I should be getting to bed very soon...tonight it just one of those nights when you are full of such "good feelings" that you don't quite want to fall asleep, you'd rather just stay awake and 'feel good.' You know? lol. Maybe I am just even more sentimental and strange than you all thought.

My dad said to me not to long ago, "Still waters run deep. You aren't very still, but you certainly run deep." I think thats probably pretty true if you are considering that my mind is ALWAYS going- sometimes I wish it would just stop...but it moves along very quickly- and usually my train of thoughts makes little sense to others. Kim and Jason can testify- a couple times we were in the car and I would make some comment out of no where it seemed and Jason made the mistake of asking where it came from- and so, I rehearsed my thoughts out loud for them and they both ended up laughing and somewhat astonished.

You might already have realized that by reading my "stream of consciousness" style of blogging. I used to really not like that I thought so differently...like in MCs when I would say something and I wouldn't have a bunch of "Amens" "Yeah, exactly!" type responses...it would just be quiet sometimes. It bothered me, until a couple of my classmates encouraged me that it was a good thing that I'd bring things in a way they hadn't thought about- and Anna (who was my intern) would build me up, speaking to me about how God spoke to me differently, as a good thing. I don't know if that came out right or not. My point is just, I have been through a process of being very frustrated that people don't immediately agree with everything I say- to realizing I'd rather say something that not everyone agrees with immediately, because perhaps that is actually what is worth saying rather than saying things exactly how others see things already. We need each other, and the unique ways God reveals things to us, I'm no servant to those I love if I tell them things as they see them themself. Though I still get frustrated at times (probably due to my failure to communicate clearly more than anything!), I love that God speaks to us through one another...and I'm okay if I don't get to speak the lines that get the big amens...perhaps I'll get a few thoughtful expressions and thats great too. Hmm, that's just a bit of a process I've been in the past couple years. I'm really happy with whatever He wants to speak through me, as long as He is still speaking through me...I guess I might want to be a bit more selective than that because I really would rather not be speaking the types of things some of His prophets did! yikes!


So, the good feelings. I just think God is wonderful for making us relational beings, for wanting "vast sons and daughters" and therefore giving us brothers and sisters. Friends are such treasures. I love new friends, but it's the old ones that always puzzle me a bit- the fact that they stick around even after they discover how quarky and obnoxious you really are ;)

Ty and I were playing cards tonight, waiting for Rob to get home and he put it as "coming full circle." We have built in so many other relationships these past couple years- and hung out hardly at all as "the neighborhood," but tonight we were listening to Michael Buble and were so excited to soon have Elise back- once again, with old friends.

Today at CCK201, I think all three pastors who shared mentioned how great it was to have old friends...or those who you have stuck together with for long enough to really build trust. There was so much talk today about relationships, it was great. It actually had me a bit sad though, thats okay though. I was somewhat sad, because I've been realizing some friendships which have and are changing- people who I WANT so badly to be close with, but Gods just not really in it. I think its definitely part of growing up and learning to follow Him as He leads- which means change - which means not getting to pick your own friends, even based on who you would naturally like and get along with...and sometimes quite the opposite. ;)

Then again, there are always those who have stayed there at your side- sometimes silently and from a bit more of a distance, but you find they never leave. I know these friendships in particular aren't easy- they are the ones who will fight with me, who will say no to me and tell me I'm wrong, or sometimes that they just don't like my answer. They are the ones who've I've shared awkward silent car rides with- and also comfortable silence with. They are treasures- they are iron. They can't be fooled.

There are those too who I am so surprised by God- that He thought to place things in our hearts that would link at first meeting. There are several girls who I feel connected too without any of my own doing- its sovereign. I've got my writing pal ;) who I've known for some time, but so often I read her letters and I am stunned by how close her heart can be to mine and her pure vulnerability. I have my bus buddy, who I just couldn't stop staring at on the bus and when we ended up talking, found out we share passions, opinions, ideas, and convictions, not to mention a major. Then, my North Dakota friend- who I have amazingly got reconnected to after many years- and immediately felt my heart knit to! There's "old friends" who have become "new friends" thanks to second chances- I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on Lizzie for anything! :) Any there are so many more - I know I don't always feel this way- more often than not I feel "socially retarded" and lonely, but I am doing my best to secure my friendships and when I am alone- to enjoy those times too because I know it's God calling me out.

Life is exciting! Ashley shared something Lou Engle said a couple weeks ago. He said, "God doesn't create you and give you a dream. He creates a dream and surrounds your body around it." I loved that tonight when I read it- and obviously she did too (that's why she shared it with me!) I am surprised sometimes by how deeply I am shook by something I see or hear- I'll weep and not fully grasp why. I'll grieve about things I did not know before, broke my heart. There are passions deep inside of me, that I can sense I am only beginning to realize...there are dreams that my whole being seems to be anticipating the release of, though I have no idea now what they will amount to. Sometimes words escape my pen, that I didn't know were in me...and sometimes tears from my eyes.

I love that life is never only what we expect it to be, nor are people, or relationships, or ourselves....as long as we learn to let them be more.

I think often, and pray often (though not nearly enough), how we allow people to change and grow- moreover, how we encourage them to. I HATE feeling stuck by people in the same person as they've known me to be...and I don't want to do it to others. I want to be someone who reminds people of who they are, who prophetically pulls out of people who they are...reminding them of their heritage, encouraging them in their present, and holding them to their future.

Alright, I am becoming far too pensive...I need to get to bed.

Last few thoughts to share: I love the people God has given me, and given me to...all of them, my family, friends, church family... I love God's words. I love Him, and His care-full ways! He's really good to me!

Goodnight.