Goodness gracious there is a lot going on, in my head.  Amazing how weird fears can capture us, isn't it?  I'm finding a trend in my dreams even - some terrible thing will happen to me that I'll feel I'm somehow complacent with and have to tell John, and I'm terrified.  It's odd.  And I've had several.  At this point, I feel all my dirt is already on the table so I'm not dreaming about some real life loot either.  In the days, I'm somehow terrified of "moving forward" and equally afraid of the thought of walking away.  I definitely don't want that!  I  got to have lunch and dinner with Beau yesterday, and I  missed him all the hours in between.  So why the worries?  Why the fears?  Why the absolutely no-making-sense to myself even!?  I don't want to publicize the deep details of our relationship here - but I've always been vulnerable about where I'm really at... there seems so little purpose in writing if I'm busy drawing up walls.  Being in a relationship, so many new things are surfacing in me, good and bad.  But with another person involved and a relationship so dear, I  can't quite write it all so freely here.  But I don't want to go silent either.  Everyone seems to go silent.  And then you end up like me, starting a relationship and realizing you've been told for the past 10 years how to be a great wife, and for the past 20,  how to be a great single, but you have no idea how to be great in the in-between.

So here is the truth I want to point out - how nonsensical we can be in our fears, how dangerously they could stop us from great gifts in our lives.  And how much they seem to grow when we we begin to care.  I can't trust my feelings.  Half the time they aren't even what I want them to be, they're over here or way over there or taking a mid-day nap.  I'm grateful that somewhere along the last 8 years, I've learned to consult them, but not to follow them because I'm not sure I'd be sitting where I am otherwise.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be.  I'm grateful for journals, because multiple times in this relationship, it has been something I wrote months or years before that has spoken directly to me and given me the peace that I am exactly where I ought to be.  I'm grateful for the Word of God, because times alone with my Bible have watered and held me and given me hope... we have so many promises to hold on to!  I'm grateful for my family, because they are honest and loving and allow room for mistakes - because they are still on my side, and because they love my Beau.  I'm grateful for my friends, because they are still there and they are excited for me, and are some of the wisest counselors.  Some of them have seen me through a lot of life - they know my past, they know my dreams, and I trust their sight. And I'm grateful for my Beau, because often times when I say the hardest things, he somehow grows closer. He is honest and kind.  He doesn't act off of his feelings.  He is willing to suffer, perhaps indefinitely. And I don't know that that can be said of many... at all. He seeks truth and he does it while honoring, everyone. He demonstrates a love to others that reminds me of what I've read.  And he's already argued against every one of these things in his own head as he's read through them just now...

I'm grateful. It's the closing of November and while I've missed out on all the "thankful" posts, I've been storing up in my heart all that I have to be thankful for. I ran to the store early last Sunday morning and as I drove the few Ballard blocks home I took a moment to realize: this is my life.  And I am so happy about it!  I was happy to be in my car, driving to my apartment, to enjoy a phone date with my friend who is off living her dreams, and make breakfast for another of my friends, clean my kitchen, and run off to pick up my beau.  I hope all those "mys" don't sound too selfish - they might - but I know that every one of those things have been given to me and I deserve not one of them.  But they are my gifts.  Someone thought to craft and deliver each of them into my life, and almost every one of them came or remarkably grew in the past 7 months!  I'm grateful.  So incredibly grateful.

Thanksgiving morning.

Yes, I branched out from tradition a bit.  And I watched the boys play their Turkey Bowl, beside this special lady.  :)  I kind of really hope we get to watch countless more games together, football, soccer, basketball... who knows.  But I think we could make some pretty fantastic soccer moms together.  What else do soccer girls do when they grow past their prime?  They begin plotting how to live vicariously through their children, right?  :)

Happy Thanksgiving :) 

15. A Recipe: Mom's Honey Baked Chicken.  Picking just one recipe I'm grateful for?  That's terrible.  I hate "What's your favorite?" questions.  Truly.  Strong, strong dislike.  But, seeing as these questions aren't about favorites, they're about things I'm grateful for... I chose my mom's chicken.  It has always been a family favorite.  And it was the first recipe of hers I learned to make.  Come to think of it, it is a certain rights of passage in our home.  Katherine made it for her first time this past year.  Learning to bake mom's honey baked chicken is something simple, but special.  And it tastes amazing.  I chose it as the recipe I am grateful for, because it helped open up the culinary world to me.  And, because it's one of those meals that makes me feel at home.

13. Something Old: My dad's camera. My uncle taught Kristin and I when we were young on an old Minolta much like my dad's. My dad brought his with him to Vietnam, and over most of his adult life it has been his faithful friend. About a year ago, he gave it to me. I've tried using it, but can't remember all that my uncle taught me back in the day, I've been far too spoiled in the years since. Still, I've decided that one of my goals for this coming year is to learn how to take beautiful photos with that beautiful creature that currently perches on my desk. I think it deserves to see more of the world than the globe that keeps it company.

14. Something New: My iPhone. (Geez, I sound shallow after these last three, don't I?) But, "Maps" alone has changed my life. In fact, it is my favorite part of my phone, I feel like I can explore anywhere now! Not to mention, I'm constantly snapping photos, using it for my calendar, catching up with friends, storing addresses, good book titles, restaurants I want to someday check out, words I finally swept out of my mind after days of them hanging around. I'm pretty grateful for my little iPhone, she seems to get me and is a very faithful little friend. She even sings to me and remembers all my favorite songs. ;)

12. A Gadget. This little ditty under my fingers. :)  My MacBook is one of my greatest little gadgets.  Obviously, being a writer would be very hard without a tool to share words and capture stories.

I'm doing a terrible job keeping up on the DOTs. I'll do yesterday and today's, and perhaps this weekend try to work back to 1.  ; )

Today, I am Thankful for...

10. A time of day:  Morning.  The 10 minutes of walking from my bus stop to my office.  I love it.  Especially on the mornings when the skies are blue, the leaves are yellow and the air is crisp.  The day is still open, my heart (usually) untroubled, and I have this little spell of time to just ponder and reflect. On that 10 minute walk I remember that I'm young, working downtown in a law office in a beautiful city and life is truly a gift. I don't feel so stiffled by the schedule and to-dos... even though I know they grow closer with each crosswalk.   My two favorite times of day will always be morning and dusk. :)

11. A tradition:  For those of you who've been following my blog for at least a year, you know my family refers to me as "The Tradition Nazi."  So for me, they're all my favorite, old and new.  I love that traditions mean family, love, memories and lasting.  Traditions mean you have a history together and history means you have a story.  And you know how I love a good story.  But to answer the question, I'll say I'm especially grateful for all the traditions of Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with my family.  And I'm especially grateful for them this year, since we'll have everyone together again!  Here's to late-night stockings and movies and puzzles, me waking up the entire family and getting them ALL out of bed, to cuddling with my sisters, to new pajamas, to cinnamon rolls and presents and hugs and thank you's and one of the most beautiful trees, to dinner way too late despite mom's best efforts, and lots of ridiculous laughter (mostly at my cost). :P 

Last weekend Kaylee and I wandered through the streets of antique shops.  Some cool, some cluttered.  And when I returned home, I had a brand new conviction to clean.  And by clean, I mean "clean out."  I am not blind.  I know I am in danger of becoming one of those cluttered shops.  I'm a young girl, dreaming of the home she'd love to have.... and storing it all in a room smaller than Rumpelstiltskin's.  (Now you're probably picturing something terrible and I'm embarrassed and will have to come up with an excuse to post photos of my room and redeem myself from the image in your head!) So... I've begun to put myself on hold with little purchases.  And... I did some good deep cleaning Saturday.

AND WITH THAT SAID, the smooth transition to the DOT for the 9th:
A blog I'm grateful for:  Life Chasers.

I love Kaylee's honesty, humor and incredible perspective on life.  She captures things in a lovely light.  (And I hope you recognize all the double meaning in those two sentences.)  I love the beauty that always fills her blog, real beauty in a real life. 

I could list a number of my favorite blogs here, ones that help me see value and beauty in where I am, ones that challenge my perspective, ones that remind me of what matters, or inspire me to come alive and take risks.  And I'll continue to do my best to share those treasures with you all.

Joining Late, but joining. :)  I love this idea.

Love this! The Thankful Tree.