I am sitting on my bed, snacking on fresh apples and peanut butter, listening to Laura Woodley and the rain falling on the lilac tree outside my window. My room is finally in order, and with it a small piece of my life- and I feel a little rest. I could almost cry with the clouds right now. (a good cry).

My life feels very uncertain. It's mostly just my job, but I feel this huge confusion around my life. It is MORE than my job. (yes, whether to stay or go, and if stay, what exactly that would look like? and if to go, where?) Amidst that though, I have realized lately how much I have changed over the past few years- things I like, things I miss. Driving up to Family Camp I had this strange moment, where I realized I like who I am...it was a thankful moment, I am sooo grateful for what God is doing in me, and what He's done in me. Now, the last couple weeks I'm more aware that I still am not totally certain who I am...yes, a daughter. Thats most of what I have to stand on right now.

Conflicts at work have left me asking secretly, "What have I done?" I know so much of it was not my doing, but I fear secretly it was. I was living up to workplace standards, but not up to who I know I am. I was not being selfless, a servant, a daughter in the marketplace as I know I am to be. I was holding on to my own life. How do you explain that to HR? And still, what other things outside of my hands have played a part? And how do I continue now, accepting both?

Along with this is the undercurrent of other questions- only 21, I know, but friends marrying and others seeming close, I can't help but think of that chapter in my own story- and then realizing that I have changed so much, and AM changing so much, and that I genuinely don't know whats best for me- who's best for me...more uncertainty and confusion. (notice the 45 word long sentence there!)

There is so much more, so many details that seem drifting past me downstream while I'm holding on to a branch. I am not in a crisis right now, don't worry (or maybe I am, but I know that branch is rooted deeper than the current of the river!). However, I am definitely in need of the Lord, and I DO want Him more than my next breath! This Sunday's message was so pertinent to me right now- I wanted to make sure I captured every word into my notebook. "Don't quit a job until you have a preceding word! Don't start a job until you have a preceding word!" Okay....so, I sit, and wait for Him to speak. I need one of the "Then God said.." moments in my life. This is where I actually get excited, because pastor norm explained that a "Then God moment" is what begins a presence movement, and I'd certainly love to see the Lord release a Presence movement at my work, even amidst my own recent failures. I want the Lord to come- come to my bedroom, come to my home, come to my work, come to the Gilberts' tonight! ;)

Lord, I am so grateful for all you are doing, in me and around me, and I'm grateful I have only You to grasp. Speak into the void... :)