When I see people who seem to have their priorities in order, it shakes me out of this weird frantic haze.  I don't come across them all too often.  Not that I'm trying to judge anyone's priorities, I'm referring to whether the people themselves seem to feel they have them in control - getting to spend time where they want to - making time for what's important - finding the moment and enjoying it.  Maybe no one actually feels confidently about this - but I see some and think they've certainly got it down better than we do so far. And it inspires me.  

Especially in this moment, when I look at the calendar and see that Beau and I are over halfway through our engagement.  I see a to-do list that's growing faster than we can possibly mark things off of it, and work is far too hectic this summer and my interest too small. And our chickens are trying to kill each other (literally). And they're digging all the dirt out of all of my gardens and picking the plants to death.  And the grass keeps getting long way too fast. And our neighbor (from down the street!) likes to rant about our hedge being too wide. 

And we're halfway through our engagement, and we've barely even had a moment to enjoy it! Two nights ago we had completed out engagement photos and were sitting down at the restaurant where we had our first date.  Our server asked if we were the two who'd been getting photos taken outside, and then offered us a little prosecco to celebrate.  After a moments discussion, we took her up on it.  It was the first time we had sat and sipped champagne to celebrate our engagement.  We just enjoyed the rest of the night - letting ourselves relish it.  And I want to keep doing that.  I want to find how to do that for every day we have left --- even while we knock off the items on our list.  

And some people seem to manage this. They bring their children to concerts in the park and pack delicious picnics for their family and friends.  And they spend the evening, right in the middle of their busy week, sitting on a blanket for 4 hours enjoying the moment. These people inspire me. 

Dream a little dream for me

12 Hours

I slept for over 12 hours last night - yes, on a weeknight.

I understand this is a gift.

I also woke up to a sweet boyfriend asleep on his couch, because I'd fallen asleep around 6:30 and had laid down on his bed rather than going out to my own bed. It went from "laying down for a bit" to "nap" to "goodnight" I guess.  He didn't wake me up to move.  He is a great man.

I also woke up entirely in my work clothes from the previous day, blouse and all.

I think I've been tired.

I will never again.

I know they tell you not to use those words, but I think it's safe in this instance to say.  I will never again:

• Plan a wedding
• Be in the first year of owning a(n older) home 
• Work a crazy stressful/demanding more than full-time job
• Work a second, weekend job (because, hey, it'll be fun! shut up, Kati.)
• Play on a weekly rec soccer team.
• Buy four, unconventional pets I've never owned before.
• Have said, older home with three units (that's three kitchens, three bathrooms, two water heaters, two roofs, etc.)

On top of the rest of life things, like family members in the ER and moving a sister and flying to John's hometown for a memorial service and family reunion all in a week...


I will never again do all of these things - at the same time. 

Never again.



[But if I had to do it again, I'd pick John to be my partner again.]

Stretch Goals

Back again to dream...

My 'house on the hill' since I was little.
In 2012, John and I got to wander through it while vacant.

Just imagine waking up there - with a view of the water and the mountains... fresh eggs for breakfast (like an hour fresh thanks to Moe, Munk, Maxene and Mabel), amazing local coffee (queue John).

Imagine cocktails and intimate live performances in the evenings.  Imagine "Holiday Inn" in real life.

This is my current dream.  It's been brewing for a while in little individual desires.  I could be administrative, relational, artistic and have flexibility. It could be a place for reunion, rest, and reconciliation. We could have chickens and a garden - and spend mornings there. We could serve people on their best days - and provide a roof for them on their worst.  We could bring people together.
Seriously - I think this is my dream, it's where so many of mine and John's dreams and goals come together - and a place where I could collect the stories I care about most, real people's stories.

So here's my new stretch goal - and perhaps a reason to press through a difficult job - and to save pennies.

Crazy Town

Day Two of Crazy commences now.

But first, I'm giving myself FIVE minutes - and I'm spending those five minutes here, with you.

I've been spending some time trying to figure out what I'd love to do - what I want to be working toward - you know, my 'dream career.'  I don't know that it's the same it's always been...  or maybe it is.  I want to write. But I don't want to keep filling the world up with more words.... the internet has crowded us all with words.  (Irony here...now)

I also want to make something - contribute with my hands and body.

I also love relationships - and hosting.

I especially love breakfast.

I love creating beauty.

I've loved a certain house on a hill since I was a little girl.

And had a fascination with old brick mansions too...

Which leads me to my current dream.

I really want to buy a mansion.  And open up a B&B.

I asked John if our next house could be a mansion --- he said, "Everyone needs a stretch goal."


But back to work -- as another project just got set in my lap --- deadline to client 1pm today.

Yesterday was just over 15 hours.... I'm aiming for only 12 today.

Hey there friends!  It's been a couple weeks hasn't it?  I don't have much time to chat today.  I suddenly have two weeks of work to accomplish in the next two days.  Not sure how I'm going to swing that.  But, I'm going to try.  It's 7:45 and I've been here at my desk for nearly an hour.  Already watered the flowers, woke up my girls and changed out their water and food.  First meeting starts in 60 minutes.

Truth be told, I keep pushing an anxious nausea away. What I have to accomplish is maybe not possible.  And certainly will not be healthy if I do pull it off.  

However, as soon as I push that anxious thought away, I find another waiting patiently right behind it.   John.  I came home yesterday to find he was already there.  The front door and back doors open - his shoes on the patio - my man was in the back yard feeding our girls 'a treat.'  My heart melted.  I ran out a few minutes later for a girls night, said goodbye to him as he began the dishes.  And I came home hours later to find him well into moving everything out of our "workshop" and into our office - reorganizing, cleaning, taking care of so many things on our long list of to-do's for the week - creating a guest room. We spent the next several hours of the night cleaning, moving, folding. I'm so glad I get to work beside and with this man for the rest of my life. I'm glad that when I face impossible tasks - successful or not - I get to find him at the end of the day.