I woke up sad. Not typical for me. The strange thing is today is my day off that I've been looking forward to. I turned off my alarm last night and purposefully left my schedule empty. When my eyes opened and I laid there thinking-- I started thinking about where I need to start working... that 'perfect job' that is a step forward and not back. And it's easy to get overwhelmed and down. All the other seemingly impossibilities in my life right now piggy-backed onto the thought and I wanted to cry. Good morning Kati.

Luckily, I have time today to spend with the Lord and listen to His voice, get His purpose for this season. I'm trying not to just rush along and do... but to stop and wait and move where I'm lead. Yesterday's sermon was amazing for me. Pastor Bruce Billings (is that right?) spoke for a few minutes on how just working hard enough isn't the ultimate principle... it is seeing where Father is working and working with Him. He talked about work before the fall. So, I'm choosing to trust, and guarding my thoughts and emotions. I can't let myself go there. The Lord has a plan for my life, and if I seek Him, I know He will lead me. He'll lead me through the tough of today... into clarity and work and happiness. He'll lead me into my calling in all regards, and He'll join me to those I need to be joined to to accomplish it.

This is not an easy season. I feel I'm fighting on several fronts- and the comforts which I had and want to keep, are being taken away. It's time to fight to keep dreams burning- the excitement is past, and now it is the season to persevere.

A friend and I were talking last night, and we began to both be struck by the extent of how much we are all driven by comfort. We apologize and work things out more often than not, because we need to feel 'better.' How much of our generosity is so we can feel generous- feel good about ourselves? How much do we avoid so we don't have to feel uncomfortable? When when we do sacrifice and feel pain- I know for myself, even that pain can be a sort of feeling good. I'm struck again this morning as I'm realizing much of my grief is that there is no quick fix for where I am right now- I can't see what the perfect job is, I don't know what to go after. And as for my future- I don't know the details. And for the Cambridge Scholarship- the one thing I do seem to see in sight as something I am called to pursue right now, even that is a long process of sustained work and discomfort. I am uncomfortable- and deep inside I'm fighting sadness and becoming overwhelmed because there is no quick fix to get out of it. But even deeper inside, I know that not being able to get out of this, and remaining in this season is going to bear good fruit. How is it that we prize comfort so highly?