I'm beginning to believe the most important relationships in your life, are the ones that prove you wrong.

The friends who break all your expectations, and exceed your dreams. There are a couple in my life at the moment who keep responding in love, and grace, and understanding... when I expect the opposite. When I expect impatience, they respond with an abundance of patience. When I expect lies, they answer in sincerity. When I hope for answers, they keep their mystery. When I expect them to pull away, they wait right where they stood before.

This is starting to wear away at what I believe was a misconception about my future, and ultimately the love and goodness of God. I've worried about "fixing" my problems- making sure I'm confident, rooted perfectly in the love of the Lord, never manipulating, never interacting with others out of fear, always gentle, always sincere. I've worried about whether I will be able to be totally open and vulnerable someday. I've believed that to the degree I have these down before I get married, is the degree to which my marriage will be healthy and secure and blessed. To be blunt, I've worried that if I don't deal with certain fears, they will plague my relationship because they will doom my husband to do exactly what I fear.

I know this is the truth of bitter-root expectancy. But, this week I've realized something bigger- it is God who breaks our expectancy, and the man He has for me will be strong and able. The Lord CAN use that man to break my expectancy as well- I just need to keep my heart soft to be proven wrong.

I don't need to change my heart. I need to soften my heart- HE will change my heart. That is what I keep hearing from God- "I am willing and able. Only wait. It's already begun."

If the people in my life right now can stay, when I expect them to run... how much more my husband? I remember Aime telling me during her courtship process how blown away she was by how Robert truly was Christ to her. When she expected him to be hurt, or disgusted, or retaliate, he didn't. He got on his knees before her, and he looked at her with love.

Furthermore, trying to change my own expectations and my own heart right now, with the people in my life at this very moment, could in fact welcome pain the Lord never wanted me to have. It could reinforce the same expectations. I can't try to do it on my own, in my own time. He is the orchestrator... and He will bring those who are faithful enough to be trusted with restoring those yet broken places of my heart.

I'm softening my heart. I don't have to change it... I'm aware of my expectations. I'm aware they could cause trouble... but I am also aware that they are not the ultimate reality. And suddenly, I am aware that there is a man who God created with the joy, love, peace, patience, faithfulness, passion, strength and grace that make him willing and desiring to fight for me... even when it looks like he is fighting against me, fighting against my fears and hurts and expectations. He will be what my heart desires, and he won't be the things that have wounded me before... and that is why he will disprove me.

A soft heart. A trusting heart. A courageous heart, that gives, even when it sees the danger of pain. A surrendered heart... that is what He is working in me now. When it all comes down to it, that's all I've ever ultimately desired to be: Courageous in heart.