Last night I layed down for a late nap. I woke up this morning in my clothes from yesterday. Helly Fleece and all. I do at some point remember getting a text, and my mom coming in to ask if I was feeling okay and tell me she made me my (current) favorite salad. I was convinced I was going to be getting up and going over to Tif's to bake snacks for homegroup and told my mom I'd be up soon for some dinner too. Nope. Woke up at 5:20am, fell back asleep for another hour... I slept for 11 hours last night. I have been tired. And it has been showing, I haven't quite been myself. Or rather, I've been too myself. I've been emotional, and needy, and insecure... and while I've been aware of it and tried to ignore it and not let it get out... it still has enough to embarass me. Oh Lord, teach me to live by Your strength and Your power, that isn't contingent on any circumstance in my life, or proportional to the hours of sleep I get.

This morning, I'm feeling deeply humbled. And I'm realizing, grace is sometimes realizing that your faith isn't as strong as you thought, your trust has grown pale, your love has been overshadowed by lesser loves, somehow your passion has grown cold or warm, and your vision isn't really in-vision at all at the moment.

It's been months since I've fed a hungry person, or given something I thought I needed to someone who needed it more. I don't want to live a comfortable life, consuming all that I want, thinking it is mine simply because it came in my paycheck. And the things I am doing out of obedience, things I should be rejoicing over, and pouring my heart into, I'm not. I'm just doing. How am I cold to these things? They were once my passion! How do I trip the wire again? Because I could take my lunch break today and walk down a few blocks and start feeding people, or find some other 'selfless' thing to do, and maybe that is what I need to do, but I don't want to force this change in myself, I want Father to do what needs to be done in me. I don't want to be the one running the scene. I know no one wants to feel like a pawn, but right now, I'd rather be a pawn in a master strategy that is destined to conquer, than a fool who doesn't even understand what moves he can and cannot make. Grace is the Holy Spirit, opening our eyes to our utter desperation for Him. Grace is being humbled, and even feeling humiliated by ourselves. Oh God, change my heart, and be made a fortress in my mind. I deserve death and damnation, and yet you give me grace and hope, and a part in Your plan to restore.