This weekend, I remembered who I am.  It was all quite odd.  And who'd have that it would happen not while away, but while home in unknown places in my own city?  I certainly had not. 

I sat last night in silence, on my knees in a place I'd never been.  And I wanted to grow into that silence. 

How strange the power of silence to make us feel small in its confounds and long to be as big and wise and strong.  As all-encompassing.  To make us wants to spread out our arms and reach wide, and reach further.  To somehow fill that space we know we never could.  For what word could fit in silence?  And what hand touch it? 

How silence made me long to mature as it has in all its ancient years.

Reading this right now (literally, I'm on point 4): 

11 Things to Know at 25(ish)  

I'll be 25 in less than a month, my life feels like a big cloud, and I've teared up three times this week... not cried, just "teared up."  I'd be grateful for a good, deep full cry.  All that said, of course this grabbed my attention.  (Please understand, I'm not in crisis.  I'm not even ungrateful.  I know I'm blessed.  I'm not begging for a dozen encouraging comments in response to this. lol.) 

So grateful to the person who posted it on Facebook. 

I feel I'm learning (well, suppose to be learning) kindness at work.
Learning patience in waiting for all my dreams.
Learning joy through daily pains.
Learning trust through uncertainties.
Learning courage through trials.
Learning peace through questions.

I'm learning that everything is a choice, a choice of how we are going to respond.  Are we going to panic?  Or are we going to take a breath when our heart is racing, perhaps take a moment, and choose the better?

Yesterday I was reminding myself:

Joy is a choice, a choice to draw from a source that is
deeper than your sorrows.

I repeated it to my own heart over and over, hoping it would really sink in.  There are many things you cannot change in life.  And you can't change others.  But you always have a choice.  You can always choose who you will be.  You can always choose what type of person you are going to be in this very moment, in this very scene.  You do get to write your own character, even if you don't get to write your whole part or plot.  

I don't remember who posted the link this morning on facebook, or to whom they were sending it, but I opened it somewhere around 9am, and then shrunk it until now (4:30pm). I've heard some of my friends mention this blog several times, and the book that was sparked from it, but I don't recall if I've ever checked it out. Today I read the article posted regarding opening doors. It's a fun site. I tend to balance between the truth that a man should be a man, and the less he contrives at it, and more authentic and sincere he is in his behaviors, the more confident, manly, and therefore attractive he is. He puts those around him at ease. The other truth I recognize is that manners are taught and learned, some later than others. And a guy often has to be told what a woman finds sweet, endearing, honoring, or... annoying. I know I tend to follow a lot of more old fashioned trends, as do many, but I love feeling doted, and cared for... it doesn't make me think the guy is interested in me, it just lets me know he cares. I've been lucky to grow up with some great guy friends who (almost) always get the door, and who aren't afraid to tell you that you look pretty when you've taken the time to curl your hair. And trust me, that can be very important when you're the girl who's not afraid to watch a basketball game with them with no make-up, or eat ice cream and watch a movie in your sweats (don't judge - it's what happens when you grow up in a neighborhood together - and truthfully, I'd never want to not be that girl too).

The article discussed opening car doors - and how awkward it can be - so I thought I'd state my own opinion- I don't find it awkward at all. And I don't mind waiting in the car for it. Manners do matter, not so much because it tells people I am important and well-behaved, as that it tells people You are important and worth my best. So, be confident, don't put on airs, but open the door, if she's worth it, she'll appreciate it... and just because you open her door, doesn't mean she thinks you've called her dad. ;)

Stop priding yourself in your ability to roll with the punches, and learn how to throw one.

How to be honest?

This has been one of those very difficult weeks. One where it seems everything is going wrong and requires your attention, but there is something else pressing for the entirety of your thoughts and time, in this case: midterms.

And it's not the sort of messes you can actually clean up anyways, it's the sort you have to wade through and wait out.

These weeks are hard and I sometimes find myself wishing life would just be easy. But then again, I don't. I know many of you are reading this and thinking 'silly girl, your life is easy.' And it's true, I have such a wonderful life and so many blessings, and I am so wonderfully taken care of (I've reminded myself of this, this week). But then it comes down to the fact that my troubles are real, and my worries are real, and my pains are real. Like David, I feel hopeless.

And like David, I've chosen to say 'yet I will praise YOU' because I know He really is supplying my every need, and furthermore He really is growing me up and drawing me near to Him. I'd rather be a compassionate, tender woman who loves the Lord and is careful with the people in her life then one who has faced little hardship or pain and knows not how to 'handle with care.'

I've tasted the smallest measure of distinct pains, and I thank the Lord that He has but dropped my little toe in them, but I think He's strategically allowed these certain things so that I have just enough to say "I don't know what you are going through, but I know what you are going through." I know just enough to know, I don't know.

This is really me encouraging myself to persevere. This is me reminding myself that the Lord is right now working a good thing in me, and it is HIS patience with me that is my hope for ever being anything remarkable. It's His patience to walk me through these mucks and messes, and to not let me sit down in them. :)