I don't think I have genuinely and truly obsessed over something since the start of college.  I mean, I've hit ruts here and there, I've felt pain and struggled through it. But really truly found my self falling into the same dangerous, painful mental cycles over and over and over - it's been a long time since then.  But lately, I find myself there.  I find my mind gets literally stuck, and while I pray, read, recite, read, listen to music and try to force myself to sing along with the lyrics - still, I get stuck. It's a rough patch and probably serving me a good reminder that it is not as simple as I'd come to remember it - "just replace your thoughts."

I think I'm going to tell myself I'm allowed to think those thoughts all I want - that's the science of it right? So I've been told. Telling yourself you can't think those thoughts, makes your mind immediately run off to find those forbidden fields. So yes, brain, mind, you can think them all you want... until 2015.  Then we're done.  Then, we'll be done talking about them.  We can journal them perhaps, maybe sort out final, actual meaningful ends, but besides that, we're done muddying our mental waters.

And with that resolution, I've had another I've been playing around with - deleting Instagram from my phone. I already deleted Facebook from there and find I'm much happier and present already, but I think I could say farewell to Instagram for a month, or maybe a year, and be all the better for it.  I love it.  I love the beautiful shots, and the glimpses into the lives of loved ones, but, I think I'd be a bit more free to just live without them for a little while.  Just be me.  Take in inspiration in intentional handfuls throughout my day when sought, not when my hands nervously find my iPhone and turn me into an insta-zombie, mindlessly scrolling without even realizing what I've done.

I don't like being bad at things.  Maybe you've learned this from (um), any time you've ever hung out with me.  But recently I've had opportunities to be bad at things, or feel bad at things, or be told I'm bad at things - in fact, enough that I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind, and maybe my self. It's the grace of God I think that I also recently gained a life time partner who tells me regularly that I'm capable, talented, effective as he calls it. There are just so bloody many voices out in the world ready to tell you how you should have done something, anything. From making the wreath on your door to selecting your degree - so many voices! And, I think I'm ready for a few less of them.

One of my goals for 2015 is more quiet time.  Rest from the assailment of my own dangerous thoughts and the world full of voices that feed them.

If you're still working on your own new years resolutions here's a great article of 15 Things to Stop Doing in 2015. :)

Puppy Fever!!

I made the mistake of searching for Pyranees for adoption near us.... a serious MISTAKE.

Both of these little pups are within a three hour drive of me right now.  RIGHT NOW.  :(  

I read this and found it so beautiful, I was compelled to share it with you.  This quote is from Erin, of Design for Mankind. It is the end of her article, "On Slowing Down."

THIS IS WATER

Such a fantastic reminder about what our freedom can mean - the freedom and decision we have every day about how we will think: how we will perceive, how we will analyze, and how we will interact with the world around us beginning in our own head.

I'm so happy about Christmas I want to start CRYING.

I'll let you ponder that one on your own.  But despite the obvious - I am just so stinking happy.  Which is crazy, since my family won't be together this year... and more than ever.  But things feel right despite that.  Even though our holiday airfare required an elaborate coordination and calendar this year -- I'm so happy!! I'm happy that we're all darting here and there to be with those we love in unique and exciting new ways.  Kristin flew home from Berkeley yesterday and I got to spend her birthday with her, a fun tradition we got the pleasure of repeating this year.  Jason returned home from Israel on Tuesday, and while in one regard that means little to us here in Seattle, it means everything to my sister Kimberly, which translates to meaning everything to us here as well. (To clarify, his safety back home from an amazing trip means quite a lot to me - but in one regard he is either away, or away from us, so his nearness or farness means less in the day to day - but for Kimberly... ) I can imagine her holiday happiness from across the country and it just ignites mine too! It felt like too much - having one sister return home and a brother-in-law return safely to the states and home to his wifey - it feels like Christmas!  And now, I have one more day of work and a few hours and then John and I get to start packing for our own trip - a flight to Boise for our first married Christmas!  And hours after we hit those long-holiday-security lines, my parents will follow on their own adventure - off to Georgia and then to Christmas with Kim & Jason in their own sweet home!

And that is where I get all teary.  There has been so many exciting things in our family these past couple years - law school, a life-dream trip, home renovations, marriage, Berkeley! All of them have had their trials and troubles at moments, but they are all remarkable feats to look back on and celebrate, and I love the newness of this Christmas.  That is what I am choosing to celebrate this year - the hope of continual newness and the celebration of change.  As the 'tradition' nazi - I am of course also hoping to discover opportunities to cherish all we hold dear and do not want to lose. Little things. Old things. Special things.

I live life a little overwhelmed most days - have for almost two years - but right now, I'm doing my best to just let it all melt into gratefulness and thoughtful appreciation. Which of course - kind of makes me want to cry.

Merry Christmas you guys!!  Celebrate the new - cherish the old! Choose to be okay with things being different than they've always been - it's hope that life isn't locked - it is still being created, day by day. You won't lose what you love, but you will gain more of what you take time to appreciate.

I still need to finish nine books before the end of the year.  Yeah, that's N-I-N-E in the next 22 days. And yes, that means I have finished a total of zero books since last I posted about this.  Gah.  Shut it.  But I have been reading.  In fact I am over half way done with this really dreary novel about a dead woman, that I'd love to be done with, but won't let myself quit.  Partially because I don't quit books.  Mostly because I need NINE more books and I've already invested a week into this thing. We don't have much free time this weekend, but I'm hoping to buckle down and power through this horrible book.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I've also been toiling through Wuthering Heights.  For some reason I was expecting something a bit more like Jane Eyre.  But this book is painful. Combine it with the ghostly novel and I feel there's a draft in the room and far too many dead people making small talk in my subconscious.

Boo!



PS - If you're wondering why I've been silent, please consult the post directly below.  But guess what - I just sent out my second interview team of the week. Boom. :)