Goodness gracious there is a lot going on, in my head.  Amazing how weird fears can capture us, isn't it?  I'm finding a trend in my dreams even - some terrible thing will happen to me that I'll feel I'm somehow complacent with and have to tell John, and I'm terrified.  It's odd.  And I've had several.  At this point, I feel all my dirt is already on the table so I'm not dreaming about some real life loot either.  In the days, I'm somehow terrified of "moving forward" and equally afraid of the thought of walking away.  I definitely don't want that!  I  got to have lunch and dinner with Beau yesterday, and I  missed him all the hours in between.  So why the worries?  Why the fears?  Why the absolutely no-making-sense to myself even!?  I don't want to publicize the deep details of our relationship here - but I've always been vulnerable about where I'm really at... there seems so little purpose in writing if I'm busy drawing up walls.  Being in a relationship, so many new things are surfacing in me, good and bad.  But with another person involved and a relationship so dear, I  can't quite write it all so freely here.  But I don't want to go silent either.  Everyone seems to go silent.  And then you end up like me, starting a relationship and realizing you've been told for the past 10 years how to be a great wife, and for the past 20,  how to be a great single, but you have no idea how to be great in the in-between.

So here is the truth I want to point out - how nonsensical we can be in our fears, how dangerously they could stop us from great gifts in our lives.  And how much they seem to grow when we we begin to care.  I can't trust my feelings.  Half the time they aren't even what I want them to be, they're over here or way over there or taking a mid-day nap.  I'm grateful that somewhere along the last 8 years, I've learned to consult them, but not to follow them because I'm not sure I'd be sitting where I am otherwise.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be.  I'm grateful for journals, because multiple times in this relationship, it has been something I wrote months or years before that has spoken directly to me and given me the peace that I am exactly where I ought to be.  I'm grateful for the Word of God, because times alone with my Bible have watered and held me and given me hope... we have so many promises to hold on to!  I'm grateful for my family, because they are honest and loving and allow room for mistakes - because they are still on my side, and because they love my Beau.  I'm grateful for my friends, because they are still there and they are excited for me, and are some of the wisest counselors.  Some of them have seen me through a lot of life - they know my past, they know my dreams, and I trust their sight. And I'm grateful for my Beau, because often times when I say the hardest things, he somehow grows closer. He is honest and kind.  He doesn't act off of his feelings.  He is willing to suffer, perhaps indefinitely. And I don't know that that can be said of many... at all. He seeks truth and he does it while honoring, everyone. He demonstrates a love to others that reminds me of what I've read.  And he's already argued against every one of these things in his own head as he's read through them just now...

I'm grateful. It's the closing of November and while I've missed out on all the "thankful" posts, I've been storing up in my heart all that I have to be thankful for. I ran to the store early last Sunday morning and as I drove the few Ballard blocks home I took a moment to realize: this is my life.  And I am so happy about it!  I was happy to be in my car, driving to my apartment, to enjoy a phone date with my friend who is off living her dreams, and make breakfast for another of my friends, clean my kitchen, and run off to pick up my beau.  I hope all those "mys" don't sound too selfish - they might - but I know that every one of those things have been given to me and I deserve not one of them.  But they are my gifts.  Someone thought to craft and deliver each of them into my life, and almost every one of them came or remarkably grew in the past 7 months!  I'm grateful.  So incredibly grateful.

I loved last night.  After an incredibly long day, I arrived back to my apartment with the beau and a bag of groceries for making lasagna.  But it was late already.  In a vote of three, we decided to postpone the lasagna (yet again) and instead relish Meg's homemade chicken noodle soup for night two.  After we'd all set down our laptops and ipads, we dealt out Phase 10 cards and taught Meg how to play.  There something about learning a new game together, eating homemade soup and playing cards around a kitchen table.  It was perfectly underrated.  I hope it's a preview of Autumn.  I think it shall be.  I love sharing a  home with Megs.  I love that it's frequented by Beau.  I love these little moments we all get to share together.

Room For Rent
If any of you ladies are considering moving closer to the city - a friend of mine has a couple rooms opening up in her house September 1st.  Her home is adorable and located on Beacon Hill - in a cute and far more safe neighborhood than you might be picturing right now.  A block away from the light rail and bus stops, it takes her about 10 minutes to commute to work downtown (4th & University) each day.  I believe there are typically four girls in the house.  If you are interested and want more details, let me know.  Just thought I'd throw that out there. :)

I realized this morning:  I've accomplished another of my 25 goals for 25.  And a big one at that. 

Didn't get the apartment.  Again. 

This heart can't take this.  :(

Keep an eye out for me - 2 bedroom anywhere around

Queen Anne, Fremont or Wallingford.

Preferably a house/ duplex.

Ideally, with a yard.

Dreamily, with a fire place, wood floors and big windows.

thx much.

.

I got a nice email.

But, I didn't get the apartment.  :(

Okay.  Here it is.  The weekend before last, I found my dream apartment.  For a fantastic price.  Exposed brick wall, hardwood floors, cool big arched window, bathroom, loft above living room, WITH a bedroom, parking spaces, kitchen, and even w/d in unit.  It was in Fremont, and $1000/month.  Are you thinking what I should have been?  Yep.  Scam.  It was.  Unfortunately, I was totally taken in.  There photos and it all looked so legit.  They didn't even give me all of those incredible details right away, it sort of turned into something unreal over a couple days. And they'd been emailing with me setting up a time to come see the space and all.  It was the grace of God that I happened to google the address and specifics when I heard I didn't get it.  I just wanted to know the name of the complex so I could keep an eye out for future openings. 

And what pulled up - a Fraud Warning from Craigslist.  Awesome.  I spent a few hours on Wednesday cancelling credit cards, placing fraud warnings on my credit reports and getting over the fact that my dream apartment didn't actually exist - at least not for a price I could afford.  All that hit on the day before a huge proposal was due at work too.  It made for one very long week. 

Thursday, while walking across downtown to deliver that proposal, I was nearly  hit by a car in a crosswalk.  I saw it coming out of the corner of my eye and JUMPED forward.  The car came so close I could have easily reached out and touched it as it flew by.  She slammed on her breaks and looked back at me - it clearly crossing her face what was crossing my mind - I was almost just dead.  Really.  I walked two blocks to my sister's lobby and burst into sobs as I tried to tell her what happened.  I don't sob people!  It was just too much to happen on day after another. 

So, a week later and I'm really dreaming about moving out.  But also a bit gun shy.  Feel free to keep an eye and ear out for me -  something fantastic in Fremont or Capitol Hill areas.  A studio or one bedroom.  Wood floors.  Dream apartment would include brick, and great windows.  Send them my way people.  You know, if you want. ;)  

I'm being a complete creeper right now.  I have found the perfect apartment.  In Seattle.  Trouble is, I only know this through some random photos of a "blog" - of people I don't know.  I literally have out a sticky pad and I'm writing down "clues" for what neighborhood it's in.  I know it's within walking distance to downtown, looks like a cute neighborhood, has beautiful exposed brick walls inside, hardwood floors, and is afforadble enough for two students to be living there on a shared income somehow.  I'm hoping that it might be an unknown truth that "If you creep, you will find."  (See what I did there?)

I want to live in this apartment complex... or one just like it.  Though I might have to avoid some neighbors so as to not feel it necessary to admit "OH hey, yeah, I follow your blog.  It's actually how I found this place."  :/