"There is nothing like weakness and danger to bring me into constant communion with God."

"That's true," she agreed quietly, to the stone wall and potted flowers we crowded up against, making way for another litter to pass. "Loneliness as well."

(Perpetua, 121)
____

Sometimes it is just weakness, and the danger of yourself that drives you into constant communion with God. I'm hungry to be like Him... but I feel less like Him than ever. And I feel less able to act like Him than ever. I'm in desperate need of His strength- I'm searching, and I'm also just waiting for that glorious exchange- my weakness for His strength. My selfish desires for His ultimate plan and ultimate self-sacrificing Spirit.... the Spirit of Sonship that says "Not my will, but Yours be done."


I'm longing for a garden lately. I know that the curriculum of my classes are not seperate from His orchestration of my life. I know that the sunshine and blossoming flowers and the sweet thoughts in my heart that are dwelling on all the memories in my mother's beautiful garden, and the class this morning where I learned about all the beautiful and unbelievable gardens of England are part of His workings in my heart. I know the promise of spring is near- around me, and inside me. I want to hide away in a garden and smell nothing but sweetness, hear nothing but the music of a fountain, and see tangible beauty around me. Beauty that is organized, cared for and tended, but uncontrived. Beauty that is silent, not shouting in an attempt to be seen or to be the center. No, beauty that is created and is beautiful by nature and be the careful tending of another.

I will not contend with others. I will not fight to be the focus or shout for attention. And my spirit is longing to be that kind of beauty that rests and is seen and smelt and real, not contrived. I want to surround myself with that kind of beauty and escape the noise of other attempts to be seen, noticed, praised, adored and all the rest. It's just too much to be around sometimes, tiring and discouraging. It seeks to diminish (or hide) the beauty all around in order to point out it's own loveliness. And when you are what is around, it seeks to make you forget your own... and to blind others to your virtues. You begin to believe you are unspectacular, dull, lacking what it would take to do anything great.

And the ugliness and darkness and pain- that is even worse (eg, all the Noir lit and films I've had to watch). Spring break couldn't come soon enough. I need to be immersed in Light and sweetness- the sweetness of the Living God. I need to find myself in a garden, just Him and me... and be so silent that I can hear Him remind me who He sees me as... remind me of my gentle, strong beauty. Remind me that He gives beauty for ashes.

Oh Lord, You are what it means to be beautiful.


Temple of Apollo, Stourhead Garden, England