February?

This is the sight that greets me at the steps to the Quad. How could today not be lovely?

The Lord's been faithfully revealing a lot of self-love in me. It's painful to see how much I still prefer myself. How I'll still choose what I want, and still hope that He gives me my desires, even when they cross the desires of those I care for. I'm seeing jealousy in my own heart.

Painful.

As always, Fenelon broke right into it all last night as I opened up to the next page of The Seeking Heart. He encouraged me just to die. In fact, he points out that even seeking to die, is actually impatience. We have to be patient to let the Lord accomplish His work in us, not trying to preserve our own lives or wills, and also not trying to rush our dying to certain things. The Lord is faithful. Fenelon says, "DO NOTHING."

That seems contrary to everything I know.

But it's exactly the Word of the Lord for me right now, I know it. Even my horoscope last week (It was on a counter in a coffee shop lol, I didn't go searching...calm down) said "Fulfill your commitments, but don't add any new."

Last night we studied the second part of John 5, and I continued to be impacted by the words of Jesus:

I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me. (v 30)

My judgment is JUST because I SEEK NOT MY OWN WILL. I want to be just. The last couple weeks I keep hearing Father remind me, "Seek first the Kingdom of God and all else will be added." And Jesus' words, "I must be about my Father's business." I want that to become my preoccupation- my disposition.

There is so much of me, still in me, how can I be just until finally I seek not my own will, but the will of Him who sent me? How can I be loving, while I am still fighting my own cause? In the same chapter (John 5), Jesus tells the Pharisees that they do not have the love of God in them, and that they seek glory from men rather than from God.

I've never realized just how strong the danger is of me becoming a Pharisee. Those men sought... just as I aim to seek. Jesus said that they "sought out the scripture" (v 39). They sacrificed. They fasted. They prayed. The believed in The Father. They followed the law better than I ever have. The only thing that sets me apart from them, is my willingness to hear and obey the Son of God. I believe in Jesus, but even the demons do. There's something more that must distinguish me.

Truly, truly, I say to you, an hour is coming, and is now here, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself.... You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. (25-26, 39-40).

When the Word crosses my will, when the Voice of Jesus reveals just how far from His disposition mine is, will I come to Him? That's what I discovered last night. The scripture is sharper than a two-edged sword, separating spirit and flesh... but its power is in its ability to draw us to Jesus. If we do not choose to 'come to Him' when it cuts us, we cut ourselves off from the life. We leave ourselves a broken mess, life-less.

The Word's been cutting me an awful lot lately- and my prayer is that I run to Jesus. I want to be one with Him and His Father, like they are one.

He's a clever man to have taught us to pray, Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done...

Rather than seeking to surrender (which would manage to still keep me calling the shots of when I live and when I die), I'm simply going to seek His Kingdom, seek His will, seek His face. Because if I find the King, I'll find the Kingdom. And if I seek His kingdom, I have it in good authority the King will take care of the rest for me, amidst my seeking heart.

No greater love has the earth seen than this, than a King lay down His life for His people. I want to find that King; not in theory, not in myth, not in some abstract feeling. I want to shine like Moses' face and John's life (Jn 5:35), the disposition of one of His people, one who's looked into the King's eyes and found there the commitment, "yes, you are mine. you are chosen. when I died, I died for you." I think He died for all, but few seek His face to find that they were indeed one of those chosen to live. I wish more would seek. If I seek, and I shine as a lamp, perhaps more will find the courage to seek His face, and look bravely into the eyes and discover that their deepest fear (that they are excluded from that gift of salvation) is not real. How would our lives change if we sought Him 'till we found Him? How would our lives change if we had the courage to look- and to see the answer? I think we'd ignite.

I hope I do.

Once again, Let hope arise and darkness tremble.