One year ago today was undeniably the day we would welcome our son.  We'd checked into the hospital the afternoon before, and after a long night... things were underway. My water broke of its own, while I sat with my godmother in the hospital room. She was the only family to arrive so far, we'd told everyone to hold off because labor wasn't progressing as far as we knew.  She hadn't received the message and drove from Renton to spend the day waiting with us. Thank God, because literally it was as she said a prayer over us that things started to suddenly happen.

From there, we continued to discover that my body wasn't going to do things "normal" - but it was going to do them, in its own confusing, amazing way.  It was a healing experience - a tying together of my body, mind, soul that had been severed apart many times and for many years. Very few things happened as I'd been told they would. And basically every item we'd written on our birth plan as a "would like to avoid" got checked off one after another... including having a Halloween baby.  But it didn't matter... we loved our story. We loved being in it. We operated as a team, we trusted and watched and worked. And in the end, through a cesarean delivery at 12:25am we welcomed our son, Nolan into the world.

His birthday is the 31st, but the 30th will always be all about him and the goodness and healing that was worked in me on that day. It will be about new beginnings - about light in the dark. That's the word we both felt deeply in our beings from the earliest days of our pregnancy. The grief. The glory. The pain. The healing. The guilt. The gratitude. The light shines in the dark and the darkness has not overcome it. 

Nolan William Robert, be a light, Son, in dark days and bright times alike. 

Nolan - Son of the Champion. A reminder that we can be brave and courageous because others were first.  Be grateful for the hard choices of others that paved the way for your own. A brave and victorious legacy. Champion.

William - Resolute Protector. A piece of his Dad's name and his character. Be strong and use that glorious will of yours to stand up for others, protect and guard. Defend what it is you discover you are called to protect.

Robert - Bright Fame. Light. Be who you are; it matters greatly to the world around you and the story unfolding. My godfather's name; a man who beamed with joy, love and strength. A man born 68 years ago today, October 30th.



I've never thought about it before, how beautiful it is that he waited until the start of a new day - the morning. Darkness still everywhere, the promise of morning light. 12:25am.

My dad calls Halloween a dark day - I guess that was the day God saw fit to call this new little light into the world. It's really rather perfect.

I'm a schedule person - a todo list person - a boxes checked person. It feels so good!  And there is something in me that keeps stretching out, craving that schedule. A new normal. Something to organize and erect like a golden cathedral to look to - a bell tower to direct my days with its ticks and tocks.

But its foolish just now to try. This baby boy is yet to fit into any exact schedule, and I'm trying to let this change me a bit, reform me before I begin trying to squeeze him into boxes. For now, I watch his rhythms and I move with them. I study him and try to learn how he tells me what he needs, what he feels, what he sees. And I'm doing my best to learn how to fit the rest of life's requirements in there too, around him.  And I sometimes day dream about a predictable, organized life where I begin scanning my favorite blogs with a cup of coffee at ___am each day, drawing in inspiration. Then clocking into work at ___am. Nolan up at ___am. Down for a nap at ___am. Clocking out at ____am. Where I can schedule things, create calendars, have room.

Not yet. Right now I watch for little hands that still and lay beside him, long looks, a yawn. There it is - time for a nap.  And I note the time, watching for a pattern, ready for a schedule. Soon, I tell myself, soon.

I haven't blogged in a long time, but I need to write and for me it's an all or nothing practice. I can't let the waters run free in one place and damn them up in another. That's how this blog has always worked - it allows those odd streams to trickle out and find a home. Today, I'm writing bios and team descriptions for work and for them to keep moving I have to blot my pen a bit here too with thoughts about another person I know.

I was lucky enough to spend the weekend with some friends. John had arranged for the framing of the basement to start and we needed to get Nolan out of the house for those couple days. When a last minute invite to drive to some friend's family beach house came, I jumped and rearranged my previous plans.

All that isn't important to know. Where it gets us is here though - sitting around a kitchen island, talking about the man not there. John. Everyone was saying how much they wished he was there and how they missed him, liked him, yadda yadda yadda. I love hearing it. And I hear it a lot. More than I've ever heard anyone be liked - I hear people like John. And I'm an analyzer, I want to know why. I might come across like a terrible wife for it, as if I don't know that I married one of the greatest guys. I do know, but I know from lots of long talks, tearful conversations, sweet responses, humble replies, kind looks, hard work, emptied trash, thoughtful questions, sincere texts, boring nights and fun dates, secret gifts, and positive things said behind people's backs. What I want to know is how they all know, and how everyone seems to know so quick. What is it about the guy that made every person in my life tell me "I like that guy!" after meeting him for a second?

I don't really know the answer yet, but my current hypothesis is they can sense they're safe - he is kind, intelligent and humble, and that comes across quickly, maybe from his questions. He asks questions. And he makes people laugh. But he doesn't use sarcasm to do it. You know that quote you always see ascribed to Eleanor Roosevelt? "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." John is never a small mind. I think that is why people like him so damn much. I like him for that too (also, his cute butt). ;)