Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Reason #1 I am sad to be graduating:

When will I ever again be in a room with 15 other people, who all laugh at a joke about TS Eliot's The Wasteland's overuse of footnotes.

English major jokes... I will miss spending time with other Lit nerds. The jokes I can never quite explain to my friends... :(

(Chris next to me, says, "Stop calling us NERDS- I barely even read books"... but that comment was followed by a discussion on the different spellings of "Bear/bare" I WIN. My blog, I win. ;)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

This is why I "open."

It is 10am, and I have:

Worked a shift at Totem Sbux.
Picked up tickets from Elise.
Dropped off said Tickets for Theresa.
Filled out a new availability form for sbux.
Requested off my vacation time for June.
Had the schedule changed at work for me to cover a friend's shift.
Cleaned out my car.
Replied to emails and set up two meetings for school.

Still left to do:
Read the example essay (30ish pages) for class tomorrow.
Fill out my internship forms online.
Contact someone at Habitat for Humanity and set up the "UIE Habitat Day."
Send out email about UIE Habitat Day to company.
Follow up with Lea (Graphic Designer) on prints of Case Studies.
Get "Beloved" from Kris and start reading it.
Email Bianca finally. ;)
Make reservations for Saturday night.
Order Bridesmaid dress.
Class at 3:30.

This is a beautiful day. I love few things more than an early morning full of productivity.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Last first day.

My first day of my last quarter (as an undergrad) ended with a nice treat- coffee with Ty. I'm so grateful for this guy. He's been my pal forever, ever growing more dear to my heart. Can't imagine my childhood, my school days, my summer evenings, my MC class, or my past 4 years of college without him. He's one of my best friends and will forever be. I'm so blessed because of the people like him that surround me, care for me, make me laugh dangerously hard, give me their arm when I'm slipping all over, and at times.... tell me the painful truth.

Funny story about this picture. We took it with my phone at the MLS Championship last year, and had my phone not been acting up it would have been sent to facebook. I thanked God (a LOT) when I soon-after found that a large-scale rumor had been begun on my facebook page (thank you Maher) while we were at the game. This pic would have popped right into the middle of a frenzy of comments- without us ever knowing. We had a good laugh later, and BOTH thanked the Lord for my retarded phone.

Spring 2009 (Juniors) - Guntis Smidchens's class, UW

Spring 2007 (Freshmen) - The Quad, UW

Sunday, March 28, 2010


In the midst of the craziness of this weekend I have also been switching rooms. What I thought would be a quick paint job turned into a MUCH bigger job then I intended (ended up repainting the entire room, putting in molding, new blinds- well mom did the blinds). Halfway through I was a little nervous and regretting the decision, but laying in bed tonight I am very happy with the end result. I loved how I had set up my old room and didn't expect to like this one nearly as much, but I think I was wrong. :)

A few of my favorite pieces of my old room:

A first glimpse of the new room. It is still in process. I need to hang up my doors, keys, mirror and I think I am going to frame my Uffizzi Gallery print... not set on where they are all going just yet.

(The winter is over and the...)
My night to make dinner.

No mushrooms for Katherine, no eggs for mom, egg whites for dad (no peanuts next time for Kristin). A nice red wine. Check.

Tomorrow night, I'm going to venture to make Aime's crazy yummy chili. Stayed tuned...

Saturday, March 27, 2010

A little piece of the Kelly treasure. :)

I haven't blogged much this week, because it hasn't been an easy week. There have been a few thoughts I've felt moved to share, but when it came to it I just didn't feel like I could.

I've just finished the final words of Perpetua and I am so moved by the faithfulness of the Lord. Even that He had me reading this book through this week is His faithful hand on my life. It is strange that we feel so entitled to the things we do. We think it is normal, but it ought not to be. We should not feel so entitled to the life we do. Even the idea of "Spring Break." As students, we think it is our priviledge and right to have a "relaxing and fun week." The whole country has idealized the idea. And we all commit to it to some degree. Yesterday I was thinking, 'This is not how I expected to spend my spring break.' But today, I'm just shocked by my silly selfishness. Why should we deserve a spring break? Why should we expect such comfortable lives and delicate treatment? Why is it that the disciples of Christ followed Him into martyrdom, and were told by Jesus directly not to be surprised when they were hated by the world? Hated.

I receive love by so many. I turn, and I feel loved. Not because of me- trust me. Yet, when I feel pain or hurt, I reply, "I didn't expect this." Why not? Yes, the Lord is good, and I do not want to walk through life expecting bad things. But is pain, a bad thing? I'm just not sure. I want to say that my life will be touched at every corner with the blessings of the Lord- and I believe it actually will, but I don't want to declare that those blessings will always be comfortable, sweet commodities. The story of Perpetua is of a young woman, my exact age, who faced all the fears I am currently facing... though different forms. Still, I can't imagine the Lord showing me a better story to help give me courage and remind me that my life is not my own. And I ought not to grasp it, nor demand comfort. The martyrs saw their death as a blessing. Indeed, Paul considered each of his beatings, drownings, stonings, and eventual death to be the blessing and goodness of the Lord. He counted it a blessing to share in the sufferings of the Lord. The martyrs of early Christianity declared in their deaths, "God is good." Quite literally.

What is wrong with our Christianity today? Oh Lord, let me respond to whatever level of suffering you allow to touch my life, with dignity and nobility of heart, as a daughter to God, and a true bride to Jesus. Change me heart to value what You value, and to desire what You desire. Let me seek you and find you. You said ask and it will be given... let me have the courage to ask for the greatest in your eyes, not the easiest in my own.

Let whatever suffering we each taste not be wasted, but let it draw us into deeper intimacy with you, sharing in your suffering that we may be baptized in it, and taste deeper life with you. Let us seek you, and find you.. in whatever we taste today, not putting it off in hopes that tomorrow will be easier, more comfortable, less busy.

Perpetua, by Amy Rachel Peterson

Buy it on Amazon.
Read it on Google Books (be warned, good pieces missing...)
A brief bibliographyof Perpetua and her fellow martyr, Felicitas thanks to Wikipedia.

Friday, March 19, 2010

It is true we ought to follow the grace, but often grace is the steps up a very long, steep hill. Grace enables us. But we can't think that just because something is easy, it's what is right.

I think the theme for me today is: Doing the hard thing.

I'm facing up to fears. I'm releasing worries. I'm choosing to rest in uncertainty and expectation. Today is a gift and tomorrow is a wonder. Be blessed, and enjoy this amazing sunshine!

PS, I'm grateful for the new followers.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

2 Cor 12:9: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The Lord changed my way of thinking last night.

I've always thought its greater to have something to be arrogant about, and instead be humble. Like the value of my humility increased proportionally to the level of my success. Blantantly ridiculous and arrogant to admit now, but before yesterday, unconsciously, thats how I thought about it. But as you may already see clearly, that is still finding value in success and performance. Humility isn't about that at all. Humility is as valuable in the man on the street corner holding a sign as it is in the nobel-prize winning author. The man with the nobel prize may have a harder time being distracted by his own shiny achievements, but humility is genuinely not caring about your 'crowns.' It's value is not in us, in any way. The value of humility is that it is us setting our eyes on the Lord- and that is why it draws His attention. A humble heart belongs to the one who fixes his gaze on the Lord, and when we fix our gaze on Him, He moves to us, and for us. David had a humble heart... he fixed his gaze.

We cannot pursue greatness and success and at the same time pursue humility. We can pursue obedience; we can chase after His face; we can seek faithfulness. But we cannot carry our achievements down that narrow road. The cross takes two hands to carry.

Eph 2:9: not by works, so that no one can boast.

This is only part of the peace the Lord released to me yesterday- a process He began the day before as He reminded me that He is faithful to do what He has planned for my life. I am where I am called to be. I am here, I am being diligent and giving myself to the process and the work, beyond that I just have to trust He'll show up. And He always has, He always does. Yesterday morning I walked into my finals with a remarkable level of peace... I'd studied, and He was there and that's all I needed. Because while I want to get excellent grades... the only reason I need them is to open the doors He calls me to walk through. And as long as I'm in obedience (aka, studying), He'll make sure the doors open. We all know the doors He opens, no man can close. So there it is, peace. I took the test, and I walked away excited, not sure what my grades will be, but knowing I obeyed and waiting expectantly to see what doors get opened next.

Today, I am choosing that peace again as I wait to see if I will get to make up a missed lab, work on my term paper, and prepare for my architecture final (tomorrow morning). Aw, the Lord is faithful. He works things out for those who trust in Him

Isa 41:10: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Rom 15:13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. [probably my 'life-verse!']

Rom 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Phil 4:13: I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Prov 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Jer 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Rom 12:1: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.

Gal 2:20: I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Phil 4:7: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Josh 1:9: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Isa 40:31: but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Matt 6:33: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Eph 2:10: For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

1 Pet 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Matt 11:28: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

John 16:33: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

2 Tim 1:7: For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

I am in love with the Word of God. His words feel like waters- refreshing my tired eyes with sweet tears, my weary heart with hope, and my exhausted heart with peace- joy flooding my spirit so it is strong enough to lead all my other faculties.

[Sorry if the above language is too flowery (as is my tendency), or sounds too typically religious, I feel it so passionately though- AW... The JOY of the Lord is my strength! I love Him. I love His love. Reading the scripture really does ignite me in every way!]

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm going through my cabinet where I keep supplies, looking for a blue book (a little blue notebook you buy for exam-style tests), and this pretty much fell into my lap... quite literally. I'd looked everywhere for all my MC cds over the past few months... just found them. And I found my notebooks. I opened one up and just started flipping through quickly. This page jumped out to me, and it wasn't until after I finished it that I realized this is March. Oh Lord.

"March is not the month of abandonement, it is not the month people leave- it is the month of purification, sanctification. March is your invitation, Katrina. Leave, let go, draw near to Me. I love you this much. You are my own, my very own. My chosen one."

It appears it is something the Lord spoke to me in worship on March 3, 2006. Chuck Pierce spoke that night, and here are some of his notes.

Knowing how to end one season and start another season is very important at this time.

First fruits; when they start giving me their best, I will bless their whole bunch.

Quit worrying about all the weaknesses you have, let God use them on your behalf.

Generation under 30- you are on a fast track- all you have to do is carch the wave God has you on and let Him move you into your position.... Listen carefully, your life is about to change! God's eye is on you, get ready to receive a major rearranging in this area, in your life! ... the next generation in this area is creating a movement.

Then Dutch shared:
'Seasons of restoration' chronos- general times of restoration of all things. And Kiros moments.

You are going to open up the gates- some of those gates are points in the past you have to go back and heal and then His purposes are released - there is a covenantal gate open to Him then. You are going to go back and heal those breaches through repentance, intercession, and applying the blood... some breaches from 30 and 40 years ago!

Healing history - get it healed where the blessing of God can flow through!

Grab hold, because He is going to move you quickly- grab hold, quit striving, you are on the way to your promise now!

March 4, 2006

Chuck Pierce:

You are coming full circle and on the verge of completing a major season in your life... Do not back up! Break past your old cycles!

You want to grab hold of the things you need.

Breaking cycles, and breaking into the new. This isn't an easy year, but this year God is giving grace to break through!

Keep embracing the sounds God brings into your area, otherwise you'll get stuck. Sounds bring change.

Learn to embrace what He's embracing because He's breaking old cycles!

God's trying to change us- just take what/who He brings to you!


Wow! it just keeps going! I share this not because you know just how remarkably it aligns with what the Lord has been speaking to my heart (from the scripture, from friends, and just in whispers), but because I think it might align with what He is speaking to you as well.. I have a feeling.

It is remarkable how true a work can be on the day it is spoken, and how it can become even more true it seems, 5 years later. Oh Lord- make sure this word gets totally worked through in me- don't let me miss one drop of what is in it!
I woke up this morning to the alarm on my phone. I turned it off and recognized I had new email messages (I get both my gmail and my outlook on my phone). Typically I wake up to several things of junk mail, but that never stops me from having to check.

Not today. :) No, I had an email from one of my favorite women, Linda Cline encouraging me and reminding me of who I am. She postured me for not only today, but this season. I wrote out part of it and put it in my car on the dash. After I finished the email and started to wake fully up I thought, "OH NO!" You see, typically when the Lord puts THAT much encouragement before me, first thing in the morning... I end up needing it. The last time he so prepared me, it was followed by a very painful and difficult day, and I was able to to lean back on what He'd already spoken to me. So yes, I was tempted to tip toe through the day... I kept waiting to see what was coming. Thus far, nothing catastrophic or heartbreaking has occurred.

On the contrary, when I returned to my room this evening, I found a card on my door. I was clear it was from my big sis. More encouragement. And then more.

Today has been a great day of encouragement. Thank you all. And thank you Lord that you are always faithful to prepare me and strengthen me when trials come... and thank you that, that encouragement doesn't only come when pain is around the corner. Sometimes, it is only there to strengthen and embolden so I can take a step.

Spring is around the corner... Life is coming from old, dead places. Release your fears, release your expectations that hurt and pain will always follow the sunshine and tender words of friends. Make a demand on your faith, believe that what He has said, He will do. And the desires in your heart.... they were His desires first. He created you to breath, dream and long for the good things that are wrapped up in who He is. It's all part of His drawing you to Himself, part of Him pulling you into His great mystery. He has a plan for you... and it's good. :)

I'll be there to remind you.
Borrowing some words from David Gray... so beautiful and I can't help but think of my Maker as I watch dusk approach and listen to this song of love and truth.

Please forgive me if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do.

Feels like lightening running through my veins every time I look at you, every time I look at you.

Help me out here, all my words are falling short and there's so much I want to say.

Want to tell you just how good it feels when you look at me that way, when you look at me that way.

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow, moving out across the bay.

Like a stone I fall into your eyes, deep into that mystery. Deep into some mystery.

I've got half a mind to scream out loud. I've got half a mind to die so I wont ever have to lose you.. wont ever have to say goodbye.

Please forgive me if I act a little strange, for I know not what I do.

Feels like lightening running through my veins every time I look at you, every time I look at you.
Every time I look at you.

Please Forgive Me, David Gray

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Rick Pino actually does come to a city and turn it upside down.

A voice is not an echo. You want to know how to get a voice? Get an ear.

Even small voices can shake a nation.

You and I today are still being pierced by the voice of John the Baptist.

Grip hearts Lord! Make us burning shining lamps- with voices sent by God!

He is looking for someone to get an ear and just begin to release His voice.

According to your desire will be the level of your voice. You are a voice, but it's up to you how loud, pure, precise you want that voice to be.

Voices are hinges that connect the old and the new. With one word, the dead are being raised, the deaf are hearing. kids go from being suicidal to being movers and shakers.

This is not something He takes lightly, He is placing His words in your mouth. He doesn't just give it to any passer-by. He gives it to men and women who are hungry, who are thirsty. His eyes are roaming, looking for the ones who do not care about the cost, denying earthly pleasures, finding pleasures of the King.

Voices don't care to be faces.

-Rick Pino

Friday, March 12, 2010

Ever have one of those friends who become so dear to your heart, and then disappear?

I don't know how it is, but a friend in your youth can grow so close to your heart that even a decade later, you miss them. In grade school I became friends with a girl named Deborah Jeanne. We all called her Jeannie. I don't think I've cared more for a friend before or since. I've cared as much, but not more.

We'd go a year without seeing one another, but each summer it was like we'd never been apart. She had a rough life back in California and we tried several times to get her to move up here to Washington, in with some relatives. But when her family up here began to crumble as well, and her uncle disappeared I never saw her again. The last time I saw her was when my parents and I picked her up in California my 9th grade summer. We'd chat from time to time, every time was a little heartbreaking. I wanted her to be cared for and to get out of the situations she was in. I wanted her to be here.

I often pray about her, and wonder where she is. I've tried to find her, once thought I had. Lord, protect her and make Yourself known to her. Bring the people into her life who can guard and love her, and speak your truth to her. And if it's Your will, restore our friendship someday.

I miss you Jeannie Roberts.
This morning, I feel peace. :)

Finals are approaching rapidly, but there have already been all sorts of little gifts to bring peace and assurance to my heart. I spent the night at Kristin's last night (I had a late-night study session and then an 8:30a class today), so this morning I walked up to the Ave for some coffee and breakfast before heading to class. As I packed up my books to head up to class, Norah Jones came across the speakers... "Come Away With Me..." It's amazing what an impact a song can have, especially when it surprises you. Earlier this week I was in the UVillage starbucks one morning, getting coffee before class. My heart was hurting and I was in need of hope. As I was standing at the condiment bar, one of my very favorite songs began to play. You can make my bed, I'll fall into it, broken but not lonely. 'Cus I never new a home until I met your hands. I wasn't quite sure I was hearing it right. It's a song by Stars from a couple years ago. I hadn't heard it before on Starbucks radio, nor since. It was exactly the little note I needed dropped by my Savior... I'm here. I'm your Comforter. I'm the Lover of your soul, and the Creator of you. I like what I make.

Your right hand upholds me. And in the shadow of Your wings, I will rejoice. I will rejoice.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

It's hard to find cute outfits that are Starbucks dresscode appropriate, but I've been trying. Today I'd layered on plenty of all blacks.

Upon getting home early afternoon, I started cleaning. I took off the black boots when I walked in. 20 minutes later, I lost the long black vest. A half an hour later I ran out to the car and suddenly became aware of what I was wearing. Pretty much, I'm Jo in Funny Face... only with slippers. (What I like to call me "old man slippers" because I had my first pair when I was a little girl and loved them because they looked like my dads. About 6 pairs later, and I continue to love them for their connotation of an older gentleman in smoking jacket quiet in his study. Other's like to call them "mocasins," mostly just to upset me.)

I don't ever mind feeling like Audrey. ;) Especially when it's a quarky book nerd. (But if Kris happens to stop by, I know I'm in for a look.)

"He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot


True for every detail of life. True for me today. Oh heart, taste. And see that the Lord is good.
Good morning.

I think the next six days are going to be the steepest climb remaining in my undergrad years. After this quarter, I have my senior thesis and a couple little (easy) classes... the next week will be the climb [insert Miley Cyrus song... you can thank me later for getting those lyrics and the crackly voice stuck in your head this morning.]

Love you all. Bless you.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What use is an anchor, but upon a ship?

What use is a ship, but to travel the seas?

Hope is an Anchor.

(I look at this photo regularly- yes, I like to think it's me.)

Monday, March 08, 2010

"There is nothing like weakness and danger to bring me into constant communion with God."

"That's true," she agreed quietly, to the stone wall and potted flowers we crowded up against, making way for another litter to pass. "Loneliness as well.

(Perpetua, 121)

Sometimes it is just weakness, and the danger of yourself that drives you into constant communion with God. I'm hungry to be like Him... but I feel less like Him than ever. And I feel less able to act like Him than ever. I'm in desperate need of His strength- I'm searching, and I'm also just waiting for that glorious exchange- my weakness for His strength. My selfish desires for His ultimate plan and ultimate self-sacrificing Spirit.... the Spirit of Sonship that says "Not my will, but Yours be done."

I'm longing for a garden lately. I know that the curriculum of my classes are not seperate from His orchestration of my life. I know that the sunshine and blossoming flowers and the sweet thoughts in my heart that are dwelling on all the memories in my mother's beautiful garden, and the class this morning where I learned about all the beautiful and unbelievable gardens of England are part of His workings in my heart. I know the promise of spring is near- around me, and inside me. I want to hide away in a garden and smell nothing but sweetness, hear nothing but the music of a fountain, and see tangible beauty around me. Beauty that is organized, cared for and tended, but uncontrived. Beauty that is silent, not shouting in an attempt to be seen or to be the center. No, beauty that is created and is beautiful by nature and be the careful tending of another.

I will not contend with others. I will not fight to be the focus or shout for attention. And my spirit is longing to be that kind of beauty that rests and is seen and smelt and real, not contrived. I want to surround myself with that kind of beauty and escape the noise of other attempts to be seen, noticed, praised, adored and all the rest. It's just too much to be around sometimes, tiring and discouraging. It seeks to diminish (or hide) the beauty all around in order to point out it's own loveliness. And when you are what is around, it seeks to make you forget your own... and to blind others to your virtues. You begin to believe you are unspectacular, dull, lacking what it would take to do anything great.

And the ugliness and darkness and pain- that is even worse (eg, all the Noir lit and films I've had to watch). Spring break couldn't come soon enough. I need to be immersed in Light and sweetness- the sweetness of the Living God. I need to find myself in a garden, just Him and me... and be so silent that I can hear Him remind me who He sees me as... remind me of my gentle, strong beauty. Remind me that He gives beauty for ashes.

Oh Lord, You are what it means to be beautiful.

Temple of Apollo, Stourhead Garden, England
I feel like I have to get away- not because I have to escape- but because something inside is compelling me to GO, to wander, to travel and discover and enjoy adventure. I almost can't bare to sit through my architecture class each morning because the beauty so strangles me- telling me I must be in those rooms to breath, walk through those French and English gardens to smell, stare up at the vaults of those Cathedrals if I ever want to see.

It is part of the fire inside of me.


This morning we are studying English Gardens. All the beautiful constructions and small temples/buildings set throughout them. My professor pointed out that the only practical service they may offer is getting out of the rain.... are you going where I'm going? Of course I pictured my favorite scene in the new Pride & Prejudice- out in the rain in the garden!!

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Book Recommendation:


By Amy Rachel Peterson

I'm only about 100 pages in (and have book club tonight- whoops), but this book is ministering so deeply to me. Cami selected it for our book club and I couldn't be more grateful. Though fictionally fashioned, the book is a rendering of Via Perpetua's life based on her journals. I want to get my hands on her journals so badly now! At the age of twenty-two she was martyred in Carthage, along with 5 other Christians. I'm seeing Jesus anew in so many beautiful ways. I'm beginning to even thirst a little for persecution. The little things that I call suffering seem so petty, but at the same time, this book manages to convince you that it's not.

He must increase, but I must decrease. What a joy I have to be both Your bride and Your friend, who rejoices when You find the bride. Help me rejoice in all You have joy in, even if to me it is a painful act of suffering, of decreasing. If it brings You joy, let it bring me joy, I whispered in my heart. (Perpetua, 112)

Sometimes, she echoes the words in my own heart, for just two weeks ago I began repeating in my heart, "What brings You glory brings me joy." And more of the time, it reveals the huge lack in me. Last week at Bible Study we read the Beatitudes. I'm so grateful for the way of the Lord- for WHO He is. He always supplies a way. In the Beatitudes, He lists all these blessings of these astounding character qualities, that just get better and better. But which of those qualities can I really, undoubtably claim that I own? It's then that I can claim the first of them at least: I am poor in Spirit. And from there, He works in us to add the others... always a process, but thankfully He is faithful to complete the work He's begun. This is my peace (though I let myself lose it far too commonly).

(Here's a link to a biography of Saint Perpetua)

Friday, March 05, 2010

Yesterday was a delight. I got to spend nearly the whole day with one of my best friends. Aime's one of the most remarkable people I know. I was spoiled for years with tons of time with her, but this season has brought welcomed changes. Now Mrs. Hale. ;) I had breakfast with her and Rob. Headed to the mountain for a few hours, and then hung out for a few more hours. Amazing.
You know when you have those friends who you may not see much, but no matter what you just feel comfortable around? Like total peace. That's Aime. Robert must be the luckiest man I know (well, one of a few- I know some awesome young women).

We started cracking up mid conversation as we started putting on our gear at the mountain. Stripping off our outer layers of sweats, we looked down to see both of us wearing similar mocasins, the same socks, and ridiculously similar thermal underwear. Even similar style zip-ups. Aime asked aloud, "Can you tell we've spent a lot of time together?"

Aime took me up a new lift to see the backside of the mountain. Despite the heavy clouds that had come in over the course of the morning, it was beautiful.

She got me back to doing toe-side turns- and I even was doing a little caring by the end. But despite my improvement, I almost had a couple collisions... with un-moving objects. Like a tree. And a fense.

I think Aime gives people the courage to try new things, and somehow the confidence to believe they'll be successfull.... which in turn, they typically are because of it. She's unendingly patient, or so it seems, so learning new things with her is a BLAST. As I was getting back into the habit of making toe side and heal side turns, and pushing myself to do it on a steeper incline than I usually would-- I saw a tree and decided I would try to cut around it...only I wasn't quite making enough of a turn. Eventually, I just slid onto my butt and skidded towards it- when I stopped a foot from it, I lost it laughing.

A couple hours later, Aime was sitting in the snow behind a ways, watching me practice my turning down the mountain. I was feeling pretty confident and cutting it pretty close to this orange fense. As I got closer and closer and was debating the turn, I finally realized I wouldn't have enough space to do it, so I stopped and sat down. Aime shouted after me, telling me she was thinking "OH good, she's challenging herself... oh man, she's not gonna make that- please don't try to turn that." "But what an image and memory that would have been if I'd taken that fence out- huh?!" We laughed and decided to pose the picture anyways.... not realizing that we were right below a lift. Some guy leaned over the edge and shouted down at me as I held this position, "HEY, ARE YOU OKAY?!" I replied, "Just getting a picture.." He acted awkward (I think intentionally, I think), "I was just kidding." And the lift wisked him up and away. We laughed quite a while... and continued to act like fools.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

I have to write this before I can fall asleep, it is just too overpowering on my heart.

At dinner with my sister my hands were shaking. I showed her and thought it might be because I hadn't had enough to eat, or that it was a very stressful morning. She thought perhaps I'd had too much caffeine (but I'd had less than normal). Then I realized what it was.

I was supposed to have read this book for Honors English by today, and being limited in time and having two papers to write this week I ended up scanning through it in the hour and a half before class. I read the intro, some of the middle, and the last few chapters. In that I came across a lot of junk. The book was very dark, and included one reference that made a mess of me. (I should preface this that I am taking a noir class on detective fiction). There was a character murdered who had 'dealt in little boys.' In my minimal reading, I came across a passing reference to him molesting a little boy. It was subtle, but it punched me in the stomach as I was pretty certain it really was saying what I thought. Oh GOD. Even writing it right now, I hurt and feel sick. As I told a friend before class how much I disliked the book and why he said "Kati, it's fiction." But it's not. That character may have been made up, but 'that' story isn't really fiction.

Now tonight, lying in bed reading Perpetua, whatever was in my heart and spirit is finally released. God is so faithful. So loving. I am struggling to put words to what is in my heart- accurate words to the crazy feelings in my stomach. I'm reading this novel based on the journals of an old Roman Christian Martyr, Perpetua. In the story, a little 2 year who she adores (he's practically her nephew) is sacrificed. It wasn't that, that most got me. It's when she is hearing the story of Jesus and she is seeing WHO He is for the first time. It's like as she is placing the little boy (Tumi) into the story of Jesus telling the disciples to let the children come unto Him, I was placing the little boy from the story this afternoon into it as well... the darkness can seem so stifling sometimes, and when the Light peirces through, sometimes it's so bright and beautiful and loving that you wonder if you've ever really seen it before. Jesus is Love. Not in a cheap or weak way- but in the realest way I've ever tasted known- or NOT known. I want to tear away this veil that keeps me from the reality of who He is, and His power to restore. I want to magically find the words right now that stop saying the cheap, poor things that have been said before and somehow spills out the throbbing tears in my chest right now onto this page-- that they can grip the people who read this, not as my revelation of the magnificence of Jesus- but as their own heartbreaking experience that wrecks them. I want to feel this every moment, of every day... because if I did, I'd know Him... and I'd actually love people, and do something that really healed their heart and brought them into that same real love. I want to see something real happen. I want to see people's lives changed. I want to see those who have been molested, raped, broken, beaten, abandoned see a God who can make them completely new, whole, healed, restored, loved. I want to see their pain forgotten. I want to see brightness in their eyes again. I want to see innocence brought back to a person who's long forgotten it. I want to see value in the countenance of someone who's long been told they are nothing. I want to see an orphan KNOW they are a son- with an inheritance and purpose. I want to see an alcoholic, not need a drink... and be free. I want to see a woman who has lost everything she loves, and been forgotten by those who should be seeking her good, find a Love that convinces her she can trust and that He has never forgotten or forsaken her. That what she misses, He's taking care of.

I don't want to live a life of shadows, good messages, debates, toeing lines and just handing out sandwiches on Friday nights. I'll do all that- but I won't be satisfied with it. I'm in love with a King, who became a slave!! How can I be satisfied with slogans?! I'm in love with the Teacher, who treasured noisy children. I'm in love with the man who wasn't afraid to have dinner with the criminals and have a prostitute cause a scene at His feet. I'm in love with a God who broke down in a garden, and who taught His disciples that His father wants mercy and obedience more than He desires sacrifice.... and then gave mercy, obedience, AND sacrifice, through death. And then, He even conquered death.

So I want to live something greater. I'm with Paul- It's no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me! To live is Christ, and to die is gain! I know you'll judge what you see today... but I'm not going to back away and delete this post, because the longing in my heart is just too great. I want to see the hurt around me healed. I want the love I feel for my friends and family to become so overpowering that it actually becomes something that's not me, but is Christ and therefore has the power to actually overcome the circumstances in their lives that are causing them that pain, and change their lives as they know it!

"Tumi! Tumi!" Jesus called. The little boy let go of my hand and turned back, running towards Jesus. A flying leap landed him square on the Lord's lap, muddy feet and dirty hands making prints all over God's clothes. Jesus cuddled him closer than I ever did. I watched Him speak into Tumi's ear as I approached, all the while tussling his hair, squeezing his chubby arms. His hands remained protectively around my baby when He turned, and rebuked those disciples: "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God..." They looked shamefacedly at the ground. "Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." He stood as He spoke, and transferred Tumi back into my arms with one long look into my eyes. I reluctant moved away to leave room for the mothers who'd come back at His words. He scooped up child after child, touching and blessing, caressing them. Perhaps he spent the rest of the day playing with children. Perhaps He taught His disciples how to."

Amy Rachel Peterson, Perpetua, p 67

Above is the passage that set me over the limit. Perpetua has just witnessed the sacrifice of the sweet little boy the night before, and here, as she is learning about God for the first time, she's imagining Tumi with Jesus. If Jesus rebuked His disciples for turning the little children away... how His heart must break and His fury fly for the children who are molested, abused, sold into the sex trade, and forgotten and abandoned. Oh God! Heal the hearts of the women who have aborted their children. Heal the hearts of the women who have lost their babies against their will, dreams, and desires. I know Your love is greater for those children then theirs, mine, or any man's. I know Your love for those mothers is incomparable.

Don't let us just cry at night in our beds for pity or passion... let it become a holy fire... use me, somehow. I don't know how. But move on their behalf. Move through me.

Oh Lord, You are beautiful. Your face is all I see. And when Your eyes are on this child, Your grace abounds to me. I want to take your Light and shine it all around, but first help me just to live it Lord.
The last couple weeks have been a doozy. In fact, this whole quarter has been a doozy. I've already written several thousand words of papers (about 14 pages total), and I have my Black Apron test (it's a verbal interview/test) 5:30am on Friday.

It's also week 9, which means it's time to start working toward finals... tonight (right now) I am attending a CLUE session (a sort of TA-led review) for Geology extra credit. I will be doing the same thing next Wednesday and Thursday.

The bonus of that is that now I can hang out with Kris in between. :) I like her living here... Today, we got dinner, wandered some book stores, got coffee and went to her house to read. (Oh- and of course I needed this picture with the ella-font)

(We got Mexican Mochas again at Trabant... they make me laugh. No offense mom- I'm glad we are facebook friends.)

This is Memorial Way, the street I showed you last week and mentioned how much I love at dusk.. well, guess where I got to walk by, right at dusk. It really is the little things that make life a delight.

And as I headed to Mary Gates for CLUE, I came across the Quad, over the weekend it burst into blossoms (this was my first glance since Friday)
I procrastinated like never before, but the paper is written, printed and in the hands of my Architecture professor.

I'm sitting in Geology and thinking of all the fun I'd like to be having already with my friends, one especially, Courtney Jane.

I just kept thinking about her last night- even before she started texting me. ;)

I love how she is always up for an adventure.

I love that she reminds herself (and me) that ultimately what matters is what brings God glory.

I love that she is passionate.

I love that she values love, and seeks to learn what it really means to walk it out.

I love that we regularly decorate friends cars together,
that we'll sneak under a fence to watch the sunset from a field, that we'll buy ice cream for nearly any purpose, she's one of the first to truly catch a random ferry with me when I suggest it, that she'll have "cookies and milk" time with me on a long drive home from California... even if it takes multiple stops to find milk. I love that she is moved by the voice of the Lord, touched by the beauty He created, passionate about the life He planned and caring about the people He surrounded her with.

I love that God's blessed me with her friendship over the past year.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Lunch with two of my best friends.

A four hour nap.

A great-tasting dinner with mom, kris and the twins.

A delicious berry-noted red wine.

Me and my MacBook; 750-1000 words to write about the beauty and detail of Michelangelo's Campidoglio in Rome.

I may have procrastinated. I may have a long night ahead. But I can't say I'm regretting it just yet, because I am drinking a great glass of merlot and contemplating the beauty of Rome that haunts my heart, to the melodic story-telling of Brandi Carlile. This is a good night, the best follow-up to a good day.
Spring has sprung.

Last week we christened the quad with a picnic. The sun was (sorta) out. The weather was warm (enough), and a student was playing his guitar under a tree. It was just enough to make my heart smile in expectation of the lovely season that's strolling in with sunshine. :)

On another note, kristin moved out last weekend, as most of you can pull together from my dramatic last blog. Man, there really is nothing like a sister. I didn't realize how strongly it was going to hit me, not having Krissy-Poo down the hall to bug at night or sneak away with for morning coffee or cause any other mayhem with. :/ I sat on the floor and cried like a little girl, which itself managed to pull up painful memories and caused more crying. As a friend recently commented on me (to me), and rightly so, I hate crying. I know, who likes it, right? Well, there are some. It just tired me out and I ended up calling it an early night. I thought I'd just confess that evening to you all, since I think 99.8% of you have yet to see me cry- I don't want you all thinking I'm heartless. ;)

I think it was all made worse because I had such a fun Friday and Saturday with my sis. Friday I went along while she got her keys. Then we ended up getting a quick bite and watching When in Rome (mistake- now I REALLY want to go to Italy!!). Then Saturday, after work, I helped her move all day and we ended the night at Thai Tom on the Ave for dinner and then at Trabant... possibly our favorite new coffee shop.

Trabant has these books/public journals that we spent literally a couple hours reading through and laughing - hard. The next morning we were wide awake hours earlier then we needed to be, so I showered and we walked down to the Ave to find some coffee and breakfast before church. It was the perfect way to start the day. I'm so grateful for my sisters, both of them.

("It's meeee")