A new year always marks a new age for me.  In 5 days, I will be 26. Remember that list I so ambitiously wrote last year?  I began it in September of 2011 in fact.  What was I going to accomplish and experience in my 25th year of life?  The list I mostly tossed out a couple months ago.  Yeah, that list.  I don't believe I ever posted it in entirety for you all.  Well, here it is.  I have 5 days left and I'm wondering how many I could get done before 26 hits me.  At this point, it's like a fun, frantic game.

25 Goals For 25

Go on a date. 

Read 25 books (5 from the Guardian's list)  So far, I've read 13 books.  Next year, I'll account for Beau in my reading goals. 

Buy a camera (Nikon D5100)   John has one... I suddenly had less drive to buy one. 

Pay off the Toddler

Submit a story  

Submit a poem 

Read more current authors

Run a half-marathon  Ha.  Ran a 5K and then fell into the worst shape of my life. I did run the entire 6 blocks to the bus stop this morning.  That count?  Because boy was my chest burning. 

Learn a real piece on the violin  Haven't played since I moved.  :( 

Start a 401K  

Learn 100 Italian verbs + 100 nouns

Move out

Visit a new city

Talk less (listen more)  I still have 5 days to get this one, right? ;) 

Go camping

Visit the Olympic National Park  

Go sailing 

Write one short story a week  I should have 52 stories?  I have 1 unfinished short story from this year. 

Prepare for the day before leaving the house  I think I have done pretty well at this the majority of the year.  And better the last couple months. 

Read through the New Testament  I spent most of the year in the Gospels.  

Get my concealed weapons permit

Ride in a hot air balloon  Dad? 

Learn to golf

Create my website/ online portfolio  Kind of... 

Ride in a train

I began setting 4 year goals a couple months back.  I will be 30 in 4 years and 5 days! (Weird.)  And I think I am going to set quarterly goals for 26.  I have 4 'to-dos' for the first quarter so far.  I think I'll aim for 5 per quarter.  :)  Besides that, this year will be less about "lists" and more about "priorities".  I have been spending the last few days thinking about my current priorities and how they should change or stay the same for this coming year.  I don't yet know... I'm still praying.  But my to-dos for this first quarter reflect my priorities as best I see them so far.

It's hard to plan for a year.  One person could walk in and change it all... and you could be forever grateful.  I'd aimed to go on a date in 2012.  A real date. I did in January. We played trivia at an Irish pub.  There were no sparks.  It was okay.  I marked it off the list.  And then, I was taken on one of the most wonderful dates... without realizing it at the time.  The rest, I hadn't put on my goals list.  But when it came to it, I'd rather listen to his story than read any of my books on the shelf.  

I feel like I've missed Christmas.  Already.  I have no lights on our tree, no real decorations.  I haven't done one Christmas craft of all the fun things I've seen and imagined.  I've yet to get to do many "christmasy" things with the people I love (with the exception of a quick run for a tree with Meg and my Christmas date with my Mom).  The Christmas season is half over.  I have one week left until Meg & John both go home.  :(  I don't like this.  Not one bit.  This girl, who goes by "Christmas Spirit" among family members... has yet to really enjoy the Christmas season.  And she's starting to get worried she'll miss it entirely.  [Breaks into Where Are You Christmas?]

Goodness gracious there is a lot going on, in my head.  Amazing how weird fears can capture us, isn't it?  I'm finding a trend in my dreams even - some terrible thing will happen to me that I'll feel I'm somehow complacent with and have to tell John, and I'm terrified.  It's odd.  And I've had several.  At this point, I feel all my dirt is already on the table so I'm not dreaming about some real life loot either.  In the days, I'm somehow terrified of "moving forward" and equally afraid of the thought of walking away.  I definitely don't want that!  I  got to have lunch and dinner with Beau yesterday, and I  missed him all the hours in between.  So why the worries?  Why the fears?  Why the absolutely no-making-sense to myself even!?  I don't want to publicize the deep details of our relationship here - but I've always been vulnerable about where I'm really at... there seems so little purpose in writing if I'm busy drawing up walls.  Being in a relationship, so many new things are surfacing in me, good and bad.  But with another person involved and a relationship so dear, I  can't quite write it all so freely here.  But I don't want to go silent either.  Everyone seems to go silent.  And then you end up like me, starting a relationship and realizing you've been told for the past 10 years how to be a great wife, and for the past 20,  how to be a great single, but you have no idea how to be great in the in-between.

So here is the truth I want to point out - how nonsensical we can be in our fears, how dangerously they could stop us from great gifts in our lives.  And how much they seem to grow when we we begin to care.  I can't trust my feelings.  Half the time they aren't even what I want them to be, they're over here or way over there or taking a mid-day nap.  I'm grateful that somewhere along the last 8 years, I've learned to consult them, but not to follow them because I'm not sure I'd be sitting where I am otherwise.... and there is nowhere else I'd rather be.  I'm grateful for journals, because multiple times in this relationship, it has been something I wrote months or years before that has spoken directly to me and given me the peace that I am exactly where I ought to be.  I'm grateful for the Word of God, because times alone with my Bible have watered and held me and given me hope... we have so many promises to hold on to!  I'm grateful for my family, because they are honest and loving and allow room for mistakes - because they are still on my side, and because they love my Beau.  I'm grateful for my friends, because they are still there and they are excited for me, and are some of the wisest counselors.  Some of them have seen me through a lot of life - they know my past, they know my dreams, and I trust their sight. And I'm grateful for my Beau, because often times when I say the hardest things, he somehow grows closer. He is honest and kind.  He doesn't act off of his feelings.  He is willing to suffer, perhaps indefinitely. And I don't know that that can be said of many... at all. He seeks truth and he does it while honoring, everyone. He demonstrates a love to others that reminds me of what I've read.  And he's already argued against every one of these things in his own head as he's read through them just now...

I'm grateful. It's the closing of November and while I've missed out on all the "thankful" posts, I've been storing up in my heart all that I have to be thankful for. I ran to the store early last Sunday morning and as I drove the few Ballard blocks home I took a moment to realize: this is my life.  And I am so happy about it!  I was happy to be in my car, driving to my apartment, to enjoy a phone date with my friend who is off living her dreams, and make breakfast for another of my friends, clean my kitchen, and run off to pick up my beau.  I hope all those "mys" don't sound too selfish - they might - but I know that every one of those things have been given to me and I deserve not one of them.  But they are my gifts.  Someone thought to craft and deliver each of them into my life, and almost every one of them came or remarkably grew in the past 7 months!  I'm grateful.  So incredibly grateful.

Portland

Remember how last month, or the month before last, we went to Portland?  

Well, I'm ready to talk about it now. 

In all truthfulness, I'm just finally in possession of my iPhoto again, and a few moments to upload them. 

We took off early from work and caught a train.  My first train.  (One of my 25 Goals for 25 no less.)

Union Station

I am honestly having a difficult time remembering the order of events.  I know we stayed with his friend the first night, Bryan.  I've had the opportunity to meet him before, but we were hoping to get time with his wife and daughter too.  No luck.  They had friends in from out of town.  John & Bryan had recently gone to Sweden together and this provided the first opportunity for us to scan through all of Bryan's photos.  I also believe that Friday night we drove first to a Creole Restraurant famous for it's Mac 'n Cheese.... and we wandered around some.... freeway underpasses?  I wasn't yet impressed by Portland.  (Minus the mac n' cheese.  It was darn good!)

The next morning, after breakfast and and goodbyes, we headed down to the Pearl District.  We sipped some of the best coffee in Portland at Barista, wandered shops and boutiques and then headed off for a hike.

That is water.
John thought it funny to pour water all over himself...
 he's regretted it since he realized he looks like he was drooling in all the photos.  ;) 

Saturday night we got rooms at a cool hotel downtown, where we showered and cleaned up for the rest of our adventure - and the main part of my surprise.  (If you remember - I basically knew nothing about the weekend.)  He'd told me to dress somewhat nice, but comfortable.  I knew we'd be outside for part.

We got ready, and drove to Powells, where he told me to pick out a book.  In the end, we each walked out with a small pile.  

First time to Powells. I get it now. 

 So the surprise.  I'd been trying to figure it out all month.  Whatever it was, it only happened during the month of September.  John had insisted we go in September to see it.  I thought perhaps it was a big play in a park our some kind of show or group experience.

It was in a park.  But even after we'd picked up our bag of picnic goodies and bottle of wine.  I had no ideas.  Even upon strolling up to the elementary school yard and finding the hillside covered with hundreds of people... sitting down on our own blanket and looking around.  I still had no clue what we were all there for.  I let him tell me.  It was for the Swifts.  The tiny little birds you might notice all over in the sky below.  Thousands of them gather around dusk every day in September, swirl around, and eventually after a very impressive show, they all dive into that chimney.... like a giant syphon.

 After the swifts had packed in for the night, we packed up our blanket, cheese, and wine and headed off to the next place.  The nickel arcade - home of John's favorite game ever.  He doesn't even know the name, or any of the directions, because it's all in Japanese... but he knows how to win at it.  I've got to admit, it had a special thrill.  So did running around an arcade with my favorite fellow-sometimes-five-year-old.  We ended the night with more drinks - Spanish Coffees at the oldest restaurant in Portland.  The bartender comes to your table and tosses and drops and throws and lights until a delicious caramelized drink sits before you - no longer in flames, but still warming your throat as it smoothly goes down.

The next day we explored the city in daylight - of course tried some more coffee, took plenty of photos, and wandered the Sunday market.  Before too long, it was time to hop back in the car and drive to our last scene.

You might not know it, but I am dating THE Mr. Corrado.  The very first.  We took a few hours and wandered John's campus (beautiful!), ate at one of his favorite Mexican dives (delicious!), saw his old church... and he even did a little re-enactment of how he became the first ever, Mr. Corrado.  Those hips do not tell lies.

 Lunch at St. John's Bridge (Is that right, Beau?) 

 We finished it all with a train ride home, watching the sun set, sipping hot cocoa and taking turns reading out of our new books.  We couldn't believe how beautiful the timing was -  I must have taken 20 photos.  Don't waste time on the "dinner train" - just catch a train to Portland at dusk.

I'm pretty sure I have the timing all wrong, because I can't imagine how we fit all these things in to one weekend - with a train both ways. :/  There were plenty of other coffee stops and restaurants and little happenings I left out too.   And yet, it felt perfectly relaxing.  With time to wander, breathe, taste and hold hands.  Time to talk and grow past things together.  

I'm so lucky to get these moments, and with a man who is so kind and thoughtful to plan out all the little important parts of a surprise weekend. 

Happy Halloween!

What are your plans for tonight?  Roomie, Beau and I will staying in - living it up with delicious flavors, a fire and an old scary film on the projector.  It will be our first Halloween in our new apartment and we have high hopes for lots of little trick or treaters at our door!

13/25

I don't know that I am going to make it to 25 books this year.  Boys.  They tend to get in the way of reading time.  But, it's a trade I'm willing to make.  Especially for one that likes to read to me.   Book 13 of 2012:  The Little Prince, as read aloud by Beau.

12/25

I am still aiming to read 25 books by the end of the year and finish the New Testament.  Just under halfway there, on both. 

You didn't say anything about the new background and header.  I figured it was past time to make a change.  I'm in this odd "staging" season in so many aspects of my life - and I feel my blog even reflects that.  But I've always been about transparency in the process, so here you are (again).

Many thoughts right now, and among them all is gratefulness for the people in my life.  I've never been afraid of hard work really.  Well, not never.  But hard work doesn't deter me.  And at this point in my life, I'm looking around and really grateful for the people who are willing to work hard with me. 

I'm seeing the power in our response to situations.  (Which is also hard work sometimes.)

I'm not sure what's next.  I'm not sure how to get there since I don't know where "there" is for this season.  But I also feel strongly that I'm not supposed to just start moving in order to feel progress (a danger to my personality - I love feeling I'm accomplishing something).  So with that, I'm seeking the Lord right now for direction and trusting He will direct my steps. 

I'm valuing counsel in a whole new dimension.  And also recognizing that ultimately - I'm responsible for my life.  Which is exactly what keeps pushing me more and more into seeking counsel. 

I'm learning to listen and not speak sometimes.  I'm seeing new facets of who I am, and how I want to grow.  I'm practicing encouraging more than advising.  I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside - where I'm developing and where I'm lacking.

And also - I'm throwing out that 25 for 25 list.  There are still things I want to do and I will do, but over the last three days I've been praying about it and considering it and I think it's not helpful any more.  It's a distraction.  It's sending me in a dozen rushing directions.  It's purpose was to get my out and going - help me live who I am and step into adventure right where I am.  It's done that.  It's been a success.  And I want to keep that perspective.  Thanks to my 25 for 25, I've pierced my nose, moved out with one of my best friends, payed off my car, read more current authors (strategic for my writing dreams), and opened up to the unknown that has lead to me beginning to build with one of the greatest men I know.  I'm going to ride on a train, float up in a hot air balloon and backpack in the Olympics before the year is up.  I'll visit a new city, hopefully the hometown of my beau.  I've met dozens of new people.  Made new friends.  Learned better responses.  Healthier perspectives.  New motives.  I've learned more about what I like and what I don't like.  How I function best at work.  And I'm working on being less "particular."  My way isn't always the best way and it's always not the only way.  Thanks largely to my "list" I've learned and grown and changed and risked and pushed myself outside of comfort and common.  But I've only really done about 8 of those 25.  I could either spend the next 4 months running every which way on a scavenger hunt of tasks, or I can be grateful that the list accomplished it's goal, even if I didn't accomplish all 25 of mine. 

And that is exactly what I'm going to do.  :)   I'm 25 and this year my life has changed - and as always, the best changes were the ones I couldn't have written for myself anyways.  I'm going to spend the next 4 months enjoying that and flourishing where I am, with those I'm joined to.

[I know.  It just works so well to end with that darn preposition.]

I have 4 months to:

Ride in a hot air balloon
Start a 401K
Visit a new city
Submit a poem for publishing
Submit a short story for publishing
Ride on a train
Get my concealed weapons permit
Read (most of) the New Testament
Read 12 (?) more books
Finish Don Quixote
Visit the Olympics
Get better at getting ready before leaving the house
Run a half marathon
Get my domain/website up
Learn a real piece on my violin (that I haven't touched in months)

...and the list goes on...

This year was about pushing myself out of my comfort - jumping in and living the life I've been "meaning" to live for so long.  I have accomplished so few of the goals I outlined for myself.  And I'm trying not to get too hung up on that.  Because looking over the things I have done, this has been a big year.  An exciting year.  And overall, I'm thrilled with how it has turned out and what my list of goals have pushed me into - all the risks and moments and gifts.  I've been being that person on the outside and in action, that I've been dreaming up on the inside for years.  I set out at the start to dream big, write down dozens of fun and wild things, and do them.  Things I love.  I dreamt wide.  I think next year, I'll still be dreaming bigger, but also more precise.  The word I'm hearing in my heart is "single-minded."  Focused.  I won't be setting 25 goals next year.  I may have five.  Or just one.  We will see.  Until last year, I always had goals for "four years from now"  or "five years down the road".  I turned 24 and it became a wild season (as many of you remember if you were following my blog) of no longer knowing exactly where I was going - not in the details at least.  I was done with school.  I wasn't even within earshot of marriage. The door to grad school closed.  For the first time, I didn't have a clue where I'd be in one year - physically, mentally, what my life would be surrounded by and spent on.  Nothing was as I'd anticipated.  And I didn't feel like the Lord was giving me the next step or releasing that "five year plan" to me any more.  I'd finished the semi-current goals I knew He'd told me to - and I had no idea when the long-term dreams He's given me would become reality.  Just this past week, I've felt that changing.  Maybe it's just because I'm soon to pass 25 and start looking forward to "30" - it's just 4 years away (oh my GOD! what?!!).  Or maybe it's just time to dream again - time to set out a 4 year plan.  Time to seek a longer season and no longer this day to day He's been keeping me in.  Time to set my gaze.   The past couple years have been about becoming who I am, in today.  Whatever today looks like.  And I can feel that heating up.  But I also sense something in me shifting that it's going to become a lot more about where I'm going.  It will always be about who I am.  It always is about our identity.  But, it's almost as if I can tell the next 4 months are a season to cement those qualities I've been fighting for, and recently feel so strongly struggling with - because whoever I am, there's somewhere to go next.  And I'm finally going to know a big piece of how to get there.   It's exciting.  And it's frightening, because somewhere in the back of my mind I know if there's a new piece coming - there's first a big test.  And there's 4 months left in this year.  Power is guarded by problems -  to ensure we are ready for the responsibility.  If I know anything - I know this is true.  And it's a blessing that He prepares us through these troubles.  In one light, the past couple years have been the trouble... but somehow I know it's about to get forged.  Because everything I want to be, feel called to be, or think I am seems harder to be suddenly.  And all the inconsistencies in me are bubbling up.

I loved last night.  After an incredibly long day, I arrived back to my apartment with the beau and a bag of groceries for making lasagna.  But it was late already.  In a vote of three, we decided to postpone the lasagna (yet again) and instead relish Meg's homemade chicken noodle soup for night two.  After we'd all set down our laptops and ipads, we dealt out Phase 10 cards and taught Meg how to play.  There something about learning a new game together, eating homemade soup and playing cards around a kitchen table.  It was perfectly underrated.  I hope it's a preview of Autumn.  I think it shall be.  I love sharing a  home with Megs.  I love that it's frequented by Beau.  I love these little moments we all get to share together.

11/25

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25 for 25

One more checked off.

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I realized this morning:  I've accomplished another of my 25 goals for 25.  And a big one at that. 

Last night, I bought my first carton of milk for my first apartment. :)

I also bought a bottle of wine, a box of sandwich bags, and a thing of cookie dough.  Just the necessities, you know.  And my boyfriend who was sitting on my front steps enjoying a beer when I pulled up, even helped me carry the groceries to my door.  I have nothing to complain about.  And a whole lot to be grateful for.  Including a beard.

10/25

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9/25

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Saturday night I had a fun surprise.   My mystery evening turned out to be dinner at The Blind Cafe.  Quite a wild experience, and probably one I would never have done myself, but I'm so glad it was planned for me.  Meeting people in the dark, where you cannot see their face is wild!  I've heard the concepts on "color blindness" and all the rest, that really end up being hurtful more than helpful, but it was remarkable when I found myself completely unable to make any assumptions based on the appearances of the people I was sharing dinner with.  I don't think I've ever been so self-aware of my own tendency to draw information from appearance.  Not only that, but how little we rely upon our other senses to discover.  Or perhaps, how much we do rely on our other senses to discover.  Notes in voices - drops, or perhaps utter silence.  Tastes, textures on our tongues.  What cues might let us know another wants to whisper something - how did I know when to lean in when I couldn't even see another leaning in?  I'm really not sure.  Or music, and the experience thereof.  Sounds and notes and words, bows on string or fingers plucking. Snaps of finger.  Frustration.  Joy.  The sound of a smile.  Love.  You can hear it.  And eventually, one flick of a flame and your awareness of its light.

It was a definite learning experience, learning about the daily experience of people who face challenges and opportunities on a daily basis that I have never known.  Learning about my own tendencies and how I draw information - right and wrong.  Learning about the powerful senses we were given.  How amazing that we can not just see, but taste and touch and hear and smell. 

The Blind Cafe travels through a number of cities.  You missed this stop in Seattle, but we spoke with the creator of the event and it sounds like you have a very good chance of them making another stop here soon.  The event last weekend was hosted by the Fremont Baptist Church.

Experience A Concert & Sensory Tasting In The Dark! The Seattle Blind Cafe, is a mind bending / heart opening experience where the audience will indulge in a 'Sensory Tasting Experience', participate in a Q & A with their blind wait staff and enjoy a concert of original music by Rosh & One Eye Glass Broken...all in the pitch dark!

A delicious Sensory Tasting Experience will be prepared with love to delight your senses by our lovely volunteers. Your heart and mind will be opened as you embrace the poetry of Rick Hammond, celebrate the darkness with your blind waitstaff, while indulging in 'unencumbered music listening' without the distraction of visual conditioning, social etiquette & your cell phones!

This is NOT just a another dinner in the dark...it's a community experience where people connect, learn and grow from working together to participate in something greater than themselves. The Seattle Blind Cafe is designed to help you feel more alive, awake, present and connected to your world.

With the love and laughter of those at your table you will break bread together, building friendship and community on a night you will never forget or SEE! A portion of the proceeds from this event will be donated to help support the blind community in Seattle.

7/25

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This year, I am going to ride on a train.  I'd prefer it be across a country I've never been.  But I wouldn't mind if it carried me along the coast my heart has come to resemble.