Monday, August 25, 2008

I am sitting on my bed, snacking on fresh apples and peanut butter, listening to Laura Woodley and the rain falling on the lilac tree outside my window. My room is finally in order, and with it a small piece of my life- and I feel a little rest. I could almost cry with the clouds right now. (a good cry).

My life feels very uncertain. It's mostly just my job, but I feel this huge confusion around my life. It is MORE than my job. (yes, whether to stay or go, and if stay, what exactly that would look like? and if to go, where?) Amidst that though, I have realized lately how much I have changed over the past few years- things I like, things I miss. Driving up to Family Camp I had this strange moment, where I realized I like who I was a thankful moment, I am sooo grateful for what God is doing in me, and what He's done in me. Now, the last couple weeks I'm more aware that I still am not totally certain who I am...yes, a daughter. Thats most of what I have to stand on right now.

Conflicts at work have left me asking secretly, "What have I done?" I know so much of it was not my doing, but I fear secretly it was. I was living up to workplace standards, but not up to who I know I am. I was not being selfless, a servant, a daughter in the marketplace as I know I am to be. I was holding on to my own life. How do you explain that to HR? And still, what other things outside of my hands have played a part? And how do I continue now, accepting both?

Along with this is the undercurrent of other questions- only 21, I know, but friends marrying and others seeming close, I can't help but think of that chapter in my own story- and then realizing that I have changed so much, and AM changing so much, and that I genuinely don't know whats best for me- who's best for me...more uncertainty and confusion. (notice the 45 word long sentence there!)

There is so much more, so many details that seem drifting past me downstream while I'm holding on to a branch. I am not in a crisis right now, don't worry (or maybe I am, but I know that branch is rooted deeper than the current of the river!). However, I am definitely in need of the Lord, and I DO want Him more than my next breath! This Sunday's message was so pertinent to me right now- I wanted to make sure I captured every word into my notebook. "Don't quit a job until you have a preceding word! Don't start a job until you have a preceding word!", I sit, and wait for Him to speak. I need one of the "Then God said.." moments in my life. This is where I actually get excited, because pastor norm explained that a "Then God moment" is what begins a presence movement, and I'd certainly love to see the Lord release a Presence movement at my work, even amidst my own recent failures. I want the Lord to come- come to my bedroom, come to my home, come to my work, come to the Gilberts' tonight! ;)

Lord, I am so grateful for all you are doing, in me and around me, and I'm grateful I have only You to grasp. Speak into the void... :)

Friday, August 22, 2008

Kim posted this quiz today, and with a few extra minutes here I decided to as well. I was surprised by the trend in my answers, as well as my result. Surprisingly, I think it's acurate. I'm definitely a touch person....let me know if you think it's acurate...and take it yourself, I want to know your results :)

You are the Sense of Touch

You are a highly sensitive and easily moved person.

You love to get as close to other people as possible.

Human connection is very important to you.

You are also likely to be an animal lover who loves animals as much as humans.

In fact, you like almost anything soft!

You have expensive taste in clothes and furniture. It's all about the fabric.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

Friday night was the beautiful Morrill-Somers wedding! Aime and I at Katy & Dusty's wedding at the Square in the Court (beautiful venue- BEAUTIFUL wedding)

The next day Dad and I loaded up the car and headed to Montana for Amanda (my second cousin)'s wedding. The drive was beautiful. We took our time getting over there, taking two days and many stops.

Our first stop was Deception Falls. It was supposed to be a "quick stop" but then I offered to take a picture for a couple- the man recognized dad and it turned out they had worked together years ago at Boeing. 20 minutes later.... lol.

Dad and I made a stop here, at the Mission of the Sacred Heart. My dad and his dad stopped here on a drive to Montana when he was 12.

The next day we stopped for gas and saw a sign for "silver Mountain" and the "longest gondola in the world." At first I was discouraging my dad from going. It was at a water park according to the sign and I thought I boat ride on some ridiculously long gondola sounded like a tourist nightmare! (granted, I've been to Venice, and unless I'm in Venice, with my man's arm around me someday, I don't want to take a gondola ride). Now, I didn't say any of this reason to my dad - and boy was I grateful for that, after I looked at the mountain and realized it was the OTHER kind of gondola....yes, like a ski lift. I told my dad on the way up and he laughed.

It was the most beautiful ride, surprised us both as we headed to the second, smaller lift, and then to a third that took us up to the forest fire lookout.

I didn't take many pictures of the wedding sadly, (I didn't want to carry my camera around so I put it in the car). It was incredibly beautiful! The next evening, we all headed into Missoula for the county fair, and the Third Day Concert. It was a really fun experience. Dad and I also had dinner at Cracker Barrel before meeting everyone at the Fairgrounds. In the gift shop we saw these Griz hats and decided to buy them to egg on my fam over there that was trying very hard to get me to come to UM and become a Griz.

The hats worked, kinda. Cort gave us no response really (typical of Cort, and it got Dad haahaa), but Uncle Jim decided to take me on a midnight tour of the campus, and then to their new house to show me just how close I'd be if I moved in with them, lol.
My cousin Tina (mother-of-the bride) and her husband Phil...who is one of my new favorite people! He still does team penning, but used to ride bulls...they have a picture of him in the Calgary Stampede, riding a Buffalo! Not only that, but they let out like 9 of them at once! SO you fall off and you aren't just running from yours....there's a few more to watch out for!! At the same time, he is the sweetest man! (and Kris & Kim- he knows Flynn- our favorite Rodeo Clown- they are good friends, he's known him since he was a teacher, and stayed with his family! Tina and I were watching bull riding and a comercial came on with Flynn in it, and Tina goes "Phil knows him" and I said, "Wait- whats his name?!" cus I recognized him and thought it might be Flynn. Sure enough, it was!)

MORE KELLY GIRLS :) I think this is the first time I've ever had a picture with both Cousin Tina, and Hope. These have always been favorite cousins of ours, and while I have been able to send a good deal of Hope growing up (note, the name ;), I didn't get much with Tina.
The last morning, I got up early and went riding with Tina. I loved it! I was surprised by how relaxed I was, seriously. Maybe I was just still part asleep. I rode Missy, Tina's team penning horse, and she rode Phil's, Mandy. Missy was a total booger that morning, and she could tell I didn't really know what I was doing, so she was running the show...and I do mean Running. She'd take off across the coral all the sudden to be right beside her best pal, Mandy, who was tied up to a post still. After a little guidance by Tina, I had earned a little respect and Missy was paying attention to me. It was a blast. I rode around the corrall for a while, practicing turning her, checking her, and ...clicking at her (? telling her to speed up, lol). Then Tina and I saddled up mandy and headed down the road. We just took a relaxed walk (which was still a challenge since Missy wanted to get'r'done, lol, slow was NOT in her vocabulary the first half of the morning and I was constantly checking her. Once she settled down, Tina and I were able to have a great talk and beautiful ride on a Montana morning....ohhhh...yep, a little hard to leave.

After a long goodbye to Uncle Jim and Aunt Joanne, and all the others, we headed out.