Last night, at homegroup we watched The Passion of the Christ. I'd been dreading it for days. That movie is so remarkably painful and I feel like such a wretch after. Last night, it was different. There were moments I almost wanted to laugh or just start praising out loud. Truly! I've always watched the film focusing on the fact that I put Him there; I crucified Christ; it was my sins; I've mocked Him by my behavior. My God, who I love, had to endure unbelievable torture because of me.

Last night, I just kept hearing the Lord say, "I chose this, for you." Yes, I put Him there... but He chose it! Jesus is not the victim of our sin, He is the overcomer of our sin! Christ took on that suffering, he knew the pain of the cross so that I might know it too, but not just that, so that I would share in the joy of His resurrection! DeVerne Fromke says, "Once we know the grace of God, we know the joy of sins forgiven." That's what I felt last night.

I didn't laugh, and I didn't cry out, but instead I sat in a somber rooms with others- all crying. But my tears of pain from what I saw were mixed with a joy of the victory Christ was accomplishing. He loved me. He chose that for me, for the unworthy me... He knew my sins, and He chose the cross. I can't say it enough, I'm just overwhelmed by His love and Goodness!

Goodness has been a theme the past few weeks for me, rediscovering what it means. As I've written recently, goodness is not just cmofort and ease and soft happy thoughts. Goodness is connected to righteousness (I don't fully grasp how), Goodness IS the will of the Father. And for Jesus, Goodness was death on a cross! For the Martyrs, like the majority of His disciples and Perpetua, Goodness was a painful death as well. They counted it a joy to share in His sufferings.

I was sort of surprised b myself that while I wanted to look away through the most terrible scenes of His passion, I also wanted nothing more than to stare into His eyes... hoping to see past the actor and catch a glimpse of the real eyes of Jesus. When the man who was made to help carry His cross looked into His eyes, my heart responded, "How blessed!" I wanted to look into HIs eyes, it compelled me through the second half of the film. I've always wanted to look into the eyes of Jesus, but now, I want to do so at that moment of His passion... what would they say? I think there would be love like I've never known or imagines, pain, but also joy and celebration. The eyes of a man who is overcoming.

Lord, let us be somber in the reality that You were beaten 'til you were unrecognizable, but let us not stop there. Let us rejoice- because You really did love us, enough to embrace your cross, to plead for forgiveness for your murderers. You chose to die, that we might live with You. Let us live with You.

Thank you Jesus. How small that sounds, but let it fill our hearts. Thank you.

Love

Love bade me welcome; yet my soul drew back,
Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning
If I lack anything.

"A guest," I answered, "worthy to be here:"
Love said, "You shall be he."
"I, the unkind, ungrateful? Ah, my dear,
I cannot look on Thee."
Love took my hand and, smiling, did reply,
"Who made the eyes but I?"

"Truth, Lord; but I have marred them: let my shame
Go where it doth deserve."
"And know you not," says Love, "Who bore the blame?"
"My dear, then I will serve."
"You must sit down," says Love, "and taste my meat."
So I did sit and eat.

George Herbert