Thursday, October 29, 2009

I'm always astounded by David. His courage to call himself righteous, blameless... and so on. To tell the Lord to search him, confident he'll be found spotless. I read some of the Psalms and I go silent. I think it was in one of those moments last week that I asked the Lord to humble me again. I know I need humility- I need reality about who I am, and who He is.

I'm sure you've all heard it said that when you ask the Lord to humble you, He always does. Well, I knew that as I said it. What I'd somehow managed to forget is that when you are humbled... you feel dirt. I want the Lord to search my heart, not because I'm confident He'll find me spotless, but because I want to BE spotless. "Search me and know me" is the major cry of my heart tonight.

You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. Psalm 18:35

Aww, I love this verse for the first time. The shield of His salvation, and His right hand right now supporting me. And His gentleness in dealing with me is my hope.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. Psalm 17:15

When I awake. Lord, make me not a child. Grow me up into you.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

For the daughter of the melody and light:

Someone brushed her arm with theirs, another’s strong cologne reached around her. She could feel people pressed close all around, yet her heart felt untouchable and her thoughts a million miles from any of these faces. She closed her eyes tight and tried again to offer all these thoughts up.

The night before she’d looked up at the stars, smiling and feeling wide open. Whatever this was in her heart, it couldn’t be shaken. She wished she could hear the stars. Standing at the car, head tilted back she'd become convinced that the constellations knew the song in her heart and if she could only listen to a star as it fell across the sky, she might be free. It would loose its hold on her. She’d be able to let go. She’d be known, and understood, a daughter of the melody and light.

A song could always make her cry, make her feel not alone, not an oddity. The right rifts could answer questions, for a moment. The music could always come so close to being right, but never really release her. Still, it was in the music she looked.

This morning she stood in the music, stood in the praise. And she begged herself to open to the King. She struggled within herself, all the while knowing the answer would have to come from outside. It would have to come from the King. She was postured to fight for it, her hands in fists, her eyes to heaven.

Just then the lyrics disappeared, and there was nothing for her to say. The instruments gave way and one sound rang out. The electric guitar let loose in the hands of a musician, the hands of a father creating the mystery in music that could loose the captive heart of one so small and hurting. She breathed deep. She let go. She didn’t even know the fullness of change, the melody of light flooding into her heart, her soul, her spirit. The song of the stars had escaped for a brief moment. She opened her eyes and with a smile said, “That’s my dad.”

“LIGHT MELODY”. I created this image as a tribute to a bright side of life. A woman dressed in a soft and flooded skirt, which is inspired by a costume of ballet dancers of the beginning of the19th century. Natural gray and white colors represent innocence and are in contrast with a highly emotional background. Sun streams into the room the moment she turns around and dancing, plays the last note. Heavy curtains part to let sunbeams in. I painted drapes in an abstract manner to show the immense importance of a bright light that symbolizes hope.
Lena Sotskova

Friday, October 23, 2009

Wonder. Realizing that I really DO need some of it, because I'm becoming too enamored by things of considerable beauty. To explain, a shooting star is exciting. In fact, it can make you night if you see one, seal that evening in your memory. However, when you watch a meteor shower, you learn that the shooting star is beautiful and spectacular, but mostly in the way it reminds you of the meteor shower. :/

I'm doing a terrible job of this. Its hard to find examples, because the truth is I LOVE finding wondrous beauty in the small things in life and I don't want to downplay them, but I DO want to make the point that something kind of common in beauty is overshadowed when you suddenly come face to face with a true WONDER. You know?

And lately, I'm just too enamored by what really should be the 'common beauty.'

This all sparked because Courtney just sent me a text, and told me she'd just wished on her eyelash that God would give her and I some wonder tonight... and I realized that wonder really is exactly what we need this evening. We need fresh perspective... childlike eyes. wonder.

Okay, I may have just failed at conveying my thought.... but I will leave it for today and perhaps try again once I have more time.. and a clearer explanation.

Peace. Really though.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Before the workers rise from their beds, before the sun turns the skies golden red, you cover the land with your rain, you let the clouds shed all their praise... and with them I make my praise plain.

[Sitting here in the UVillage Starbucks, waiting for the sun to come up and fine tuning my Architecture paper...did I mention this beautiful rain? Rain is so much better in the dark of night or early morning dawn. Good morning friends- may your today be truly blessed with His love and friendship.]

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"There is no moral authority like that of sacrifice."

"As fish that swim under the weight of many dark fathoms look like any other fish but on careful examination are found to have no eyes, so writers, looking pretty much like other human beings, but moving deep under the surface of human lives, have at least some faculties of supra-observation and hyperperception not known to others. If a writer does not go down and use these- why, he's just a blind fish."

"There is no forgetting how we could live if only we could find the way."

Nadine Gordimer, The Essential Gesture

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My Heart Takes Deep Breaths

My heart takes deep breaths,
Preparing my desires for another death.
Bracing itself for the years it might wait,
Drawing strength to face its written fate.
Slowing the speed of my dreams
That race away at each new scene,
Studying the script and each character's face.
If slow and steady wins the race,
Deep breaths win with Hepburn grace.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Chances are all of you have a "Kati(e/y)" in your life, so this should come as no surprise to you when I tell you that Katrina means "Pure One, Beloved." As such, I've always felt that purity is a sort of responsibility I need to learn to live up to, or rather, a quality I need embody. But I've found it's not easily understood what exactly God sees as Purity.

I know purity is defined as "Without Mixture" and most of us view it as this ilucent beauty, untouched and undirtied. To be pure, I've thought I must keep myself apart, avoid anything that might 'soil' me. But this understand was confronted when I went to the University and discovered that I was going to have to face a number of "dirty" things.... topics, discussions, conversations, literature...

My dad played a further role in offending my idea of "pure" when he challenged my basic understanding. It was then that the Lord began to show me verses like "This is pure and spotless religion, to care for the orphan and the widow." Let me tell you first hand, caring for the orphan, isn't clean and pretty. Sorry to disrupt ideals here. Christ spent his time with the prostitutes, tax collectors and sinners. He stirred up the dirt. And yet, if we know nothing else about purity, we KNOW He was pure. So our basic understanding of purity seems to fall not only short, but I've found that if I hold on to my concept of purity as it is now, I will never really fulfill HIS description of purity that I see walked out in scripture. I have shadows thus far and that is all, I know something about purity has to do with having no dualism in us. Its not in NOT seeing or touching the dirt- its in truly seeing Christ as the center of EVERYTHING and recognizing where there is distortion, and bringing light to those dark places. It's carrying a presence with us that unbends the bent, and realigns where the enemy has twisted and distorted. I know it surrounds this heart that is Christ-centered and has no dualism.

This was all sparked by a silly comment of someone regarding my purity of mind... but its been in me for the past two days, a growing frustration with our misunderstanding of purity...with MY lack of understanding of it. I want to be pure, and while I can look at characters like the great saint and see purity, I can't quite put my hands around it. So today, I am beginning my word study of purity. I especially want to know what exactly the Greek words mean when we are told that Christ is waiting for a pure and spotless bride, without blemish or wrinkle.... because wrinkle here stumps me. I am ready to have my understanding be offended again. And if this is what He is waiting for us to become, we better make sure we really get it.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

I'm thinking on some of my favorite authors and quotes (a common tactic for when I have to read literature I dislike for school...'a spoonful of Lewis helps the Modernism go down.') So I opened up The Great Divorce in search of 'the great saint.' I've been thinking a lot about that character lately, the woman who's very presence makes the children love their parents more purely, and husbands love their wives more deeply. She's one of my heroes quite truly, depicting true love and purity. She makes something stir in my heart and come alive. Like a little child, I see her and think "I want to be like her someday." But I have a lot of selfish ambition and desire to be rooted out of me yet...I love connecting others, introducing different friends of mine, or simply building bridges of relationship by speaking well of those in my life. When I meet new friends and realize how well they would get along with another friend of mine, I delight in introducing them and creating an environment where they can truly connect. However, I still love too much to be loved. If I am really going to be like that great saint, I cannot take love unto myself or for myself, it must flow through me swiftly and purely.

Tyson (one of the wisest young men I know!) mentioned the other day about his posturing when he interacts with girls. He literally adjusts his heart to make sure he is "giving hugs," not ever taking them. I was shocked a bit, and told him so. You see, of all the young men, he is so strongly the essence of a brother. Girls who hardly even have relationship with him describe HIM when others ask who they see as a big brother. He gives the "safest hugs" of anyone I know, meaning, I feel safe and at peace, and cared for. I DO feel like I've received a hug. What surprised me was his intentionality. I am proud to say its clearly conveyed, because what he hopes to do, he certainly does. The connection between that and what I am really trying to say is this: If I am to become like that great saint, and in other words who I feel called to be, I cannot 'take.' Sometimes in my heart, I still want to grasp... grasp onto friends and friendships, good reputation, comfort, my own plans... It's a common re-posturing of my heart to live freely, holding on only to the Lord and His promises to me. Thats really what the 'poem' below was about... re-posturing my heart to not grasp, but to hold onto something bigger, Him. I read about the great saint Lewis depicts, and I am re-envisioned, realigned, ready to sacrifice. Great stories of wonder can do that to a person, thats why I love stories, they change our perspective... drawing us out of the mundane day to day into something grandeur. We suddenly recognize the stakes are high, and we can afford to take great risk, and make great sacrifices. We live a great story when we surround ourselves with them.

Having said that, and bragged about one of my best friends for a moment, I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes, one that is working its way through me yet again:

When you own heart's been broken it will be time for you to think of talking. But someone must say in general what's been unsaid among you this many a year: that love, as mortals understand the word, isn't enough. Every natural love will rise again and live forever in this country: but none will rise again until it has been buried.
CS Lewis, The Great Divorce

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

I've gained a few new followers over the last week, and I thought I'd say hello. You are a few of my favorite girls and I look forward to sharing my thoughts, revelations, writings, and crazy happenings with you through my blog. Bless you guys!

It's a wonderful moment to tell you all how much I love you and appreciate you taking the time to read through here. I know it's not always the best quality of writing, or the funniest. I especially love your comments (hint, hint). You are such wonderful people and I am blessed to walk through life with you. You each challenge and bless me in different ways, encouraging, correcting, loving and affecting me in many unique ways. Thank you each for who you are in my life. Again, I am such a blessed young woman.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Something Bigger to Hold On To

I'll press into You, with every fear and tear and heartache
I'll press into You.
I'll return to You with every thought and prayer and breath I take
I'll return to You.

Each time my heart unfolds, I'll call Your name,
Run to you, know no shame, reveal the pain.
Hold me in Your everlasting love,
Give me something bigger to hold on to.

Tell me a story, a story of wonder
Of desire and sacrifice, men called after Thunder,
That my courage may stir, and my weak heart return
To a brighter fire than any man's may burn,
To a sweeter hope than any earthly dream,
To a greater love than my heart currently sings.

I'll press into You. I'll return. Run to You, for I'm Yours.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

It's so exciting to recognize that Father is daily transforming my mind, literally. This morning I think I grasped a new understanding of why He cares so much about stewardship. Ultimately, it all comes down to how we steward people. Doesn't everything come down to the people in our lives? Yes, God is first and it really all surrounds Him, but grant me this, just follow.

According to 2 Peter 3, we are waiting for a new heaven and earth. A fire is being reserved for the earth, and what will remain after that fire comes? Righteousness. The righteous. It's not ultimately about how we spend our money, its not His currency anyways. The final question isn't "did you recycle?" So why does He care SO much about how we steward our finances, jobs, gifts, talents, environment, semi-good cars, cell phones (yes, kicking myself here!), rooms, books....why does He care that we are good stewards?

Because good stewards, steward...what is put into their hands, be it $1000 or a human heart. If in the end, men and women are what remain, aren't they one of the highest examples of how good of stewards we are?

I am taking a risk here, and please do challenge this if you disagree...but as I understand it, God created this earth because He wanted US. right? He wants a family, He wants to share all the goodness that the trinity is, with mankind.

I want to be a good steward in the little things, so I can be a good steward in the big...His people, and Him. Truth remains, love remains, He remains...and you remain.

Friday, October 02, 2009

So many wonders.

Life and loviness.

I don't really even know what I'm talking about-- I think its more my heart speaking. But yes, life is full of wonder and beauty, mysteries that force us to run to the edge, trusting we wont fall off...or will, but that we'll land in something grand. Sometimes I wish I could rip open my life for all of you, not speak in code and "larger picture" words, but wisdom is a virtue ;) And besides, the "larger picture" conversations allow me to give you the gold at the end of my roads, without dragging you through the potholes. Hopefully, these posts help to transfer something from my specific situations, into yours, whatever they be.

I promised myself this would be a short blog, for I have officially begun my senior year, and the homework is already heavy upon me. With a number of commitments, and a desire to spend myself in some new ways too, I have to spend each minute where it is best invested, not where is convenient (or where I am pressured by friends to spend it--- though my heart is absolutely to be with them). So, here are my quick thoughts to fill those of you who read this to know whats going on in my life (aka, Kimberly Dawn):

I am very excited about my classes this quarter:
Honors English Seminar, which focuses on how literature interacts with cultural crisis. I think this will be one of the most important classes I take in all my college years. We are delving into the recent political situations in South Africa, and the different approaches writers took to bring about change. I wish the instructor were a little more alive (and didn't lose the entire class by her babbling down at her notes), because this subject is who I am at my core! I know little about South African politics in the 1980s-- VERY LITTLE. And as of now, I know far too little in general about world politics, but one of my recent challenges from the Lord is to cast off fear based on what I don't know-- and not let it stop me from what I'm called to know. I NEED to know these things, and you have to start somewhere.

Its been a recent revelation that what I feel called to is absolutely political. For years I felt called to be a lawyer. For one case: protect. I am too passionate about protecting the broken and hurting, the children who are abused and broken, forgotten, unborn...too passionate to not be devoted to change. But, I realized that law school didn't line up with the other desires of my heart, and a courtroom didn't really seem like my battlefield. Thats when I started to realize that my pen is my tool to bring change. I've always kept my grades and activities in such a way that if God did call me to law school at some point, I wouldn't be discredited. You see, there is still this passion to affect our culture in a political way...

I will not be a politician, so I never stand when pastor norm calls those individuals to stand...but I've been feeling convicted lately for not. I still don't know how it will all play out, but what I DO know is this, I have a heart to see my nation restored, and I have been given a gift in some measure in writing, plus a whole lot of passion. I'm called to the people. This is what I know, and this is why I am thrilled to engage this honors course, I'm praying to uncover mysteries and strategies that even the professor is unaware of, as I ask Father: How do I as a writer serve my nation, amidst crisis?

If I knock, He'll open. And if I seek, He'll answer..... I have a lot of questions. I see a great deal of wonder, mystery and beauty about me, and I intend to affect it. :)

I have two other courses too:
Astronomy.... if you know me, you probably don't need me to tell you how excited I am about this course!!!
Architecture... if you know REALLY know me, you could also guess that this class (and as my dad would say, EVERY class) is thrilling to me. I took a course last year on architecture and absolutely loved the overarching study of buildings, and the changes in how people perceived and attempted to create beauty- as well as what they found important, and what was even achievable. I especially became hooked as we reached the Gothic period in France and England. The abbot who is credited with 'creating' Gothic aimed to use the structure and aesthetic of the building to raise peoples eyes up, and recognize that all light and revelation came from God. His structure was beautiful. And watching as the technology involved with vaulting (ceilings) evolved and escalated with flying buttresses ...aww I came alive! I'd heard Mrs. Roberts talk about them in high school, but I didn't get why they were so exciting, until I watched over weeks and then suddenly saw how they opened up the structure and made it all more airy, light, beautiful. Its incredible how one person can have a revelation that changes everything! I want one of those revelations- actually, a few. I've been praying lately for solutions to real problems- for entrepreneurial ideas.

OKay, last comment and then on to homework: