One of the greatest sermons I've ever heard on relationships, practically, was delivered yesterday.  It isn't up on the site yet, but the first part of the series is and you can watch it here.  Since many of you are very close to me in age and ....relational status, I think you might find this as wonderfully provoking as I did.  I love Pastor Richard's ability to break down truth in an academic and tangible way all at once.

I've struggled more than I ever expected to about how to build and walk out a Godly relationship.  What does the scripture say about this?   This one thing.  Nothing?  Obviously, it says a lot.  And we've been trained really well.  But still, there's a lot of wrestling through the practicals and the "yeses" of life - not just the clear "nos".  For me, I've had to be reminded time and time again by others that I do know the answer, that I'm a woman of God who has been prepared and trained for the season I am in... and not to over-think it so much.  Sounds about right, right?  In the brilliant, truthful words I heard last week, "You make it harder than it has to be."  Boy do I!! That could be a tattoo on my forehead.  A theme of my life.  

But even still, there is something to be said.  And I have said it a few times here already.  I know how to be a good single (I think).   I had a lot of years to learn it.  And of course - I still screwed up plenty.  But even if I failed to do what I should, I knew what I should do at least.  Here though?  This weird season where I'm not entirely my own - and I'm not yet someone else's... really.  I can't use either sets of scales I've weighed everything in my life by before -  "Single"  -  "Married".  

I think I'll make a good wife.  I think. I at least know bits of what I am supposed to do. But girlfriend?  How to be a great girlfriend?  How to be a Godly girlfriend?  How to be a wise, kind, giving girlfriend?  How to be open, and not inappropriately vulnerable?  How to be trusting and accepting, and not give more of myself than I should?  But also, not to hold myself back and build walls?   I've viewed it from before as a set of rules and lines not to cross... but it's not that stagnant.  It's really not.  And the deeper I get in, the more I realize why I feel so unprepared:  You can't just give one set of rules and say, "okay, you got it, now go be awesome at it."  By definition it's moving from one place, to another.  And you only get there by constant steps.  What was best for yesterday, is no longer best for today.

Protecting one another is key.  But I'm learning, you can hurt a person by trying too hard to protect too.  Even protecting cannot be your focus.  

All I'm trying to say is, it's hard.  And you can't study how to do it perfectly beforehand.  I've been given a lot of great lessons and skills.  I was shaped in some wonderful ways to be able to handle it.  And yet, I have so many questions.  When I find lessons like this - that help posture - I drink it up!!  

And sometimes I think, I wish all my friends could hear this!  So only for those of you who are curious, go listen.  And when this Sunday's (2/3) sermon comes out - go listen again!!



[ Had to post this with a few blogs between it and the "wait" post so you didn't all misread what I meant by "the wait".... if you follow...:P ]


Post Script: It's up now! :) 

Most of you know, or have gathered that I've been visiting Bethany for a few months now.  I love so many things about it, and miss so many things from the church in which I've grown up.  I've yet to feel at "home" and wonder if I ever will at a church I didn't grow up in.  I've yet to build deep friendships at Bethany, or even shallow friendships for that matter.  :/

The friendships I do have there, I walked in with the first day.  I'm hoping that changes this year, but either way, I completely feel lead in where I am and I cannot tell you how much the sermons have been impacting how I see and live my life.  Or at least how I see me living my life.  I see a lot I don't like. I am in desperate need of some change.  

Pastor Richard began a new series on Intimacy with the new year.  Intimacy in relationships on all levels.  Last week, he began breaking down biblical examples of community and friendships within the church.  How it was meant to be - lending, giving, forgiving without measure or holding back.  As the strong, holding up the weak.  And then, being weak and allowing others to help us up when they've grown strong.  

We might get tired of helping others, but ultimately, it's the role we all choose.  We like to be the strong.  And we hate to be the weak.  We hate to share our weak thoughts.  We hate to show our weak needs.

All the while forgetting that He chose to work through flesh and blood on this earth, and while we know we are weak and He is strong - we dare not accept that the way to accessing His strength might be the humble route of letting our friends be strong.  

When we see others in need we hold back enough to ensure we won't become weak.  We'll do a lot in fact to ensure we don't have to become weak... or appear weak.  

I find myself hungering more and more for those relationships who've let me be weak, and who let me be strong.  Oddly enough, many of them are also the friendships who are becoming more and more out of my usual daily schedule.  They aren't convenient by any standard.  Most of them aren't next to me on Sunday, across the street any more, or even a short drive.  I can feel how every current would just pull me out and off if I don't keep calling, scheduling, and intentionally choosing to go deep. 

Pastor Richard gave an example that has long been a story in my mind - CS Lewis's description of hell in The Great Divorce.  According to Lewis's telling, hell is where we get everything we desire, at the expense of intimacy with those we love.  And it looks terrifying just like the place we live right now.  This life seems designed to stretch us further and further apart from one another, and it takes a fight to hold fast to real relationships.  

I refuse to go far from those who are deep. 

Before I tell you this question, I'm going to tell you something even more important.

I'm not sure there's really an answer.

That said, I've been thinking a lot about investing.  How to invest in a way that lasts.  I won't be all coy about it, I'll just come out and say it:  We never know which relationships in our lives will last forever, and which will end tomorrow.  What seems most important today, may end up not tomorrow.  And what seems less important may in fact become a sort of lifeline to us one day. 

We can weigh the past.  We can consider who has stood beside us in previous trials, who has held our hand when we cried.  Who has woken us with coffee and who has fallen asleep to our most honest mumblings.  But ultimately, that is no promise.  And that's not even considering wrongs - just truths.  That some times we are called to be close, and sometimes we are not.  Some friendships are for seasons, and while our heart may ache for them one day we might be called different ways.  That's not to say our hearts won't stay close maybe, or that we wont look forward to a renewed friendship in a different season.  Or maybe we wont. Who knows.

I'm faithful.  I love long, deep, true friendships.  I have many that I've had all my life.  And they've looked different in different seasons.  This isn't out of hurt, distrust, or disappointment that I say it.  It's just the truth that we don't know what tomorrow will look like, or who will be standing beside us.  And therefore, how do we know how to invest?  Who becomes the priorities in our life?

As I said, I don't think there's an answer.  Except that, to some degree, it's not about worrying if they will be there forever.  It's about investing today because you know God placed them in your today.  And that frees you both up to not put weird expectations on one another or act out of fear of losing each other.  Our investments reap broader than in that one direct line held on one side by you and the other by a friend.  We reap in our hearts so much more - so many lessons, so much change.  We learn to love and to forgive. We learn how to be a friend.  We learn how to listen and how to share.  What is our business and what is not.  What is our fight, and what is not.  And our friends learn the same.  We become blessings in each other's lives each day - and if we are lucky, we get that for the rest of our lives with them. 

But we don't know.  So from time to time I think we have to ask, how do I invest in a way that lasts?  And I think we do that by loving them in a way that will leave an investment in their life and in our own, even if we find ourselves in two very different places a year down the road.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I think healthy relationships grow when we focus on the other person and serving them, not so much on the relationship itself.  Because that relationship will change. Guarantee it.  But if your focus is on the other person, loving them, that relationship will almost always remain - and with the freedom to grow and change through the seasons as it must.  It will become a blessing to you both, rather than a rope that strangles you. ;)

I could be wrong - and some of you have relationships that have lasted 20 years longer than any of mine - so I'm more than eager to hear.  How do you invest in a way that lasts, especially through a time as turbulent as the twenties?

I think single people fall into thinking that they will suddenly become someone else when they meet the right person.  I've heard it a lot.  Like that person's very presence in your life will suddenly change who you are.  Yes, I am sure they will make you want to be better, they'll inspire you, make you love more and deeper... but you'll still be you.  The you you are today.  There isn't this person you are today and this magical creature you're transformed into when you meet the prince(ss).  If you want to behave a certain way when you meet that person, you'd better start today.  Habits you don't want to have? Start changing them now - because love doesn't magically break habits in seconds.  They are built over years, and they're broken over years. 

Anywho, just a thought.  Stop thinking that when that person walks into your life - they'll somehow change you into who you've been dreaming of being.  They wont.  And there's a good chance, they won't even pay you a second glance - because they aren't looking for the frog that's been dreaming of being turned into a prince.  They're looking for a man (or woman).


You might not think you struggle with this at all - but if you take a better listen into your conversation, you'll probably be surprised to hear hints that it's made its way in to your thinking.  I don't know how or why, but we all seem to be plagued a bit with this concept that somehow when you meet that right person, everything changes - including you.  I'll go ahead and blame it on movies (Hollywood is a great scapegoat) - the bad boy suddenly meeting the right girl and changing his ways in 20 minutes. But, I think it's just as ingrained in some of our church relationship ideas (not as easy of a scapegoat, so I'm not going to sit and widdle through that one) - if you wait for the right person, everything will be perfect, including you.

What if you suddenly don't change?  What if you find yourself with the person of your dreams, and realizing you aren't the man or woman you'd always dreamed you'd be for them?  Instead, you're still a selfish, immature mess with eyes that wander and emotions that drive them?  I think that would be a certain sort of hell - to watch yourself fail the person you want more than anything to serve and love.

Anyways, my morning bus thoughts - dear God, change me now. 

On the list of Things I Like:

When people don't market.  I love that Kate & Tom have never really pushed their music or set about marketing themselves.  Authentic.  That's one thing I loved about The Sweet Life in Paris.  The author described how different the culture is in Paris.  No one markets their products, be it cheese, chocolate or dry cleaning.  If it's good, they believe it deserves respect and you're lucky if they let you buy it.  Here, we sell ourselves over a cup of coffee. Communication is key.  Selling yourself is not.  If you've got a good product, and clear avenues to make it available to people, I feel like you don't need to sell yourself and chalk people and relationships off as a network.  I know there is a balance, and I understand I am not a master at business, but I want to believe that authentic, quality products and people will win out in the end, and when I come across them, I want to help them succeed.  I guess if I ever do write a book, that will be the real test.  We need people for it all, we  need people who have the right connections and who respect us and perhaps even care about us.  To be frank, most of my life I owe to exactly those sort of connections and people.  But I will never mark a person down as a network, or build a relationship for a connection. When I write a book, I'd almost like to keep it quiet.  It's probably arrogant of me to think that my book would be successful while I was trying to keep it a secret.  But, that's exactly what I'd like to imagine myself doing.  I don't want you to buy my book because I paid for people to find the words you want to hear about a book, or it was spammed across your Facebook.  Buy it because a friend whose word you take about good books told you they enjoyed it.  Buy it because you picked it up someplace when you were wandering all alone, and you fell in love with a sentence you found inside.  You walked away and it seemed wrapped around your heart and when you thought about it again the next day you almost imagined some little ocean opening up inside you that seemed like longing, but for what you couldn't say.  It felt like your favorite musical piece that lead you to cry when you first felt the rhythm and heard the melody swell up inside your own throat. And if you go back and buy it,  never telling another about it, but keeping it as your own and your favorite.  I'll like you just the same. 

Just a thought.  From a girl who's worked in marketing for nearly 5 years.  Odd, perhaps.  I love communicating good products.  I don't like schemes, smoke screens or recycling "key words." Forget the fanfare, find a need and share a solution.