I soaked in Psalms 56 and 57 this morning. Wow.

I told Toni (Rosemary) yesterday, I had a pregnancy dream the other day. I didn't really remember it, I just remembered I was pregnant.

She told me it typically means you're about to birth something new.

Last night, I had another. And stragenly vivid. I was in the hospital room. I remember the doctor (no one I knew). Toni was there. So was my mom, and others. I didn't feel like it was time. And I was scared. But the doctor thought it was about time. I even remember the physical pain I felt. I was still up and walking around. Toni and I walked to the bathroom and were talking in there, I was telling her I was afraid and didn't think I was ready.

I woke up with a couple thoughts. One, pregnant women are the bravest women I know. To anticipate and look forward to that pain, because they know the priceless gift it will produce. And the joy that will come right after the pain. Also, how much I still need the Lord to take away my fear of the unknown, the things He is bringing into my life that aren't meant for me to try to control. I did my senior thesis on childbirth imagery, and how much of it's power and promise is in the fact that once it is begun, it can't be stopped. I've learned a lot more recently about childbirth and how God created a woman's body to carry it out (thanks to Rob & Aime and all their studying for Cadence) - the best thing a woman can do is learn to allow her body to do what it was created for, not to rush it, or to fight it.

Father is so faithful to prepare us for the coming things, and I don't want to control any of it. I want to trust completely, in the way that takes whatever comes from His hands with a sense of resolve and of rest. I want to walk into this next season with trust from the start. I want my life to be purged of all the fear and anxiety.

Psalm 56 is all on trusting the Lord. I didn't search for it, or look up Trust in an accordance. In fact, I was still trying to process my dream when I opened up my Bible. I heard the Lord say to go to the Psalms. And as I began to read, my spirit began to drink, and my heart began to listen. Psalm 57 seems to reinforce that He is worthy of trust. He is faithful. He is perfect. And He is working out His plan.

Yesterday, I had coffee with MacKenna. I love that woman. One thing she said to me that so reinforced the very core of what God's been doing in me is, 'Katrina, just be.' Everything she said before went straight to my heart too, but her final words were like the bottom line of all God's been saying and doing.

Yesterday at church they asked those who needed a touch from God to raise their hand. I raised mine before I even knew my hand was in the air. And no one else around me did. But I realized in an instant, I didn't care. (Humility, or rather, humiliation, has been another trend lately. I find myself telling the one thing I don't want to tell, to the one person I don't want to tell it a lot lately. I'm getting over myself.) I'm in a season of transition, and I know I just need whatever I can get to press through into this new thing. I need a touch of His power. I need a breath of His mighty wind to carry away some things and clear the earth for what's to grow through the Spring.

This morning, in Kenmore, I saw it. Spinners on a minivan.

The King's Speech is amazing! Go see it. It's everything everyone says it is, and more. You will not be disappointed. Rather, you will be inspired and deeply moved. It has everything, including humorous banter, beautiful shots, excellent acting, and some really great furniture.

It might have helped that I got to see it with some pretty great fellows too. But yes, an excellent movie. One to buy.

A friend of mine was recently in a wedding (of a bride and groom I do not know), and I saw her tagged in the photos. Look how adorable this bride and groom are. They clearly got rained out- which is all the more beautiful if you ask me. (The bride is stunning!)

Speaking of Blue Hawaii. This song has now been stuck in my head aaaall day. And after watching it, I'm reminded again of what part exactly my dad played in helping shape my 'taste' in men. I've never gotten over Elvis Presley. To be honest, all three of us girls realized while we sat through Cirque de Soleil's Elvis in Vegas last Summer, that he was all of our's first crush. We've been looking for our Elvis's ever since.


*once again, my blog window cuts half of it off... click on it if you feel you are missing out by not seeing the whole thing (which you are).

Can't it just be Spring already?


I'm ready to wear sundresses, and read books on a blanket at the park, and take walks, and go on hikes. I'm ready to not be cold and locked away inside.

Last night I sat outside alone for 15 minutes. I took my longboard out for a few minutes I had before I needed to be in the church for homegroup. I road to the end of the lot, and then just sat on it where no one could see me. I watched the sky. Watched people pull up, hug, greet, walk inside. I just sat there alone, reflecting on all the tears I've spilt in that parking lot. The things I've said goodbye to. And last night, I said another goodbye. And I became re-aquainted with the muchness of me (Alice in Wonderland reference). All the while watching quietly this world that's so much bigger than what I see.

Favorite pastime: sitting alone outside. I'll never tire of sitting on a sidewalk or street (or now, my longboard... gotta say, it's great to have my own little seat no matter where I go.) :) Little did my family know, that little 4 year old girl, in just a swimsuit, with a dirty butt from sitting wherever she pleased, and a crazy mess of hair... would still be happy 20 years later to do just the same thing. In the summer sunshine, a crisp fall morning, or a starlit night.

This is one of my favorite videos of all time. These wedding photographers/videographers are remarkable. Check out Iris and Light sometime. In the meantime, watch this video.

5 Years Time from IRIS AND LIGHT on Vimeo.

I got to thinking about it again earlier this week because my sister Kimberly sent me this other video she knew I'd love. My sister Kris watched it and said "Yeah, it's you." I agree. :)

Lex & Loren - Engagement/Save the date! from Brinton Films on Vimeo.

My family grew up on Elvis. In Blue Hawaii there is a classic line we always quote. Elvis is on the beach with a girl, and a little boy walks up and says "If I get a girl, can I play too?" With these videos in mind, all I can say is I can't wait til I get a boy and I can play too. Looking forward to meeting the man who will just enjoy life with me - be silly, go on adventures, hold hands, and eat ice cream. :) Not to mention, I'm really looking forward to having a dance partner.. I think my choreography would really improve if there were two of us. (for the lucky few of you who have seen the real kati dance sequences.)

But after watching that video, I wondered, how many people would even know that this is me. Is it the me most people see? The past few years I have had to focus and bear down, mature, grow, dig deep roots, seek direction and vision and make sacrifices. In the midst of it all, I've let a huge part of who I am slip. I've become more 'awkward' than 'silly.' And the truth is, most of that awkwardness is intentional, because it makes people relax and not feel like they have to perform or live up to anything. But, as my sister Kristin said the other day when I was talking to her about this, that's not really me walking in the full confidence of who I am. Part of the full confidence of who I am, is a combination of being someone who can walk into any situation and fit in and be confident and enjoy it, and also a young girl/woman who loves to have fun in every situation she faces. The girl who laughs so hard she can't breathe, and who loves to do most anything to make her family laugh... needs to come back a bit more. The me I am with Kristin... who asks the full elevator "what floor?" when it only goes to one. Who used to enjoy lying in the middle of mall floors during holiday shopping season, or telling the clerk to "charge it" while handing them my library card.

Yes, life is busier, and I don't want to forsake any of the things I know I'm called to invest in. And I don't want to take any of my responsibilities lightly, but I also know that one of the greatest gifts I can carry to the people I love is my joy and peace. And I sense this year is going to be about that. Strange, since this year has already felt like one of the hardest in many ways. But all the more I sense that, that joy and love for life are going to be key in coming through it all.

(I know my family is all pretty grateful for this post- my dad has often talked to me about how I've changed and lost a lot of that joy and easiness. I'm a passionate person, I hate to feel like I'm wandering. But I'm also passionate about adventures ...so, figure that one out. I certainly haven't been able to yet.)

My sister Kristin told my boss two days ago that her favorite thing about our dad is his sense of humor. And furthermore, that one of her favorite things about our family is that we know how to laugh- no matter what. That regardless of all the crap we may be going through, we can always still laugh and press through. I love that about my family too. Sometimes, I wish we took some things more seriously, as I'm sure we've all hurt each other at one time or another by making light of something that's really quite tender (probably because we also are all terrible at showing what really matters most to us), but despite that, I love that we laugh together. And that we laugh so hard that dad's face starts to change color a little, and I start to gasp for air, and mom's laugh becomes an entirely different laugh altogether. No one can make me laugh like my family can at a family dinner over a shared bottle of wine, delicious food, and some great dessert.

Peter found who he was, not while he was asking "Who am I?" but right after answeing Jesus, "You are the Christ" (Mark 8). This year I am not focusing on who I am, but as I've been digging more and more into scripture and my relationship with the living Christ, and seeking to become more authentic in love to those around me, I've been discovering pieces of me that aren't in play, and should be.

I'm grateful for the maturity that's come, and for the faithfulness He's built in me. I'm not a little girl, and I don't intend to act like one. I don't want to wander or make aimlessness my task. But, I also don't want to lose that key strength of joy. And it has gone quite dormant. I've stopped being part of who I've always been... and the result is that newer friends don't even know that girl, and older friends and family don't feel quite so relaxed and joyful around me. I think it all comes down to a greater freedom to just be. I wrote earlier this month, In the meantime, I'm learning how to be true, and a me that's meant for you. And that really sums up this season quite well.

I'm craving the sea. I often look at this picture as of late. I'd love to wake up next to this (I mean the water, obviously ;) Watch the sunrise, with a cup of coffee and my best friend. Welcome a new day, and a new season of life.
And I'm pretty sure this is Ireland. So... do I need to even say more?

I just want to be on the water. Or beside it. And preferably, to not be freezing. ;)

I think I know where I'll go running today.

If you have about 5 minutes to spare, go read this story: Forgotten Strings Recall Holocaust Horror

I love violins. I have since I was a little girl listening to Kelsey Willis play. I've long dreamed of learning how to play. And while I feel silly, now 24-years-old, it looks as though this may very well be the year that dream starts to come true.

Even if you don't love violins though, the story above is remarkable. I've read a number of books on the Holocaust, and looking back after reading this article, it is strange to me to recognize the subtle role of violins in several of the stories. You all know I want to write- and be a writer. However, as I've shared with several of you, I find it hard. Because, my strength in writing is not so much creative story telling, as it is close reading and analyzation. Several of my professors pointed this out to me across my years at UW. I owe much of that simply to the training at CCA through Rhetoric. But I say all this for the sake of saying something more, I love looking across history and finding trends that have been unnoticed, specifically in literature. I love finding things that are less talked about in books and literary period, or studying the influence of culture and crisis on literature and then the influence of the literature on those people, and those who followed. I love finding something more meaningful than expected in a small detail of a great story. This type of writing is hard to do, in a setting other than academic. And I do still want to write a creative story- I just find it so hard to start, because I don't care to just write an entertaining story.

Last night, I had the opportunity to attend a Princeton Alumni event with Kim Rankin. The President of the University, as well as one of the Creative Writing Professors (also an author of 5 books and was recently the head of the Creative Writing program) shared. It was a remarkable well done event (of course), and much of what the President shared was mind-blowing. One of my favorites is a new program they've begun called "Bridge-Year" where incoming freshmen are given the choice to postpone attendance for one year, and instead be sent to some country to serve. Just serve. The video they showed of one of these young 18-year-old girls was hugely impacting! She'd spent her year in India, helping at a school in the Red-Line Disctrict, composed of the children of the pimps and sex-trade workers. Returning, her whole focus at Princeton was now to become someone who can make a difference in these childrens lives. She's said work service has become a part of who I am, and I can't ever leave it. To watch someone, just about to begin school at one of the greatest Universities in America, suddenly undergo a year that turns her life completely to being not about herself, was amazing. And the whole point of the program, according to the President last night, is to serve, and to give young adults this experience before college (as opposed to the end as is more common), so that it can impact all their college experience.

But the greatest part of the night for me, was the Creative Writing Professor, Weng Ghui Young. I don't even know if I can recount any specific quotes, or that I want to try. He was one of the best public speakers I've seen in person. And it doesn't hurt that he was speaking directly about my core passion. At the end, I literally had tears in my eyes as he talked about creating not great writers, but great readers who have the capacity to always engage a new book or piece of information and make the connections necessary to create new thought. See, I really am doing a terrible job of it. But, he was funny and deep all at the same time. I left, remembering the power of a book and why we even give Nobels to authors. And wanting to have that story for me to begin to write.

I've had this saved on my desktop for a couple weeks. Being that a friend recently posted on his blog, the bike he'd like. I figured I'd follow suit. How perfect is this bike? :)



Last year I started playing around with the idea, but this year, I think I'll really do it. I'm going to take my mom's old bike in and get it all dolled up (assuming she'll still let me).

I've been storing up quotes, songs, poems.... all things beautiful and powerful, since 2003. If I recall, it had something to do with Mrs. Gilbert giving a quote about how all great public speakers have _____ quotes at their command. I am a terrible memorizer. So, I decided I'd keep them at my command, in a little book. It quickly became a book of all that I wanted to be. When I first began writing in it, I determined it would be for my future husband and children. I hoped that it would somehow shape who I'd become, and therefore chart my journey for those who would know me one day. I've since read the contents over and over and over. They say what you behold you become. They are my most delighted in words. In recent years, I have not done such a wonderful time of recording the new things I read and love, but if you were to look through my books (of if you've ever borrowed one, you know), there are "Q.B"s written all throughout. (Braden and Madison thought perhaps that stood for "Question for Braden." Not quite.)

A few from my Quote Book:

To burn brightly our lives must first experience the flame. In other words, we cease to bless others when we cease to bleed."
-LB Cowman, Streams in the Desert

"Both the wisdom and the strength will always be given, in perfect measure, when the time comes, if we take up quietly and faithfully the duties of today. Let us not make the mistake of directing our energies toward what is not today's business. The best preparation for the future is always the conscientious carrying out of what is given us today."
-Elisabeth Elliot, Quest for Love

"When to all this was added, an overpowering sense of her beauty, and an unquestioning conviction that this was a true index to inward loveliness..."
-George MacDonald, Phantastes

"Stories are equipment for living... to live in a fictional reality that illuminates our daily reality."
-Robert McKee (Hollywood screenwriting teacher)

"There are so many things to occupy our minds: so many books, so many examples, so many good teachings that deserve our attention, that say, "here is a truth." But, as I have been serving the Lord these past years, He has led me to seek for two things and two things only: to know the heart of God in Christ and to know my own heart in Christ's light."
-Franic Frangipane, Holiness, Truth & the Presence of God.

"Truth is knowing God's heart as it was revealed in Christ, and it is knowing our own hearts in the light of God's grace."
-Francis Frangipane, Holiness, Truth & the Presence of God


Tonight, I'm adding:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken:
The crownless again shall be king.

-JRR Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring


I believe stories can build courage in our hearts, and teach us not only to dream, but to fight.

MacKenna.



If there's a man in the moon, I believe he sings a song to you.
Happy to know you, to see you, and move the waters that surround you.
I'm pretty sure you're the reason he painted his night skies deep blue.
And the oceans were convinced to reflect the same deep blue hue.
Because Julia loves when darkness surrounds, and light shines through.

I opened my bible on the bus ride home yesterday, feeling completely overwhelmed, desperate and very low on hope. I opened directly to this:

Unless the LORD had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 93:17-19

I then read through Psalm 92-95 (the two pages opened). How faithful He is to remind us.

Psalm 92[a]
A psalm. A song. For the Sabbath day.
1 It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
2 proclaiming your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night,
3 to the music of the ten-stringed lyre
and the melody of the harp.

4 For you make me glad by your deeds, LORD;
I sing for joy at what your hands have done.
5 How great are your works, LORD,
how profound your thoughts!
6 Senseless people do not know,
fools do not understand,
7 that though the wicked spring up like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they will be destroyed forever.

8 But you, LORD, are forever exalted.

9 For surely your enemies, LORD,
surely your enemies will perish;
all evildoers will be scattered.
10 You have exalted my horn[b] like that of a wild ox;
fine oils have been poured on me.
11 My eyes have seen the defeat of my adversaries;
my ears have heard the rout of my wicked foes.

12 The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,
they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;
13 planted in the house of the LORD,
they will flourish in the courts of our God.
14 They will still bear fruit in old age,
they will stay fresh and green,
15 proclaiming, “The LORD is upright;
he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.”

I definitely spent my bus ride home, bible open, tears coming down my cheeks. Thankfully, the man next to me was asleep.
(PS, it was even better in my ESV bible.)

This verse has been running through my head the past few days, and I've just been soaking in it. And praying it over myself.

As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world's interest in me has also died.
Galatians 5:16 NLT

I just looked it up online, and to the right, they cross-referenced it with this:

but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 9:24

Amazing. That is the other half of what God's been speaking. I mean, literally... that was Sunday's message. Especially when you realize that many of the translations of Galatians 5:16 say "may I never glory in anything except.." And P. Norm was speaking about how showing grace reveals God's glory (in compliment to the last two messages on compassion and mercy).

Long (amazing) day ahead.

Waking up has been soooo hard this week. I set my alarm for 5:45am, and got out of bed an hour later. I'm not normally like this.

Started a pot of coffee (yes, it was going to be one of those days I could tell already, coffee to make it to work!), sorted laundry, threw in a load of whites. Hopped in the shower.

My shower must be a time warp. I'm an unusually quick showerer (for females). This morning, I wasn't.

After getting dressed, and getting a cup of coffee, I returned to collect all my things for the day, and triple check the list I made last night through a series of 'get out of bed and write that one down too or I'll forget!'... "Oh yeah, my crimper! I better write that down too!"

I rounded up my bags and brought them to the stairs, and then returned to fill up for a second cup for the drive. Only, I couldn't find the coffee pot. After checking a few other spots.... I opened the fridge. Yep. There was the coffee pot, right beside my creamer.

Second cup ready (hoping this will get my mind going). Search for my keys a little more (they weren't where I normally put them). My car key is seperate, so I brought out a load and started the car. Running back inside for the second load, I hear something jingle. Sounded remarkably likes keys. Yep, in my pocket. I'd checked my coat pocket, but I'd apparently dropped them in my sweatshirt pocket before even putting on my jacket.

Got the second load, locked the door. I put my cell in my purse, right? I remembered dropping it in there, but today would not be a good day to forget. Can't spot it. Back in the house.. not on my bed. Must be in my purse or... one of the 5 bags in my car. Back to the car- mom's calling my cell. Yep, in my purse.

By now, I'm running late. Not much, but about 10 minutes. Next, bad traffic. I take the express lanes. Almost an hour later, I hit my exit... only, somehow, I don't. Because my actual exit (Columbia) is a carpool exit form the express lanes, and somehow I missed Stewart (something to do with the accident that had all the lanes stopped for most my drive). I ended up exiting the next exit, which was right before West Seattle Bridge.

I finally roll into the office, only 9 minutes late remarkably, and walk back to my bosses office (since there is a note tapped to my screen that says "Katrina- see me 1st thing. ...!" He's chewing out Kristin over some little thing about the way she printed his schedule off. I think, 'wow, this is a good day.'

At least I got a lovely tour of downtown Seattle this morning, winding my way down the busy morning streets all the way from Lander and the warehouses.

No, but really, the day is getting better. My boss apologized and seems in a better mood. My mind is struggling to awake (2 cups of drip and a 3 shot grande later). Larry has me working on some large project, creating all his binders for a new case he just took over. Not a day to have your mind numb.

My thoughts: Oh Lord, grace!

4:20... and I'm still at work. So is Kristin.


I left to run errands for work.... and got pooped on by a bird.


So far, awesome day.


Better news: surprise dinner with some of my sbux folk this evening. Definitely been missing them lots!

currently working on convincing LBL that he, Kristin and I should all leave work and go play in the sunshine at 1pm.

I'll report back with an updated status.

All I'm saying is... we both have our longboards, and he's going to leave to go roller blading anyways.... :)

I've missed soccer more than any of you know.

Well, strike that... more than most all of you know. (Kim, Jess and Dad, I think you three might know)

"When your own heart's been broken it will be time for you to think of talking. But someone must say in general what's been unsaid among you this many a year: that love, as mortals understand the word, isn't enough. Every natural love will rise again and live forever in this country: but none will rise again until it has been buried."

"The saying is almost too hard for us."

"Ah, but it's cruel to not say it. They that know have grown afraid to speak. That is why sorrows that used to purify now only fester."

....

"Nothing, not even the best and noblest, can go on as it now is. Nothing, not even what is lowest and most bestial, will not be raised again if it submits to death."

-The Great Divorce, CS Lewis (my favorite lines, from one of my favorite books... and what I referenced in a recent post)

I'm rejoicing in this, that all around I feel much dying in me, and that from it can come life, and a love that can live forever. Oh Lord, let these sorrows purify.

I've long believed that great pains and hurts, gently responded to, are what make a great woman: tender and gentle and strong. But in the past couple months, I've learned that it is as much by receiving love as by loving when your heart is broken. I keep repeating to myself (almost in surprise), "love has done a work in me." It's true. The love and gentleness of many in my life even just in the past few months, has done a great work in me. It's made me something different, and it's begun a discontent with my lack of love for others. My prayer's always been to be an act of love, that I'm more love than me... and that when people encounter me, they encounter tangible, real, embodied love. I'm so far from that. And I'm so desperate to become it. And that is why, as I feel death, I celebrate that love may be being birthed, love that is stronger than me.

One thing I love about my job: I am always learning.

Last week, I simply stated to my boss that I had no idea how to look up or reference court cases (I'd made a mistake and he couldn't understand why at first). Rather than being a jerk, he pulled out a piece of paper and explained the Washington Court System to me. Maybe I should have known that. Strike that, I should have known that. We all should. But honestly, do you? From that, he explained the two different types of court cases that are recorded and referenced. I really enjoyed it. Kristin was sitting there smiling, she knew he was enjoying teaching (he loves teaching), and I was enjoying learning (I love learning). I miss sitting in a classroom, focusing my thoughts on some new frontier I've never given my attention to before-- or perhaps have, but only in wondering and am finally receiving answers regarding. I intend to always be learning, always be studying, always be observing. And here, where my boss desides on a daily basis whether I am the marketing person, the seminar administrator, the receptionist, the office manager, a legal assistant.... you name it... there is always some new task for me to learn. Not to mention, where my boss loves to delve into whatever topic, book, show or eavesdropping he did in the starbucks line... I often get to start my morning with a discussion on a recent court case, the Nazis, aliens, creation, King's Speech, Hemingway, or Joseph Szigeti. Sometimes, I wish he'd at least let me finish my coffee first... but, eh. My point remains, I enjoy the culture of continual learning that is necessary in a lawfirm. I also enjoy that for the time being, my boss seems to think I could do nearly anything. Today, he decided I'd make an excellent Director of Staff for a Governor. When I said "that sounds fun." He began plotting how to make it happen... I had to say "Larry, do you really want to get rid of me that bad?" To which he replied, "Get back to work." I smiled. :)

I was trying to decide what I'd be making for/with two of my lovely friends this evening, when my sister brought over a plate of deliciousness for me to try. I now know what I'm making, since she agreed to give me the recipe (if I'd give her credit--- she was poking fun at me with that request).


Dearest Kimberly,

you may have given me the best gift ever, when you bought Kristin the Barefoot Contessa's Cookbook for Christmas. So far, I've been able to try three different things she made from there, and all three danced upon my tongue like a legion of mermaids splashing about in paradise.

Signed sincerely, the (hungry) 'little one.'

To my friend:

Just because your future's hidden
Doesn't mean that you lack vision.
And while your life resembles night
It doesn't mean you're a failing plight.


Don't mistake the Lord's reposturing of your dreams and vision as yourself failing, or lacking vision. He's doing something new. And first it must look like death, before it can be birthed only in His life.

To die is Christ, and to live is gain.

Saw this and thought of my childhood buddies, Tyson and Robert. (Back then, they referred to one another as 'Bones' and 'Crow.')
Two of the best men I know.

Work today has been highly entertaining. Or rather, LBL has.

The morning started out with an entire discussion on some court case (not a case we are handling, just one he read and wants me to read now so we can discuss it more).

I walked out, and Kristin (who'd been laughing from her cubicle) and I both agreed he was just trying to see how different her and I are. He had actually just commented on it before diving into the case discussion. In the same conversation he also told me "I don't think you are so much a thinker, as a romantic. You aren't the type to sit and argue through all the logic, as to sit and imagine." He didn't mean it as an insult. And truth be told, he was somewhat right... the point I think he was trying to sort out. He's become comfortable referring to me as a 'cold intellectual' or a 'retro intellectual.'

Cold? I think not. But I think that is his description of my stiffness in some things. He's also called me 'rigid' on several occasions now. At first he told me I was too rigid, as of last week, he told me I'm rigid in all the right ways. (That's when he was trying to set me up with his son).

Every interaction we've had over the past 2 days has been him playing some sort of a mind game. He loves to say things and see if people will react the way he expects or not. He's always watching, manipulating, moving. It sounds a bit disturbing, but I actually sort of enjoy it.

I try not to manipulate, but I'm similar in that I am far more of an observer than people realize. I love to study people, and to get to know them. I love being surprised by them, but I also love when I find consistency in a person's character. Anyways- it's fun to read him, while he reads me. Both of us playing, and usually only letting it out by a smile or laugh when we're caught.

I was journalling last night, in a special journal I rarely write in. In the front cover, I found a single page tucked in. It's a list I made back before college. I don't know exactly when I wrote it, except that it is clearly before I started school at UW, looks like the end of MCs, or the summer between.

My name is on the top, followed by about 20 things I want to do in my life. A few I have already accomplished, like:
-study literature/ go to college
-learn a foreign language

A good deal of them are long-term goals I can't achieve just yet...

One of them is kick-boxing. Back in Junior High, Elise and I both decided we wanted to start taking kick boxing classes. I chuckled when I saw it on this post-high school list. I've never done it, but each year I say I will.

Today, I saw a deal for kick boxing classes. I bought them. Twenty (60-75 min) classes to use over the next year. The studio is in Issaquah, so I will probably be taking them each Saturday morning. (I already called and spoke with someone there to confirm times/restrictions/culture of the class).

Again, this year just feels different. How remarkable that so many silly little dreams are suddenly seeming easy, and real!

As for other dreams, some of those are seeming harder than ever to keep living, without their presence. It is like the fulfilment of these little dreams and desires just feed the awakening of the greater ones in my heart. It's made me cry more than once this new year.

Oh Lord, what does this year hold?

Pics that remind me of beautiful Jordyn...

The Transitional Protocol.

While working downtown I have been studiously observing protocol in three necessary places of transition: the bus, the elevator, the escalator.

Now, I don't have it all pinned down, but at this point I have done a lot of thinking and I think it would benefit us all for me to externalize those thoughts here.

Bus.
The bus is a dangerous place. Not because of the homeless man, or the smoke-ridden, but moreso because of the women who fall in the gray zone between, not young but not old. And definitely not wanting to be considered old. I've many times now witnessed a young man try to offer his seat to one of these such women. The no thank you spit back could tear the hair from those men's chests. I fear for them. And it is no less terrible for us young girls. The rules of who to offer your seat to on a crowded buss puzzle me. And I would just default to 'offer it, always, to all but punks.' Except, that more often than not it is more insulting than benefitting to fellow bus riders. This morning, I gently layed my gloved hand on the hand of the man standing next to my seat. He was not old, but he had a cane. And the bus was pretty packed. I didn't want him getting pushed around by the uncaring young guy next to him. I offered him my seat. He was polite in denying. But I wondered, did that insult him or bless him? That was the second person I'd offered my seat to. The first was a woman, and when she didn't respond. I pretended I hadn't said anything and opened my book back up (to a random page).

Yes, danger. Caution to the caring.

Elevator.
The elevator has been my favorite transition vehicle. Well- truthfully, I hate elevators. I used to be terrified of them-- I'd sooner have walked 38 floors than taken a cage of death to the heavens. But, now that I've overcome that fear...I relish in the awkward interactions forced on groups of strangers in an elevator. One day, while riding up, I realized I was the only one not facing the door. Apparently, there is unspoken protocol for an elevator: don't face in. You are allowed to make small talk, but you must only swivel from the hips, feet remaining planted towards the sliding doors. I love to stand with my back against the side wall, and face my elevator companion. Sometimes, I even have highly entertaining morning banter with a confidence fellow rider. Another unspoken rule I've found: you must keep the elevator balanced. The doors open and everyone floods in. But as passengers exit, remaining riders will redistribute themselves so as to balance the box. If two are left standing on the right, one will move to the left side. Elemtary physics my dear Watson, elementary.

Escalator.
This is all less concrete to me. Everyone is so concerned with stepping on and stepping off without looking like a fool that they don't seem to follow a bsaic gridwork. I mean, beyond the obvious, stand on the right, walk on the left. But even that is far too often ignored. I've been analyzing observed steps. How many steps ought one to leave between them and the person in front? Does it change if they are a single occupant rider, or have an escalator buddy to their left? I think it is two. One step in between you and them just feels uncomfortable, like you are checking their scalp for lice, peering ominously over their shoulder like a nosy elder sibling.


I have so much still to learn, but these three places of transitional awkwardness bring joy to my life every day. It's a commuter paradise. ;)

Yesterday, one of the guys from business management (they share the floor with us) was in saying his daily hello. He asked me "who's the kid?" I had to explain that my wallpaper on my computer is of... my future kid (?)

Yeah, pretty sure that came out strange.

He seemed ...entertained.

It's true. You're in my prayers and thoughts. You're behind my choices. You're inside my dreams. You're wrapped up in my affections. The distance is only physical, my love. Someday, we will meet.

In the meantime, I'm learning how to trust and to be true. I'm learning how to be me, and a me that's meant for you.

I walked into work today and saw a note taped to the front of my computer screen that read:
listen to the tape. I am so upset!
There was also a tape attached.

Turned out it was about the boxes of chocolate we mail out. Apparently my last order wasn't right. The order itself was, but what went in the boxes included a mystery truffle. (Something I wouldn't have known, unless I, like someone else, had decided to eat a box of our chocolates over the weekend, and torn into the beautifully wrapped Sees box.)

Not so bad of a thing, all things considered. I took down the note and added it to my little collection of love notes from my boss. It is now taped beside yesterday's- which includes profanity so I won't type it out here.

This has already been a long week. Yesterday I scanned through 10,000 names/addresses looking for doubles. I have a few thousand more to do today before passing off the mailing list to the printers.

It's weeks like this I am most grateful to have my sister here, working for the same man as me, so we can both just laugh (borderline insanity-type laughs) and press through together. I brought her breakfast. She made me coffee. And on we go!

One resolution

is all that I need this year:

Fall Deeper In Love.

— tylerknott

my sister just texted me.

if she spoke loudly, i would be able to hear her.

we work that close.

naturally, i emailed her back.






FYI, we've reached the point in the day where I listen to New Slang on repeat, heat up my coffee over and over (and forget to drink it), and...

perfect.

Monday

Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

...........................then...

this will be quite a week. :)

I had one of the greatest Saturdays yesterday. I literally teared up talking to my sister when I tried to explain my feelings. I just deeply believe that this is going to be a good year. Things that have been 'hard' for years, even little things, suddenly are happening. (no, I'm not courting.)

Here is what sparked my tears:

Saturday morning, I turned off my alarm and let myself just wake up when I was ready. I was planning to go into work for most of the day, but knew I wouldn't sleep too late anyways (I wake up around 8 most days on my own I found over the holiday). I slept in. Then, had coffee and just took my time. I decided to visit the camera place I'd been referred to - afterall, it was on the way to work (kind of) and Saturdays between 10-2 are the only time I can get there (the reason I haven't the past year). For the many readers who don't know the story, he's the backround:

When I was little, my uncle started taking me out for 'photoshoots' -not with me as the model, but as the photographer. He's a great photographer and started teaching me in 5th grade how to use his cameras. I loved it. Really loved it. (surprise right? me loving something? ;) By my Junior year of high school, I was drooling over the idea of a nice camera for my upcoming trip to Italy. My parents bought me one. A month or two later, my car was broken into while I was at a basketball game, and my camera stolen from under my seat. Come Easter, I was blown away when my mom and dad's amazing dusk scavenger hunt left me with a yellow sticky note that read "Your greens turned to brown cus we bearly love you." Kim and Kris had each found $100 bills with thier names on them. I laughed, but sort of a confused laugh. Thanks mom and dad? (It was dad's perfect hand writing). My dad told me to think about it, and my whole family stared at me with curious smiles that made me realize there was more to this. After a hunt, I stood in my bedroom, holding a box for a Minolta S5. I cried (like I almost am again now). I still remember Kim saying "Oh, I didn't expect her to cry!" and Kris responding "I did." Kim teared up, Kris laughed, and my mom and dad had huge smiles and hugs. I had a brand-new camera, weeks before leaving for Italy... the trip I'd had a new camera for, and then stolen.. and then a better one bought again. My whole family had pitched in for it. I was overcome.

Two years later, it wouldn't turn on. I was in MCs and we were on the UW campus- and it just wouldn't work. I finally remembered the last time I'd used it had been when it was snowing and we'd run outside for a few pictures. It shouldn't have damaged it, but as far as anyone can figure, it did. Moisture must have got in the brain of the camera and fried it.

I haven't had my camera for the past 5 years.

This past summer I went to buy a new body for my lens and the owner of Kenmore Camera told me to first try bringing it to this man in Shoreline. Yesterday, I did. And while he wasn't able to fix it (except for around $200 he thought), he traded me for one that looked in just as great of shape as mine.. for $70.. then let me keep mine anyways for sentimental reasons. He also gave me this beautiful old case I'd been eyeing, for $10. In less than an hour, I had my camera back, working, with batteries even in it. I walked into work with the biggest smile. Suddenly, this thing I've been wanting, but not finding to be a priority for the past 5 years, happened within minutes.. a little thing, but one that I love.

After two hours of work, Kristin and I decided to skip out and go enjoy the sunshine. For her birthday, our boss bougth Kristin a longboard. She's been doing it for a couple years now. I have not. But I have wanted to. When she was picking out hers, I spotted a beautiful one of my own. Last Wednesday, my boss bought it for me.. for my birthday.

I had intended to keep it a complete secret, because I didn't want to be part of the fad. Or thought to be copying anyone. We walked into Starbucks yesterday, boards in hand, and were greeted by Conner Hallstrom. Then, Kim Rankin. lol. Honestly, it was just my pride anyways that wanted to keep it a secret. The word integrity has been haunting me the past week... being who I am, all the time, the same inside and out. I believe this will be a year of integrity for me. So there you have it- I have pride. This year, while I still intend to not become more concerned with showing people who I am and what I do.... I will also stop trying so hard to hide things, out of fear that I'll be seen as common or part of the passing fads. (I HATE fads and trends and hype.) I hate when what I love for some significant reason, becomes popular and trendy. Some of that is I hate to see precious things devalued. But much of it is still pride- and that desire to be special or prove myself significant... and I'm okay with that getting uprooted this year.

SO there you have it. I am just like all the other silly young girls- I love cameras, old leather bags, and longboarding. I'm not original. But I can tell you a story behind every thing I love - and I'll still be loving it once the crave has passed to some new pastime.

PS, longboarding along Burke Gilman trail with my sis at dusk, coffee in hand... what an amazing moment. And what a magnificent start to the year...

Here's to being who we are this year- on the inside and out-- unassuming, unstriving, unhiding...

I must confess, I love nick names. Is it just me? Perhaps it is because I was raised on them... or because I was also raised being called by one of the most common female names of the past century.

I not only find it entirely endearing when a friend finds a meaningful (be it funny or sweet) nickname for me, but I delight in finding nicknames for my dear friends.

I'm having one of the most productive work days. In fact, this whole week has been that way. I'm grateful. I feel I am finally getting things down. That said, I still have so much to do. LBL is keeping us all busy around here. It feels great to have already accomplished a great deal before it is even lunch!

Big projects that have been sitting around on my desk are slowly disappearing this week. :)

Today I got sent an email from "senior_romance." The subject read:

"find passionate singles in your area."

Awesome. I'm now eligble for a seniors single online dating site.

I've only been 24 for one day.

24. The point of past my plans.

By 23, I wanted to be married. It was just the number I'd long had in my mind. I'd also come to think I'd be in grad school. I am neither. And I am 24. This is not terrible news. What it is, is the year I haven't planned for. I have been considering erasing my new years 'goals' altogether. While I think I have decided against that, what I have determined is to be very careful not to set a bunch of goals for this coming year. And to hold what plans I do make, loosely. This is the year of the unknown. Of His plans. Of adventure. It is exciting to be taking those first couple steps into the year I know the least ever of what to expect in. (sorry to end with a preposition.) Up until now, I knew at least that I'd be in high school/ Masters Commission/ college. Now...?

I'm just excited to see what He brings- and I'm putting none of my own expectations into the mix- beyond Him doing something great. I'm starting the year by reading Lord of the Rings, and now last night saw The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, and I just keep sensing that adventure is going to be more than a catch phrase in 2011.

Adventures require everything, so I don't want to boggle myself down with scattered goals and lists (as much as I love both!!). As much as it pains me to hear everyone toss epic around as a synonym for memorable, I almost think this year will be epic.

And I say that considering all of it's guidelines.

My dentist sent me a Happy Birthday email. How thoughtful.

I love my dentist.
(that was for you T ;)

I keep good company.*

*been reflecting the past couple days on how lucky I am to get to live life with such incredible people. I really love you all. You bless me deeply, over and over again.

I'm not getting a tattoo. But if I were to, it would probably look something like this...

Only, on my side most likely. But, I am not getting a tattoo.

I love this ^ picture... and dog. Here's another of him. He's a cutie.



So here's what I am thinking. If I'm still single at 25, I may buy a dog. Not a cat. I won't ever buy a cat until I'm wed!! I will not be the cat lady. But, I would enjoy a big sweet dog to take running with me. :)

I'm loving THIS album.

I bought the new Sean Feucht album last night for a little boost to put on Aunt Sue and Uncle Dean's ipod for their time in Africa (they leave today!). I actually listened to it myself this morning, and decided I really like it.

Good thing. It's a little uncomfortable to load up someone else's ipod, knowing that whatever you select will be all they have to listen to for the next couple months. Guess we'll find out in March.

I am so excited to see Aunt Sue and Uncle Dean living out one of the desires that has been in their heart from the start of their marriage (what, 40-some years ago?). Lord, let this be a year for us all of seeing old dreams rise. I was thinking this morning (sparked by one of Sean's songs) about the line in The Great Divorce that says roughly, 'All thigns must die before they can live again in heaven. Even the greatest love must first die before it can be raised. Likewise, the most earthly and weak love can be risen again into something beautiful if it will first die.' Okay, that is very paraphrased, but the truth of the story remains deep in my heart: all things must first die, so that He can raise them up and have them live in Him. The goal is not death - the goal is to live in Him, for every part of creation. Many, if not all of us, have seen a lot of death in this past year. I think this year we'll see life in Him. We'll see resurrection of dreams, not just in that the desires will suddenly spring back to life in our hearts, but we'll suddenly view in front of us, our dreams.



Here is a trustworthy saying: If we died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him. If we disown him, he will also disown us; if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.
2 Timothy 2:11-13


If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Romans 6:5-11

How do dumbbells end up on the side of the freeway?

Did they just fly out of the back of someone's car? Not likely. Perhaps they were strapped to a roof of a car? I wonder if Robert is missing a dumbbell?

Things that make you go Hmm... while sitting (still) in morning Seattle traffic.

This year, I will be putting pen to paper more. It's time to do what I've been preparing and planning to do. I can feel it- and I'm hearing it everywhere.

January and February, you may see me less. I have to draw away for a short while and invest in this. I just realized... there is likely a corolation between me being called to write, and my anthem with the Lord always seeming to be "come away with me."

Regardless, I realized yesterday, if I don't lock myself away a bit more to write this coming year, some friends of mine will probably put me under house arrest. How blessed I am to have such friends.

...Naturally, I woke up starving.


Hello week of prayer and fasting.

Hello 2011, it was wonderful to meet last night.

It seems only fitting that I brought in the new year in a manner nothing like I'd planned or expected. But, it also seems fitting that it was wonderful, fun and done with a few great friends... some I've known since the days of learning to ride bikes, some since first crushes and heart aches, some since the discovery of callings and the setting out for destiny, and some since the journey became real and the dawns came with decisions.

2011- a year of adventure. Of challenges, but growth. Of transition out of one thing and into another. The start of more. The start of it all. 2010 taught me many things. One of the greatest, to not judge according to my plans, but to leave room for bigger doors to be opened and greater dreams to be accomplished than I ever thought possible. This year, I learned how to dream. I learned that to carry a dream in your heart, means pain, trust, and perseverance. To carry a dream also requires that we not suffocate it by our own understanding of it.. but to allow it to grow into what it was meant to be. Dreams are not from our land, but another place entirely. Therefore it should not surprise us that we very rarely know how to accurately identify them, and that very few indeed know how to care for them. We often think there are one seed, and yet they bloom into a very different design entirely. To carry a dream is to carry something that has never been seen in it's mature bloom. Each one entirely new, entirely surprising. And the best way to care for it, is to recognize that it will need to be fed and watered by many (and not those you might think), and allow it to grow into what it is inside the seed... not boxing it in to some small dark box of what you thought you bought when you made it's first purchase.

Yes, I've learned to dream. I've learned to carry this dream. I've learned to let this dream carry me. And I've learned that I know very little. And the little I know, I hope to learn how to do this year, 2011. I think 2010 was the preparation for the journey, learning to follow... we will see where I am led in 2011. But I think it of little coincidence that Pastor Norm called 2011 a year of adventure. (I also think it perhaps meaningful that I am starting this year by reading of one of the greatest mythical, literary adventures, The Lord of the Rings.) First He stirred the desire for adventure in our hearts. Then, He taught us that the adventure is never in what we think we are setting out for. Now, He's teaching through literature and stories how one goes about on an adventure. Or so, that is what my little heart believes it is seeing in these days. I must believe that a story can be used to prepare us for our greatest adventures in life - or else, I cannot spend myself to write such tales.

Oh 2011, you are so mysterious and handsome. ;) I do believe we are going to have a remarkable time together, you changing me forever, and I dare to say: me, you.