In essence, there is only one thing God asks of us- that we be men and women of prayer, people who live close to God, people for whom God is everything and for whom God is enough. That is the root of peace. We have that peace when the gracious God is all we seek. When we start seeking something besides Him, we lose it.

-Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

I'm becoming a bit infamous for my simple, perhaps pointless side scribbles in my books- but beside this section, last night I wrote, "that's it!" as I started to cry. In my heart- I've started to want things again more than I want Him. I want to want Him more. I don't want to waste my time in any dream that isn't cast by His hand. Some of you may think I'm a bit crazy at times- or a bit 'overkill' or brainwashed.... but none of you can deny that I've changed in ways that aren't for the better- that I don't love you all as well as I once did. I don't give of myself like I once did. I don't put you above me. It's all the practical shift that's come from my heart no longer seeking the gracious God- and Him being enough.

I always want to choose Him as my all- but it seems more often then not, it feels less like a choice- it looks more like my plans falling apart, the people I seek retreating, me hurting the ones I care about... and at some point me looking around and feeling very alone. I put off casting myself into His arms until I can feel I'm at least surrendering a life that is great and looks like a valuable sacrifice. But, that life doesn't end up coming while I am away from Him. The only good things in my life have come and flourished the most when I lay down my desires for any thing that He doesn't give me.

I only want what comes from my Father's hand. He's never done me wrong. He's never abandoned me when I've chased after Him, He's never been silent when I've voiced my deepest fears, He's never grown bored of me, or changed His mind about me. He's confident. He listens and waits. He waits. He's faithful and holy and righteous and all the things I will never be in myself. He's pure and spotless. He's selfless. He is love. He's powerful enough to heal the people I love... soften and mend breaking hearts. Touch broken bodies. Touch shattered dreams. Invest His hope and passion into the dry places. Give peace and clarity, unveil destinies, and give strength to fight. To forgive.

I only want what comes from my Father's hand. I'm desperate for there to be less of me, and more of Him. I'm desperate for Him to be strong in all my weaknesses- to overrule me. To work a miracle in this clay child.