We are getting close to the halfway mark on the year - for me, the last year before 30.  I set very few goals this time around, trying to pick just a few with the power to change my life.  One, was get a dog.  And boy has she changed our lives.  For the better for sure too - I feel like we're more engaged, we have to be. And while it's tiring that we can't just cuddle up on the couch whenever we want (because landshark loves to attack whatever she can reach when we sit on the couch), we're going for more walks, we're out in our yard, we're having conversations and learning new things and trying different problem solving. Plus, she's a loving little fur ball that knows we're her people and that's a pretty fantastic thing to be the recipient of! She's amazing. And we're pretty sure she's going to be a really cool dog as she continues to grow up.

Another goal was to go outside more.  Which as mentioned, Magnolia Grey helps with quite a lot. ;) Though as the summer warms up I hope we'll use our weekends for more camping, hiking and all around exploring.

There are a few others as well, some I thought I'd have checked off by now.  And I could have, but it would be jumping the gun, giving myself the quick release we all crave.  And right now, I'm learning some really important lessons. After a looooooong time of John asking me night after night questions that surmount to "what can you do to change this?" And me getting annoyed because I felt like he was making the situation smaller than it was - if I could change it, I would, duh..... I guess I'm learning that I can change it.  Or some of it maybe.  Or I can at least make a strategic plan and follow the uncomfortable steps week by week in order to change the situation even if I can't change the people. And that's a pretty remarkable lesson - you can't change people.  But you can change situations. You might still find that it's not the right situation for you to be in, especially if the people refuse to make changes themselves - but learning that you have the power to change the situation you are in, the structure of the environment, and building up the power and conviction to create those changes - through a very tiring and long process... that's something worth going on the annual goals list.  Don't you think?

Another item on my list, which gives me a very similar feeling is my Guardian's List goal.  I've been reading through the Guardian's list of the top 100 novels ever written since I worked at LLF, about 5 years ago. (Right?) I average about 5 books a year off the list, that is typically my goal.  This year, I decided I wanted to be halfway done with the list by my 30th birthday!  That meant 14 books from the list in 12 months.  Which may not sound incredibly challenging, but to a slow reader like me - it is!  So here I am in a marathon of reading I feel - book after book after book.  I have 6 months left to go, and 10 books!

These aren't the only two goals that require this slow, daily, constant attention.  Like rolling a giant ball one revolution day after day after day - hoping you're moving forward.  I so badly want to just start making ruckus and crossing off boxes! But I guess that's not what this year is about. This year is little and a lot. Little, little, little and a lot.

I've been having some fairly frank conversation lately, asking people inside my industry for career advice.  On a similar note, I've been listening to others as they share what they've accomplished and what they wish they'd accomplished - and travel keeps coming up. Not just travel, but "live someplace else" has actually come up twice in two days.  John and I have talked about this ourselves a lot (don't panic, mom and dad.  try to stay calm.) - we'd love to spend at least a year living in a different state - or country. I guess the reason/opportunity just hasn't presented itself yet.

This week I had lunch with a previous boss that I highly respect - and when I asked him for general advice on what I should be doing - he encouraged me essentially to not be afraid to move around, he added "while you're young enough for it to be a benefit."  I think that is something possibly unique to his industry, or even company, but traveling, gaining broad, almost unrelated experience and living adventures made young employees that much more desirable to them.  According to him, when we're young, any new opportunity, just demonstrates to a boss that you were able to adapt and learn new skills in one new situation or environment.  I find that remarkably freeing!!!

I'm the youngest child with the classic fear of "missing out" - and for some reason I have a lot of gravity to me that makes me less afraid of missing out on the fun stuff than on the "important" stuff. I never wanted to miss out on a future college based on my high school grades - I never wanted to miss out on starting in Sunday's game by missing Friday's practise, even if it meant skipping a party or movie night. I didn't want to miss out on being with an awesome man, by buying wasting time with a lame one, even just for a dinner. So for me, it's more natural for me to think I must stay in the crummy situation, power through, do the hardest thing... otherwise, I might miss out. And here is a successful company owner saying, "Do stuff.  Travel.  Quit.  Jump around. Try out different roles and size companies and industries. Do what you want to do. It will make you better right now." Awwwwww! It feels good. (PS - not an exact quote - but the gist of the message)

I know not all business owners feel this way - and honestly, I think a lot of people need to learn to push through the shitty stuff, learn to finish, walk away from the experience with a full story, not just a climax... but it sure feels good to know you aren't stuck in that one story forever!!

But back to travel -  John and I had the trip of a lifetime, and I feel like 6 months later, it's only beginning to sink in.  I hope the fruit of that trip continues to grow in us and define us.  And I hope we keep taking trips.  I hope we keep living an adventure.  I hope we go live someplace else someday, if even for just one year. I hope we buy a bed and breakfast or open a restaurant or start a business. I hope we help our city.  I hope we think up a good opportunity/solution for those facing homelessness in our community - even if it is just providing one of their basic needs.  I hope we see the world and keep letting it teach us how to better see the world.

I also hope I find that job that I love. That I feel made for.  That thing that makes my spirit say, this is it. This is what I went to school for - this is what I worked through all those other roles and experiences for - this is what I'm for!  Most likely I'll find it by continuing to move forward... and maybe a little bit more moving around, maybe even taking a wild risk or two. Maybe more doing what I want...less doing what I've done.

People who inspire me on this: Madison Unger, Jordyn Cline, my sister, my husband. They know doing what you want isn't easy either - but they're forging paths in the direction of what burns inside them rather than disassociating from their dreams for a paycheck.

I don't think I have genuinely and truly obsessed over something since the start of college.  I mean, I've hit ruts here and there, I've felt pain and struggled through it. But really truly found my self falling into the same dangerous, painful mental cycles over and over and over - it's been a long time since then.  But lately, I find myself there.  I find my mind gets literally stuck, and while I pray, read, recite, read, listen to music and try to force myself to sing along with the lyrics - still, I get stuck. It's a rough patch and probably serving me a good reminder that it is not as simple as I'd come to remember it - "just replace your thoughts."

I think I'm going to tell myself I'm allowed to think those thoughts all I want - that's the science of it right? So I've been told. Telling yourself you can't think those thoughts, makes your mind immediately run off to find those forbidden fields. So yes, brain, mind, you can think them all you want... until 2015.  Then we're done.  Then, we'll be done talking about them.  We can journal them perhaps, maybe sort out final, actual meaningful ends, but besides that, we're done muddying our mental waters.

And with that resolution, I've had another I've been playing around with - deleting Instagram from my phone. I already deleted Facebook from there and find I'm much happier and present already, but I think I could say farewell to Instagram for a month, or maybe a year, and be all the better for it.  I love it.  I love the beautiful shots, and the glimpses into the lives of loved ones, but, I think I'd be a bit more free to just live without them for a little while.  Just be me.  Take in inspiration in intentional handfuls throughout my day when sought, not when my hands nervously find my iPhone and turn me into an insta-zombie, mindlessly scrolling without even realizing what I've done.

I don't like being bad at things.  Maybe you've learned this from (um), any time you've ever hung out with me.  But recently I've had opportunities to be bad at things, or feel bad at things, or be told I'm bad at things - in fact, enough that I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind, and maybe my self. It's the grace of God I think that I also recently gained a life time partner who tells me regularly that I'm capable, talented, effective as he calls it. There are just so bloody many voices out in the world ready to tell you how you should have done something, anything. From making the wreath on your door to selecting your degree - so many voices! And, I think I'm ready for a few less of them.

One of my goals for 2015 is more quiet time.  Rest from the assailment of my own dangerous thoughts and the world full of voices that feed them.

If you're still working on your own new years resolutions here's a great article of 15 Things to Stop Doing in 2015. :)

I still need to finish nine books before the end of the year.  Yeah, that's N-I-N-E in the next 22 days. And yes, that means I have finished a total of zero books since last I posted about this.  Gah.  Shut it.  But I have been reading.  In fact I am over half way done with this really dreary novel about a dead woman, that I'd love to be done with, but won't let myself quit.  Partially because I don't quit books.  Mostly because I need NINE more books and I've already invested a week into this thing. We don't have much free time this weekend, but I'm hoping to buckle down and power through this horrible book.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I've also been toiling through Wuthering Heights.  For some reason I was expecting something a bit more like Jane Eyre.  But this book is painful. Combine it with the ghostly novel and I feel there's a draft in the room and far too many dead people making small talk in my subconscious.

Boo!



PS - If you're wondering why I've been silent, please consult the post directly below.  But guess what - I just sent out my second interview team of the week. Boom. :)

I just requested to own another project.  I walked up to my boss and explained that it made more sense for me to run both of our major pursuits right now, because they have the same leadership team, not to mention I ran the first part of this other pursuit and would do well to stay on it.  She asked what projects I could trade to the other coordinator if I took it on. I didn't have one, I'd be wrapping one project up today, the other would wrap up just in time to take on the one I was requesting, and then I'd circle back with the same leadership team for a final two days on the second project. It would be a whirwind couple of weeks, but it would run smoother with one coordinator across both projects. It did make sense actually.  But just as I saw her starting to agree - I realized what I'd just done. Why? Why Katrina? So I'm considering how to clear my weekends again.

Not this weekend, but likely next, I'll be here. And I think I just realized, that is Thanksgiving.  So wooo!  Nice job!

This weekend, I'm sure we'll want to just sleep in, relax, read books.  It's amazing - we've been having those moments lately!  We both teared up one evening when we found ourselves sitting next to each other at the kitchen counter happily working on our own projects. Just simple little things - I was painting my nails. It was sweet and perfect.  A little dream.

I hope we do find time for that this coming weekend, but like last, we'll also no doubt work on getting all moved out of upstairs.  We are so incredibly close!!  Just a handful of furniture to sell, boxes of clothes, extra dishes, mix-matched towels to donate and a lot of electronics. ;) We also have to figure out how to fit a pantry in our tiny new home so we can empty out the cupboards - and the bar.  The bar is a real conundrum.

It has been work.  It would be so much easier to just stay upstairs in the beautiful 3 bedroom apartment with more than enough space for us, granite counter-tops, (A BATHTUB!), fireplace and tons of windows.  Each time I walk in there I hear that in my head, this would be so easy. But we don't really want easy.  We don't want to be owned by our mortgage. We don't want to get used to living off so much more than we need. And we don't need three bedrooms. It's excessive. So while selling our old couches, donating half my wardrobe (actually, more), parting with some good old friends (my sweet shoes), and always having a little space heater running is not easy - it is freeing. It is doing the work now to free us from the stuff that has been drowning and distracting us. It will free us to take risks. And hopefully it will train us in our habits, behaviors, tastes and expectations.

The peptalk to myself being complete, I'm really hoping this is the weekend we are finished with moving out, if not completely finished with moving in. I'm excited about this new season and our new home. I'm excited to find new renters/neighbors to share our home. I'm excited for more evenings at the kitchen counter.

It's a goal of mine to hit every one...

Create Your Own Visited States Map 

In order to accomplish my book goal for the year, I need to read 9 more.  That is approximately a book every 5 days.  I'm not too sure. But I'm certainly going to try. :)

Last year John and I practiced a little thing called "No-Plans-November."  It felt both painful and amazing.  I don't know why we all feel like we have to say yes to things.  So many things.  But setting an imaginary rule that said we actually had to say "No" to everything was unbelievably freeing.  It was funny how many friends responded "I'm jealous" or "I wish I could do that" when we politely declined their invitations and explained our pact.  My response became, "you can."

We haven't even talked about repeating it this year.  In fact, I don't think either of us realized that November is this weekend.  But then a friend told me they couldn't make a show because they were going to be practicing "No-Plans-November."  And I got jealous.  

I'm sure you're all sick of hearing me complain about how much there is to do and how overwhelmed I am by this and by that.  You're probably thinking "Just wait until... [insert your life standing right now]..."  But for real folks, we are so done.  So very, very done.  We've been feeling past our limits for so very incredibly long.  And I know that's how we grow.  And I know that's how God stretches us.  And I know that's how He increases our capacity. But we're sooo past our capacity. And I think we're learning we need to say No. 

I like that we say yes.  In fact, it's one of my favorite things about John in particular.  And we have so much fun saying yes. We just are realizing that we have to change somehow, something, for this life to be sustainable.  We need rest. We need time to get to have fun and refuel together.  And we need to be able to feel we have accomplished and completed all that we've committed to - that our home is in order, cared for and being well-utilized; that we are being helpful, healthy employees; that we are stewarding our bodies with less stress and more exercise; that we're enjoying life and not going to look back and wonder what happened to our first couple years of marriage; that we have time for our family and close friends when they need us or just miss us; that we can share a meal and take the time to prepare it, rather than ordering take-out because it's already 9:30 by the time we get to think about dinner; that our time and energy are moving us toward our life-goals, and not just around in busy frantic circles. 

Stretch Goals

Back again to dream...

My 'house on the hill' since I was little.
In 2012, John and I got to wander through it while vacant.

Just imagine waking up there - with a view of the water and the mountains... fresh eggs for breakfast (like an hour fresh thanks to Moe, Munk, Maxene and Mabel), amazing local coffee (queue John).

Imagine cocktails and intimate live performances in the evenings.  Imagine "Holiday Inn" in real life.

This is my current dream.  It's been brewing for a while in little individual desires.  I could be administrative, relational, artistic and have flexibility. It could be a place for reunion, rest, and reconciliation. We could have chickens and a garden - and spend mornings there. We could serve people on their best days - and provide a roof for them on their worst.  We could bring people together.
Seriously - I think this is my dream, it's where so many of mine and John's dreams and goals come together - and a place where I could collect the stories I care about most, real people's stories.

So here's my new stretch goal - and perhaps a reason to press through a difficult job - and to save pennies.

Crazy Town

Day Two of Crazy commences now.

But first, I'm giving myself FIVE minutes - and I'm spending those five minutes here, with you.

I've been spending some time trying to figure out what I'd love to do - what I want to be working toward - you know, my 'dream career.'  I don't know that it's the same it's always been...  or maybe it is.  I want to write. But I don't want to keep filling the world up with more words.... the internet has crowded us all with words.  (Irony here...now)

I also want to make something - contribute with my hands and body.

I also love relationships - and hosting.

I especially love breakfast.

I love creating beauty.

I've loved a certain house on a hill since I was a little girl.

And had a fascination with old brick mansions too...

Which leads me to my current dream.

I really want to buy a mansion.  And open up a B&B.

I asked John if our next house could be a mansion --- he said, "Everyone needs a stretch goal."


But back to work -- as another project just got set in my lap --- deadline to client 1pm today.

Yesterday was just over 15 hours.... I'm aiming for only 12 today.

10 Life Lessons From a Navy Seal - Lesson #9

"The ninth week of training is referred to as “Hell Week.” It is six days of no sleep, constant physical and mental harassment and—one special day at the Mud Flats—the Mud Flats are an area between San Diego and Tijuana where the water runs off and creates the Tijuana slue’s—a swampy patch of terrain where the mud will engulf you.

It is on Wednesday of Hell Week that you paddle down to the mud flats and spend the next 15 hours trying to survive the freezing cold mud, the howling wind and the incessant pressure to quit from the instructors.

As the sun began to set that Wednesday evening, my training class, having committed some “egregious infraction of the rules” was ordered into the mud.

The mud consumed each man till there was nothing visible but our heads. The instructors told us we could leave the mud if only five men would quit—just five men and we could get out of the oppressive cold.

Looking around the mud flat it was apparent that some students were about to give up. It was still over eight hours till the sun came up—eight more hours of bone chilling cold. The chattering teeth and shivering moans of the trainees were so loud it was hard to hear anything and then, one voice began to echo through the night—one voice raised in song.

The song was terribly out of tune, but sung with great enthusiasm.

One voice became two and two became three and before long everyone in the class was singing.

We knew that if one man could rise above the misery then others could as well. The instructors threatened us with more time in the mud if we kept up the singing—but the singing persisted.

And somehow—the mud seemed a little warmer, the wind a little tamer and the dawn not so far away. 

If I have learned anything in my time traveling the world, it is the power of hope. The power of one person—Washington, Lincoln, King, Mandela and even a young girl from Pakistan—Malala—one person can change the world by giving people hope.

 #9. So, if you want to change the world, start singing when you’re up to your neck in mud."  


Source: 10 Life Lessons From a Navy SEAL

New Terrain

As I sat alone in a coffee shop in San Fran, penning down my goals for my upcoming 25th birthday, I realized I travel moderately enough.  Yeah, I have yet to have that grand European adventure I've been dreaming of, but I do find myself on a plane a few times each year.  Only thing is, I find myself on a plane to the same couple places each year - San Fran and Nashville. And while I love both dearly, I decided I need some new territory.  Not just that, I realized I want to always be discovering new terrain all my lifetime.  I deemed it a life goal right then in San Fran.  Every year, one new city. It doesn't have to be on a different continent - maybe it won't always even be in a new state - but it will be an intentional, obvious, new city.

2012 (Twenty-five):  Boise, Idaho
2013 (Twenty-six):  Bella Vista, Arkansas
2014 (Twenty-seven):  Omaha, Nebraska

Omaha, next weekend people.
Unsurprisingly, each of these trips have also meant meeting a new part of Beau's family.  I am looking forward to meeting Grandma Turner next Saturday and hopefully understanding this crazy man of mine a bit better. ;)

2015 (Twenty-eight):  Dublin? Crete?

8/25

I grew up with a "teacher" mother as evidenced by the snake skin in a jar kept around the house for years.  A little something along with many other little somethings that I willingly forgot over the past two decades.  Until this morning.  Leaving jobs in our 20's can feel like shedding that layer of skin.  They say snakes shed to allow room for more growth, and to remove parasites.  Both seem oddly consistent with my past experience. (Yes, I guess I just called myself a snake.)

My mom would refer to the snake by name.  In fact, she would refer to his skin in the jar by name. He had shed many memories in our garden over the years. At least, this is how I remember it.  You have to keep in mind I was five when we moved away and left that good friend behind.  I didn't see the jar again either. So perhaps I remember it all wrong.

But this morning, he came to mind. We grow like mad in our 20s, leaving skins in offices, apartments and sometimes relationships. The air around us getting too tight, squeezing us until the time we can crawl out of it.  And it's bitter sweet, leaving a shell of ourselves in each place.  Saying goodbye to a part of who we are, who we've been and accepting the cold air on our new unknown skin.  It is vulnerable just as it is exciting.

I'm feeling squeezed and there will definitely be some fresh skin soon, but right now I'm trying to figure out what to shed.  And how to shed it.  Leaving an environment, closing a door becomes the obvious and easy solution for change and growth for our generation.  We don't like it? We leave it.  But what about when we could change it?  And is everything worth changing? Or are we wasting our youth and energy?

Someone taught me back in college about the truth of trajectory.  It's not about where you are, it's about where you're headed.  Once you grasp that, you realize that every small decision you make in your youth can drastically change where you wake up in your 40s.  Little decisions can be big.  And big decisions can determine a lot more than your salary.

But the whole trajectory truth would be a lot easier if you knew exactly where you wanted to wake up at the end.  You could just work backwards from there.  Some do.  I don't.

Thank God for counsel and wisdom but now, I need increased vision. And vision has to be your own, no one can give you your vision. I have to decide to step one way or the other. And while Mr. Frost would have you believe it's the one path least traveled that bears the reward, he missed the fact that no one else has the two unique paths to choose from that you do. They are both untraveled as of yet.  You choose. It's not least or most, it's left or right.

5/25

1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp

READ:  Several friends had recommended this book to me because of Ann's style of writing.  They felt I'd enjoy her poetic flow.  I enjoyed the book, but I must say it wasn't her style that won me.  I found it sometimes too flowery and distracting.  It was hard to follow what she was even talking about at moments, or why she'd gone there.  Over the top almost.  [Funny, since I've heard the same complaint about my own style.] However, her content was all too timely.  Inside the pretty pastel cover that nearly scared me away, wrapped in all that flowery language, is a woman talking about the reality of death and loss, despair and depression, numbness and carrying on. She gave me some answers no one else seemed to be able to - or said what others weren't willing in a time I was desperate for that truth.  When death seems to be always in the back of my mind, if not the forefront, how do I keep living this life?  And why?  Why marry when I'll lose him anyways? How can I hold on to my parents? My sisters?  Why have children when I'll just be abandoning them one day?  I'm plagued.  And I don't want cheap answers or hugs or pats on the back. About 2/3rds in to the book, I think Ann finally started giving me an answer I could accept. I'm still not sure, but I'm willing to give it a try. 

I can't guarantee you'll pick this book up at exactly that right time in your life, nor know how it will affect you as you digest its pink pages. But because it hit me so right (though I admit I took it in doses), I have to mark this one a "read". 

4/25 

The Longest Ride by Nicholas Sparks



READ: I was supposed to be meeting a friend, but I had 35 pages left. Need I tell you I was late?  I finished the final pages and launched into the complete retelling of the tale to John.  Sophia and Luke add a level of suspense and "cuteness".  I can't help but imagine that Sparks needed to write in a couple young good looking parts for the screenplay.  But it's Ira and Ruth who will make me return my library book and buy a copy for my own shelf.  There's is a beautiful story that had me in tears and longing not for some other love, but to be better myself at loving. A sign of a great story.  My only real complaint, and it's really more the thought of an egotistical girl who has yet to write her own book but feels entitled to advise on the books of others:  The book could have ended a chapter or two earlier.  When it comes to fiction, I prefer a few loose ends. 

3/25 

 The Fault in our Stars by John Green. Incredible book. Poorly timed.

2/25

Forgot to post this last week.  

Insurgent by Veronica Roth.

1/25

Til We Have Faces by CS Lewis 

20/20