Double meaning to "return"?

(this last one especially made me laugh, for so  many reasons- very clever Mom.) 

My mom's concerned about what this communicates
to neighbors and friends. 

I told her it will inspire people to ask, "Where is Jesus?"  And that's a very good question.  She's worried it will tell them, we don't have Jesus.  Or that we've lost Jesus.  I told her not to worry, it will simply tell them we are deep and we're introducing a very important conversation.  It's now not only a nativity, it is a piece of art, a social conversation.  It inspires questions and infers seeking. 

"...Do you ever think about what an ineffective communicator Jesus was? Think about it. He could have been speaking to 5,000 people every night. He could have been filling hills and shores and city squares constantly. Instead, he wasted his time at dinner with 12 people. Instead, he called individuals out of trees or chatted up one person at the well. And these weren’t powerful, influential people who could have dramatically helped his cause with their networks. He wasn’t connecting with “connectors.” These were sinners, tax collectors and fishermen. That seems counterintuitive to really building a platform. Why did he do it?

Because I think he knew how important relationships are. I think he knew that if you build a platform and when you stand on it no one really knows you, you’re alone. There might be a crowd of people around you, but if nobody knows you, that’s the worst kind of loneliness there is. I think he knew the value of a friendship.

Friendships are ineffective. The ROI on relationship is pretty horrible. They can take years to develop. They might lead nowhere. They will definitely hurt you at some point. And you couldn’t quantify them if you tried. But Christ sought them out. Christ knew what it meant to be known."


-Jon Acuff, SCL

I have to write this before I can fall asleep, it is just too overpowering on my heart.

At dinner with my sister my hands were shaking. I showed her and thought it might be because I hadn't had enough to eat, or that it was a very stressful morning. She thought perhaps I'd had too much caffeine (but I'd had less than normal). Then I realized what it was.

I was supposed to have read this book for Honors English by today, and being limited in time and having two papers to write this week I ended up scanning through it in the hour and a half before class. I read the intro, some of the middle, and the last few chapters. In that I came across a lot of junk. The book was very dark, and included one reference that made a mess of me. (I should preface this that I am taking a noir class on detective fiction). There was a character murdered who had 'dealt in little boys.' In my minimal reading, I came across a passing reference to him molesting a little boy. It was subtle, but it punched me in the stomach as I was pretty certain it really was saying what I thought. Oh GOD. Even writing it right now, I hurt and feel sick. As I told a friend before class how much I disliked the book and why he said "Kati, it's fiction." But it's not. That character may have been made up, but 'that' story isn't really fiction.

Now tonight, lying in bed reading Perpetua, whatever was in my heart and spirit is finally released. God is so faithful. So loving. I am struggling to put words to what is in my heart- accurate words to the crazy feelings in my stomach. I'm reading this novel based on the journals of an old Roman Christian Martyr, Perpetua. In the story, a little 2 year who she adores (he's practically her nephew) is sacrificed. It wasn't that, that most got me. It's when she is hearing the story of Jesus and she is seeing WHO He is for the first time. It's like as she is placing the little boy (Tumi) into the story of Jesus telling the disciples to let the children come unto Him, I was placing the little boy from the story this afternoon into it as well... the darkness can seem so stifling sometimes, and when the Light peirces through, sometimes it's so bright and beautiful and loving that you wonder if you've ever really seen it before. Jesus is Love. Not in a cheap or weak way- but in the realest way I've ever tasted known- or NOT known. I want to tear away this veil that keeps me from the reality of who He is, and His power to restore. I want to magically find the words right now that stop saying the cheap, poor things that have been said before and somehow spills out the throbbing tears in my chest right now onto this page-- that they can grip the people who read this, not as my revelation of the magnificence of Jesus- but as their own heartbreaking experience that wrecks them. I want to feel this every moment, of every day... because if I did, I'd know Him... and I'd actually love people, and do something that really healed their heart and brought them into that same real love. I want to see something real happen. I want to see people's lives changed. I want to see those who have been molested, raped, broken, beaten, abandoned see a God who can make them completely new, whole, healed, restored, loved. I want to see their pain forgotten. I want to see brightness in their eyes again. I want to see innocence brought back to a person who's long forgotten it. I want to see value in the countenance of someone who's long been told they are nothing. I want to see an orphan KNOW they are a son- with an inheritance and purpose. I want to see an alcoholic, not need a drink... and be free. I want to see a woman who has lost everything she loves, and been forgotten by those who should be seeking her good, find a Love that convinces her she can trust and that He has never forgotten or forsaken her. That what she misses, He's taking care of.

I don't want to live a life of shadows, good messages, debates, toeing lines and just handing out sandwiches on Friday nights. I'll do all that- but I won't be satisfied with it. I'm in love with a King, who became a slave!! How can I be satisfied with slogans?! I'm in love with the Teacher, who treasured noisy children. I'm in love with the man who wasn't afraid to have dinner with the criminals and have a prostitute cause a scene at His feet. I'm in love with a God who broke down in a garden, and who taught His disciples that His father wants mercy and obedience more than He desires sacrifice.... and then gave mercy, obedience, AND sacrifice, through death. And then, He even conquered death.

So I want to live something greater. I'm with Paul- It's no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me! To live is Christ, and to die is gain! I know you'll judge what you see today... but I'm not going to back away and delete this post, because the longing in my heart is just too great. I want to see the hurt around me healed. I want the love I feel for my friends and family to become so overpowering that it actually becomes something that's not me, but is Christ and therefore has the power to actually overcome the circumstances in their lives that are causing them that pain, and change their lives as they know it!

"Tumi! Tumi!" Jesus called. The little boy let go of my hand and turned back, running towards Jesus. A flying leap landed him square on the Lord's lap, muddy feet and dirty hands making prints all over God's clothes. Jesus cuddled him closer than I ever did. I watched Him speak into Tumi's ear as I approached, all the while tussling his hair, squeezing his chubby arms. His hands remained protectively around my baby when He turned, and rebuked those disciples: "Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God..." They looked shamefacedly at the ground. "Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it." He stood as He spoke, and transferred Tumi back into my arms with one long look into my eyes. I reluctant moved away to leave room for the mothers who'd come back at His words. He scooped up child after child, touching and blessing, caressing them. Perhaps he spent the rest of the day playing with children. Perhaps He taught His disciples how to."

Amy Rachel Peterson, Perpetua, p 67

Above is the passage that set me over the limit. Perpetua has just witnessed the sacrifice of the sweet little boy the night before, and here, as she is learning about God for the first time, she's imagining Tumi with Jesus. If Jesus rebuked His disciples for turning the little children away... how His heart must break and His fury fly for the children who are molested, abused, sold into the sex trade, and forgotten and abandoned. Oh God! Heal the hearts of the women who have aborted their children. Heal the hearts of the women who have lost their babies against their will, dreams, and desires. I know Your love is greater for those children then theirs, mine, or any man's. I know Your love for those mothers is incomparable.

Don't let us just cry at night in our beds for pity or passion... let it become a holy fire... use me, somehow. I don't know how. But move on their behalf. Move through me.

Oh Lord, You are beautiful. Your face is all I see. And when Your eyes are on this child, Your grace abounds to me. I want to take your Light and shine it all around, but first help me just to live it Lord.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.
Ephesians 5:8-14

We were reading John 5 in Bible Study this week, and I was overwhelmed by the love of Jesus for the pharisees. We typically just recognize his anger with them for misleading, and looking in the wrong place for salvation. In John 5 though, I recognized he sees the heart of a seeker in them. The pharisees SOUGHT ought the word of God- but when the WORD of God came down and stood in front of them, they were deaf to Him. I cry. He told them 'the time is coming, and has now come when the dead will hear to voice of the Son of God and will come to life.' (Totally just wrote that from memory- don't take it as exact word for word, but it's close). He was calling them the dead- and told them to HEAR... Like 4 times in that chapter Jesus begins his sentence "Truly, truly..." Do you hear His pleading with them?

How heartbreaking to know that what they longed for, what they searched for...was right before their eyes and all they had to do is believe.

Oh God- let me search, and let me see when the answer stands in front of me. When you speak, always let me hear. Don't allow me to harden my heart-- OH GOD, soften my heart!

"Today, if you hear His voice, harden not your heart"- that verse used to frighten me. I was always afraid He'd ask me for something I wouldn't want to give. Today though, I hear something entirely different. To hear, means life. To harden your heart to His voice, means to remain in a dark sleep, to never know the life you were created for, to never taste light, to be forgotten by freedom.

Oh heart of mine,
Wake up, O Sleeper,
rise from the dead
That Christ will shine upon you!!
Find out what pleases the Lord,
and live as the child of light that you are.