)

Oh- and when the reception happens to include the Clines ;)

I had such a wonderful evening at Morgan's bachelorette party tonight- and I'm looking forward to all the rest of the week's festivities... and sneaking off to the Cline's table at the reception for some new good stories and laughs. ;)

I love this. :)
I can't wait to stand behind a man and support his dreams and remind him he is great- without having to hold back my thoughts and what I see in him. I can't wait to love.

I can't wait to someday wander Italy with that handsome man...

That reminds me, I can't wait to speak Italian.

Good things are coming, I know.

Goodnight my loved ones. Have a wonderful week- and don't be afraid to do what's hard, if you know it's a door to what was planted deep in your heart in the beginning. :) Dreams are costly.

This thesis is neeevveeerrr ending! sheesh! I told one of my letter writers (previous professors) that I would have a new version of my sample writing to him by the end of the week. That means tonight. I've been editing and revising my senior thesis all week and I am not even half way through. I just got home from work and want nothing more than to go to bed right now. Yet- I am going to press through to get at least SOME revised draft that I can send him tonight.

Meanwhile- I am in a strange mood.. like a "I feel like listening to all of my favorite songs from my favorite musicals" mood. :) So far, I've listened to my favorite three from Moulin Rouge, favorites from Phantom of the Opera, now on to Les Miserable (dad- I'm actually listening to YOUR favorite... I Dreamed a Dream). I think what it comes down to is, tonight, I want to feel gripped by some piece of writing that is powerful and heart-rending. Some day, I want to write lyrics that break hearts, and then puts them back together. Sometimes, I feel my writing falls so frail when considered beside a melody.

Tonight, I'm revising a 27 page long thesis. But it might be the key to Cambridge, so...... :)


*I love this Glee adaptation of I Dreamed a Dream... amazing, amazing, amazing.. (I have probably listened/watched it a couple dozen times).

The man next to me smelt horrible, and fell on me twice as he drifted off in sweet metro slumber. And yet, I love the bus. :) I don't know why- I just do. Today felt like a homecoming of sorts- driving to kenmore P&R, just missing the bus I was aiming for, stepping off the bus and wandering blocks until I found my building. Felt almost like the experience I've been mourning the lack of this year.... the first day of school. Only, this time I will get paid for it. That's nice. ;)

Today was my first day of training for my new position at Linville Law. Turns out I will be doing a lot... a lot. The seminars I'd heard mentioned as a responsibility of mine have several dozen little complexities I have to learn in the next couple weeks- because no one else knows about them but the girl I am replacing. I know I can do this, and I am excited about, it is just going to be a challenge for a while. And I am probably going to make some mistakes. And my boss probably won't be nice about it. That said, I'm ready and excited. I will be learning a number of new skills and will be forced daily out of my comfort zone. The thing I least like about my new position is simply that I am the front desk. Silly, since it is the easiest part of my job, but answering phones and greeting clients (also silly since I have been "greeting customers" for the past two years nearly, and I'd be so bold as to say I am good at it) make me uncomfortable. So, this will be good for me. Get me, out of me a little.

I am aiming to finish up the first revised draft of all my online application stuff for Cambridge so I can send all my materials to my three letter writers. It's exciting how close this is all getting. Come October, I am going to indulge in a great book... probably the one my book club will be discussing and I'll have barely started. :0 It will be the first time I have one job- and no school. Well... actually, I will probably push myself to finish my SLT Year 2 Paper so I can officially graduate from SLT and close another chapter. But still. Doors are closing, closets are being cleaned, life is getting clearer and I am seeking simplicity.

A "Happier" Blog: (And total distraction from what I am supposed to be doing right now)

Things I want to do:
Take lots of cool pictures.
Spend time with close friends.
Marry my best friend.
Write a childrens book (probably entitled "Stinky and the Muffin Top")
Have children.
Relearn Italian.
Travel (to italy and ireland first- then everywhere else!)
Play nintendo on rainy saturdays with my husband.
Read books in my pajamas.
Write something remarkable.
Read a book in Italian.
Write something with my husband.
Study world maps.
Gain a better understanding and MEMORY of architecture.
Design my own home- and then see it built!
Have Auri be my flower girl. :)
Learn to trust.
Value adventure.
Live without fear.
Be a great mom.
Have a rock'n library.
Live in the city for a time.
Be content.
Obey.

It's strange, I think the things I "WANT" are less than ever. Even the things above- only a few of them do I feel desperately passionate about. The rest, I think would be nice. I'm in a strange season of change yet again, and feeling distant even from 'who I am.' I thought perhaps it might be nice to sit and think again about the things I've always been drawn to and loved. I know little of who I am, and even less of who I will someday 'need' or the way I hope that process unfolds. I know very little- that is what I know.

And with that, I am sitting at Starbucks, filling out my Cambridge application... praying that the Lord would put His desires in my heart, and make me excited about what He gets excited about- both in the grand scale, and in the personal details of my life.

I do not have it all figured out, but God never asked me to start living once I figured my life out. I am going to live and allow Him to mold me throughout the journey. I am going to begin with who I am today and allow Him to use every mistake I make, challenge I face, and circumstance to grow me into the woman I am suppose to be.

I was reading through a friend's blog and was spoken to by this. (Hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it.) It's tough when you make a mistake, to let God use it to grow you into the woman you are supposed to be. Or even see that as possible. I'm hurting and facing shame, and it's not a fun place to be. I don't know how He can use this to make me more into His image, accept that I feel deeply humbled, and even still am having to choose to get over myself. I am a sinner. And I am in desperate need of a Savior. It's challenging right now- but I believe it will be freeing as I get better at it- but I want to truly learn to live as I am today and not be afraid of corrections and readjustments that come along the way. As many have said, it's so much easier to turn a moving car than a parked one, right? How much easier it seems it would be for God to mold us while we are living, then while we are stuck in neutral or park-- afraid to make a wrong a turn, or remembering the wrong streets we've already turned down and beating ourselves up for it.

I am not as perfect and pure and gentle and loving and faithful as the young people that surround me. I think at one time, I thought perhaps I was... at least on my second 'chance.' I'm past my 'second chance' now and realizing, I'm not. And while that partly makes me want to just stop and kick myself or pull away- instead, I'm accepting that God already knows this, and still laid out His best plan for my life.

On Saturday night, I was at Emerge (our young professionals and college age group), and while I was in worship and we were singing "We want more." I realized, I REALLY do want more, because I need more. A weak gospel wouldn't be enough to save this little sinner's heart. A weak Jesus wouldn't be enough to make her feel loved or forgiven, and especially not destined. Only an indescribably powerful gospel that could take a self-assured religious murderer, and turn him into an apostle of grace.

I need a more powerful gospel. I know it's there, I've just been too self-assured to see it. I haven't felt 'sick' enough to realize how much I NEED that doctor.

I want to only want what Father has for me. I don't want to get caught up staring at the moonlight on the water- and not look up to see the moon herself. I've been challenged this week by a couple people in regards to whether or not I am going to miss what Father has for me, because I'm too stuck on what I want. It's like the child who wont let go of the handful of grass he's picked himself, in order to receive the candy from his mom. Or rather than grass... maybe bark, because it seems to be hurting in a lingering and unfindable way too.

So yes, as I start to hurt, I keep saying to myself, "I only want what father has for me." I know He has good things stored up for me. The most important people in my life have always spoken such exciting and wonderful things over me and into me. They call me out as exceptional- usually I wonder where they see what they are talking about. They've helped me to dream. They've told me to lift my eyes, dream, don't despair, and remember that I was "made to fly." They remind me that I'm "a catch." They help me to not give up, despair, or settle. They remind me that today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. That Father loves me, and they do too. That I am loveable.

And truly, that's what I am setting my heart on again. I am a sinner, but loved, and saved. And whatever He has for me is going to come out of His love and unimagineable power and creativity. He creates with beauty and covers things in layers of wonder. He plays with mystery and delights in hide and seek. The best I can do is seek, trust, and wait for His love to become the most real thing to me.

Today I have many great things to be grateful for, and if other desires of my heart seem to be slipping away- what can I do, but trust that the good the Lord has planned for me, will fight and not be put to shame? And that which is not His good for me, will not be let to take root in my life. As Lewis proposed, all must die before it can truly live... we shall see what things grow in this tiny heart and in the life that it enfolds. [see The Great Divorce by CS Lewis]