I've realized lately that some see me as emotionally-lead.  In fact, it isn't really all that recent of a realization.  It's been the past year or two.  And I've been (really) frusterated with it, but when I've tried to explain, I couldn't clearly.  I think I just finally came to a concise understanding in my own head.  Truth is, I am an incredibly emotional person.  You all know that.  I'm passionate.  And moreover, I've dramatic.  Intentionally.  I'm a writer.  A story teller, and story tellers have to give colors, create mood, share emotion.  It's taken a lot of practice.  But just because I'm dramatic, doesn't mean I'm a mess inside, raging one way and then the next.  I'm quite the opposite.  And I really get distraught that people somehow don't get that.  Because I liken being emotionally-driven to being immature.  And being emotionally-lead to being shallow.  There should always be more than emotion.  They should be the result, not the source.

The truth is this.  I mull over things for a long time, in my head and my heart together.  So when you suddenly see what's been held in for so long, you see it in a moment and with a lot of emotion and feeling and you assume it's the effect of the emotion.  But really, the emotion is the result of the other:  the conviction, the thought, the deep-wrought feeling that's been worked through in my head and my heart.  There's a period where I don't really get what's swirling around inside me, but I'm aware of it.  Then there's the period where I start to grapple and get it.  Then there's the point I share it, or I hold it in too long sometimes and it sort of explodes or floods out on people. 

And this, this writing it out?  That's an important part of the process too, it's the point where I sort of organize it all and get better clarity of what exactly has been going on inside.   I'm passionate.  I always have been.  I was probably one of the most passionate little toddlers you'd have ever met - usually for the worse.  And I'm strong-willed.  So it gets worse.  But just take a moment and consider that whatever you're getting, isn't just a moment's whim or the backlash of a feeling.  It's the result of a lot deeper conviction...and no doubt, you're right, there's emotion. 

How useless of a writer would I be if I lacked the ability to connect conviction and deeper thoughts with emotion? 

And something else I should admit?  A lot of times when you read my blog... and you feel sad, or a bit depressed for me?  Sometimes that's intentional too.  I'm always being honest here.  But, I'm also being intentional and practicing writing and for me that sometimes means "How do I make them feel this?"  Can I make them sad?  Can I make them hopeful?  Can I create anticipation? And I might use words and images that would connect a person's emotions to an old breakup without telling them I'm doing that, to make them feel the disappointment and melancholy of something they don't really care that much about, such as my not getting into Cambridge.