So the past couple weeks have brought lots of jaw pain thanks to my wisdom teeth, pain in my knee/hamstring thanks to weeks off from my wisdom teeth and then pushing myself too hard on my first run back, and then back and neck pain thanks to a car accident. Add to that some definite processing and heart aches and yes, it's been a tough few weeks, and not ones that have driven me to blog.

Plenty of things in my heart have been surfacing, and I know I haven't been the funnest person to put up with, I'm very sorry to those of you who have got the brunt end of that. I feel a bit of a mess, and definitely in need of the Lord to change my heart. Not just in the, 'I am a sinner' sense, but also in the 'I am a broken mess' sense. I don't know how self-help books even sell, because I'm very certain that I can't fix myself. Some hurts are just too deep, and as much I feel I've tried to 'reject' 'bind' 'resist' or 'ignore' I'm still discovering they are there.. and when people get close, they pop up to bite, both me and them.

I trust the Lord can change me, and heal my heart. Even the things I don't understand about it. Yesterday, Mrs Willis spoke on hope. It couldn't be more timely. I just wrote a poem the other day, called Hope. After a time of wrestling with the Lord, and wrestling with my confusing heart, I settled finally on that, Hope. The Lord named me Hope. He put it into my being, because He knew I'd need it as my anchor to hold me and not let me quit. In an honest conversation I've more than once described my life as 'in tension.' It's the best I can describe it, I'm never 'here' nor 'there' - I'm always called to walk some uncomfortable line between I feel. My name means "Pure" and "Beloved"- two things I struggle constantly to feel I really am. 'Pure' means, without mixture. I feel pure is almost unattainable, especially in todays world. And Beloved, well, that's another story.

I was driving home today and shocked myself with a sudden thought. Some of you know this, but most of you don't. I love my original nintendo. That's the only electronic-game-anything we got. And it only really came out during Christmas time when we were growing up. Somehow, us girls still managed to become pretty great at it. Today, I still like to pull it out with friends and provoke a little awe into the eyes of my competitors. Yes, I own at mario. But, I've never seen the princess. I've only ever seen the little maiden chicks at the end of each world. It's the best way I can think to describe how I feel, I'm afraid I'm just the awkward maiden at the end, wearing strange mushroom like diapers saying "Thank you for rescuing me, but your princess is in another castle."

Funny that He named me Beloved. Ay?

But He also named me Hope. Trust. Expectant waiting. I pulled out my notes from yesterday and started reading through the verses again. I only made it to the first two. Then, I started reading through Psalms 32-33. It's amazing how different things look, when you raise your eyes. I can't change myself. I can't make myself believe things will all turn out beautifully, and that if I'd ever make it to the dungeon of the last castle, I'd see a green-eyed brunette standing there. I can't make my heart stop fearing or expecting pain, or stop pushing people away. I can't make myself cry in front of people. But I can raise my eyes to the heavens, to the One my help comes from. To the one who restores my soul, and heals my heart, and my body. To the one who has a plan for my life, to the one who plants seeds of passion in my heart and waters them 'til they become mature destiny. To the one who chose me, created me, and named me Beloved, Pure, and Hope. To the one who knows my heart, despite my failure to let it be seen. To the one who won't be pushed away. To the one who waits, until all my tears spill out. To the one who promises to never leave me or forsake me. And to the one who's love never fails, and promises never fall short. To him I can lift up my eyes, and trust.