I'm learning all over again that life is not about me. It's amazing how we can walk through life thinking that it is, but when it comes down to it, there will always be those events and decisions that we can't do anything to change, no matter how much they cross our will. We can either choose to accept them, embrace them, and grow from them. Or, we can attempt to keep living as the center and become hard to anything that seems to conflict with that idea.

I've become more selfish this past year. I've also become more honest with myself, about what my own heart is feeling. As silly as that might sound, I'm grateful that my heart and mind are finally becoming more connected, and that I can recognize and admit to myself what I want and what I don't want- what I like and what I don't like. I'm grateful I shrink less from conflict. But, with that change, I've also lost part of my tenderness... something I want. Now that I KNOW what I want, it is a lot more difficult to choose against it, for the sake of a friend. But, these are the lessons I'm learning, and I am grateful for them. Ignorance may seem like a blessing- but it is really only an easier way of making decisions, not a more valuable one. It let's you live a half life- not really wrestling through to the depths.

Yes, life is not about me. I plan to write it across my mirror- it'd be nice to have that reminder first thing in the morning, rather than mid-day when I realize I've already made several selfish decisions. I've been repeating this to myself a lot the past couple weeks, "life is not about me." It is not about what I want. At the same time, I believe deeply that we are to live a life of desire and passion- that those point us toward our destiny and are part of the provision from God for us to fight for impossible things that He destined to accomplish with us.

So, fighting to keep passions alive- and accepting that in the end, it's not me that matters. I love the apostle Paul- I love his prayer, "let me decrease, that You may increase." Decreasing, hurts. It's a whole new kind of loving.