To be frank:

This hurting, all life's hurting, sucks. But God, since it is and seems must be, let is grow something beautiful out of me.

"The happy Trinity is her home; nothing can trouble her joy...a thousand fail to solve the problem, ten thousand choose the wrong turning, but she passes safely through...He fills her brim-full with the immensity of life, He leads her to see the world's desire."

-C. S. Lewis: The Great Divorce via Rose Ruiz ;)

The Lord is MY ROCK and MY SALVATION

WHOM SHALL I FEAR?

What outcome or choice ought to worry me? What future dismay me? What possibilities or unknowns dishearten me? What unestablished dream (or nightmare) shake the foundation of my hope?


Indeed, what have I to fear? Or whom? When all that is to come, must come by His hand.

What troubles my heart, when He is love, and LOVE NEVER FAILS?

Yes, Yet will I put my trust in Him, my Rock, my Hope, and my Salvation.

For waters come, but they are Him, not waters of despair.

Remember heart, I stand on a Rock, and the rivers that rage will only drive away that which is not fitted in His frame.

We want a sign that we are headed in the right direction. We want a hint that the things we feel called to do, will one day happen. That in fact we will suddenly look around and find ourselves standing amidst that great moment we've been wandering towards all our lives. At least, I do.

I just caught myself thinking "Aw God, give me something that shows me this is going to happen- whatever exactly this is." (In regards to writing.) And immediately, I realized, that's not his way. The story of Joseph came to mind.

What sign was there that the man behind bars was about to become second in the Kingdom? Or what about Daniel - what sign was there that he was going to be saved out of the lion's den? Or the three in the fire? What about Esther? How should anyone have known she'd be the next Queen? Or David, a king?

God doesn't like to write His scripts so bare or predictable that we spend the whole time just anticipating the end. He's a better writer than that.

I wonder if David, listening to sheep in a field, ever had the same desire in His heart: God, is this really ever going to happen? Can you give me some sort of small taste of it, just so I know?

And I wonder, did he consider the lion or the bear the answer to that desire?

I soaked in Psalms 56 and 57 this morning. Wow.

I told Toni (Rosemary) yesterday, I had a pregnancy dream the other day. I didn't really remember it, I just remembered I was pregnant.

She told me it typically means you're about to birth something new.

Last night, I had another. And stragenly vivid. I was in the hospital room. I remember the doctor (no one I knew). Toni was there. So was my mom, and others. I didn't feel like it was time. And I was scared. But the doctor thought it was about time. I even remember the physical pain I felt. I was still up and walking around. Toni and I walked to the bathroom and were talking in there, I was telling her I was afraid and didn't think I was ready.

I woke up with a couple thoughts. One, pregnant women are the bravest women I know. To anticipate and look forward to that pain, because they know the priceless gift it will produce. And the joy that will come right after the pain. Also, how much I still need the Lord to take away my fear of the unknown, the things He is bringing into my life that aren't meant for me to try to control. I did my senior thesis on childbirth imagery, and how much of it's power and promise is in the fact that once it is begun, it can't be stopped. I've learned a lot more recently about childbirth and how God created a woman's body to carry it out (thanks to Rob & Aime and all their studying for Cadence) - the best thing a woman can do is learn to allow her body to do what it was created for, not to rush it, or to fight it.

Father is so faithful to prepare us for the coming things, and I don't want to control any of it. I want to trust completely, in the way that takes whatever comes from His hands with a sense of resolve and of rest. I want to walk into this next season with trust from the start. I want my life to be purged of all the fear and anxiety.

Psalm 56 is all on trusting the Lord. I didn't search for it, or look up Trust in an accordance. In fact, I was still trying to process my dream when I opened up my Bible. I heard the Lord say to go to the Psalms. And as I began to read, my spirit began to drink, and my heart began to listen. Psalm 57 seems to reinforce that He is worthy of trust. He is faithful. He is perfect. And He is working out His plan.

Yesterday, I had coffee with MacKenna. I love that woman. One thing she said to me that so reinforced the very core of what God's been doing in me is, 'Katrina, just be.' Everything she said before went straight to my heart too, but her final words were like the bottom line of all God's been saying and doing.

Yesterday at church they asked those who needed a touch from God to raise their hand. I raised mine before I even knew my hand was in the air. And no one else around me did. But I realized in an instant, I didn't care. (Humility, or rather, humiliation, has been another trend lately. I find myself telling the one thing I don't want to tell, to the one person I don't want to tell it a lot lately. I'm getting over myself.) I'm in a season of transition, and I know I just need whatever I can get to press through into this new thing. I need a touch of His power. I need a breath of His mighty wind to carry away some things and clear the earth for what's to grow through the Spring.

Hello 2011, it was wonderful to meet last night.

It seems only fitting that I brought in the new year in a manner nothing like I'd planned or expected. But, it also seems fitting that it was wonderful, fun and done with a few great friends... some I've known since the days of learning to ride bikes, some since first crushes and heart aches, some since the discovery of callings and the setting out for destiny, and some since the journey became real and the dawns came with decisions.

2011- a year of adventure. Of challenges, but growth. Of transition out of one thing and into another. The start of more. The start of it all. 2010 taught me many things. One of the greatest, to not judge according to my plans, but to leave room for bigger doors to be opened and greater dreams to be accomplished than I ever thought possible. This year, I learned how to dream. I learned that to carry a dream in your heart, means pain, trust, and perseverance. To carry a dream also requires that we not suffocate it by our own understanding of it.. but to allow it to grow into what it was meant to be. Dreams are not from our land, but another place entirely. Therefore it should not surprise us that we very rarely know how to accurately identify them, and that very few indeed know how to care for them. We often think there are one seed, and yet they bloom into a very different design entirely. To carry a dream is to carry something that has never been seen in it's mature bloom. Each one entirely new, entirely surprising. And the best way to care for it, is to recognize that it will need to be fed and watered by many (and not those you might think), and allow it to grow into what it is inside the seed... not boxing it in to some small dark box of what you thought you bought when you made it's first purchase.

Yes, I've learned to dream. I've learned to carry this dream. I've learned to let this dream carry me. And I've learned that I know very little. And the little I know, I hope to learn how to do this year, 2011. I think 2010 was the preparation for the journey, learning to follow... we will see where I am led in 2011. But I think it of little coincidence that Pastor Norm called 2011 a year of adventure. (I also think it perhaps meaningful that I am starting this year by reading of one of the greatest mythical, literary adventures, The Lord of the Rings.) First He stirred the desire for adventure in our hearts. Then, He taught us that the adventure is never in what we think we are setting out for. Now, He's teaching through literature and stories how one goes about on an adventure. Or so, that is what my little heart believes it is seeing in these days. I must believe that a story can be used to prepare us for our greatest adventures in life - or else, I cannot spend myself to write such tales.

Oh 2011, you are so mysterious and handsome. ;) I do believe we are going to have a remarkable time together, you changing me forever, and I dare to say: me, you.

Sometimes encouragement hurts, and is hard to listen to. Not because what is said is cruel (it's not- it's encouraging, right?). Not because you don't want to believe it. But because it seems so contrary to what you see... and you are afraid to believe it.

Today, I am grateful for the recent encouragement I've received... but it's smarting a bit.

I'm ready for some major changes to happen- and they aren't. People keep telling me they think they are about to, but I just don't see how... and the cop-out is to create my own changes, my own excitement.... in short, to run on some adventure. But I keep hearing something Linda said to me the other day at lunch, "I keep hearing people say they are willing to go wherever God calls them. Go someplace. But how about staying here? How about being willing to be planted?"

As long as I can remember I've had this sense in my heart that I will end up someplace else. I'll be called away. It's helped me lock in tight and deep, because I've known the value of being connected, and all the more if I am to be called out. But, the allure of getting to go to some other place can become an escape for me in my heart- it can be my refuge of hope.

Instead, I hear God saying to me, "How about being willing to stay?" Stay through the pain. Stay through the mononity. Stay through the ugliness of today, and the next day. I still think I will be called to travel/move someplace else one day, but for today, I have to be willing to stay. My only refuge has to be the shadow of His wings- that means wherever He is. And I have to be content to walk whatever path He's picked for me.

Reading Hinds Feet in High Places has been breaking me so deeply. I hear one thing over and over in the words of the story: 'Do you trust me to choose what's best for you? Your path? Your companions? The 'teachers' I give you-- even if Sorrow and Suffering?' I find myself repeating after Much-Afraid, because just like the crippled young woman in the story, I have to choose over and over and over again as one thing after another crosses me. 'I trust You to choose what's best for me. I trust you will do all you've promised- you'll make me into something beautiful, and you'll set me on high with you.'

Trust. I trust You. In the mess of a million things- You can choose what's best. I know it blesses Him when we can look around and see others walking the trails we'd like to be on, and look up to Him and say "I know You are choosing the best path for me."

So the past couple weeks have brought lots of jaw pain thanks to my wisdom teeth, pain in my knee/hamstring thanks to weeks off from my wisdom teeth and then pushing myself too hard on my first run back, and then back and neck pain thanks to a car accident. Add to that some definite processing and heart aches and yes, it's been a tough few weeks, and not ones that have driven me to blog.

Plenty of things in my heart have been surfacing, and I know I haven't been the funnest person to put up with, I'm very sorry to those of you who have got the brunt end of that. I feel a bit of a mess, and definitely in need of the Lord to change my heart. Not just in the, 'I am a sinner' sense, but also in the 'I am a broken mess' sense. I don't know how self-help books even sell, because I'm very certain that I can't fix myself. Some hurts are just too deep, and as much I feel I've tried to 'reject' 'bind' 'resist' or 'ignore' I'm still discovering they are there.. and when people get close, they pop up to bite, both me and them.

I trust the Lord can change me, and heal my heart. Even the things I don't understand about it. Yesterday, Mrs Willis spoke on hope. It couldn't be more timely. I just wrote a poem the other day, called Hope. After a time of wrestling with the Lord, and wrestling with my confusing heart, I settled finally on that, Hope. The Lord named me Hope. He put it into my being, because He knew I'd need it as my anchor to hold me and not let me quit. In an honest conversation I've more than once described my life as 'in tension.' It's the best I can describe it, I'm never 'here' nor 'there' - I'm always called to walk some uncomfortable line between I feel. My name means "Pure" and "Beloved"- two things I struggle constantly to feel I really am. 'Pure' means, without mixture. I feel pure is almost unattainable, especially in todays world. And Beloved, well, that's another story.

I was driving home today and shocked myself with a sudden thought. Some of you know this, but most of you don't. I love my original nintendo. That's the only electronic-game-anything we got. And it only really came out during Christmas time when we were growing up. Somehow, us girls still managed to become pretty great at it. Today, I still like to pull it out with friends and provoke a little awe into the eyes of my competitors. Yes, I own at mario. But, I've never seen the princess. I've only ever seen the little maiden chicks at the end of each world. It's the best way I can think to describe how I feel, I'm afraid I'm just the awkward maiden at the end, wearing strange mushroom like diapers saying "Thank you for rescuing me, but your princess is in another castle."

Funny that He named me Beloved. Ay?

But He also named me Hope. Trust. Expectant waiting. I pulled out my notes from yesterday and started reading through the verses again. I only made it to the first two. Then, I started reading through Psalms 32-33. It's amazing how different things look, when you raise your eyes. I can't change myself. I can't make myself believe things will all turn out beautifully, and that if I'd ever make it to the dungeon of the last castle, I'd see a green-eyed brunette standing there. I can't make my heart stop fearing or expecting pain, or stop pushing people away. I can't make myself cry in front of people. But I can raise my eyes to the heavens, to the One my help comes from. To the one who restores my soul, and heals my heart, and my body. To the one who has a plan for my life, to the one who plants seeds of passion in my heart and waters them 'til they become mature destiny. To the one who chose me, created me, and named me Beloved, Pure, and Hope. To the one who knows my heart, despite my failure to let it be seen. To the one who won't be pushed away. To the one who waits, until all my tears spill out. To the one who promises to never leave me or forsake me. And to the one who's love never fails, and promises never fall short. To him I can lift up my eyes, and trust.

I am so blessed with the people around me.

In fact, when I think about it, it makes me feel quite foolish for wanting to be alone at times, when one of my greatest treasures is the people I get to live life with.

The past few days I have been thinking how grateful I am for friends who I can count on, people like Tyson, Joel and Theresa... all three I know would come through for me if I needed them. I saw an older woman walking out of church yesterday with this little rain bonnet on and it reminded me of a dear memory with Tyson. Dear, because we laughed so hard, and because of the conviction that I gained that he'd look out for me. Riding the bus home one rainy day our Freshman year, we saw this sweet old lady wearing a rain bonnet, waiting at the bus stop. For some reason, I think I teased that would be me, and after a good laugh, Tyson assured me he would never let me be an old lady riding the bus.... no matter what. And that's how he is. When Kris and I needed a ride home from the airport this week, and he had a meeting planned, he said, "let me know- if you need- our meeting will be a drive to the airport." Joel, also committed to something else (and who drove us already TO the airport), let me know he'd make it work if needed. But it wasn't, because Theresa came, and in her gracious and funny way, didn't even make me feel bad about her having to make that long trek. I'm so grateful for these people- that I can call on, that I can inconvenience. There is a certain quote of friendship, which I have long loved "It is the severest test of friendship to tell a man his faults. So to love a person so much that you cannot bear to see a stain upon him, that is true friendship." But, I think the severest test of friendship may actually be if you can call on them in need... knowing that you can inconvenience a person is perhaps one of the greatest, and strangest comforts there is. You still feel bad for inconveniencing them- but you feel more warmth and gratefulness for them then if that need had never arisen, so in some way, you are grateful to have a need that you cannot yourself fill. Oh how brilliant God is. :)

I'm rich I tell you. I saved my graduation cards 'til I returned from Vegas, and boy was I glad. I loved taking the evening alone to read through each one- enjoying the way each person wrote my name on the envelope and trying to guess who it was from. Words are certainly the clearest path to my heart. I even received cards in the mail from those who couldn't come (and one from a person I carried an invite around for days for and never saw! sad day!!). I am blessed to somehow have been given the friendship of a group of amazing women in our church, Kim Rankin, Linda Cline and Lynn Roberts especially- all three of whom seem to inspire and encourage unique passions in my heart. I have a remarkable young woman as my discipler and small group leader. It is these relationships and so many that surprise me with the Lord's remarkable attention to the daily steps in my journey. I love that he plants people like light posts along our journey to encourage certain devotions, water hearts, introduce ideas, grow passions. How much more complex to weave with human hearts, other human hearts. What beauty His ultimate and initial design must be. I sincerely cannot comprehend it and it brings me to tears. He is so much more careful than we think. He is so much more faithful to us than we believe. He is so much more invested in the threads that seem unravelling in your life than you are. Wait, He is the mastercraftsman. (As always- this is for me as much as I hope it is for you.)

Thank you all for what you invest in my life- the richness you bring. I am blessed.

Driving to work this morning at 4am, down a near-empty 405... I watched something bright and beautiful and fierce shoot across the velvet blue sky. I hesitate to call it a meteor, but a 'shooting star' just doesn't do what I saw justice. It was HUGE. Visible fire cutting through the fabric of the sky. Incredible. I haven't seen anything quite like it since my dad and my's meteor shower. Enchanting. 

Thank you God. 

Not only that, but last night I got into bed, looked at the clock and it was 11:11. I giggled at the little girl fancy, "11:11, make a wish." I first I didn't wish. Then, I wished that I'd love the Lord more, more than anything or anyone else... that I'd make Him my only wish. I thought little of it.

But this morning, the shooting star. Then, a moment later my ipod (on random) selected a song (i love!), that was speaking of shooting stars- and wishing. And Toni's (Rosemary) words from a couple nights ago in a prayer over me began to play through my mind.... something about wishing and trusting, and hope. 

In short, I'm not much of a 'wisher' by nature (a 'dreamer'- undoubtably), but I think the Lord is telling me to 'wish.' Wishing has always been too passive for me, too 'wish-washy' and lazy... the lazy man's hope. 

A song I love right now includes a line, where the Lord says, "It's quite a mess you're in, but it's nothing Love can't fix. Sit here on my shoulders and watch it all unwind." 

Isn't that it? 'Sit here on my shoulders. Wish, and watch Me unwind it all...'

A few years back, the Lord gave me an image while I was painting at a service- I was staring down a well and I heard Him whisper, "What do you wish for?" And then a bright light shot up from the bottom of the well, a bright light from the deep and dark. An answer from the uncertainty, helplessness, pain... whatever the exact case for you, a light has come into the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.  Keep staring down that dark well- be courageous- don't fear to face those deep places- a covered well is a deadly danger. Hear His voice? "What do you wish for?" I know you feel you are working, striving, fighting to hold on to faith and trust and hope- but wish, and re-posture your heart and mind to know that HE is going to accomplish 'it.' Wish. A bright light will come, it will break out from the darkness, it will overcome; it will fill the well, flood it, and then escape it! Maybe this darkness is exactly what is needed for us to finally answer that question, out loud, to ourselves and to Father: "What do you wish for? Child, what do you WANT? Where are your desires? In this night, what do you seek? Where do your tears fall?" 

I think running opens my heart. :) 

Or maybe it just forces me to stop doing everything else for a while- and listen, and process. Whatever the case, I find it incredible that exercising makes our entire body and spirit and soul seem better- it makes us well. I find it incredible that God created us that way- to be most alive in this strange activity that combines labor, play and rest... and that there, He speaks to my heart and opens up new thoughts to my mind. 

I can let go when I run. I can trust Him. I can accept that I can't do it- but that in my weakness, He will be strong for me. 

Today, I finally got something: I am faithful, not because I am faithful. I am faithful, because He lives in me and through me- and He is faithful. 

His love never fails. So trust. He will win this battle when the day is done. 

Don't be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better.

...Don't look for shortcuts to God.... The way to life- to God!- is vigorous and requires total attention.

...Don't be impressed with charisma; look for character. Who preachers are is the main thing, not what they say. A genuine leader will never exploit your emotions or your pocketbook. These diseased trees with their bad apples are going to be chopped down and burned

Knowing the correct password - saying 'Master, Master,' for instance- isn't going to get you anywhere with me. What is required is serious obedience- doing what my Father wills. I can see it now- at the Final Judgment thousands strutting up to me and saying, 'Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? 'You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'

These words I speak to you are not incidental additions to your life, homeownder improvements to your standard of living. They are foundational words, words to build a life on. If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit- but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock.

But if you just use my words in Bible studies and don't work them into your life, you are like a stupid carpenter who built his house on the sandy beach. When a storm rolled in and the waves came up, it collapsed like a house of cards.

When Jesus concluded his address, the crowd burst into applause. They had never heard teaching like this. It was apparent that he was living everything he was saying- quite a contrast to their religion teachers! This was the best teaching they had ever heard.

(Part of) Matthew 7, The Message


This is what we will be discussing tonight at bible study. I doubt we'll be able to make it very far.... but I'm ruminating in it right now, and I feel like someone's just tossed me in the dryer with a few rocks. It's one of those pieces of scripture where I am all amens... but then a wave of fear of God tingles down my spine, and I just want to cry. Oh Lord- let me be sincere- purge my motivations. Whether or not we like to admit it, our natural tendency is to work for what we want, and that means manipulating others, by our emotions, our silence, our laughter, our clothing, and most blantantly, our words. I don't want any of those things to be true of me- but at times, they are. The deeper my desire, the more I catch myself dropping into this tendency. It's the opposite of trust. Trust isn't clouds and daisies- it's concrete faith in the truth that God is bigger, deeper, stronger, wiser, greater, more committed to us then us, more loving then any earthly example ever shown (besides, Jesus). I feel like the whole first half of this chapter (in the Message at least) is addressing those ways we manipulate to get what we want... even try to manipulate God into letting us 'have our way.' But the truth is, He genuinely is already more committed to good for us then we are. He just is strictly opposed to short cuts. To our earthly minds, good is possessions and comfort and happiness. Even relationships become 'possessions.' But to Him, goodness is something that He works into us all at our cores, and from there works OUT into every piece of our lives. "Good" in our lives are not possessions. He adds all those things along our path, but then they are not possessions, they are tools and blessings to grow MORE goodness. That's the point of my revelation at least at this point (I'm only 23- it's probably quite shallow in comparison to the fulness of the truth).

I want trust, not short-cuts. Thats the confession of my mouth, and the cry of my heart... though its in a battle right now.

The Lord has been speaking over me the last week, 'Surrender yourself to the battle.' And by that, he doesn't mean, start fighting. If you know me, you've probably recognized a certain quality about me- I fight. There are so many who need someone to fight for them, and so many truths I've had to fight to hold onto, and other lies I've had to defeat. There has always been a battle, and I assume there always will be. The Lord has created me strong to fight and hold on. And this week, He's teaching me something new.

Remember the classic moment in Alladin, where Jasmine in deep anger shouts, "I am not a prize to be won" and we all cheered? Well... I am a prize to be won. That's what the Lord has spoken to me. 'Surrender yourself up as the prize of the battle' and you'll be Mine, because I ALWAYS win. That's what He told me last Sunday as I cried in worship, "Lord, I just want to be Yours."

It's so practical though, and I guess in that, it is a fight. But it's the fight to sit, to wait, to trust and watch for my God to work His victory out in my life. It's not running or hiding, its not convincing myself 'oh it probably won't happen, so don't get excited' as has been my habit. No, it's telling myself "Something is near, something wonderful, dream, keep your heart soft, and get excited!" "Don't try to figure it out- don't try to uncover the mystery before it's time- but KNOW that there is something on the other side of this night." I'm closer to the reality of many of my dreams then I ever would have guessed I'd be. I've put my name in the hats. I've been surrendered as the 'prize of the battle.' Linda Cline's encouragement to me to "live in alert expectancy" takes on yet another facet of the Lord's voice- alert expectancy is a posture of waiting and watching, of expecting. It's the posture you have when you sit at night, wrapped in a blanket, waiting for the sunrise. Alert expectancy.

One friend will get this, but that is worth it. :)



Thank you Lord for my white helmet.

All my hope is in You and in You alone I trust. Through the valleys and the darkness and mysteries, I trust You. Through all the waiting, and the wondering, and wishing... I trust You. Because You do all things well and I know You care about me.