Saturday, July 24, 2010

Tomorrow is my last shift with my buddy T. I could cry. This woman is amazing, and I am so grateful that I've gotten to work with her the past year and a half. I've watched her press through some incredibly difficult times, and she's helped me press through some of my own. She's one of the most loving and encouraging people I know. Every person at our store will testify to how she has personally helped them become a better barista, a better friend, and a better person. She's amazing. I love her.

One night, while I was in finals and fighting some of my never-ending minute health stuff, she drove over to my house and left me a balloon, a shamrock plant and a card. Why? Because it was St Patricks, and I was stressed. That's all. :) Many people wouldn't drive across the street for such a reason, but she will drive over from Kirkland. She is always telling me "Let me know if there is anything I can do to help" - and the best part is, she really means it. No excuses, ever.

She's deserved to be an assistant store manager for over a year now- and during that year she has several times had to choose not to quit when it just kept getting tougher and looking further away. She never quit. And now, she's being promoted. Our hearts are all sad, and we all know it's no simple sentiment when we wonder if we'll be okay without her- the spot she is going to leave is pretty magnificent. But I know, we will make it, and largely, because we WANT her to enter this new stage with all the excitement and happiness she deserves. I love you T.

<3 Bunny.

PS, the only good part about this is, you can't call me coworker when you're mad at me any more ;)
I'm a little worried. I still can't feel part of my face. My chin is all numb and it's starting to drive me nuts. I was in for a doctor's appointment yesterday and ended pointing out this little spot that had appeared on my hand- doctor curtis thinks its an allergic reaction to the vicodin. I didn't think until today that the fact that my chin is still all numb and tingly might also be an allergic reaction. I am REALLY ready for this all to be done and gone. I want feeling back in my face!! It wouldn't be so bad if maybe the numbness were where I am in pain! :(

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Fine, fine. I swore I wouldn't, but with all you whiners.... sheesh. Theresa is right, I really didn't swell up all that bad- this morning was probably the worst I have been thus far. Here are the only pics I have. Mom walked right into the recovery room and immediately took a picture. As she explained her brilliant plan to drive me around the city, taking pictures of me with hats and strange things on- the women in the office I am quite sure gave her a very ugly look. I could have just imagined that I suppose.

And here is Tuesday stole another pic while I was emailing.

And there you have it folks-me and the awesome head diaper/ice pack/ 'head bra' as T has termed it.

Thanks to all who have spoiled me these past few days- and for the rest of you who have sent texts, emails and called. You are all very sweet- and I feel incredibly loved.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Still no poetry journal. :(

I miss my old manager.

Theresa has finally received confirmation (in the means of a store and date of transition) that she is being promoted to a store assistant manager. In case you don't know- that requires she move to a new store. :(

I love my coworkers, but it's hard when CP has changed sooo much so quickly - and I know it is a waste and fruitless activity to sit and wish it would go back- things are getting better for so many people who I care about, and I know I am called to rejoice with those who rejoice. :) Oh Lord, lead me where I'm to go though, because I feel my season here is drawing to a close.

Other news: I am receiving feeling in my face again. I opened and then had my wisdom teeth pulled- probably not my most brilliant plan (to work before hand, on 3 hours sleep and no food or drink), but alas it is over and I'm sure I'll be glad when I have a few extra hours on my next check (since I had to mark the next three days off). Finally- my wisdom teeth are gone.

Also, I am still working on the Cambridge scholarship and application- I have a lot to do by october 1st and I really need to get on it. So many little things I am half hoping to get done over the next couple days, but I am probably being overambitious.

I cam home and slept for a couple hours today- then decided I wanted to clean my room and do laundry--- tyson told me tonight that was stupid. We will see if I pay for it tomorrow.

Love you all and please feel free to pray- for my mouth to heal without infection, for the Lord to get His way in my heart, for a deep faith and trust root deeper and grow wider in my life, and for the perfect 'next' job to spring up that helps prepare me another step for my destiny. Also, that things would come together for the Cambridge scholarship- and i'd get renewed vision and passion for it if it's the Lord will for me to go--- let the doors open. :)

I love you all- and miss many of you a LOT. Thanks for reading my blog- even if you only 'skim read it' (ahem, ahem).

Friday, July 16, 2010

I've lost my poetry journal, and it is killing me! I think the first poem is from 5th grade. :(

I've torn apart my bedroom this week searching- and have yet to put it back together, it almost feels like cleaning means accepting that it's gone.

But clean I must.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I've been amazed lately how the Lord uses people in our life. How one can tear you apart, and another years later can touch those same places and put them back together, perhaps carrying a missing piece you'd never expect them to hold. Looking through old photos this morning, I couldn't help but smile at all the memories and characters captured... the people I have been blessed to live life with, my parents, my sisters, my friends. So many laughs stored up in my hard drive, so many smiles stashed up in my memory.

Thank you Lord that you thought up to connect us all the way you do- to work through us and with us, with each other. Thank you that though some will break our hearts, others will be part of healing them. Forgive me for the hearts I wound- and help me to be part of healing the ones I can. Thank you for this hauntingly beautiful life.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Since I shared the first half of my morning, I ought to share the second. In fact, I hardly can not share.

Thanks to a word from Linda Cline, I opened up Streams in the Desert for today, and was ruined. I think between that passage, (which was more or less the Lord showing me that this right now moment is His answer to my prayers- that this is what is necessary to do the very work I've been asking Him to do- and to become the person I long in my heart to be) and Kristene Mueller who I had tapped on to play in the background... all I can say is Oh Lord. truly.

Then, I opened to Romans 5. Romans 5:1-5 is one of my two absolute favorite pieces of scripture, but I still become unacquainted-no matter how many times I have read and even memorized it, it always seems like I've never read it. Romans 5 came to mind a couple days ago- and it wasn't until now that I sat and opened it up. My bible has it titled, "Peace With God Through Faith" -- I chuckled. The Streams in the Desert section for today had been all on faith growing to maturity in storms. I've been pondering faith for the past week or two. I was reading in Matthew yesterday, and wondering what faith really is. The disciples had asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out the demons in a man, and Jesus said it was because they didn't have faith. I think few of us do today too- otherwise, why aren't we casting out demons and sickness? Why can't I make the ones I love who are sick, well?

I want faith. And I think God's offering me the opportunity right now to buy it... striking a deal with me and seeing if I'll let the seeds grow, even though the package says: "Does not grow in sunshine- plant where shady, dark and stormy. Wait. Watch. Do not expect to grow overnight.... though it will be night in which they grow."

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5: 1-5

Read on if you like, the entire chapter is amazing, it pretty much just changed my life, just now.
I woke up sad. Not typical for me. The strange thing is today is my day off that I've been looking forward to. I turned off my alarm last night and purposefully left my schedule empty. When my eyes opened and I laid there thinking-- I started thinking about where I need to start working... that 'perfect job' that is a step forward and not back. And it's easy to get overwhelmed and down. All the other seemingly impossibilities in my life right now piggy-backed onto the thought and I wanted to cry. Good morning Kati.

Luckily, I have time today to spend with the Lord and listen to His voice, get His purpose for this season. I'm trying not to just rush along and do... but to stop and wait and move where I'm lead. Yesterday's sermon was amazing for me. Pastor Bruce Billings (is that right?) spoke for a few minutes on how just working hard enough isn't the ultimate principle... it is seeing where Father is working and working with Him. He talked about work before the fall. So, I'm choosing to trust, and guarding my thoughts and emotions. I can't let myself go there. The Lord has a plan for my life, and if I seek Him, I know He will lead me. He'll lead me through the tough of today... into clarity and work and happiness. He'll lead me into my calling in all regards, and He'll join me to those I need to be joined to to accomplish it.

This is not an easy season. I feel I'm fighting on several fronts- and the comforts which I had and want to keep, are being taken away. It's time to fight to keep dreams burning- the excitement is past, and now it is the season to persevere.

A friend and I were talking last night, and we began to both be struck by the extent of how much we are all driven by comfort. We apologize and work things out more often than not, because we need to feel 'better.' How much of our generosity is so we can feel generous- feel good about ourselves? How much do we avoid so we don't have to feel uncomfortable? When when we do sacrifice and feel pain- I know for myself, even that pain can be a sort of feeling good. I'm struck again this morning as I'm realizing much of my grief is that there is no quick fix for where I am right now- I can't see what the perfect job is, I don't know what to go after. And as for my future- I don't know the details. And for the Cambridge Scholarship- the one thing I do seem to see in sight as something I am called to pursue right now, even that is a long process of sustained work and discomfort. I am uncomfortable- and deep inside I'm fighting sadness and becoming overwhelmed because there is no quick fix to get out of it. But even deeper inside, I know that not being able to get out of this, and remaining in this season is going to bear good fruit. How is it that we prize comfort so highly?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Today I will finally meet California Ave. :)
Yet another new adventure in my own city... I can't wait.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Everything I wrote last time just seems to become more and more true. I know God is up to something and I am so grateful that He really is making me true. I love that He is faithful to always draw us back to Himself. He never lets me get away with not trusting Him.

Today, after work and playing a little with some friends, I went exploring a bit by myself. I sat at a park, simply because I was driving by, saw it and I could. I just laid there on a blanket and did nothing. Then, I drove around on streets in my city that I have never driven on. I went exploring. Just me. On a windy road surrounded by trees and big beautiful old homes, "Dance with me" started to come on. "Dance with me, oh Lover of my soul." I was staring up at this big beautiful white home- probably my new favorite. It looked like it belonged in the Mediterranean- and listening to an invitation from the Lord. It was the promise I needed to remain and to expect and to hope in Him. :)

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

So, those shiftings under my feet suddenly have a name....

As of tomorrow, I will no longer work for UIEvolution. It wasn't totally unexpected. In fact, I have had several weeks now to begin wrapping up projects I have long been working on. After graduating, and just before leaving for Vegas, my manager and I had a very discomforting meeting. She surprised I planned to stay- I surprised she had expected me to leave. We left the meeting in an okay spot- and she agreed to talk with those involved with making decisions and evaluate where and if I fit in a future role at UIE. I came into my meeting today expecting I would either receive a full-time position, or be encouraged to move on in life. When Jennifer walked into the meeting room- I knew which it was.

Though it was definitely uncomfortable- and it never feels good to be told you don't quite 'fit' - I wasn't crushed. I've been evaluating for weeks now, and even started to get excited this past week about the idea of a new position. I have been here for 3 years (and a summer a year before that) and I have been incredibly blessed. I didn't tear up when Jennifer broke the news- surprisingly, I teared up when I started to thank her for being a great manager. I've learned a lot- I am coming out of college with 3 years of great work experience- and I was even paid for it (something many will do for free just to put on their resume). I've worked with great people, and they've helped me gain confidence and learn important lessons. I've faced the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have pressed through when I was ruled by the witch (okay- that's a bit cruel- but my family knows what I am talking about!!), I learned how to deal with office problems, how to be respectful when you are mistreated, and how to make the proper appeals. I've also learned the management styles I best work under- and how rare a truly great boss can be. I've learned the joy of working with people you like, the pleasure of working on a project you enjoy, and the satisfaction in completing an odious one.

I am blessed. And yet, for the first time I have bills, and not a job. I'm fighting the unease that started to creap into my stomach as I walked out of the meeting room.

I'm feeling humbled, and a little broken... but I know good things grow in that soil. And the Lord has ALWAYS been faithful to me.

"Live in eager expectation." For me the past month, it's been realizing I DON'T really expect good things... at least not at my core as i should. I expect no's. I expect pain to always accompany pleasure. He's been teaching me that He really does say yes... and probably wants to a lot more than we let Him.

In His story, laughter replaces tears and joy comes in the morning. I am grateful He is making me real. He is making me true. He's teaching me to pursue and persevere- and trust that I won't be dismayed if I wait in eager expectation... not if I wait on Him. :)

So with that said, I'm enticed by the future...

And I'd love your prayers that I'd see and follow where He's leading me...

Friday, July 02, 2010

This morning was one of the best work mornings in several weeks (granted, I was gone for most of the past few weeks- but still). I not only slept hard last night- but though tired when I woke up, I still felt ready to go. I knew I was opening with T, and I knew that we had our great patriotic art project to reveal to the CP community!

Fridays are a big to-do because it is the morning all of our products get delivered- this means along with getting the store set up, and it being one of our busiest mornings, you also have to try to put away a LOT of boxes of stuff (in a fairly small space). Oh- and it's 5am and you are still gaining the common sense a normal individual carries life out with.

As I said though- I was excited about this Friday morning. And once I discovered the others who would be joining our team this morning- I was even MORE excited. When Theresa told me Stephen and Megan were the next two in- I had to ask her a second time to make sure I'd heard right. It was a fantastic morning!! I love working with these guys- and Steve-Joe has been gone for weeks (and will be for another 4 weeks now), and Meg is typically the one who comes in right before I get off. So, it was T, Kim, Stephen, Meg and I, and we were sporting our new massive milk-carton-lid-Cp-style-flag! The only thing that could have made it better were if Aaron were there too to celebrate the final picture of our months of plotting and collecting.

Dude- bossman- we miss you. We're happy you are where you are, but the store definitely feels different without you (and your sometimes slightly inappropriate humor ;) We are looking forward to the bbq and celebrating all the good new changes in everyones lives- as well as the awesome past 18 months!

PS, hope you don't mind, but I shared the invite with a few friends- mostly just clearwire. They were all really excited to come to the bbq! ;)