It's pretty terrible to face oneself.

It's easy to think yourself quite selfless, until your heart awakens to desire. Amazing the sins you suddenly realize have sat silently in the back seat, in a dreary sleep.

Oh Lord, purify me.

Clean hands and a pure heart. A tested heart, one that has felt great fire, lived a great life, and loved beyond itself.. one that has seen such glorious things to awaken every part of it- the ugly and the beautiful, the jealousy and the sacrifice, that neither may lie dorminantly silent. The ugly can be slain, and the beautiful take root. Let it live in the presence of majesty, so it learns humility and courage. Humility to see the ugliness in my own soul, and courage to slay it.

That is the heart of David, as I have read it. That is the heart in me, as it has been written.

I just got a random Noel Richards song in my head, and decided I needed to find my old cd of his... which I did. Man, I love this guy. I love his worship, I love the way he pours out His heart, I love the hunger and the hope of transformation. I love the humility.

I am also about to make a second pot of coffee and get busting on my work for UIE (where I work for those of you who still consider this the "mystery job") and my homework. You may not hear much from me over the next three weeks. I have two weeks of classes, and then finals. And I do not feel ready for what is on its way- at least not in my english honors course. I have no clue what to write my research paper on...

On the other hand, knowing my tendencies... you may see more posts then usual, as the stressful to-do lists tend to make me do a few things: clean, exercise, blog. None really help with the overall projects due. :/

Lord, help me stay focused, and do more then even seems possible. Multiply my time, expand my capacity for wisdom and my ability to organize and communicate my thoughts. Let me glorify You these next three weeks with peace, gentleness to those who have to put up with me (my poor family), and excellence in all I do... with a full heart.

Love you all!!
I am ridiculously blessed when it comes to friends and family!! I am soooo thankful for all of you in my life! The Lord has been lavish in His gifts to me in all of you!



PS, I've been being such a girl lately, since Rob & Aime's wedding I've been looking at bridesmaid dresses. I have been lucky- I loved all three of my dresses from the weddings I have been in. Each have been so different. Can't wait to someday get to pick the ones for my sisters and dearest friends!! (okay, I may have already picked them, but don't tell anyone...lol, let's just say they are a bit of a tribute to my parent's wedding ;)


Since Kim's wedding, I've been telling my sister's I am going to select the most hideous dresses for my bridesmaids.. just because I can. They informed me I don't have a say, but I happen to know them better. When it comes down to it, they'd wear a burlap sack down the aisle if I asked them to. Luckily burlap sacks would clash with the bouhays kristin, so ya'all are safe.

I read this the night I last posted and intended to share it the next morning, but Thanksgiving rushed at me too quickly and carried me along in such a hurry. This is a letter written by Fenelon, collected in his book, "The Seeking Heart." It speaks to the heart of what I've been contemplating these past couple weeks and I hope came through some in my previous post/story.

The Purpose of Suffering

God never makes you suffer unnecessarily. He intends for your suffering to heal and purify you. The hand of God hurts you as little as it can.

Anxiety brings suffering. Sometimes you are simply unwilling to suffer, and you end up resisting God's work. If you put away all your restless longings and your anxiety, you will experience the peace and freedom that God gives to His children. The yoke that God gives is easy to bear if you accept it without struggling to escape. You make life more painful for yourself when you resist God in the least way.

Usually you bargain with God to set a limit on your suffering. The same inward waywardness that makes the work of the cross necessary in your life is what will try to push the cross away. God has to start over with you every time you push Him away.

Sometimes God takes away His gifts until you can possess them purely. Otherwise, they will poison you. It is rarw to hold God's gifts without possessiveness. You think everything is for you. You do not think first of the glory of God or you would not become depressed when your visible blessings vanish. The truth is, you are mostly concerned with yourself. Self-love is proud of its spiritual accomplishments. You must lose everything to find God for Himself alone. But you won't lose everything until it is ripped from you. You won't begin to let go of yourself until you have been thrown off a cliff! He takes away to give back in a better way.

Look at the example of friendships. At first God attracts you by pouring His presence out on you. You are eager to pray and to turn away from your selfish comforts and friendships. You give up everyone and everything that does not feel the same as you do. Many people never get past this place. Some get past this to letting God strip them of everything, but get depressed when everything becomes a burden. Far from looking for friends, the friends they used to enjoy now irritate them. Here is agony and despair. Joy cannot be found.

Does this surprise you? God takes everything because you do not know how to love, so do not speak of friendship. The very idea brings tears to your eyes. Everything overcomes you. You do not know what you want. You are moody and cry like a child. You are a mass of swirling emotions which change from moment to moment. Do you find it hard to believe that a strong and highminded person can be reduced to such a state? To speak of friendship is like speaking of dancing to a sick person.

Wait until the winter is past. Your true friends will come back to you. You will no longer love for yourself, but in and for God. Before, you were somehow always afraid of losing- no matter how generous you appeared. If you didn't seek wealth or honor, you sought common interest or confidence or understanding.

Take away these comforts and you are pained, hurt, and offended. Doesn't this show who you really love?

When it is God you love in someone, you stand by that person no matter what. If the friendship is broken in the order of God, you are at peace. You may feel a deep pain, for the friendship was a great gift, but it is a calm suffering, and free from the cutting grief of a possessive love. God's love sets you free.

Do not waste your suffering. Let suffering accomplish what God wants it to in your life. Never get so hard that you suffer for no reason and no purpose. Paul says, "God loves a cheerful giver." How much He must love those who cheerfully give themselves to His dealings.



Isn't that the most incredible thing you'v ever been told?! I feel like this could have been written to me this time two years ago. After years of His processing, I've learned to not love possessively. I've learned His love frees. And now, I feel like HIs dealings have begun again, and He is purifying me again, teaching me to hold His gifts purely. I still get depressed when my visible blessings and friendships vanish. I still care for myself when it ultimately comes down to it. I want to think first of HIS glory.

Gotta be honest, the dealings of the Lord have wounded me terribly the past couple years. He mended me and it is better then ever, but I am still a little fearful when I hear this word returning a second time, and the Lord assuring me of what I know and who I am in this... I see the windup for a test... and I remember the pain in being broken. Oh Lord, let me not resist You or Your ways in the least. Teach me to Love. Make me real. Create Your image in me.

"When I awake I will be satisfied with Your image"

The internet here is shoddy (word? appears to be since it's not underlined in red). I hope it doesn't fail me at the end as I go to post.

Not sure what I want to write right now, just certain I'd like to write to you all. (Yes, Kris, I am 'certain').

I could write about the amazing MLS cup game last night, but those of you who actually care about it would have watched it last night on ESPN. I'll just say I had incredible seats on the first level (thank you Kristin & Grant!), and both regulation-time goals were scored right in front of us (Ty came with me since my dad was sick)! The game was unbelievable... mostly the shoot out was unbelievable! Next year I hope the Sounders are in it ;) The one terrible thing about watching soccer matches- it makes me ache to play again! Not just scrabbling around at Kenmore Junior High with all the masses on Sunday afternoons, I mean I miss the BEAUTY of passing! I miss the adventure in crafting plays on the field, webbing with my teammates, lofting the ball across the goal from the left corner, I miss battling, I miss break aways- racing across the 50, a few steps ahead of the defense, hitting the ball just right, or tapping it in with my left foot, or the perfect pass for an assist... thats definitely one of my favorites! AGH! Sadly, these feelings are hard to satisfy... I've tried. I think it may never be like that again :( You see, I need a team...I always have. I'm not the showstopper, I'm the playmaker. I wouldn't really stand out at tryouts.

Fun story to tell, which I think my family all already knows. In 10th grade I tried out for 3 or for different select clubs. I made two, Crossfire United's C team, and Northwest National's B team. Crossfire's A team was #1 for my age group in the state, Northwest National's A team was #2 I believe. My dad wanted me to go for Northwest Nationals (I'd played for their club the year before, playing a year up on their A team). My dad's a good strategist, and he loved seeing me play with the right fit. He'd actually watched the Northwest Nationals A team play quite a bit and had decided there was a girl in midfield he knew I could knock out....(I still laugh at this- love you dad!) It just made more sense to go with the B team, rather than a C team. But I went with the C team.

A few months later, the team I chose, Crossfire C faced up to Northwest Nationals B... and we beat them, knocking them into the league below us. :) My dad was happy with my decision at that moment.

Halfway through the season life was pretty tough. I remember my dad coming to get me early from a practice, I lost it crying. I don't do that. I'm pretty strong when I need to be, and I rarely ever cry in front of people...let alone on a soccer field. Our team was terrible, we lost week after week. And with all it was costing us, and all we were facing as a family we chose for the first time to pull me off a team. I don't quit. As a family, we don't quit. Yet, in every visible regard, we were quitting something.

I remember processing it with the Lord, feeling like HE was asking me to give it up, to lay soccer down. My dad felt it was him doing it to me, and even felt quite a bit of pain for it. But I never did, I knew it was me choosing to put the Lord first. I left that team knowing that a year off would make it even harder for me to make a premier/select team the following year, and I expected I wouldn't try again. To me, I'd laid soccer down.

The following fall came around, and our family had begun to mend from the previous season. My dad came to me with all the tryout schedules and we debated for a while. My decision was this: I'll try out for Crossfire, thats it. If the Lord wants me to play, I'll make their team. No backups. I just knew that was the Lord, and as my dad is amazing at, he supported what I felt I'd heard.

Here is what I've been getting to... not only did I make the Crossfire B team (a team up from the team I'd left the year before!), but the head coach informed me that he'd almost picked me up the year before. Instead, he'd chosen to pick up another new player, and he told me, 'I regret that decision, I should have picked up you.' That wasn't something he had to say.

To take a year off, and totally lay it down expecting it to die, something I loved but knew was not the best for me in that season... and then to come back and be given something even better- if that isn't the picture of God's ways, I don't know what is. For the non sports people- you don't take 9 months off and somehow come back better-- but I can sincerely say, that was my best tryout I'd ever had! That coach became the best coach I ever had, and I was able to stay with him the next two years. Not only that, it was the best team I'd ever played with- relationally wise. A group of 20 teenage girls can be hell... and I'd been in situations where it was, but this team was remarkable. The coach knew how to lead, how to guide, how to correct, how to improve his girls, how to father. He encouraged me, challenged me, got in my face, yelled at refs for me, put me on the starting line, and believed in me. Awww. This is what I love and miss. Not to mention, I miss my United girls. :(

I think this is what I was supposed to write, and I hope that the soccer details didn't detract form the ultimate picture, but helped to truly show God's love and wonder. I think this is the story of my life... my message. That must be part of why I love The Great Divorce so much, I know that death is not the end. Good things must die to bring life to the surreal. When you feel the Lord is breaking your heart and asking you to let your dreams die, trust that He will resurrect what ought to be alive, and you may not even recognize it because of its glorious transformation! He does all things well.

Death so that we might have life, is that not the promise of the cross?! ;)


My favorite verse, today!
1 The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they display knowledge.

3 There is no speech or language
where their voice is not heard. [a]

4 Their voice [b] goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,

5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion,
like a champion rejoicing to run his course.

6 It rises at one end of the heavens
and makes its circuit to the other;
nothing is hidden from its heat.

7 The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.

8 The precepts of the LORD are right,
giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
giving light to the eyes.

9 The fear of the LORD is pure,
enduring forever.
The ordinances of the LORD are sure
and altogether righteous.

10 They are more precious than gold,
than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
than honey from the comb.

11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Psalm 19

I went fishing in your eyes
And I found a secret hidden,
Found the depths I dreamt I’d written
In the perfect green disguise.

"It would be best if this obscure chapter in the history of the world were terminated at once, if these ugly people were obliterated from the face of the earth and we swore to make a new start, to run an empire in which there would be no more injustice, no more pain. It would cost little to march them out into the desert (having put a meal in them first, perhaps, to make the march possible), to have them dig, with their last strength, a pit large enough for all of them to lie in (or even to dig it for them!), and, leaving them buried there forever and forever, to come back to the walled town full of new intentions, new resolutions. But that will not be my way. The new men of Empire are the ones who believe in fresh starts, new chapters, clean pages; I struggle on with the old story, hoping that before it is finished it will reveal to me why it was that I thought it worth the trouble. Thus it is that, administration of law and order in these parts having today passed back to me, I order that the prisoners be fed, that the doctor be called in to do what he can, that the barracks return to being a barracks, that arrangements be made to restore the prisoners to their former lives as soon as possible, as far as possible."

J.M. Coetzee, Waiting For The Barbarians

This book is breaking my heart! I am only 25 pages in and I want to stop reading it, it is too painful. The wrongs we can do to one another.

I keep getting blogging ideas when I have nothing to pen them down with and then when I return to an idea to try to capture it, it's already scampered away to some greater mind's hiding place.

I know what you will all advice, and I do keep a pen and notepad nearby almost always... except for the few occasions. Do you know, there aren't many places to stash a pen and notepad (be it however small) in a sunday dress. Most of my writing ideas come during worship, and sometimes I will go back to my notepad and write them down, but other times I don't want to risk losing the moment I am in with the Lord so I don't move... I just enjoy it. And I can't exactly stash a notepad in my scarf.... hmm, or can I? This may have just caused a whole new deliberation in my attire.

One concept that has been sticking with me (taunting, running, and returning), is that of fire. Last Monday night in worship at Bible Study we were sining about being His burning ones, and wanting His fire to consume us-

"Let our souls be like a fire, let our lives be like a flame. Fill our hearts with your desire, let our passion bring you fame."

And I began thinking on fire, or perhaps the Lord was telling me about fire. You can't easily control a fire, and it has cost many their lives in trying to. I told the Lord "Some may try to control the fire, but I am not one so brave." What I meant was this, fires consume, destroy, burn, ignite, heat, protect, clear out for new growth. And if we are really going to invite His fire, we better not be thinking we can tame it.. His fire comes as it wants to come. He's been speaking to me a lot about my expectation lately. Recognizing that I cannot put my expectations on Him for how He will bring things about. He has made promises to me, but they are His to accomplish and fulfill. And with people the rule is much easier- don't put expectations on them. This isn't to say don't trust them, but don't relate to others with an expectation of receiving.

As I walked to my car last week my heart asked Him, "How do I guard my heart?" In high school the answer was much simpler, but I need a higher answer today. In my driveway, in the rain, midstride, I heard Him respond simply, "Don't put expectations on people. Relate to them freely." WOW. Just like that the simple truth fell into my spirit just as the rain fell into the grass all around.

My lesson recently is this: don't try to control God. Man may plan his steps, but God determines His way.

How is it a piano can tell me things I never knew?

I knew now, that it is by loving, and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another; yea, that, where two love, it is the loving of each other, and not the being loved by each other, that originates and perfects and assures their blessedness. I knew that love gives to him that loveth, power over any soul beloved, even if that soul know him not, bringing him inwardly close to that spirit; a power that cannot be but for good; for in proportion as selfishness intrudes, the love ceases, and the power which springs therefrom dies. Yet all love will, one day, meet with its return. All true love will, one day, behold its own image in the eyes of the beloved, and be humbly glad.

George MacDonald, Phantastes
(of course...my favorite.)

How to be honest?

This has been one of those very difficult weeks. One where it seems everything is going wrong and requires your attention, but there is something else pressing for the entirety of your thoughts and time, in this case: midterms.

And it's not the sort of messes you can actually clean up anyways, it's the sort you have to wade through and wait out.

These weeks are hard and I sometimes find myself wishing life would just be easy. But then again, I don't. I know many of you are reading this and thinking 'silly girl, your life is easy.' And it's true, I have such a wonderful life and so many blessings, and I am so wonderfully taken care of (I've reminded myself of this, this week). But then it comes down to the fact that my troubles are real, and my worries are real, and my pains are real. Like David, I feel hopeless.

And like David, I've chosen to say 'yet I will praise YOU' because I know He really is supplying my every need, and furthermore He really is growing me up and drawing me near to Him. I'd rather be a compassionate, tender woman who loves the Lord and is careful with the people in her life then one who has faced little hardship or pain and knows not how to 'handle with care.'

I've tasted the smallest measure of distinct pains, and I thank the Lord that He has but dropped my little toe in them, but I think He's strategically allowed these certain things so that I have just enough to say "I don't know what you are going through, but I know what you are going through." I know just enough to know, I don't know.

This is really me encouraging myself to persevere. This is me reminding myself that the Lord is right now working a good thing in me, and it is HIS patience with me that is my hope for ever being anything remarkable. It's His patience to walk me through these mucks and messes, and to not let me sit down in them. :)

I had an absolute brilliant thought today. I repeated it to myself so I wouldn't forget. I've been excited to blog about it.

What is it?

Oh, I don't know- I can't remember.

:/

Fail.

I'm always astounded by David. His courage to call himself righteous, blameless... and so on. To tell the Lord to search him, confident he'll be found spotless. I read some of the Psalms and I go silent. I think it was in one of those moments last week that I asked the Lord to humble me again. I know I need humility- I need reality about who I am, and who He is.

I'm sure you've all heard it said that when you ask the Lord to humble you, He always does. Well, I knew that as I said it. What I'd somehow managed to forget is that when you are humbled... you feel low...like dirt. I want the Lord to search my heart, not because I'm confident He'll find me spotless, but because I want to BE spotless. "Search me and know me" is the major cry of my heart tonight.

You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. Psalm 18:35

Aww, I love this verse for the first time. The shield of His salvation, and His right hand right now supporting me. And His gentleness in dealing with me is my hope.

As for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness; when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness. Psalm 17:15

When I awake. Lord, make me not a child. Grow me up into you.

For the daughter of the melody and light:

Someone brushed her arm with theirs, another’s strong cologne reached around her. She could feel people pressed close all around, yet her heart felt untouchable and her thoughts a million miles from any of these faces. She closed her eyes tight and tried again to offer all these thoughts up.

The night before she’d looked up at the stars, smiling and feeling wide open. Whatever this was in her heart, it couldn’t be shaken. She wished she could hear the stars. Standing at the car, head tilted back she'd become convinced that the constellations knew the song in her heart and if she could only listen to a star as it fell across the sky, she might be free. It would loose its hold on her. She’d be able to let go. She’d be known, and understood, a daughter of the melody and light.

A song could always make her cry, make her feel not alone, not an oddity. The right rifts could answer questions, for a moment. The music could always come so close to being right, but never really release her. Still, it was in the music she looked.

This morning she stood in the music, stood in the praise. And she begged herself to open to the King. She struggled within herself, all the while knowing the answer would have to come from outside. It would have to come from the King. She was postured to fight for it, her hands in fists, her eyes to heaven.

Just then the lyrics disappeared, and there was nothing for her to say. The instruments gave way and one sound rang out. The electric guitar let loose in the hands of a musician, the hands of a father creating the mystery in music that could loose the captive heart of one so small and hurting. She breathed deep. She let go. She didn’t even know the fullness of change, the melody of light flooding into her heart, her soul, her spirit. The song of the stars had escaped for a brief moment. She opened her eyes and with a smile said, “That’s my dad.”


“LIGHT MELODY”. I created this image as a tribute to a bright side of life. A woman dressed in a soft and flooded skirt, which is inspired by a costume of ballet dancers of the beginning of the19th century. Natural gray and white colors represent innocence and are in contrast with a highly emotional background. Sun streams into the room the moment she turns around and dancing, plays the last note. Heavy curtains part to let sunbeams in. I painted drapes in an abstract manner to show the immense importance of a bright light that symbolizes hope.
Lena Sotskova

Wonder. Realizing that I really DO need some of it, because I'm becoming too enamored by things of considerable beauty. To explain, a shooting star is exciting. In fact, it can make you night if you see one, seal that evening in your memory. However, when you watch a meteor shower, you learn that the shooting star is beautiful and spectacular, but mostly in the way it reminds you of the meteor shower. :/

I'm doing a terrible job of this. Its hard to find examples, because the truth is I LOVE finding wondrous beauty in the small things in life and I don't want to downplay them, but I DO want to make the point that something kind of common in beauty is overshadowed when you suddenly come face to face with a true WONDER. You know?

And lately, I'm just too enamored by what really should be the 'common beauty.'

This all sparked because Courtney just sent me a text, and told me she'd just wished on her eyelash that God would give her and I some wonder tonight... and I realized that wonder really is exactly what we need this evening. We need fresh perspective... childlike eyes. wonder.

Okay, I may have just failed at conveying my thought.... but I will leave it for today and perhaps try again once I have more time.. and a clearer explanation.

Peace. Really though.

Before the workers rise from their beds, before the sun turns the skies golden red, you cover the land with your rain, you let the clouds shed all their praise... and with them I make my praise plain.


[Sitting here in the UVillage Starbucks, waiting for the sun to come up and fine tuning my Architecture paper...did I mention this beautiful rain? Rain is so much better in the dark of night or early morning dawn. Good morning friends- may your today be truly blessed with His love and friendship.]

"There is no moral authority like that of sacrifice."


"As fish that swim under the weight of many dark fathoms look like any other fish but on careful examination are found to have no eyes, so writers, looking pretty much like other human beings, but moving deep under the surface of human lives, have at least some faculties of supra-observation and hyperperception not known to others. If a writer does not go down and use these- why, he's just a blind fish."


"There is no forgetting how we could live if only we could find the way."


Nadine Gordimer, The Essential Gesture

My Heart Takes Deep Breaths

My heart takes deep breaths,
Preparing my desires for another death.
Bracing itself for the years it might wait,
Drawing strength to face its written fate.
Slowing the speed of my dreams
That race away at each new scene,
Studying the script and each character's face.
If slow and steady wins the race,
Deep breaths win with Hepburn grace.

Chances are all of you have a "Kati(e/y)" in your life, so this should come as no surprise to you when I tell you that Katrina means "Pure One, Beloved." As such, I've always felt that purity is a sort of responsibility I need to learn to live up to, or rather, a quality I need embody. But I've found it's not easily understood what exactly God sees as Purity.

I know purity is defined as "Without Mixture" and most of us view it as this ilucent beauty, untouched and undirtied. To be pure, I've thought I must keep myself apart, avoid anything that might 'soil' me. But this understand was confronted when I went to the University and discovered that I was going to have to face a number of "dirty" things.... topics, discussions, conversations, literature...

My dad played a further role in offending my idea of "pure" when he challenged my basic understanding. It was then that the Lord began to show me verses like "This is pure and spotless religion, to care for the orphan and the widow." Let me tell you first hand, caring for the orphan, isn't clean and pretty. Sorry to disrupt ideals here. Christ spent his time with the prostitutes, tax collectors and sinners. He stirred up the dirt. And yet, if we know nothing else about purity, we KNOW He was pure. So our basic understanding of purity seems to fall not only short, but I've found that if I hold on to my concept of purity as it is now, I will never really fulfill HIS description of purity that I see walked out in scripture. I have shadows thus far and that is all, I know something about purity has to do with having no dualism in us. Its not in NOT seeing or touching the dirt- its in truly seeing Christ as the center of EVERYTHING and recognizing where there is distortion, and bringing light to those dark places. It's carrying a presence with us that unbends the bent, and realigns where the enemy has twisted and distorted. I know it surrounds this heart that is Christ-centered and has no dualism.

This was all sparked by a silly comment of someone regarding my purity of mind... but its been in me for the past two days, a growing frustration with our misunderstanding of purity...with MY lack of understanding of it. I want to be pure, and while I can look at characters like the great saint and see purity, I can't quite put my hands around it. So today, I am beginning my word study of purity. I especially want to know what exactly the Greek words mean when we are told that Christ is waiting for a pure and spotless bride, without blemish or wrinkle.... because wrinkle here stumps me. I am ready to have my understanding be offended again. And if this is what He is waiting for us to become, we better make sure we really get it.

I'm thinking on some of my favorite authors and quotes (a common tactic for when I have to read literature I dislike for school...'a spoonful of Lewis helps the Modernism go down.') So I opened up The Great Divorce in search of 'the great saint.' I've been thinking a lot about that character lately, the woman who's very presence makes the children love their parents more purely, and husbands love their wives more deeply. She's one of my heroes quite truly, depicting true love and purity. She makes something stir in my heart and come alive. Like a little child, I see her and think "I want to be like her someday." But I have a lot of selfish ambition and desire to be rooted out of me yet...I love connecting others, introducing different friends of mine, or simply building bridges of relationship by speaking well of those in my life. When I meet new friends and realize how well they would get along with another friend of mine, I delight in introducing them and creating an environment where they can truly connect. However, I still love too much to be loved. If I am really going to be like that great saint, I cannot take love unto myself or for myself, it must flow through me swiftly and purely.

Tyson (one of the wisest young men I know!) mentioned the other day about his posturing when he interacts with girls. He literally adjusts his heart to make sure he is "giving hugs," not ever taking them. I was shocked a bit, and told him so. You see, of all the young men, he is so strongly the essence of a brother. Girls who hardly even have relationship with him describe HIM when others ask who they see as a big brother. He gives the "safest hugs" of anyone I know, meaning, I feel safe and at peace, and cared for. I DO feel like I've received a hug. What surprised me was his intentionality. I am proud to say its clearly conveyed, because what he hopes to do, he certainly does. The connection between that and what I am really trying to say is this: If I am to become like that great saint, and in other words who I feel called to be, I cannot 'take.' Sometimes in my heart, I still want to grasp... grasp onto friends and friendships, good reputation, comfort, my own plans... It's a common re-posturing of my heart to live freely, holding on only to the Lord and His promises to me. Thats really what the 'poem' below was about... re-posturing my heart to not grasp, but to hold onto something bigger, Him. I read about the great saint Lewis depicts, and I am re-envisioned, realigned, ready to sacrifice. Great stories of wonder can do that to a person, thats why I love stories, they change our perspective... drawing us out of the mundane day to day into something grandeur. We suddenly recognize the stakes are high, and we can afford to take great risk, and make great sacrifices. We live a great story when we surround ourselves with them.

Having said that, and bragged about one of my best friends for a moment, I wanted to share one of my favorite quotes, one that is working its way through me yet again:

When you own heart's been broken it will be time for you to think of talking. But someone must say in general what's been unsaid among you this many a year: that love, as mortals understand the word, isn't enough. Every natural love will rise again and live forever in this country: but none will rise again until it has been buried.
CS Lewis, The Great Divorce

I've gained a few new followers over the last week, and I thought I'd say hello. You are a few of my favorite girls and I look forward to sharing my thoughts, revelations, writings, and crazy happenings with you through my blog. Bless you guys!

It's a wonderful moment to tell you all how much I love you and appreciate you taking the time to read through here. I know it's not always the best quality of writing, or the funniest. I especially love your comments (hint, hint). You are such wonderful people and I am blessed to walk through life with you. You each challenge and bless me in different ways, encouraging, correcting, loving and affecting me in many unique ways. Thank you each for who you are in my life. Again, I am such a blessed young woman.