I've spent much of my life terrified of the end times.  Scared to find out I'm not really saved.  Scared to face the tribulation I've always believed we'd all face together.  And mostly scared to discover I am really more afraid of the tribulation than I am in love with Christ.

As of late, that fear has been growing.  But so has a strange numbness.

Which scares me.  (You get the point here.)  I've felt the need to figure it out, or at least give it some attention.

I stumbled upon a series today from Bethany that discusses the tribulation and the rapture and I've been searching trying to find more. I've read Revelations through, several times.  And talked it through with my dad.  But still, I find I don't really know. And I get that that is half the point.  But truly, I feel my generation and the one behind it, have less of an idea about how all this is supposed to end than any previous Christian generation.

And as I'm listening another conviction is growing - we seriously have no fear of God right now.  Like, none.  I get that most of us are coming out of controlling church situations where leadership overstepped their boundaries and dictated preference as doctrine, but this is bigger than our pastor's mistakes.  And we can only use that excuse for so long.  I think we're past that time.  I think it's time we all get a new glimpse of the God we're dealing with - if he says that all creation proclaims the gospel - I don't think He's going to let us off the hook for being 'burned' by a pastor because he told us flirting was bad. I'm not excusing a single thing that's happened to people who've been hurt and mislead and are ultimately confused from a lifetime of manipulation twisted into truths.  I'm just saying - it's not really an excuse. If we keep using it as an excuse, we are insisting on continuing to live within the system we say we hate - a system where our pastors were the only ones who could see or hear God - a system where our pastor's decisions had to dictate our behavior.  It's like we're sitting in a cell starving and blaming the wardens who aren't even there! You're free, exercise your freedom by taking a moment to figure out for yourself what you actually believe.  But don't just stop at cigarettes and kissing, you just found out you're responsible for your own faith. You might want to handle a few of the real important questions too - like if you should expect to live through hell on earth for seven years.

Rant over.  Sure I'll regret this, maybe, but geez, I think there is bigger things at stake.

Ready to form your own opinion on something literally worth a damn?  

Goodness gracious there is a lot going on, in my head.  Amazing how weird fears can capture us, isn't it?  I'm finding a trend in my dreams even - some terrible thing will happen to me that I'll feel I'm somehow complacent with and have to tell John, and I'm terrified.  It's odd.  And I've had several.  At this point, I feel all my dirt is already on the table so I'm not dreaming about some real life loot either.  In the days, I'm somehow terrified of "moving forward" and equally afraid of the thought of walking away.  I definitely don't want that!  I  got to have lunch and dinner with Beau yesterday, and I  missed him all the hours in between.  So why the worries?  Why the fears?  Why the absolutely no-making-sense to myself even!?  I don't want to publicize the deep details of our relationship here - but I've always been vulnerable about where I'm really at... there seems so little purpose in writing if I'm busy drawing up walls.  Being in a relationship, so many new things are surfacing in me, good and bad.  But with another person involved and a relationship so dear, I  can't quite write it all so freely here.  But I don't want to go silent either.  Everyone seems to go silent.  And then you end up like me, starting a relationship and realizing you've been told for the past 10 years how to be a great wife, and for the past 20,  how to be a great single, but you have no idea how to be great in the in-between.

So here is the truth I want to point out - how nonsensical we can be in our fears, how dangerously they could stop us from great gifts in our lives.  And how much they seem to grow when we we begin to care.  I can't trust my feelings.  Half the time they aren't even what I want them to be, they're over here or way over there or taking a mid-day nap.  I'm grateful that somewhere along the last 8 years, I've learned to consult them, but not to follow them because I'm not sure I'd be sitting where I am otherwise.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be.  I'm grateful for journals, because multiple times in this relationship, it has been something I wrote months or years before that has spoken directly to me and given me the peace that I am exactly where I ought to be.  I'm grateful for the Word of God, because times alone with my Bible have watered and held me and given me hope... we have so many promises to hold on to!  I'm grateful for my family, because they are honest and loving and allow room for mistakes - because they are still on my side, and because they love my Beau.  I'm grateful for my friends, because they are still there and they are excited for me, and are some of the wisest counselors.  Some of them have seen me through a lot of life - they know my past, they know my dreams, and I trust their sight. And I'm grateful for my Beau, because often times when I say the hardest things, he somehow grows closer. He is honest and kind.  He doesn't act off of his feelings.  He is willing to suffer, perhaps indefinitely. And I don't know that that can be said of many... at all. He seeks truth and he does it while honoring, everyone. He demonstrates a love to others that reminds me of what I've read.  And he's already argued against every one of these things in his own head as he's read through them just now...

I'm grateful. It's the closing of November and while I've missed out on all the "thankful" posts, I've been storing up in my heart all that I have to be thankful for. I ran to the store early last Sunday morning and as I drove the few Ballard blocks home I took a moment to realize: this is my life.  And I am so happy about it!  I was happy to be in my car, driving to my apartment, to enjoy a phone date with my friend who is off living her dreams, and make breakfast for another of my friends, clean my kitchen, and run off to pick up my beau.  I hope all those "mys" don't sound too selfish - they might - but I know that every one of those things have been given to me and I deserve not one of them.  But they are my gifts.  Someone thought to craft and deliver each of them into my life, and almost every one of them came or remarkably grew in the past 7 months!  I'm grateful.  So incredibly grateful.

Alright folks - I still don't know who that coffee cup was from.  Please tell me - I know whoever you are, you read my blog, because you knew to have that inscribed on it.  I love it and constantly wonder who it was from... you are so thoughtful, and wonderfully mysterious, but please now tell me so I can give you a HUGE hug (hopefully - assuming you're in this state) and tell you personally how much your gift means.


Tonight, the words are hitting me all new again - thank you for keeping them constantly before me - God, let my love for you cast out my every fear!! Give me a love that tastes of courage.

I'm beginning to believe the most important relationships in your life, are the ones that prove you wrong.

The friends who break all your expectations, and exceed your dreams. There are a couple in my life at the moment who keep responding in love, and grace, and understanding... when I expect the opposite. When I expect impatience, they respond with an abundance of patience. When I expect lies, they answer in sincerity. When I hope for answers, they keep their mystery. When I expect them to pull away, they wait right where they stood before.

This is starting to wear away at what I believe was a misconception about my future, and ultimately the love and goodness of God. I've worried about "fixing" my problems- making sure I'm confident, rooted perfectly in the love of the Lord, never manipulating, never interacting with others out of fear, always gentle, always sincere. I've worried about whether I will be able to be totally open and vulnerable someday. I've believed that to the degree I have these down before I get married, is the degree to which my marriage will be healthy and secure and blessed. To be blunt, I've worried that if I don't deal with certain fears, they will plague my relationship because they will doom my husband to do exactly what I fear.

I know this is the truth of bitter-root expectancy. But, this week I've realized something bigger- it is God who breaks our expectancy, and the man He has for me will be strong and able. The Lord CAN use that man to break my expectancy as well- I just need to keep my heart soft to be proven wrong.

I don't need to change my heart. I need to soften my heart- HE will change my heart. That is what I keep hearing from God- "I am willing and able. Only wait. It's already begun."

If the people in my life right now can stay, when I expect them to run... how much more my husband? I remember Aime telling me during her courtship process how blown away she was by how Robert truly was Christ to her. When she expected him to be hurt, or disgusted, or retaliate, he didn't. He got on his knees before her, and he looked at her with love.

Furthermore, trying to change my own expectations and my own heart right now, with the people in my life at this very moment, could in fact welcome pain the Lord never wanted me to have. It could reinforce the same expectations. I can't try to do it on my own, in my own time. He is the orchestrator... and He will bring those who are faithful enough to be trusted with restoring those yet broken places of my heart.

I'm softening my heart. I don't have to change it... I'm aware of my expectations. I'm aware they could cause trouble... but I am also aware that they are not the ultimate reality. And suddenly, I am aware that there is a man who God created with the joy, love, peace, patience, faithfulness, passion, strength and grace that make him willing and desiring to fight for me... even when it looks like he is fighting against me, fighting against my fears and hurts and expectations. He will be what my heart desires, and he won't be the things that have wounded me before... and that is why he will disprove me.

A soft heart. A trusting heart. A courageous heart, that gives, even when it sees the danger of pain. A surrendered heart... that is what He is working in me now. When it all comes down to it, that's all I've ever ultimately desired to be: Courageous in heart.