5 Years Time from IRIS AND LIGHT on Vimeo.
I got to thinking about it again earlier this week because my sister Kimberly sent me this other video she knew I'd love. My sister Kris watched it and said "Yeah, it's you." I agree. :)
Lex & Loren - Engagement/Save the date! from Brinton Films on Vimeo.
My family grew up on Elvis. In Blue Hawaii there is a classic line we always quote. Elvis is on the beach with a girl, and a little boy walks up and says "If I get a girl, can I play too?" With these videos in mind, all I can say is I can't wait til I get a boy and I can play too. Looking forward to meeting the man who will just enjoy life with me - be silly, go on adventures, hold hands, and eat ice cream. :) Not to mention, I'm really looking forward to having a dance partner.. I think my choreography would really improve if there were two of us. (for the lucky few of you who have seen the real kati dance sequences.)
But after watching that video, I wondered, how many people would even know that this is me. Is it the me most people see? The past few years I have had to focus and bear down, mature, grow, dig deep roots, seek direction and vision and make sacrifices. In the midst of it all, I've let a huge part of who I am slip. I've become more 'awkward' than 'silly.' And the truth is, most of that awkwardness is intentional, because it makes people relax and not feel like they have to perform or live up to anything. But, as my sister Kristin said the other day when I was talking to her about this, that's not really me walking in the full confidence of who I am. Part of the full confidence of who I am, is a combination of being someone who can walk into any situation and fit in and be confident and enjoy it, and also a young girl/woman who loves to have fun in every situation she faces. The girl who laughs so hard she can't breathe, and who loves to do most anything to make her family laugh... needs to come back a bit more. The me I am with Kristin... who asks the full elevator "what floor?" when it only goes to one. Who used to enjoy lying in the middle of mall floors during holiday shopping season, or telling the clerk to "charge it" while handing them my library card.
Yes, life is busier, and I don't want to forsake any of the things I know I'm called to invest in. And I don't want to take any of my responsibilities lightly, but I also know that one of the greatest gifts I can carry to the people I love is my joy and peace. And I sense this year is going to be about that. Strange, since this year has already felt like one of the hardest in many ways. But all the more I sense that, that joy and love for life are going to be key in coming through it all.
(I know my family is all pretty grateful for this post- my dad has often talked to me about how I've changed and lost a lot of that joy and easiness. I'm a passionate person, I hate to feel like I'm wandering. But I'm also passionate about adventures ...so, figure that one out. I certainly haven't been able to yet.)
My sister Kristin told my boss two days ago that her favorite thing about our dad is his sense of humor. And furthermore, that one of her favorite things about our family is that we know how to laugh- no matter what. That regardless of all the crap we may be going through, we can always still laugh and press through. I love that about my family too. Sometimes, I wish we took some things more seriously, as I'm sure we've all hurt each other at one time or another by making light of something that's really quite tender (probably because we also are all terrible at showing what really matters most to us), but despite that, I love that we laugh together. And that we laugh so hard that dad's face starts to change color a little, and I start to gasp for air, and mom's laugh becomes an entirely different laugh altogether. No one can make me laugh like my family can at a family dinner over a shared bottle of wine, delicious food, and some great dessert.
Peter found who he was, not while he was asking "Who am I?" but right after answeing Jesus, "You are the Christ" (Mark 8). This year I am not focusing on who I am, but as I've been digging more and more into scripture and my relationship with the living Christ, and seeking to become more authentic in love to those around me, I've been discovering pieces of me that aren't in play, and should be.
I'm grateful for the maturity that's come, and for the faithfulness He's built in me. I'm not a little girl, and I don't intend to act like one. I don't want to wander or make aimlessness my task. But, I also don't want to lose that key strength of joy. And it has gone quite dormant. I've stopped being part of who I've always been... and the result is that newer friends don't even know that girl, and older friends and family don't feel quite so relaxed and joyful around me. I think it all comes down to a greater freedom to just be. I wrote earlier this month, In the meantime, I'm learning how to be true, and a me that's meant for you. And that really sums up this season quite well.
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