We're busy. Dear God we are busy!

And I can't help but think, this is the time for us.

This is the time for us to volunteer.  To throw off excuses. To be wildly passionate about something.  To follow through.  To do what we say.  To say what we feel.  To feel something for someone else.  For a stranger.

I'm going to.

Because I can't help but think this is the time.

Don't waste your life.  Don't waste your youth.

Graham Cooke

‎"To say YES to Jesus we must also say no to something else. A YES is always accompanied by a no. To be a world class musician, athlete, or actor, it means you have to know what your distractions are going to be and have a plan to overcome them.

We have to affirm the need for person discipline and develop a desire for it. We have to endure hardness, learn to persist when people around us want to give up, and cultivate perseverance as a way of life. Some people call it obsession because it suits their own purpose. It's PASSION - an intense enthusiasm for something, and it requires disciplined pursuit and a focus of intention that mediocre people never attain."

[via Braden, via Linda & Laurie]

I love writing. 

To the point that I get giddy in my head when I get a challenge, and get to play.

Giddy. 

I want to be an expert writer.  Know every rule.  And know how and when to break it.  I want to be able to change and shape my voice like a ventriloquist, throwing characters against the wall.  I want to be able to represent people with style and clarity and grace and humor, as they would themselves wish to be represented.  I want to sound like them when I write for them.  Whether they are my client or my character. 

You want to talk about a goal for this year?  How about become a better writer. 

Excerpts from an article in the New York Times on recent graduates.

"...Most successful young people don’t look inside and then plan a life. They look outside and find a problem, which summons their life....Most people don’t form a self and then lead a life. They are called by a problem, and the self is constructed gradually by their calling.

The graduates are also told to pursue happiness and joy. But, of course, when you read a biography of someone you admire, it’s rarely the things that made them happy that compel your admiration. It’s the things they did to court unhappiness — the things they did that were arduous and miserable, which sometimes cost them friends and aroused hatred. It’s excellence, not happiness, that we admire most.

Finally, graduates are told to be independent-minded and to express their inner spirit. But, of course, doing your job well often means suppressing yourself. As Atul Gawande mentioned during his countercultural address last week at Harvard Medical School, being a good doctor often means being part of a team, following the rules of an institution, going down a regimented checklist.

Today’s grads enter a cultural climate that preaches the self as the center of a life. But, of course, as they age, they’ll discover that the tasks of a life are at the center. Fulfillment is a byproduct of how people engage their tasks, and can’t be pursued directly. Most of us are egotistical and most are self-concerned most of the time, but it’s nonetheless true that life comes to a point only in those moments when the self dissolves into some task. The purpose in life is not to find yourself. It’s to lose yourself."


Go read this whole article on Braden's blog. (Beware of excerpts. Read the article)

Copy of Stradivar,
Made in Germany
ca. 1920

Love.

Ever wonder what was running through David's armor bearer's mind when he decided they could take their enemy? Or when the armies of Israel first realized in some battle, "Hey- we're routing them- He's actually doing it!" Or when David was selecting his five smooth stones?

I think I might have just shared their thought. "He could do this." "He just MIGHT really do this!" That turning moment, when you look up and look out and realize something is shifting in front of you. It's probably the thought Peter had when he put his feet on the water- about two seconds before he looked down.

I stepped out in obedience. But it's like NOW I'm having that shifting moment where I'm realizing God could totally do this. Sounds ridiculous, right? Of course He can. But when you've allowed yourself to dream something impossible, and then suddenly, in your deepest heart, you start to truly believe He's willing and able and He just might use you to do it- that's the most amazing LIFE-full moment I've experienced yet. I don't have to stand on a cliff, ride on a roller coaster, kiss a boy or jump from a plane to feel alive- I just have to believe that the God of the universe put these passions in my heart, these dreams in my mind and these words in my mouth and that He is planning to accomplish them through the vessel He's hidden them in. It's the glory of God to conceal a matter! It's the glory of God to conceal a matter in the heart of a young woman and watch her wrestle with it, cry for it, fast for it, hunger for it, and one day believe it. It's the glory of kings to seek that mystery out- it will be my glory to watch that mystery break out of this broken vessel that's been carrying it around for years.

Hey guys, it could happen. He just might do it. And I have a feeling... He's already begun it.

Linda, I think I'm suddenly realizing what "alert expectancy" means... yes, these tears seem to confirm it. I asked this morning, "God, what does it mean for me to live in alert expectancy? Alert for what? What am I supposed to be expecting? WHAT?"

"For me to actually accomplish the dreams of your heart Kati- the dreams of OUR hearts Kati."

Last night, at homegroup we watched The Passion of the Christ. I'd been dreading it for days. That movie is so remarkably painful and I feel like such a wretch after. Last night, it was different. There were moments I almost wanted to laugh or just start praising out loud. Truly! I've always watched the film focusing on the fact that I put Him there; I crucified Christ; it was my sins; I've mocked Him by my behavior. My God, who I love, had to endure unbelievable torture because of me.

Last night, I just kept hearing the Lord say, "I chose this, for you." Yes, I put Him there... but He chose it! Jesus is not the victim of our sin, He is the overcomer of our sin! Christ took on that suffering, he knew the pain of the cross so that I might know it too, but not just that, so that I would share in the joy of His resurrection! DeVerne Fromke says, "Once we know the grace of God, we know the joy of sins forgiven." That's what I felt last night.

I didn't laugh, and I didn't cry out, but instead I sat in a somber rooms with others- all crying. But my tears of pain from what I saw were mixed with a joy of the victory Christ was accomplishing. He loved me. He chose that for me, for the unworthy me... He knew my sins, and He chose the cross. I can't say it enough, I'm just overwhelmed by His love and Goodness!

Goodness has been a theme the past few weeks for me, rediscovering what it means. As I've written recently, goodness is not just cmofort and ease and soft happy thoughts. Goodness is connected to righteousness (I don't fully grasp how), Goodness IS the will of the Father. And for Jesus, Goodness was death on a cross! For the Martyrs, like the majority of His disciples and Perpetua, Goodness was a painful death as well. They counted it a joy to share in His sufferings.

I was sort of surprised b myself that while I wanted to look away through the most terrible scenes of His passion, I also wanted nothing more than to stare into His eyes... hoping to see past the actor and catch a glimpse of the real eyes of Jesus. When the man who was made to help carry His cross looked into His eyes, my heart responded, "How blessed!" I wanted to look into HIs eyes, it compelled me through the second half of the film. I've always wanted to look into the eyes of Jesus, but now, I want to do so at that moment of His passion... what would they say? I think there would be love like I've never known or imagines, pain, but also joy and celebration. The eyes of a man who is overcoming.

Lord, let us be somber in the reality that You were beaten 'til you were unrecognizable, but let us not stop there. Let us rejoice- because You really did love us, enough to embrace your cross, to plead for forgiveness for your murderers. You chose to die, that we might live with You. Let us live with You.

Thank you Jesus. How small that sounds, but let it fill our hearts. Thank you.

Love

Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here:"
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on Thee."
Love took my hand and, smiling, did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord; but I have marred them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "Who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

George Herbert

I haven't blogged much this week, because it hasn't been an easy week. There have been a few thoughts I've felt moved to share, but when it came to it I just didn't feel like I could.

I've just finished the final words of Perpetua and I am so moved by the faithfulness of the Lord. Even that He had me reading this book through this week is His faithful hand on my life. It is strange that we feel so entitled to the things we do. We think it is normal, but it ought not to be. We should not feel so entitled to the life we do. Even the idea of "Spring Break." As students, we think it is our priviledge and right to have a "relaxing and fun week." The whole country has idealized the idea. And we all commit to it to some degree. Yesterday I was thinking, 'This is not how I expected to spend my spring break.' But today, I'm just shocked by my silly selfishness. Why should we deserve a spring break? Why should we expect such comfortable lives and delicate treatment? Why is it that the disciples of Christ followed Him into martyrdom, and were told by Jesus directly not to be surprised when they were hated by the world? Hated.

I receive love by so many. I turn, and I feel loved. Not because of me- trust me. Yet, when I feel pain or hurt, I reply, "I didn't expect this." Why not? Yes, the Lord is good, and I do not want to walk through life expecting bad things. But is pain, a bad thing? I'm just not sure. I want to say that my life will be touched at every corner with the blessings of the Lord- and I believe it actually will, but I don't want to declare that those blessings will always be comfortable, sweet commodities. The story of Perpetua is of a young woman, my exact age, who faced all the fears I am currently facing... though different forms. Still, I can't imagine the Lord showing me a better story to help give me courage and remind me that my life is not my own. And I ought not to grasp it, nor demand comfort. The martyrs saw their death as a blessing. Indeed, Paul considered each of his beatings, drownings, stonings, and eventual death to be the blessing and goodness of the Lord. He counted it a blessing to share in the sufferings of the Lord. The martyrs of early Christianity declared in their deaths, "God is good." Quite literally.

What is wrong with our Christianity today? Oh Lord, let me respond to whatever level of suffering you allow to touch my life, with dignity and nobility of heart, as a daughter to God, and a true bride to Jesus. Change me heart to value what You value, and to desire what You desire. Let me seek you and find you. You said ask and it will be given... let me have the courage to ask for the greatest in your eyes, not the easiest in my own.

Let whatever suffering we each taste not be wasted, but let it draw us into deeper intimacy with you, sharing in your suffering that we may be baptized in it, and taste deeper life with you. Let us seek you, and find you.. in whatever we taste today, not putting it off in hopes that tomorrow will be easier, more comfortable, less busy.


~~~~~~
Perpetua, by Amy Rachel Peterson

Buy it on Amazon.
Read it on Google Books (be warned, good pieces missing...)
A brief bibliographyof Perpetua and her fellow martyr, Felicitas thanks to Wikipedia.

Rick Pino actually does come to a city and turn it upside down.
---

A voice is not an echo. You want to know how to get a voice? Get an ear.

Even small voices can shake a nation.

You and I today are still being pierced by the voice of John the Baptist.

Grip hearts Lord! Make us burning shining lamps- with voices sent by God!

He is looking for someone to get an ear and just begin to release His voice.

According to your desire will be the level of your voice. You are a voice, but it's up to you how loud, pure, precise you want that voice to be.

Voices are hinges that connect the old and the new. With one word, the dead are being raised, the deaf are hearing. kids go from being suicidal to being movers and shakers.

This is not something He takes lightly, He is placing His words in your mouth. He doesn't just give it to any passer-by. He gives it to men and women who are hungry, who are thirsty. His eyes are roaming, looking for the ones who do not care about the cost, denying earthly pleasures, finding pleasures of the King.

Voices don't care to be faces.

-Rick Pino

I want to write. No more papers, no more analysis of this film or that book, or how this character typifies this cultural dynamic. I want to write something pure and revealed, something that more then excites: something that awakens and ignites (me and the reader!). I want it to be like fire pouring through me- into me; out of me.

I want that fire to go through my veins and my mind and burn through the chaff that's the residue of the past 3 years of assignments and mediocre writing. God, I want to be re-enlisted, re-assigned to the original assignment. I want the clarity and fluidity of my voice to come back, and to deepen.

I just read something James wrote on passion: raw passion versus refined passion. I'm not certain, but it seems to me passion becomes refined through being tested and tempered by trials. We have to take that raw passion and take risks, calculated risks. I want refined passion: passion that faces controversy and the frustrations of hopes delayed--- and keeps hoping. My passion may still be raw, but I won't let it burn out....and as the fire continues I know the coals will begin to burn fiercer and fiercer, until my passion is refined.

Lord, my hope is in you. I 'study to show myself approved,' but I know that unless you inspire my writing, my words will only be more verbal pollution in this world. Come and let your presence fill this place.