We have a tradition at my house at Christmas time (actually, we have many traditions through the holidays, and as the youngest child and an especially sentimental individual, I feel it my responsibility to make sure they all continue). At Thanksgiving time, we each sit down to the table to find 5 pieces of corn in front of us. For each piece, after dinner, we say something we are thankful for. (It always ends up sappy, no matter hwo hard we try). In a similar fashion, On Christmas, we go around the table, each committing to different things we'd like to see changed that year.

It's strange, even though I know it is coming and I am typically an over-preparer, I never can predetermine either of these things. What I am thankful for is easy, I am blessed and I know it. I am surrounded by incredible people, and I am loved by an amazing God, who I actually get to KNOW in a personal way. But what I want to change....this is hard. Now, don't think that I find it hard to find things to change about my self and my life....that isn't hard. The challenge is that I am going to give myself to seeing whatever I say, actually accomplished over the next year. And my word at this moment, matters.

Tonight, I was shocked by one of the things I committed to, or more accurately, I was shocked by my immediate internal response. I want to be less of a selfish person. I want to give more of myself to the people around me. I do not want my life to become centered around my self!

I have old friends who I have been through the fire with, and even under fire with/from, lol. And these friends mean so much to me. I have two sisters who are priceless, and who are my best friends. And I have several people who I have met in just the last year (or just become friends with), who already are deeply important to me. I have two younger cousins who I love, and who test me daily, lol. I have two incredible parents! All of these relationships require actual tending, not only with time, but in my own heart and thoughts. I want to become better at spending myself on others- spending my time with them, and more time alone praying for them to be blessed and loved and protected and healed, and released into the amazing destinies each of them have. I care about people, A LOT, but what good is caring if I am not acting as an interceder for them, if I am not helping them and loving them by my actions.

This year, above all else, I want to love.

I want the people around me to feel it, and to rest in it. I want to stop protecting my heart from feeling the pain it is prone to feel when someone I care about is hurting. I want to learn what to do in that moment, when I know they are hurting...I want to stop thinking quite so much, and instead, think about THEM and what they really need. And be the portal for them.

I want to be a safe place, and I want all the things that make people feel unsafe around me to melt off. I want to be selfless. I want to be less aware of myself then I have ever been. I want to live in awe of an amazing God who is overcome with love for the person I am with in that moment.

I want this to be done in me. It sounds like too much to me at moments, but then I remember: today, I am celebrating a man who died one of the most disgraceful deaths of his day, for me. He can work his nature in me. And I can learn to love.