My dear friend Meghan Landies posted these two pictures on her blog "for katrina hope"

They nearly bring tears to my eyes. Not just because she was sweet enough to think of me, and post them.... but because they breathe a fresh wind into something in my heart that feels short of air at this time. It is amazing how a photograph (or song) can do that, touch something that we can't name with words.

This is by FAR one of my FAVORITE worship songs- like bawl my eyes out, sing my heart out favorite songs...

*credit goes to Adam Carpenter for finding this and posting it on his facebook.

Go to THIS site and listen to Owl City's cover of In Christ Alone.

PS, I'm going to write a book. A story. An article. I am going to write something remarkable.

I just had to say it out loud again- remind myself that my calling stands secure, despite my feelings or fears or heartaches. Some things just can't be unbought. :)

Last night I unravelled an entire (BIG) roll of butcher paper, so I could roll it back up.

I wanted the hole in the middle to be big enough to fit on a wooden pole I have. Then, I changed my mind and strung it on black satin ribbon. Eventually, it will be mounted on a rod on my wall, but for now, it's hanging beside my bed.

I was going to read and go to bed last night- but then I came across a verse that I needed. I rolled out my butcher paper (Thank you T!), pulled out my dozens of sharpies and began to scrawl all over the page. Highlighting, boldening, underlining, illuminating each word as it stood out to me. I need that verse to get into me.

Pastor Walter Duhrer spoke at the KMI Conference one night as well as at church on Sunday morning- and both times he focused on the importance of the Word really getting into us. Not just in our heads... something more. He gave strategies for how to do this. I think one for me will be my sharpies and butcher paper. :)

All I know is I'm in need. It's a point of laying down everything I want so terribly, recognizing that some of it I cannot have, and some of it I may not have, but there is a plan that is better than anything I can contrive or conceive... and I have to become open to it.

I'm being recentered.

United Pursuit Band is one of my favorite worship bands (I don't really know what to call them.. I guess band, worship band? worship leaders? group?). I wrote almost a year ago about the song "Come Away With Me" and how it struck something deep in me- a cry, a desperation, something created deep in my core.

I was surprised when I soon logged back in and found a response from one of the band members. I had also written about a friend of mine who didn't quite 'prefer' that song (she also loves them, just not that particular song). For that reason, I teased that I was going to blog again- in hopes of pointing her out to the band right before they came... but decided against it. ;)

This group has produced such a pure and passionate sound that compels others to press, run, seek, and trust. Some of the sweetest times of worship I've experienced were at our bible study, pouring out our hearts to their music. It was with no lack of expectation and excitement then that we all showed up to church 2 weeks ago, where they would be leading worship.

...what a blessing. I'm listening to it again (as I just found the link posted by Kim Rankin!).

*listen* (or rather, watch)

I think this may be on repeat for a while- second song feels like an iv I was desperate for.

PS, if somehow you get sent a message again from google-- congrats on the engagement-- and thanks for using CCK as your cover ;) we were so incredibly blessed. you are all lovely.

The only thing that keeps me from posting this as my status every single day, is that 90% of my facebook friends seem to. Yet, after months and months of listening to this song, I can't get over it. So, I decided to post it here, where I know some of my readers may not have heard mumford & sons yet. This song gives me courage.

Today is a day to trust, fiercely. One where you set your mind, your heart, your will like flint... to trust. And to trust in nothing else, but the power and faithfulness of God. Where you know He is able and willing in this very moment, right beside you in the same power that he was beside the women at the rolled away tomb. A day to not dare set your trust in anything less faithful or strong, because if it crumbles, you're pretty sure you may not get back up this time. Today is a day to trust, fiercely.

At least, for me.

*Stole this from Esther. :)

What at the time seemed overwhelming and unbearable has produced something strong and amazing. I would not trade the storms that produced depth for a calm that remains shallow.

-Meghan Landies

(i like her ^ and her writing.)

hmmm. cute. :)

Reasons I love fall:

my saturday.
which ended, sitting next to elsa at the walkers.
Sunday morning, waking up early to throw on boots and a rainjacket and wander across my stormy yard... for a delicious breakfast with three of my life-long friends: ty, rob & aime. There really is few comforts like the company of those few people who have taught your heart it's safe to sit down beside them. I could cry just thinking of it. A month or so ago, in the midst of a dozen painful things, I spent an entire Sunday at Elise & Jeff's (lunch, games, a walk, dinner, wine, a great chat). I was amazed by how wonderful it can be to just be with some people. And fall alots those times.
After church, it was lunch with more friends (one from Canada who I rarely see!), including Brade & Joel- both of which are so busy these days. Then cider, reading, and honest talks with my dear friend Meghan.
It's not just the scarves, hats, boots, sweaters, gloves, hot drinks and delicious soups that make me love fall- it's that that is when we remember how much we miss the people dear to our hearts, and we find time to get locked inside from the rainy, stormy weather, with them. We bundle up, and open up.

Fall usually contains great pains of death and change, but it is also when our roots drink deep and stretch in a little further.

Just say'n



PS, I can hear the rain outside my window... my favorite for falling asleep <3

I bought books today.... happy girl.

Not only that, but I wandered the Ave in the rain. Got a mexican mocha & almond croissant from Trabant (one of Kristin & I's favorite coffee shops). After a GRE practice exam (the reason I was ON the Ave)... I sat in a cafe and ate lunch by myself.

After other errands- one of which took me through the Arboretum (*DELIGHT*) and past Luc (Linda- I was lost, and happened upon it- it looks wonderful!), I came home to find an empty house at dusk. I used my favorite mask, lit candles, made tea, and finished two of the books I've been reading (Sarah's Key and Abba's Child). Then, I just sat in silence and enjoyed the presence of God that I could feel. Then, I heard keys in the front door.

Still, I was amazed by how wonderful a full day of being alone (with strangers) felt- It used to be my daily life, but that is gone and I realize from time to time I really need that time alone to feel rested and filled up, to dream and breath, and just enjoy silence.

I've been keeping the radio in my car and not listening to my ipod on the bus the past month. Fenelon speaks a good deal on the importance of being silent... and I've been trying to find those moments to really practice it. I see some friends who I know don't listen to music in their cars, and I can note how it's affected them positively. I'm wanting to mature. I need to grow. I need to learn to love. I need to discover how to really live in the grace that's available to me. Abba's Child's final chapter points out so clearly- first we have to REALLY accept and acknowledge that we are sinful, and not just 'bad' but our entire existence is wrapped up in this ridiculous self-centeredness. Then, we need a Savior. And it's there, that passion get's birthed... as we turn to that Savior.

Boy am I aware of my selfishness. And I'm learning to turn to that Savior- to run to Him when I feel the ugliest.

Yesterday was a trying day. And today was worse. I hope tomorrow will be better.

It's one of those days you just want to stop and go crawl into your bed and hide until it is over.

One part... issues with my Cambrdige application keep coming up, and it's frusterating because it is so difficult to contact anyone with questions.

They are saying that I am missing my second academic reference letter. But, I sent it. What must be causing the problem is both of my academic letter writers signed a "Academic Reference One" letter. One was supposed to fill out an "Academic Reference Two" cover letter. They are identical, except for the title at the top. And this, may prevent my application from being considered... because the deadline for sending them the 'missing documents' was today.

I saw the note on my "self service" page today.

And when I clicked the link they provide to print the missing cover letter/document... the link was broken and the forms had been moved from that web page.

I eventually found the form after a good deal of searching, and contacted one of my letter writers to reprint her letter and resign the cover letter.... I guess I'll mail it in and pray they either except it, or recognize that they already HAVE both references and continue to process my application.

What is strange is that above that on the page- it says that my application has been sent to the College Admissions Board to be considered.... which I believe isn't supposed to happen until they have all the documents anyways. :/

Remind me to tell you tomorrow about the star gazing party my dad and I went to last weekend...

I'll tell you all about this:
Goodnight moon. Goodnight friends. Goodnight mom, dad, kim, (jason), kristin, and the twins. Goodnight books. Goodnight blogspot.

Beautiful isn't it? So vivid. Colorful.


I don't have many thoughts to write about at present. But one thing was sparked while reading Abba's Child Monday afternoon on the bus. I want to have memories with God. I know that we ought to not live in the past anyways- but you know those people in your life that you have rich memories with? Those who are typically the dearest in your heart. I have some incredible memories.

I want to have those moments with the Lord that are so rich and real that they become favorite memories. I think that'd be a practical outcome if He really is the most important person in my life... my favorite moments should be with Him.

And those would be the sort of memories that bring joy and comfort, not sadness of what was and has been lost. Because, He never leaves us, and He never changes. So memories with Him are somehow as real today as they were yesterday... right?

I don't know, and I don't really care to overthink this one. I just want to live a life that's so rich and vivid and full of wonder in every relationship and moment- that it leaves an imprint. I think there is something I need to press through, I'm having that feeling... the one that says 'There's more.'

FINALLY!

When I say, "I want to get married in a barn" (at night), and you all picture some redneck collection of deer heads, broken down tractor pieces, beer bottles, flies, and fighting off the wafting summer heat's emphasis of cow...dung..... THIS is what I AM picturing in my head...

I've finally found a picture that resembles my dream... not redneck, elegant and sweet.


It all started in early high school, flipping through wedding magazines with my big sis Kim. She is an INCREDIBLE invitation designer... really, she's an incredible artist/designer in general. She'd been collecting magazines for ideas for years, and finally decided to cut down the amassed pile in the bedroom corner. We sat there, flipping through page after page- tearing out cool invitation and wedding ideas. When I came across a picture of an evening wedding held in a huge circular barn in the middle of the country, I fell in love. I showed it to Kim, and she tore it out and said "we'll keep this one for you." Soon thereafter, she met her husband, Jason, moved apartments, and then states. Who knows where that little square of magazine is now... but the image has never left me. The barn was decorated so elegantly, white lights strung high above. Beautiful linen covered dozens of round tables. It was enchanting.

I've yet to see that barn I always picture... especially here in Washington. :/ Whenever someone tells me "Kati- I heard from a friend about this barn that does weddings!" I, excited, google it--- but I've yet to see a page pull up that looks like THIS, or that could even hold the numbers I'll need.

I'm not stuck on this... but I think the concepts will play in, somehow.

....It's okay though, the time hasn't come for it anyways. :)

I'm back at work. I offerred to come in and paint the main wall in the lobby. I offerred yesterday morning, before I woke up today and saw the bright blue sky and felt the perfect Saturday morning within reach. Oh well. I love painting.. and I don't mind being paid to do it.

Soon enough I will be done (I'm waiting for the first coat to dry), and then I will be outside playing with the Ruff kids. :)

Another busy Saturday. But a good one.

Still, this would have been the perfect day for a run...

Just storing these up in my heart. :) Oh the mysteries of life... I love them, and hate them.

PS, this photographer seems amazing... I have seen so many incredible photos by her 'as of late.' (Els- if you read this- that was for you!)

I miss running. :(

Truly. I had found a new enjoyment of it, it had gone from just being a discipline ( a means to an end), to being a special time of relaxing and letting down... of breathing deep and reflecting on life and the beauty around me. It felt wonderful... even when it hurt. (A little known fact about me that really only Kristin knows... I like pain. Not sharp pain- only dull pain. Let's not analyze that right now though).

But yes, first I had to stop running because I'd hurt my knee, then, the car accident and my back. My back still hasn't recovered, in fact I think it may be getting worse. But the chiropractor told me I could run again.

And now--- I have to shower and leave when the sun has just come up, and I get home right at dusk. I have no daylight.

Tonight at homegroup, just when I thought the last song had played.... "Oh Lord you're beautiful" began. First I smiled, wishing SOMEONE there knew how cool that was. Then, I smiled because no one else did know. No one, but me and God. It felt so intimate and sweet- like a little secret gift. And then, I started to cry. Because it went from being the song I sing to Him, to being something He's heard me sing to Him. It was like Him confirming that those are the desires He's put in my heart- that He likes that about me. Almost, like it's special to Him too, that it's special to me.

It was a very sweet moment- and I found myself meaning the words even more.

And that was only the start.

What a wonderful night at homegroup.

I'd call this a secret- but even I KNOW this one isn't....

Still, I feel like sharing:

I LOVE SALAD... and vegetables in general! I do. love them! I'm eating a good salad right now (very basic- but fresh and crisp!) and I literally was just doing a little skip/dance around my desk.

YUM.

I was reading Genesis 1 and 2 this morning... and it mentions that God created all the green plants to feed us... man, I wonder if there were other tasty vegies that became poisonous when Eve ate that stinking apple!? :/ WHO KNOWS THE SORTS OF SALADS WE COULD BE MUNCHING ON!!!

I love this picture. It reminds me of one Kaylee took of her sister, which I find completely soft and stunning.

Bianca was encouraging me last night in a few things and what she said really watered my heart more than I think she knows. I want to be a person who finds the treasure in the field of dirt- who see's the wonder in the daily routines and bus routes, who see's the beauty in the broken and hurting people I walk out life with each day. I want to be trusted with God's heart, and I know for me that requires a carefulness and an honoring of where He has hidden beauty. I want to draw people's attention to things they'd miss, through my writing. Take the simple, and show it's grandeur. Take the unsure, and convince them of their significance.

I love photos like this, that focus on one simple thing that we see and overlook-- forcing the viewer to stop and see beauty where they might otherwise not. And when it's really done well- using all the faculties of light, frame, and focus.... well, that is photography at its best. :)

Sometimes... all I can do is sing Keith Green to myself. Everything else that wants to come out of my mouth, I know is just me responding out of fear and not out of trust. This song is pretty much my life anthem. It's what I can always come back to, to find my true heart. It's my core desires. Intimacy & Relationship. Passion. Love for others. Humility & pure motives. It cuts against the catchy sounds of my generation, it cuts against selfish religious ambitions. It burns away everything but the face of God.... and that's what I'm desperate right now to catch a glimpse of.

It's one of those moments.


Oh Lord, you're beautiful. You're face is all I see. And when your eyes are on this child, your grace abound to me.

Oh Lord, please light the fire, that once burned bright and clear. Replace the lamp of holy fire, that burns with holy fear.

I want to take your word and shine it all around, but first help me just to live it Lord. And when I'm doing well help me to never seek a crown, for my reward is bringing glory to you.


Let me never lose the revelation that I'm the chief of sinners... and the most blessed of saints.
I'm waiting for a man like Paul, like David.

Reminds me of a story.. :)



I think every member of my family has at one point said aloud that they half expect me to run away and get married some day. I don't think I really like that. But, I get why they think it. I'm a fearless romantic.

(Luckily, I also care way too much about the people in my life to ever leave them out of one of the greatest moments of my life.)

Listening to Air of Heaven. What amazing stuff! "My Love" and "I Have Seen".... and all the others.

Something's happening in my heart- I know, because I feel like I'm standing on this very tiny strand between wanting to cry because I see the same struggles in my life over and over and not wanting to go back where I've been, and feeling so close to being able to grasp something I never have before.

I'm frustrated with myself for not being further along than I am- for having made decisions this past year that have sidelined me- for having lost my love for others, as I've allowed myself to care too much about myself.

I don't want to go from drive to neutral to drive and back to neutral (or park). I want to be faithful, steadfast, consistent. I'm not.

I was reading through old journals, and I was surprised by how far back the same request goes. For many years now, I've prayed for deep and strong roots. I think reading my journals is good for me- it reminds me not to trust myself, but to set myself firmly upon scripture and the Word of God... something that never changes and always brings life to me.

Last night at Bible Study Joel's main encouragement to us was "ask God what He wants to cut off, honestly. The sacrifice is worth it. It's time to consecrate ourselves." And I know he's right. It's been the same hunger in my heart. That's why I pulled up Air of Heaven tonight- I feel like the cry from that album really is, "Spend me. Take my all."

I want to live that. And I don't want to try to take back what I lay down at His feet.

"If we will lay down our visions and our hopes, come to God with hands wide open and say, spend me to lay up for Your future sons and daughters. Build Your Kingdom in our sons, and their sons. We say let the Kingdom come."

I want to sell all. And wait on Him. I want a steadfast heart.

One thing I think I've finally got ahold of these past few months, is that when I feel the lowest, scummiest, biggest of a sinner, who can't seem to get things right and get over herself... when I feel the farthest from God... that's the best time to run to Him. And that when I run, He really will run to me, and meet me. When Paul says nothing can separate us from the love of God, he means it, and I believe him.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39

(PS, Romans is my favorite book of the bible. So is 1 Corinthians, Philippians, and Ephesians, and probably 1 Peter now too.) :)

Another thought, I've been thinking a lot on lately- I am so grateful for my Dad. In particular, that he raised us girls to honor and esteem, and adore the word of God. That he put the Word of God, the scripture as the foundation of our family. I think it is undeniably tied to why we are all so strong (perhaps to a fault). We know that some things really do remain- we know the word of God does. We can stand on it, when everything else in our lives is shaking, and our knees and voice are trembling. Thank you Dad. Thank you for dragging each of us into your den for hours and hours (and years), making sure we heard every word of the Bible out loud. Thanks for pausing the tape (which you know I actually didn't mind- unlike others, ahem), to make sure we understood the connections- and that we saw the coherence of scripture- the shadows and promises and completions. Thank you for studying the word... for setting a pattern for us to be students of the word. For making a big deal out of it when we followed in those steps. For investing in us a conviction that, that is one of the best qualities we can find in a husband, a safeguard for a good leader, and a man we can trust our hearts to.

LBL (my boss) just informed me that he can see me moving to Europe for school, deciding to take piano, falling in love with it and becoming a master pianist. (This was told through a long, vivid story of what this process would look like.)

This was not prompted by any comment from me. Nothing.

I told him I do plan to learn the piano, but I'm starting so late. He assured me not to worry about how late I am starting.

I told him I sort of plan to do everything. He liked that. lol.

I think it worries me how much I can see LBL as an old me.... at the same time, it kind of encourages me that I can do all the things I have set in my heart to do. Why not? The man is almost 70 and he windsurfs, rollerblades, cycles, surfs, plays piano, spends part of his year in Hawaii and runs a law firm.

I have a long life ahead of me (I hope), and many years to see the dreams in my heart fulfilled- and bigger and better ones sprout up in their place.

My dreams today are just the early plants, preparing the soil for bigger, better, stronger dreams to take root and grow up in their place. "The best preparation for the future, is a present well seen to, and the last duty done" (George MacDonald).

Rainy Saturday. :) I would like to be cuddled up by a fire with a book. But coming into work isn't half bad either- especially since it's just us four girls here. :)

Plus, I was able to sleep in until 9:30, get a (physical therapy) massage, make breakfast and have a spontaneous family breakfast--- and STILL come into the office to work for a few hours, before coffee with Megs and the CCK Anniversary Celebration tonight! :)

I also got to pull a book off my shelf this morning that I've been waiting months to read- it's in my purse now, ready to be devoured.

Application Status: Complete.

:)

Now, it is just time for me to rest, trust, pray and wait. Thank you all for all your encouragement, prayers and proof reading the past (many) months. You are all the greatest.

Online application: submitted.

Application fee, paid.

Running out right now to go pick up my personal reference letter from my amazing post-starbucks-manager, aka "Boss man."

!!!!!

We are almost there guys! And my heart is RACING! (bad!)

LBL (my boss and senior partner at our lawfirm) conversation at my desk this morning with angry woman who just drove to Seattle to discover the seminar she registered for has been cancelled, and she was not called (whoops!):

"Yes, it is important that we did forget to inform you we cancelled this seminar. But you know what is MORE important? That Katrina here gets into Cambridge... you see, she is brilliant, she has an IQ of like 150, very humble and self-demeaning... but brilliant, and she is trying to get into Cambridge so she had to have a meeting with advisors to help her yesterday. So if you don't mind, 'Katrina, how'd it go?'"


Who else would dare do this to an extrememly upset 'customer' but LBL? And actually have it help calm her down?!

For Kristin Rowles:




For Linda:




For Kaylee:



For Mackie (since you got this before I could! lol!!):

My sister Kim sent me an email today entitled "distraction."

I should have known not to open it. She sent me a link to one of the coolest wedding websites. At which site, I found a link to this incredible jeweler's webpage. I LOVE looking through the metal work on Etsy... and this site joins them. I haven't even made it to the wedding rings yet (but I saw a couple on the wedding website's homepage and they were INCREDIBLE- so unique and beautiful. True craft and beauty!)

Look at these necklaces though- I'm sort of in love.

Turtle Love Co. Check them out- the way they get their jewelry and what they ensure in the process is as cool as the end product.

Okay- coming back to add to this blog, because these two engagement rings are beautiful. I can lean two ways when it comes to wedding rings (and weddings in general). I waver back and forth between wanting something stunning and elegant and over the top.... or simple and beautiful and economical. When it comes to beauty, I typically prefer unique and personally designed over mass produced, and just like 15 other women walking the same street as me in seattle. Likewise, I really do want to care more about the process that brought that piece of jewelry to me. I want every part of my life to be a reflection of choosing responsibility and love over my own personal comforts. When it comes to weddings- I have a hard time excusing in my head, spending the massive amounts of money that weddings really cost... for what? a one day party that really is all about two people making vows to one another. Truly, how much do we lose sight of those vows in the midst of all the rest that's pressed upon us in a wedding planning process. I want to marry the man of my dreams- and I want that day to be perfect and beautiful, and surrounded by the people we love and have been loved by... but is all the rest necessary? But here is the wavering part, I also want to bless all the people who come to celebrate with us, by giving them one of the most enchanting and memorable evenings. I want them to celebrate with us, and love every minute of it. I want them to walk away smiling huge smiles, and remember that night forever.... just like I know me and Mr Hubby will.

I'm a total little girl and dreamer. I own wedding magazines, I have a file on my desk top entitled "Hope Chest" with it's own file for wedding ideas. I have my bridesmaid dresses picked out. I even called one of the stores that is supposed to carry them to try to get more details on them. (I can't believe I just admitted that--- but don't blame me, I am also a HUGE planner and detail oriented... and it kills me to just leave the practical of 'does this dress still exist' and 'how much is it' and 'where is it carried' as blanks). I have all these fun ideas floating around in my head and on my hard drive.... so just ignoring them and having a backyard wedding, kinda makes me a little sad too.

What it comes down to is, I will be so excited when the day comes that I meet the fellow who will be making these important decisions with me, and filling in my dreams with all the colors it is missing. It will be a fun day.

That said, I love these rings. I don't think I'd want them as my own wedding band, but I do think they re beautiful. If you've noticed my purity ring, you'll have noticed I like simple. If you've noticed any of my jewelry actually, this probably won't surprise you. I love authentic and unique metalwork. These are sweet. I've long been enchanted by the idea of marrying some man who doesn't have a lot of money... of toughing it out together in the early days. I want to look back and laugh together about the things we did to cheaply entertain ourselves and decorate our home. I want to build something together.



And again, the wavering... I also love another, pretty fancy style of ring... sooo very much. Anything vintage, has a certain hold on me. Of everything, I think I'd best love the whole 'this was my grandmother's ring' thing. But hey, who knows.

It's no where near the time for me to be worrying about any of these things... instead, I need to be focusing on my essays for my cambridge application, which I was told today I should restart on. :( ugh.

Hope knows that if great trials are avoided great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted.


Brennan Manning, Abbas's Child

Loving this guy's writing..

I will meet you there
Hold you tightly and breathe calm
Back into your lungs.

----

I will never sleep
Until your head finds my chest
And you hear my heart.

----

You have translated
Pieces of my heart that I
Have never understood.

----

Love me for always?
You asked. Always I said, is
just the beginning.


I have never really liked Haikus 'til now. Thank you Tyler Knott.

Another new favorite photographer. Alec Vanderboom.