I haven't blogged much this week, because it hasn't been an easy week. There have been a few thoughts I've felt moved to share, but when it came to it I just didn't feel like I could.

I've just finished the final words of Perpetua and I am so moved by the faithfulness of the Lord. Even that He had me reading this book through this week is His faithful hand on my life. It is strange that we feel so entitled to the things we do. We think it is normal, but it ought not to be. We should not feel so entitled to the life we do. Even the idea of "Spring Break." As students, we think it is our priviledge and right to have a "relaxing and fun week." The whole country has idealized the idea. And we all commit to it to some degree. Yesterday I was thinking, 'This is not how I expected to spend my spring break.' But today, I'm just shocked by my silly selfishness. Why should we deserve a spring break? Why should we expect such comfortable lives and delicate treatment? Why is it that the disciples of Christ followed Him into martyrdom, and were told by Jesus directly not to be surprised when they were hated by the world? Hated.

I receive love by so many. I turn, and I feel loved. Not because of me- trust me. Yet, when I feel pain or hurt, I reply, "I didn't expect this." Why not? Yes, the Lord is good, and I do not want to walk through life expecting bad things. But is pain, a bad thing? I'm just not sure. I want to say that my life will be touched at every corner with the blessings of the Lord- and I believe it actually will, but I don't want to declare that those blessings will always be comfortable, sweet commodities. The story of Perpetua is of a young woman, my exact age, who faced all the fears I am currently facing... though different forms. Still, I can't imagine the Lord showing me a better story to help give me courage and remind me that my life is not my own. And I ought not to grasp it, nor demand comfort. The martyrs saw their death as a blessing. Indeed, Paul considered each of his beatings, drownings, stonings, and eventual death to be the blessing and goodness of the Lord. He counted it a blessing to share in the sufferings of the Lord. The martyrs of early Christianity declared in their deaths, "God is good." Quite literally.

What is wrong with our Christianity today? Oh Lord, let me respond to whatever level of suffering you allow to touch my life, with dignity and nobility of heart, as a daughter to God, and a true bride to Jesus. Change me heart to value what You value, and to desire what You desire. Let me seek you and find you. You said ask and it will be given... let me have the courage to ask for the greatest in your eyes, not the easiest in my own.

Let whatever suffering we each taste not be wasted, but let it draw us into deeper intimacy with you, sharing in your suffering that we may be baptized in it, and taste deeper life with you. Let us seek you, and find you.. in whatever we taste today, not putting it off in hopes that tomorrow will be easier, more comfortable, less busy.


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Perpetua, by Amy Rachel Peterson

Buy it on Amazon.
Read it on Google Books (be warned, good pieces missing...)
A brief bibliographyof Perpetua and her fellow martyr, Felicitas thanks to Wikipedia.

"There is nothing like weakness and danger to bring me into constant communion with God."

"That's true," she agreed quietly, to the stone wall and potted flowers we crowded up against, making way for another litter to pass. "Loneliness as well."

(Perpetua, 121)
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Sometimes it is just weakness, and the danger of yourself that drives you into constant communion with God. I'm hungry to be like Him... but I feel less like Him than ever. And I feel less able to act like Him than ever. I'm in desperate need of His strength- I'm searching, and I'm also just waiting for that glorious exchange- my weakness for His strength. My selfish desires for His ultimate plan and ultimate self-sacrificing Spirit.... the Spirit of Sonship that says "Not my will, but Yours be done."


I'm longing for a garden lately. I know that the curriculum of my classes are not seperate from His orchestration of my life. I know that the sunshine and blossoming flowers and the sweet thoughts in my heart that are dwelling on all the memories in my mother's beautiful garden, and the class this morning where I learned about all the beautiful and unbelievable gardens of England are part of His workings in my heart. I know the promise of spring is near- around me, and inside me. I want to hide away in a garden and smell nothing but sweetness, hear nothing but the music of a fountain, and see tangible beauty around me. Beauty that is organized, cared for and tended, but uncontrived. Beauty that is silent, not shouting in an attempt to be seen or to be the center. No, beauty that is created and is beautiful by nature and be the careful tending of another.

I will not contend with others. I will not fight to be the focus or shout for attention. And my spirit is longing to be that kind of beauty that rests and is seen and smelt and real, not contrived. I want to surround myself with that kind of beauty and escape the noise of other attempts to be seen, noticed, praised, adored and all the rest. It's just too much to be around sometimes, tiring and discouraging. It seeks to diminish (or hide) the beauty all around in order to point out it's own loveliness. And when you are what is around, it seeks to make you forget your own... and to blind others to your virtues. You begin to believe you are unspectacular, dull, lacking what it would take to do anything great.

And the ugliness and darkness and pain- that is even worse (eg, all the Noir lit and films I've had to watch). Spring break couldn't come soon enough. I need to be immersed in Light and sweetness- the sweetness of the Living God. I need to find myself in a garden, just Him and me... and be so silent that I can hear Him remind me who He sees me as... remind me of my gentle, strong beauty. Remind me that He gives beauty for ashes.

Oh Lord, You are what it means to be beautiful.


Temple of Apollo, Stourhead Garden, England

Book Recommendation:

Perpetua

By Amy Rachel Peterson

I'm only about 100 pages in (and have book club tonight- whoops), but this book is ministering so deeply to me. Cami selected it for our book club and I couldn't be more grateful. Though fictionally fashioned, the book is a rendering of Via Perpetua's life based on her journals. I want to get my hands on her journals so badly now! At the age of twenty-two she was martyred in Carthage, along with 5 other Christians. I'm seeing Jesus anew in so many beautiful ways. I'm beginning to even thirst a little for persecution. The little things that I call suffering seem so petty, but at the same time, this book manages to convince you that it's not.

He must increase, but I must decrease. What a joy I have to be both Your bride and Your friend, who rejoices when You find the bride. Help me rejoice in all You have joy in, even if to me it is a painful act of suffering, of decreasing. If it brings You joy, let it bring me joy, I whispered in my heart. (Perpetua, 112)

Sometimes, she echoes the words in my own heart, for just two weeks ago I began repeating in my heart, "What brings You glory brings me joy." And more of the time, it reveals the huge lack in me. Last week at Bible Study we read the Beatitudes. I'm so grateful for the way of the Lord- for WHO He is. He always supplies a way. In the Beatitudes, He lists all these blessings of these astounding character qualities, that just get better and better. But which of those qualities can I really, undoubtably claim that I own? It's then that I can claim the first of them at least: I am poor in Spirit. And from there, He works in us to add the others... always a process, but thankfully He is faithful to complete the work He's begun. This is my peace (though I let myself lose it far too commonly).

(Here's a link to a biography of Saint Perpetua)