Friday, December 28, 2012

Oh new year, what in the round world do you have in store?  Not a clue. Not a tip what 2013 will hold.  I think I'll go crazy if a few things don't change in this next year, but I don't know where to begin.  I feel less like a writer than ever, less motivated to try, less envisioned about what my "dream" even is, or that it's real.  I feel stuck in my career.  I feel challenged beyond belief in my identity and character.  And I feel stir crazy - near mad.

Sitting in a ski lift in a cloud.

2012 was full of so many wonderful things.  I'm a bit terrified of 2013... like it could take it all away.  Or just keep me exactly where I am.... for a WHOLE year.  I have to move closer to my destiny - I have to see something realized, some desire sharp and clear again or I'll just ebb away.

I try.  I sound just like a penny plopping in a pool.  That's it.

Wishes drowning.

Dreams waiting at the bottom.

I don't have time to master what I love -  I spend my hours wasting at something I hate.  And it is driving me mad.   I know I am here for a reason.  I keep reminding myself that.  But I can't see where I go next, or how I get there.  I can't see how I stop spending the majority of my hours in a seat where I feel dead.....

Dramatic?  I know.  I know this will pass.  Just dear God, please let 2013 be at least full of glimpses.  Remind me.  What work will make me truly happy?  What was I meant to spend myself on?

1 comment:

Esther Maria Swaty said...

I kept thinking about this post.. looking at it trying to decide how to respond and well obviously I was a little overwhelmed :) Perhaps that is why there are no other comments? Hits a little close to home. But I think reality, authenticity this is what it really is. It's not pretty but so needed.

I am right with you. Anchored in Hope doesn't mean we can't share our fears and challenges.

Love you. I know beyond a doubt that this next chapter is going to hold much beauty, and also pain. Much light and also darkness. Yet how would we know to be thankful for the one without the other?