I do not have it all figured out, but God never asked me to start living once I figured my life out. I am going to live and allow Him to mold me throughout the journey. I am going to begin with who I am today and allow Him to use every mistake I make, challenge I face, and circumstance to grow me into the woman I am suppose to be.

I was reading through a friend's blog and was spoken to by this. (Hopefully she doesn't mind me sharing it.) It's tough when you make a mistake, to let God use it to grow you into the woman you are supposed to be. Or even see that as possible. I'm hurting and facing shame, and it's not a fun place to be. I don't know how He can use this to make me more into His image, accept that I feel deeply humbled, and even still am having to choose to get over myself. I am a sinner. And I am in desperate need of a Savior. It's challenging right now- but I believe it will be freeing as I get better at it- but I want to truly learn to live as I am today and not be afraid of corrections and readjustments that come along the way. As many have said, it's so much easier to turn a moving car than a parked one, right? How much easier it seems it would be for God to mold us while we are living, then while we are stuck in neutral or park-- afraid to make a wrong a turn, or remembering the wrong streets we've already turned down and beating ourselves up for it.

I am not as perfect and pure and gentle and loving and faithful as the young people that surround me. I think at one time, I thought perhaps I was... at least on my second 'chance.' I'm past my 'second chance' now and realizing, I'm not. And while that partly makes me want to just stop and kick myself or pull away- instead, I'm accepting that God already knows this, and still laid out His best plan for my life.

On Saturday night, I was at Emerge (our young professionals and college age group), and while I was in worship and we were singing "We want more." I realized, I REALLY do want more, because I need more. A weak gospel wouldn't be enough to save this little sinner's heart. A weak Jesus wouldn't be enough to make her feel loved or forgiven, and especially not destined. Only an indescribably powerful gospel that could take a self-assured religious murderer, and turn him into an apostle of grace.

I need a more powerful gospel. I know it's there, I've just been too self-assured to see it. I haven't felt 'sick' enough to realize how much I NEED that doctor.