I want to only want what Father has for me. I don't want to get caught up staring at the moonlight on the water- and not look up to see the moon herself. I've been challenged this week by a couple people in regards to whether or not I am going to miss what Father has for me, because I'm too stuck on what I want. It's like the child who wont let go of the handful of grass he's picked himself, in order to receive the candy from his mom. Or rather than grass... maybe bark, because it seems to be hurting in a lingering and unfindable way too.

So yes, as I start to hurt, I keep saying to myself, "I only want what father has for me." I know He has good things stored up for me. The most important people in my life have always spoken such exciting and wonderful things over me and into me. They call me out as exceptional- usually I wonder where they see what they are talking about. They've helped me to dream. They've told me to lift my eyes, dream, don't despair, and remember that I was "made to fly." They remind me that I'm "a catch." They help me to not give up, despair, or settle. They remind me that today was hard, but tomorrow will be better. That Father loves me, and they do too. That I am loveable.

And truly, that's what I am setting my heart on again. I am a sinner, but loved, and saved. And whatever He has for me is going to come out of His love and unimagineable power and creativity. He creates with beauty and covers things in layers of wonder. He plays with mystery and delights in hide and seek. The best I can do is seek, trust, and wait for His love to become the most real thing to me.

Today I have many great things to be grateful for, and if other desires of my heart seem to be slipping away- what can I do, but trust that the good the Lord has planned for me, will fight and not be put to shame? And that which is not His good for me, will not be let to take root in my life. As Lewis proposed, all must die before it can truly live... we shall see what things grow in this tiny heart and in the life that it enfolds. [see The Great Divorce by CS Lewis]