I usually blog before bed now, which means I am tired. But, Mrs. Gilbert told us my senior year that it is good to write when you are tired, or to sit and write for a long consecutive period because you write the most like yourself. Thats when your voice really comes out, like an accent that you try so hard to 'correct.' You become honest, and real. You become you.

I wasn't intending to write anything real deep now, but it just came to my mind - something the Lord has been whispering to me over and over through the past days. First, He just called me "shining," a strange word to me. Its striking to me that He is calling me NEW things- words that are very different from what I have come to expect. His voice hasn't changed, but in a way it has, I think He is just showing me a whole new, intense love. But yes, He called me shining. It happened when I was in worship and I was very aware of all my groseness and I was thinking/saying to Him how I really don't understand all that He's doing in me right now. It was like when I go to the dentist or to the doctor-- I am one of those people who likes to be walked through the entire process--- I like to know, "Okay, what are you doing now? What are you looking at? Is it okay? Have I been doing a good job of taking care of that?" And in response to this thought and sort of questioning, 'God, what are you doing in there?' He read these inner thoughts and the insecurities that laid beneath them, and all He said was "You are shining." It was the most comforting and surprising, and endearing thing! I smiled. I had to- I'm shining?!

Since then, He's been soaking it into me, and showing me just how much I have been afraid to "shine" or stand out. I really do not like to stand out or be "brilliant" (in the broader sense, not just referring to 'intelligence' though it does reflect in that too!). I am a perfectionist, and I always want to do the absolute best possible, but at the same time, I don't want people to know it because I am afraid of what they will say- they will think about me trying to be "brilliant" or "shining."

God had really begun speaking to me about this even before...at the women's conference. He spoke to me, He called me several things-- and He said, "You are, because I SAID SO." Then, the speaker began speaking on that exact topic! God continued to press into me that I must choose to be who He says I am, and not be afraid to become it because of the mistakes that have stained me in the past- people aren't holding me to that, and if they are---God has called me it, and I must choose to live by what HE says. I'm struggling to share just how revolutionizing this thought is for me- its not that same idea I had been told before about being who God says I am ....I know it sounds the same, but it is SO different somehow. Oh, I want to get this across. Benni Johnson said, "We can't afford to have thoughts in our heads about us that God doesn't have for us." And the next day, Ceci Sheets said that "God looked at Moses, a stuterer and a murderer, and saw a deliver. God looked at David, a shepherd, and He saw a King....What does He see when He looks at you?"

Benni also said that "God is calling us up, to let us commune with Him, but also to let us see things from His perspective." I believe that new perspective begins, or largely includes, how we see ourselves. He is CONTINUALLY breaking off things from me, and its like I can't fully even grasp all that He is doing, but as He keeps freeing me and rearranging me and I feel uncomfortable and at times insecure, He just gently and lovingly reassures me- I don't get it- He is so incredible! While all my ugliness and darkness is in front of Him, He calls me lovely, pure, shining!? I know He is looking right into the depths of me, holding parts of my heart that I didn't want anyone to have to touch, and He loves me- He POURS out His love on me more intense than ever before!

Last week in Christ Church Mill Creek prayer, God was putting a number of things together for me- He was speaking to me about how important it is for us particularly as the CCMC church plant to believe what HE says about us- to see ourselves as "Giants" going into the land to take it. If we see ourselves as He does, then we wont be intimidated by the occupants- we wont be "as grasshoppers in our own eyes." Think about it- the children of Israel saw themselves as grasshoppers, but they later found that the people of Jericho had been fearing them (because of their God) all the while!

How important it is that we know who we are, from Him, and look out from His view. Suddenly, it all becomes in perspective.

Kim Walker broke out in "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.." and I began laughing and singing with every shard of my heart. I know others probably felt the same as me, but that children's song wrapped it all up for me. I feel so free, released from who I have been, and free to be who He created me to be, who He already sees me as.

I didn't expect to write all that- I didn't open my laptop intending to write any of that, but I am glad it came out. I love you all!

Katrina Hope


"Don't let who you are now rob you of who you are to become - even your successes. Often your potential is robbed by your last accomplishment."
-Ceci Sheets