Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What would you do if I wrote you a song...?

I am plagued by strange, random thoughts. The kind that just splash around in the pool in my head until I can finally give them a name, call them out, dry them off and send them on their way.

As of late, it's this, 'What happens to all the songs written for forgotten loves?'

I imagine this sad place of all the lovely songs written in love, passion, tenderness... never played for the adored and never meant for the unfeeling masses. Or perhaps, they are just left out in the air, ungrasped, unowned... let loose like a crow. Their sound only unwanted noise, heard over and over screeching through a closed window. Once written, always striving to be sung.

If I were a great Romantic poet, I'd liken it to some more powerful, desperately beautiful and forsaken bird. But today, I think it's a crow.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I was terrible. I read Byron instead. :)

from Stanzas for Music

....Oh! thine be the gladness, and mine be the guilt!
Forgive me, adored one! -forsake, if thou wilt; -
But the heart which is thine shall expire undebased.
And man shall not break it- whatever thou mayst.

And stern to the haughty, but humble to thee,
This soul, in its bitterest blackness, shall be;
And our days seem as swift, and our moments more sweet,
With thee by my side, than with worlds at our feet.

One sigh of thy sorrow, one look of thy love,
Shall turn me or fix me, shall reward or reprove;
And the heartless may wonder at all I resign-
Thy lip shall reply, not to them, but to mine.
<- My plans for the day.

The itinerary:
Terror in British Radical Culture by Robert Maniquis.
Creativity and the Childbirth Metaphor by Susan Stanford Friedman
Study for my Concert Season Midterm. (and take it).
Enjoy this lovely day.
Tell a few people how dear they are to me.
A quote for Kristin.

Monday, April 26, 2010

I LOVE the Spring Rain! I love the sound of it, I love the smell of it coming through my open window right now. I love running in it... so if you'll excuse me ;)

I love that this warm weather and those rain clouds hold a hope of thunder!!!

And if nothing more, I love that this rain is cleaning the air so my allergies are abated, and watering the ground so my momma's garden grows brighter and our grass stays green.

Thank you God for the rain!
Don't be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better.

...Don't look for shortcuts to God.... The way to life- to God!- is vigorous and requires total attention.

...Don't be impressed with charisma; look for character. Who preachers are is the main thing, not what they say. A genuine leader will never exploit your emotions or your pocketbook. These diseased trees with their bad apples are going to be chopped down and burned

Knowing the correct password - saying 'Master, Master,' for instance- isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience- doing what my Father wills. I can see it now- at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'

These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeownder improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit- but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.

When Jesus concluded his address, the crowd burst into applause. They had never heard teaching like this. It was apparent that he was living everything he was saying- quite a contrast to their religion teachers! This was the best teaching they had ever heard.

(Part of) Matthew 7, The Message

This is what we will be discussing tonight at bible study. I doubt we'll be able to make it very far.... but I'm ruminating in it right now, and I feel like someone's just tossed me in the dryer with a few rocks. It's one of those pieces of scripture where I am all amens... but then a wave of fear of God tingles down my spine, and I just want to cry. Oh Lord- let me be sincere- purge my motivations. Whether or not we like to admit it, our natural tendency is to work for what we want, and that means manipulating others, by our emotions, our silence, our laughter, our clothing, and most blantantly, our words. I don't want any of those things to be true of me- but at times, they are. The deeper my desire, the more I catch myself dropping into this tendency. It's the opposite of trust. Trust isn't clouds and daisies- it's concrete faith in the truth that God is bigger, deeper, stronger, wiser, greater, more committed to us then us, more loving then any earthly example ever shown (besides, Jesus). I feel like the whole first half of this chapter (in the Message at least) is addressing those ways we manipulate to get what we want... even try to manipulate God into letting us 'have our way.' But the truth is, He genuinely is already more committed to good for us then we are. He just is strictly opposed to short cuts. To our earthly minds, good is possessions and comfort and happiness. Even relationships become 'possessions.' But to Him, goodness is something that He works into us all at our cores, and from there works OUT into every piece of our lives. "Good" in our lives are not possessions. He adds all those things along our path, but then they are not possessions, they are tools and blessings to grow MORE goodness. That's the point of my revelation at least at this point (I'm only 23- it's probably quite shallow in comparison to the fulness of the truth).

I want trust, not short-cuts. Thats the confession of my mouth, and the cry of my heart... though its in a battle right now.

The Lord has been speaking over me the last week, 'Surrender yourself to the battle.' And by that, he doesn't mean, start fighting. If you know me, you've probably recognized a certain quality about me- I fight. There are so many who need someone to fight for them, and so many truths I've had to fight to hold onto, and other lies I've had to defeat. There has always been a battle, and I assume there always will be. The Lord has created me strong to fight and hold on. And this week, He's teaching me something new.

Remember the classic moment in Alladin, where Jasmine in deep anger shouts, "I am not a prize to be won" and we all cheered? Well... I am a prize to be won. That's what the Lord has spoken to me. 'Surrender yourself up as the prize of the battle' and you'll be Mine, because I ALWAYS win. That's what He told me last Sunday as I cried in worship, "Lord, I just want to be Yours."

It's so practical though, and I guess in that, it is a fight. But it's the fight to sit, to wait, to trust and watch for my God to work His victory out in my life. It's not running or hiding, its not convincing myself 'oh it probably won't happen, so don't get excited' as has been my habit. No, it's telling myself "Something is near, something wonderful, dream, keep your heart soft, and get excited!" "Don't try to figure it out- don't try to uncover the mystery before it's time- but KNOW that there is something on the other side of this night." I'm closer to the reality of many of my dreams then I ever would have guessed I'd be. I've put my name in the hats. I've been surrendered as the 'prize of the battle.' Linda Cline's encouragement to me to "live in alert expectancy" takes on yet another facet of the Lord's voice- alert expectancy is a posture of waiting and watching, of expecting. It's the posture you have when you sit at night, wrapped in a blanket, waiting for the sunrise. Alert expectancy.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

I've never cared for France.

All I knew was they were push-overs politically, stuck up socially, too skinny physically (not to mention too hairy), too nasaly vocally, and they owned ugly dogs.

That may be a bit harsher version, but as I said, I've never cared for France. Until this year. Studying the beautiful architecture France has to boast of, I began to soften up a bit. And today, I think I actually just felt compassion. I didn't quite realize you could feel compassion for an entire country... but I think I've just experienced it. I love literature (you should all know this by now- unless you've never met me, and this is your first time stumbling across my blog). I especially love Les Miserables and A Tale of Two Cities. I also love the work of the French and English Romantics. (Byron and Keats are my two favorites.) For this reason, I've decided to expand my senior thesis to include an interrogation of the literature produced during this period as a response to the French Revolution. As I'm sitting here reading about France and considering the violence of the revolution, and then the occupation of the Nazis as well as their long history.... I suddenly felt compassion and grace for them as a country. Isn't it funny to realize that just as the wounds in a person's life affect their decisions, countenance and personality, so too the wounds in a country's history will affect theirs? France has been through a great deal of violence, and yes, politically I disagree with them, but suddenly I can see so much more. Pieces are beginning to come together, I can see (in a small measure) how their revolutions and tyrannies and 'Terrors' have provoked their art and literature, and therefore the ideas that have shaped them. I can see how their decisions today come from these painful times, and the attempts of their philosophers to make sense of it all, soothe the wounds, and break the bondage.

Suddenly, I care for France. I would like to go, not just for the beautiful structures that stand there, but for the history and emotions and passions that structure France.

Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm beginning to believe the most important relationships in your life, are the ones that prove you wrong.

The friends who break all your expectations, and exceed your dreams. There are a couple in my life at the moment who keep responding in love, and grace, and understanding... when I expect the opposite. When I expect impatience, they respond with an abundance of patience. When I expect lies, they answer in sincerity. When I hope for answers, they keep their mystery. When I expect them to pull away, they wait right where they stood before.

This is starting to wear away at what I believe was a misconception about my future, and ultimately the love and goodness of God. I've worried about "fixing" my problems- making sure I'm confident, rooted perfectly in the love of the Lord, never manipulating, never interacting with others out of fear, always gentle, always sincere. I've worried about whether I will be able to be totally open and vulnerable someday. I've believed that to the degree I have these down before I get married, is the degree to which my marriage will be healthy and secure and blessed. To be blunt, I've worried that if I don't deal with certain fears, they will plague my relationship because they will doom my husband to do exactly what I fear.

I know this is the truth of bitter-root expectancy. But, this week I've realized something bigger- it is God who breaks our expectancy, and the man He has for me will be strong and able. The Lord CAN use that man to break my expectancy as well- I just need to keep my heart soft to be proven wrong.

I don't need to change my heart. I need to soften my heart- HE will change my heart. That is what I keep hearing from God- "I am willing and able. Only wait. It's already begun."

If the people in my life right now can stay, when I expect them to run... how much more my husband? I remember Aime telling me during her courtship process how blown away she was by how Robert truly was Christ to her. When she expected him to be hurt, or disgusted, or retaliate, he didn't. He got on his knees before her, and he looked at her with love.

Furthermore, trying to change my own expectations and my own heart right now, with the people in my life at this very moment, could in fact welcome pain the Lord never wanted me to have. It could reinforce the same expectations. I can't try to do it on my own, in my own time. He is the orchestrator... and He will bring those who are faithful enough to be trusted with restoring those yet broken places of my heart.

I'm softening my heart. I don't have to change it... I'm aware of my expectations. I'm aware they could cause trouble... but I am also aware that they are not the ultimate reality. And suddenly, I am aware that there is a man who God created with the joy, love, peace, patience, faithfulness, passion, strength and grace that make him willing and desiring to fight for me... even when it looks like he is fighting against me, fighting against my fears and hurts and expectations. He will be what my heart desires, and he won't be the things that have wounded me before... and that is why he will disprove me.

A soft heart. A trusting heart. A courageous heart, that gives, even when it sees the danger of pain. A surrendered heart... that is what He is working in me now. When it all comes down to it, that's all I've ever ultimately desired to be: Courageous in heart.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I need to write a limerick. A customer at my starbucks just gave me the assignment. Then he proceeded to tell me how he was a published poet.... wow, did Kristin come to work with me? ;)

In an interview last week, my sister was asked, "Tell me something interesting about you." To which she responded, "Well, I've been published. I don't really care, but it kills my sister who wants to be a writer, so I like to rub it in." She got a laugh. If you ask me, that was a brilliant response in so many ways. I just got a laugh too, when I told it to my customer as the explanation of my slightly bitter face to him.

This morning has been great. It's been busy, and tiring and a little long, but it's been one piece of a great week. Last night, at the last moment, Theresa and I ended up finally watching The Young Elizabeth (loved it!) and then I just slept over since we opened together this morning- yep, bright and early for us. It's always wonderful when I get time to spend with T (while not at work). Rare, but wonderful.

Now, I'm studying at CP Sbux until my long-awaited lunch date with Kim (Rankin)!! Then it's a fun afternoon with Els, and then homegroup! I'm telling you- this is a great week! I continue to be blessed by time with amazing people- the greatest in fact. I love the friendships I have- and how they continue to grow.

The Lord is still speaking to me about not trying to figure things out- and I keep failing as I catch myself trying to uncover information. I don't need to know, not right now. I just need to enjoy where I am, as Kristin reminded me yesterday.

Also, I need to repent over and over and over and beg for my dad's forgiveness for forgetting HIS BIRTHDAY yesterday!!!! :( Love you. Mean it.

I have the greatest dad- truly. Those of you who know him, know his wonderful sense of humor, his forgiving ways, his caring heart, his endearing grumpiness, and the way he ultimately melts. He's not one to be walked on, but he's been so good with us girls to listen and learn and at times, apologize. My dad has taught me two incredible lessons: 1. be strong, don't back down. 2. apologize, forgive, and value love more than being right. From the earliest of days, I've tried to match him stubborn will for stubborn will... and from almost as early, I've followed in his other tendency- forgive and apologize quick. Supposedly, there is a picture of little 4 year old me face-off with my daddy- both our wrinkled foreheads in full display. I love those two features of our relationship. They are certainly two of the top qualities I'll be looking for in the 'other' man of my life. I love you daddy. Thanks for teaching me to be strong- and all the ways that means.

(XXOO Kati Lady).

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I just enjoyed one of the most wonderful mornings... slept in til 9. Went on a run, got a coffee and walked back along the trail. It was incredible, it was time to think and praise the Lord, and process where my heart is at. Time to surrender, to admit how things are, and to pass all the things I'm carrying over to hands far more capable than my own.

Now it's off to work with my favorite shift. I'm really looking forward to this week- it holds so many delightful moments!!

Love you all- be blessed in not knowing and enjoy the mystery. Life is a delight, and good things have been planned for you. Only wait and enjoy the wonder...

Monday, April 19, 2010

Sunshine on my window makes me happy, BUT sunshine on my shoulders makes me tan!!

Sunday, April 18, 2010

My garden is me: wild, with borders.
My mom.

Perhaps that is part of why us girls feel so at home in our yard, it's an expression of our mother. And perhaps, a bit of an expression of us too. Whatever it is, I love few things more than spending a morning on the porch swing, coffee in hand, just being there. I might have a book, a journal, or absolutely nothing. It's a lovely place. It's a wild place with borders. It's a safe place. It's an enchanting place. It's a place that's always changing, moving, growing, nurturing, loving, and receiving. It is where I am about to go sit right now, with a blanket and a hot cup of coffee.

Thank you mom for how you've poured you into your garden. I am grateful the Lord gave it to you, and for the revelation He's given you about it. And I'm grateful that He created you to be such a nurturing and loving woman, one who loves to create and transform, one who turns the things she touches into something beautiful. And also one who loves to have fun in the process. One who is wild, with borders. I'm grateful you've trained us girls to be the same.

Love you. And love mornings like this, in your garden.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

I turned around to see the voice that was speaking to me. And when I turned I saw seven golden lampstands, and among the lampstands was someone “like a son of man,” dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. In his right hand he held seven stars, and out of his mouth came a sharp double-edged sword. His face was like the sun shining in all its brilliance.

When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades.

Revelation 1:12-18

I've been thinking... I want to hear the voice of rushing waters. I was in worship, and as the music swept over me and washed around me, I just let go. I rested in it. And it was in the midst of that moment that I thought I heard the voice of rushing waters. As of now, I think it sounds something like a piano.

Today, I'm just trying to write the sound of the rain drops outside my window and it seems too grand a feat for my pen. It's moments like now that I wish I played an instrument.

So rather than writing, I'm just sitting here dwelling on the passage above. I want to see the eyes that blaze fire and hear the voice of rushing waters. As of late, I feel like I've been remembering who I am. Things I hadn't forgotten, but as I'd watched others develop certain interests and affections that I've had, I stopped really considering them my own. I can't explain it. One is the stars. Not just the abstract romantic idea of the stars, more the heavens. I can't remember not loving what the night sky reveals of the heavens. We were still living in Edmonds, so I wasn't yet 5 when my uncle stood with me in the driveway and pointed out the Seven Sisters, Cassiopia, Orion and others. I don't remember why he was over, or why we were standing out in the driveway, but I've never forgotten staring up at the stars that night. When I was in 10th grade my dad and I laid out in the yard and watched what will likely be the greatest meteor shower of the century. We counted 108 shooting stars in one hour. I've never seen anything so spectacular. I remembered two nights ago, the stars are still mine. They're as precious to me now (again) as they were before I ever watched another discover them.

I had a dream last Monday night, and it started with me staring at the moon. It was night and the only night that could even come close to the beauty of the sky in that dream was the night of the meteor shower. I stared at this huge magnificent moon, and then suddenly it started to swirl and I looked to the right and there was another moon. I asked some friends, "What is that?!" When they all responded, "The moon," I pointed to the moon- beside it. As we all stared in wonder, this magnificent orb began to dance and spread out across the sky. As that one circle spread, it became irredescent so you could see through it... like a fine cloud. Only they were swirling and dancing. Then all the sudden I realized 'they' were angels. I am not one to dream of angels typically (at all). I just stared and watched- they were huge and though they were as far as the other stars in our galaxy, I could see they had a human form.

We watched the sun rise. And as it was suddenly day, one of the angels came and spoke to me, a friend, and my sisters. I treasure what he said to me, I know it was the Lord. And after Sandi Freed's dream she shared last night, I now understand it all so much better. But I also just treasure that the Lord gave me a dream, and He gave me back the night sky as my own wonder and delight. I'm in a night season, but it's a mystery and a wonder and it's mine to enjoy again. I know the sun is about to dawn and I know the Lord is already beginning to accomplish all He has promised to me, for the words I most remember from the angel are this, "He's already begun."

"...because of the tender mercy of our God, whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace."
Luke 1:78-79

"The darker the night, the brighter the day; the fiercer the fight, the stronger the faith. So I place my hope in You. The deeper the sin, the stronger the blood; the more to forgive, the more reason to love. So I place my trust in You... In Your ways Oh God, redemption is so much better than perfection. Over and Over again You prove yourself faithful, Over and over again, You prove yourself a Redeemer."
-Kristene Mueller, Redemption

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

Lord Byron

Friday, April 16, 2010

One friend will get this, but that is worth it. :)

Thank you Lord for my white helmet.

All my hope is in You and in You alone I trust. Through the valleys and the darkness and mysteries, I trust You. Through all the waiting, and the wondering, and wishing... I trust You. Because You do all things well and I know You care about me.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

UIE at Habitat for Humanity.

I spent the day in Issaquah Highlands. It turned out beautiful!! I organized a company volunteer day for my office, and while I was excited for it, I still thought it would be a long day. It really wasn't. I ended up enjoying time with my manager and a great woman from Habitat, Liz Nixon. It was daunting to consider how little we accomplished, but still nice to know we gave our time to something that won't benefit us... but will serve a family who needs it. It was also nice to get face time with my manager, and in a less stressful situation. She's a wonderful woman, and I enjoy getting to know her. I am so blessed in both of my workplaces to have wonderful managers and coworkers.

Then, my dear friend Elsa met me in Issaquah with running gear and I got to enjoy an unexpected beautiful run and sidewalk chat. It was delightful, and the perfect way to spend a piece of my afternoon today. I've been pressing hard the past couple weeks and I couldn't afford to become unfocused. Now, I have passed off the task I had to do, and today was like a celebration. I did it. I've risked. I've dreamt, and I've done it while awake. I've gained another little piece of courage. Thank you Lord! :)

Life is beautiful. Fact. And the most beautiful expressions, experiences and emotions also take courage. So I am learning.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I think Lou Engle is getting to me.

First fasting, now dreaming. Not just day-dreaming, but in my sleep. At the end of the CD I was listening to yesterday, he was declaring dreams... and Pastor Kevin asked our class to ask the Lord to start giving us dreams. Well, I just woke up from a wonderful night of sleep and a remarkably crazy dream. :) Crazy in the best of ways.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Ever wonder what was running through David's armor bearer's mind when he decided they could take their enemy? Or when the armies of Israel first realized in some battle, "Hey- we're routing them- He's actually doing it!" Or when David was selecting his five smooth stones?

I think I might have just shared their thought. "He could do this." "He just MIGHT really do this!" That turning moment, when you look up and look out and realize something is shifting in front of you. It's probably the thought Peter had when he put his feet on the water- about two seconds before he looked down.

I stepped out in obedience. But it's like NOW I'm having that shifting moment where I'm realizing God could totally do this. Sounds ridiculous, right? Of course He can. But when you've allowed yourself to dream something impossible, and then suddenly, in your deepest heart, you start to truly believe He's willing and able and He just might use you to do it- that's the most amazing LIFE-full moment I've experienced yet. I don't have to stand on a cliff, ride on a roller coaster, kiss a boy or jump from a plane to feel alive- I just have to believe that the God of the universe put these passions in my heart, these dreams in my mind and these words in my mouth and that He is planning to accomplish them through the vessel He's hidden them in. It's the glory of God to conceal a matter! It's the glory of God to conceal a matter in the heart of a young woman and watch her wrestle with it, cry for it, fast for it, hunger for it, and one day believe it. It's the glory of kings to seek that mystery out- it will be my glory to watch that mystery break out of this broken vessel that's been carrying it around for years.

Hey guys, it could happen. He just might do it. And I have a feeling... He's already begun it.

Linda, I think I'm suddenly realizing what "alert expectancy" means... yes, these tears seem to confirm it. I asked this morning, "God, what does it mean for me to live in alert expectancy? Alert for what? What am I supposed to be expecting? WHAT?"

"For me to actually accomplish the dreams of your heart Kati- the dreams of OUR hearts Kati."
"And hope is like love... a ridiculous, wonderful, powerful thing."

~The Tale of Despereaux

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Friday, April 09, 2010

This made me laugh this morning...

Nicknames I have acquired across the years (in a semi-chronological order):

Kati Lady
Castor (or was I Pollux?)
Bone-Crusher Kelly
("HAMster"- though I still HATE this one dad!, And I refuse to include "TJ")
(Big/Little) Stink
"Little Sister"
Little One
Katrina Carry Hope

I'm trying to think if there is more...

Occasionally one will pop back into a family member's mind and we will all laugh- last week it was Kris remembering my family used to call me "Animal" when I was little... like the crazy muppet baby. It was pretty fitting. Somedays it still is. ;)

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Objective: I recently wrote, “I used to think letting a dream die was the hardest thing, now I’m seeing keeping one alive is an even greater fight.” I am passionate about writing a book that changes the world, that stops human trafficking and murders and rapes and tells abandoned children they are not forgotten. But how to get there? Today, I write a blog that changes the lives of the 30-60 daily readers who travel there by reminding them they are wonderful. Today, I change the world of the homeless who wait at Union Station Park, less by giving them a sandwhich and more by listening to their story. Today, I change the technology world that UIEvolution reaches by connecting them to a powerful, caring company. Today, I change the world of the customer I chat with every morning at Starbucks and the coworkers I labor beside. And today, I change the world of the two young girls who sit broken-hearted upstairs, by assuring them through my actions that I will be there when they need me. My objective is to be faithful to love and serve and write wherever I am, and to keep taking the steps that lead me to a greater larger community to whom I can write and serve. It is a story that tells the past, sneaks to where no person can see, and can change the steps a person takes. I will write that story, and when I do the community I have served will listen. Keeping this dream alive is a fight, but nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight.


I am working on writing my CV and a personal statement for some big scholarships. It is both hard, and encouraging to sit and be forced to write in words "This is who I am" and "This is who I will be." It takes courage. And to one who believes in the beauty, fragility, and power of words, it is a glorious moment.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

I feel so very close and so very far at once. To my dreams. To seeing the Lord's face. To some great revelation. To discovering 'that man.' To becoming who I truly am. I feel like I'm standing at a door.... like something new must be undeniably close, but unseen. Perhaps smelt. Perhaps heard. Perhaps, expected. Perhaps only awaited and hoped for.

I've never felt more hungry for all the Lord has for me, more desperate, and more undeserving. I'm just waiting. But I'm not waiting to come in a door... I think I'm waiting to walk out of one.. or for one to be opened to me. There is something far larger and greater outside then what I've seen in here. There are much higher skies, deeper oceans and stronger trees. There is more to risk, to dare, to dream... on the other side of this door.

Matthew 6... those who knock...


I've never felt more passion in me, more secrets in my heart that I want to shout from a roof, but at the same time want to keep quiet, giving away only the smile they write on my face. I've never felt more uncontrolled, and yet more disciplined. I've never felt more aware that whether I stand or fall- the Lord's will is to be done, and if I conquer great odds and stand on dangerous mountains it will declare His glory and be the work of His hand... not the worthiness of me.

Those who seek....

"It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, and the glory of Kings to seek them out."

...Find. And until they find, they play in the game of God, a game He calls, glory. And those with courage to play, He calls Kings.
"I think right now I am seeing again, just as I began to see when I was 18, that I am who I am. All I was and am going to be is curled up somewhere inside of me, waiting for a reason to burst through my skin and become present. But it takes risk, it takes risk to live in the present. It takes courage. It takes a yielding of your will, to be who you are."

-Abigail Suiter

Monday, April 05, 2010

Oh the secrets of my heart.


I am truly in love with words. I love when people pull of an uncommon, precise word. I love when people are careful with their words. I love when I learn a new word. I love when people utilize a good pun. I love giving a "close reading" and disecting an author's words. I love when people have a 'word' they often use, that becomes part of who they are. I love when a person speaks with confidence, and owns their words. I love when a person struggles to find words that match what's in their heart. I love when a poet strings words together in a way that drips from a reader's tongue. I love when words match melody and unlock a place you've never been. I love playing with words.

I love when a person is genuinely speechless.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

It takes courage to "feel."

Especially if you are one who feels deeply.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
CS Lewis

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”
Washington Irving

I think as one who naturally feels deeply, the only thing that frightens me more than feeling pain, is not feeling it. Those who are prone to feel the pains and joys of life with intensity are also most in danger of becoming numb. We think we cannot bear the intensity of our hearts, yet to kill that passion is to forget what it means to live. Oh Lord- let my heart not become hard. Soften that in it which is. Give me courage to feel.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

The blessed weekend. The rundown.

Yesterday: The long awaited sipping chocolate date with the beautiful, sweet Rose. Delightful. Then, I worked, then went to a movie with some amazing friends from work, who continue to graft themselves deeper into my heart. Then, more friends... some I haven't really had time with in months it seems.

This morning, work felt more like just another fun day. Opening with my good friend Theresa (T.), chatting about tonight, singing to Buble, and laughing at Stephen (another amazing co-worker, I love him more every shift). The morning turned even BETTER when T returned from her lunch with a white bag- that's right, she'd run to The French Bakery on her lunch and returned with almond chocolate croissants for Steve and I. She really IS the best. I spent my break sipping a cappuccino and eating the most yummy croissant in the State!

I couldn't believe when I checked the clock and realized I was off in 4 minutes! I thought I had at least another hour.

BUT, it got even better. As I walked across the street toward my car I heard my name shouted. Looking over, who did I see? Morgan Gilbert and Adam Carpenter!! I miss their faces! They'd brought Adam's parents to Carillon and we just caught each other. After introductions, hugs, and pictures I was on my way again.... smiling.

Now it's chores, work (UIE), maybe a run (!), and then MICHAEL BUBLE and dinner with more of my dearest friends. This is an unbelievable weekend. I'll take it over last weekend, several times over. ;)

(My nails are even painted- it's felt like months since the last time I was able to paint my nails thanks to Starbucks dresscode. I feel dressed up already.)

Friday, April 02, 2010

Last night, at homegroup we watched The Passion of the Christ. I'd been dreading it for days. That movie is so remarkably painful and I feel like such a wretch after. Last night, it was different. There were moments I almost wanted to laugh or just start praising out loud. Truly! I've always watched the film focusing on the fact that I put Him there; I crucified Christ; it was my sins; I've mocked Him by my behavior. My God, who I love, had to endure unbelievable torture because of me.

Last night, I just kept hearing the Lord say, "I chose this, for you." Yes, I put Him there... but He chose it! Jesus is not the victim of our sin, He is the overcomer of our sin! Christ took on that suffering, he knew the pain of the cross so that I might know it too, but not just that, so that I would share in the joy of His resurrection! DeVerne Fromke says, "Once we know the grace of God, we know the joy of sins forgiven." That's what I felt last night.

I didn't laugh, and I didn't cry out, but instead I sat in a somber rooms with others- all crying. But my tears of pain from what I saw were mixed with a joy of the victory Christ was accomplishing. He loved me. He chose that for me, for the unworthy me... He knew my sins, and He chose the cross. I can't say it enough, I'm just overwhelmed by His love and Goodness!

Goodness has been a theme the past few weeks for me, rediscovering what it means. As I've written recently, goodness is not just cmofort and ease and soft happy thoughts. Goodness is connected to righteousness (I don't fully grasp how), Goodness IS the will of the Father. And for Jesus, Goodness was death on a cross! For the Martyrs, like the majority of His disciples and Perpetua, Goodness was a painful death as well. They counted it a joy to share in His sufferings.

I was sort of surprised b myself that while I wanted to look away through the most terrible scenes of His passion, I also wanted nothing more than to stare into His eyes... hoping to see past the actor and catch a glimpse of the real eyes of Jesus. When the man who was made to help carry His cross looked into His eyes, my heart responded, "How blessed!" I wanted to look into HIs eyes, it compelled me through the second half of the film. I've always wanted to look into the eyes of Jesus, but now, I want to do so at that moment of His passion... what would they say? I think there would be love like I've never known or imagines, pain, but also joy and celebration. The eyes of a man who is overcoming.

Lord, let us be somber in the reality that You were beaten 'til you were unrecognizable, but let us not stop there. Let us rejoice- because You really did love us, enough to embrace your cross, to plead for forgiveness for your murderers. You chose to die, that we might live with You. Let us live with You.

Thank you Jesus. How small that sounds, but let it fill our hearts. Thank you.


Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here:"
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on Thee."
Love took my hand and, smiling, did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord; but I have marred them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "Who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

George Herbert

Victory in Defeat

Defeat may serve as well as victory
To shake the soul and let the glory out.
When the great oak is straining in the wind,
The boughs drink in a new beauty, and the trunk
Sends down a deeper root on the winward side.
Only the soul that knows the mighty grief
Can know the mighty rapture. Sorrows come
To stretch out spaces in the heart for joy.

Edwin Markham