Inventory Time.

While filling up on gas I decided to open the back of my car and take a quick look. When I started counting up the items I began to laugh. Ready? No lies...

1. Two tennis rackets
2. Soccer ball
3. Soccer gear (cleats, shinguards, socks)
4. medical tape; bandaids; advil; individual wipes for my mac (laptop)...
5. sunblock
6. suntanning lotion
7. pillow
8. two blankets
9. scissors
10. wine bottle opener
11. two books (The Magician's Assistant; Prague)
12. a gift bag (just in case....also have tissue paper)
13. blank thank you cards
14. stamps
15. maps
16. gift cards I've been given
17. baby powder
18. antibacterial wipes
19. ice scraper (this one makes sense)
20. contact solution (I don't wear contacts)
21. sunglasses
22. morgan's jeans, perfume, and ipod cord
23. two coats (rain coat; pea coat)
24. bible and notebook (just took them out when I got out though)
25. body spray
26. deoderant
27. toothbrush
28. tooth paste
29. floss
30. mouth wash
31. towel
32. tank top (not dirty--- all these things are clean and there in case I need them, lol....they are my notorious "emergency kit")
33. tea cup and saucer
34. slippers
35. slipper-socks
36. clean socks
37. hot chocolate mix
38. make-up (common for girls)
39. mini-bible
40. highlighter, red pen, black pen (important to have both colors)
41. ipod adapter (always!)
42. work laptop
43. work key-card/badge
44. hat
45. water bottle
46. a rock (it looks like a heart!)
47. THE stick--- a momento from the Blue Smirf.
48. Lotion
49. my prophetic gifts from the encounter retreat/ some choice prophetic words
50. an unbrella
51. window markers :)
52. an empty plastic bag (for wet things...like bathing suits or muddy shoes)
53. bug spray
54. Morgan's stick (not to be confused with THE stick)
55. magazines--- I don't even read magazines, lol.
56. a cooler
57. a bottle of sand :/ (a piece of California beach!)
58. Toilet paper from a rest stop someplace in Oregon.....it was our "susan poison"--- pretty much courtney and I just wanted it :) (and it embarassed Morgan, which made it even a little more enjoyable!)
58. "It Happened One Night"
59. "My Girl"


(I just took out my rainboots a few days ago...and my swim suit before cali to pack)


And I think that is it. Interesting. :/ And believe it or not, most of these things will remain in here all summer...organized neatly in the tub in the back, aka "The Emergency Kit"...and a bathing suit is being added today!

So, I am back from our delightful trip to California and thought I'd share a few of my favorite pics...give you a quick run down of our travels.
So us three girls, Courtney Morgan and I headed out last monday on our adventure. We spent the first evening/night in Ashland Oregon. The second day we drove to Novato, California. Here we met up with the fellas for some adventures!

The next day (wednesday) we all packed up and drove to San Francisco! We stopped at this great overlook and had a blast with our cameras (and the bunkers!).

(Court Sones...love her!)



We spent the day exploring San Francisco and then the evening after dinner (and coffee!) we played pool with a bunch of the Novato folks.
Next day (Thursday) was our "beach day" and we knew well enough that it would likely be too windy for donning swim suits or any such thing. However, it was even more than we expected. Once again we all packed in and stopped along the way for sandwiches and drinks which we through in our cooler and we were off on a drive. We determined to go to a beach that would give us a fun drive--- best decision we made all week! We played in the freezing water and ran and laughed enough to make up for all the studying we'd done last quarter! The sun was out and had it not been so windy we would have been hot! The ocean was gorgeous and the skies were blue. We found a spot that was a little protected from the wind and ate our lunch, talked and just enjoyed the sunshine and peace for a bit.

We packed up and decided to follow signs for a lighthouse...the drive out there had been incredible and the weather was unbelievable so why not, right? WOW! 10 minutes later we felt like we'd been dropped in the middle of Ireland or some place in Europe. There were cattle wandering around and across the street--- the fences just ended. The road lead us right along these unbelievable cliffs that I can only compare to the beauty and danger I've seen in my dreams! We reached the top and didn't discover a majestic lighthouse like we'd hoped....but we found something better.
I'm so heartbroken to find that none of the pictures could quite capture it--- an unbelievable view, without any lines, fences or signs to distract from it's natural terror and beauty. It was so windy up there and I felt incredibly overwhelmed with joy and just life! God truly created this earth with such LAVISH beauty, he mixed beauty with majesty- the beautiful with the sublime! And I was beholding it and drinking it in!
The next day us girls headed to Redding. We have TONS of AMAZING photos from the beautiful places we stopped, but being late, I will leave you with this one..one of my absolute favorites. We wandered through these ruins of an old brick mason building....it was beautiful. :)

Back to school.

I feel like summer break just flew by in a week and now I am back to school in the fall. Only....it's March.

I'm on campus, sorting out my classes and meeting with advisors. I'm applying for different programs and prejecting what credits I still need to take. In the midst of that, I asked my advisor about an email I'd seen regarding credits for internships. And yes, come to find out- I can get up to 17 credits for my job! I am so incredibly excited! In fact, thinking about that...I suposse I could even drop this quarter! :/ Oh no wait, I couldn't. But what I can do is choose to put those credits 5 each quarter next year and I can take just two classes each quarter and still get the regular full time price. (Credits are cheaper if you stay within 13-18 credits/quarter). If I were not to do Honors English I could actually graduate early! But alas, I AM going to be doing it so Kris turn your car away from that bridge ;)

I'm happy to be home...except that I hate how cold it is. I am wearing a sweatshirt and coat and drinking hot drinks and had the heater on in the car! I miss being able to wear a tank top and be almost too hot!!! :) California, I will have to see you again soon.



Note Bene:
It appears it is time for my annual call up (specifically to my family who like to text me or call me to tell me they loved my blog---) LEAVE A COMMENT if you have something to say. Comments are the best part of blogging....those of you who blog already know this, and those of you who don't will just have to take my word for it.

Love you all!
Kati

We will be leaving Novato in a couple of hours and heading on to our "adventure stop"- tonight is the undecided night where we are not entirely sure where we will end up for the night. Tomorrow we will be going to Redding.

The sunshine is incredible here and it is so hard to leave!! Plus we have had a blast hanging with the guys the last few days- yesterday was INCREDIBLE! We got sandwiches and drinks and put them in a cooler. Then we took off for a beach a little over an hour away. Even Joel had never been there. It was a gorgeous drive- and when we reached the hilly coast the drive literally took my breath away! We felt like we were in Europe some place, with free range cattle wandering across the road and this road leading us up, over and around lush green hills with the cliffs and and ocean all around. Literally, unreal! We wanted to put in some Sigur Ros and pretend we were in Ireland or Iceland or someplace in Southern France perhaps. :)

The beach was super windy, otherwise warm and gorgeous! Soft sand, picnic lunch, it was fantastic. Then we decided to follow signs to a light house- that was the most spectacular part of the drive and the view we got from the top was unbelievable. The winds were so strong and there were no fences telling us "Caution: you will die if you fall." Apparently the folks in charge of this area think that the average dumb person can figure that out, and rightly so. We took some pics and decided that our parents probably wouldn't kill when we show them to them, since the danger is already past and we lived to tell about it.

After our adventure we came home (and I CRASHED) downstairs for about an hour. Sleep = delicious! Then we headed to Santa Rosa to meet up with Katherine Danford for In n' Out burgers (de-lish!) and coffee. We literally just wandered around this cute historic part of town for hours, moving from corner to corner until eventually finding this strange little gazebo to all sit at and chat.

Eventually we headed back and watched American Idol and the Office before decided the night was over. Well, over for most of the group. Court and I returned to our room (where Morgan had already passed into deep sleep), grabbed our blankets and snuck quietly upstairs to the upper porch. We sat and watched the stars for a while, talking and trying our best to be entirely quiet. We decided to head to bed only once we got another brilliant idea: sunrise! We grabbed my laptop and found the moment of sunrise for that day. Alarm set and we were out. 6:50, court wandered outside and I soon followed to watch an AMAZING sunrise!! Court grabbed a few great shots and I'll be sure to add them to this post once she gets them up.

After a morning of playing "PDQ", sitting in the sun with lattes and listening to Joel play a little guitar...the boys are off and we are packing up. Soon we will be on the road again.

Love you all and see you soon- hope you are finding moments to rest this week...and I really hope we are able to bring a little of this sunshine back with us to the rainy (yet beautiful) Seattle :)

PS, I finally wrote something new on my creative blog (link in the right upper corner of this blog).

It is beautiful this morning, I woke up before the others, showered and headed out to the porch to read in the morning sunshine. T-shirt and shorts (and yes Kris- of course swimsuit!) Its warm and incredible, with a view of rolling green hills.

Funny thing is, I miss home more than any time yet this week-- and I am probably happier then any other moment thus far. There is something about sitting in the morning sunshine alone that undoes me. I have a suspicion that something in my heart will always long for home when I sit outside in the peaceful morning.

My home in one of the most beautiful places to be in the summer. Surrounded by blooming flowers and green shrubs, a running brook and quiet little cozy nooks every where. It sounds like a natural eden, but it has taken a lot of labor. My mom hands show it. :) I love the "Secret Garden" my mom has created with her love and hard work. And I love to be no place more then sitting on the porch swing in the morning while the neighborhood is still quiet. The kids just waking up and not yet out and about making mayhem, playing indians and hoola-hoop, shooting hoops and riding bikes. The birds are chirping and my heart is listening to every melody the morning plays me. I'm wrapped in a soft blanket and holding a cup of coffee.

That is why, even while I sit here so contently, warm and alive and in love (with Jesus, calm down)...My heart misses home a bit. And my mind is drawn to my mom, and the beauty and feeling of 'home' she creates.

(PS, happy 37th anniversary [yesterday] mom and dad!)

Update.

I'm in cali for spring break having an incredible time!! We spent a night in Ashland, Oregon (which I LOVE, I can't say the same for morgs and court). Then we headed to Novato on Tuesday. Yesterday we all went to the coolest place for dinner- Old Chicago Pizza! Seriously, such a cool environment, I LOVED it. Brick walls and old carpet in the hallways full of doors. [side note: we are watching American Idol right now and I totally caught myself making my "tv-watching face"....I shut my mouth, and I believe no one saw it] After dinner we rented a couple movies. We watched some movie none of us had heard of (joel's brother recommended)...which ended up being one of the FUNNIEST movies ever (everything is so green here!").

Today was San Fran (TONS of pics to come!), and then pool (was supposed to be bowling but it was league night so plan B became pool). Now its American Idol (and court and I eat'n pints of ice cream, YES!).

Pretty much you all just need to know that it is GORGEOUS here, and I think Courtney Sones is one of the coolest chicks ever. :)

Love you all!

Oh, and I got my grades today- HALLELUJAH, Praise Him!

I should let you know....I am officially on spring break! I have celebrated by NAPPING yesterday and the day before, so delicious.

Sick. Studying. all day. library, from open til close.

Home, sweats on, "calm" tea in hand, studying still.

Then a knock on my bedroom door and mom walked in with this!

And then with this:

And lastly, with this:


And suddenly our evening went from this: (we are pointing to 'what school is doing to us- aging us too quickly!)

To this:

I should be asleep; I open tomorrow morning at Starbucks. Yet, my sleeping schedule is all messed up lately and I'm at that awful state of being sick where you WANT to sleep but are too restless to actually do it. I slept for several hour this afternoon again and then woke up restless. I went out to make a cup of tea (with honey!) and saw my mom, sister and cousins watching House (one of their favorites), I rarely watch tv, but tonight it felt right.

When I say "it felt right" I really mean more my position while watching tv. For those of you who more than know me, know my sister Kristin and our specific relationship, you will get a wonderful kick out of this scenario. Kris does NOT like to be touched or cudddled...she will at times, but only if she herself initiates. Touch is one of my love languages. (Come to find out, I am more like her than at first thought..but we wont go into the details of when I love versus loathe affection--- and it IS that extreme for me. We will leave it at this, I ALWAYS love affection from my sisters, and Kris does not always love it from me). So this evening, being frustrated about all the random things going wrong with me lately and still having no answers as to what the cause is, I wandered out and when my sister asked me "have you heard back about the test results yet?" I simply said no, and sat down on her. Like literally, I sat in her lap. I am bigger than Kristin by MOST measurements. My mom was rather in shock that Kris did not push me off, and she had to laugh at the image of the bigger, little sister sitting on the other.

Within moments, I cuddled in a little more and like an overgrown toddler I sat on Kris for the next hour. Somehow, it helped. lol. Her legs did eventually go numb and I had to move, but it was comforting (both in humor and affection) to just sit there (and of course she did play with my hair a bit).

Some of you may find that strange, others perhaps disturbing, and then there will be the third group of you who will laugh to yourselves at that ridiculous and ironic happening. I have to say, both my sisters become the BEST big sisters when I am sick... almost enough to make it un-miserable.

I want to write. No more papers, no more analysis of this film or that book, or how this character typifies this cultural dynamic. I want to write something pure and revealed, something that more then excites: something that awakens and ignites (me and the reader!). I want it to be like fire pouring through me- into me; out of me.

I want that fire to go through my veins and my mind and burn through the chaff that's the residue of the past 3 years of assignments and mediocre writing. God, I want to be re-enlisted, re-assigned to the original assignment. I want the clarity and fluidity of my voice to come back, and to deepen.

I just read something James wrote on passion: raw passion versus refined passion. I'm not certain, but it seems to me passion becomes refined through being tested and tempered by trials. We have to take that raw passion and take risks, calculated risks. I want refined passion: passion that faces controversy and the frustrations of hopes delayed--- and keeps hoping. My passion may still be raw, but I won't let it burn out....and as the fire continues I know the coals will begin to burn fiercer and fiercer, until my passion is refined.

Lord, my hope is in you. I 'study to show myself approved,' but I know that unless you inspire my writing, my words will only be more verbal pollution in this world. Come and let your presence fill this place.

Sitting: at my new favorite spot (upper floor of hub, hidden in the corner with a great view)

Drinking: extra hot white hot chocolate

Stocked: with an old favorite, berry skittles

Listening: to some old Fred Astaire at the moment (itunes on random)

Wearing: my new reading glasses (it's great actually, every time I go to look out that wonderful window I get a little woozy...they are like blinders, I have to keep my eyes focused on the paper or screen in front of me)

Ready: to put the evening away studying for this Poli Sci test!

I really like Australia, meaning the film.

I saw it in the summer with friends, 3 friends who definitely disliked it. In fact, I believe they laughed at me when they looked over and saw how into it I was. After several pleas to leave, I gave in. (In fact, I would have stayed, but we'd left their cars further away and all driven over in mine). The reasons for leaving...the plot does sincerely seem resolved before the 2 hour point...and then a new plot appears to begin at this point. We'd seen a 10-something showing, it was past midnight, and their expectations weren't being met. We had no idea how much longer this film was going...

However, I wanted terribly to see the final (20) minutes of it and later heard repeatedly how wonderful they were. Tonight, my family watched it. I cried. Not only did I cry, but I enjoyed the entire film more this time, noticing a great deal of small details and recognizing points the plot hadn't fully explored by the 2 hour point. THIS is why the 'second plot' is needed.

The final 20 minutes are worth the extra time, definitely.

I have to admit, I am already a fan of Baz Luhrmann. I grew up watching "Strictly Ballroom" and love his other films as well. I'd been looking forward to his "upcoming film" for close to a year. So when I sat in the theatre, I wasn't just thinking about the plot and the sometimes slightly cheesy feeling lines...I was relishing the shots that scanned out across the Australian outback, and the brilliant (almost quirky) scene changes. I was loving the colors and vibrant world we were put in. I even liked the character of Nalla as a story-teller (a point of criticism). I also LOVE the time period surrounding WW2. AND Nicole Kidman is a favorite.

So all that said, if you are willing to enjoy all the detail and beauty and wont be bothered by a longer film, that isn't entirely obsessed with entertaining you with on-the-edge-of-your-seat drama (though there are some exciting moments as well)...you should pick up the film.

I have been blogging for nearly four years now. As I've been waiting up for Kim and Dad to get home and I was unsure of what I wanted to write, I started reading through the early posts. I had several thoughts. First off, I started blogging much better then I do now. My first post sounded a good deal better then most of mine do today. Which makes me wonder if I really am becoming a WORSE writer at University...sometimes I think I am. Secondly, my early posts reference Italian at times...and I am very sad how quickly the language is slipping away from me. Third, it was really wonderful not working. My days were filled with home chores like cleaning and organizing my room and mowing the lawn. I spent time running errands with Kris and then reading at Starbucks and drinking tea. :) It was nice, I remember. I took naps like every day.

Next year I will be graduating. I have 4 quarters left of college; it is crazy how quickly it has gone by. I want to finish with the same level of vision and excitement that I came in with.

Have I mentioned grad school yet? ;)

A little fashion quickly found.

I came across this series on my way to hotmail. Here are a few of my favorites:

Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart


Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter



Paula Patton as Billie Holiday



Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn

This morning I woke up at 4:30am, an hour before I'd even set my alarm for. I remember being very awake, and immediately thinking I was awake because God had woke me up and I could spend time with Him.

I didn't.

Now, I'm realizing today is a hard day, even a painful day. And as I'm thinking of leaving work early to go someplace and be with the Lord and process what He's brining up in my heart- I realized that this morning He wasn't waking me up just because I need to be "better" at spending time with Him in the mornings, but because He knew I'd need those tender moments with Him this morning. He knew I needed to exchange my weak strength, for His strength, and I needed, a hug.

Perhaps that sounds too elementary, and even selfish, but I don't doubt it in the least, and I am totally undone by how caring He is...funny that pastor Norm spoke yesterday about the imminance of God, and intimacy. He is a majestic God, who gathered the oceans and seas together. He is also a loving God, who woke me up an hour early today because He knew my heart was going to hurt today, and He wanted to hold me before the storm even came.

For those of you who comment on the mysterious "other job" I have. Here is a little piece of what I do:

Not going to lie, this press release (click here) was touched up a good deal by someone who actually plays PS3 and IS a gamer, which I am not. Anyways, I drafted and revised this press release on Wednesday. Today, I am working on a similar one for another application we've recently added to the iphon app store, the XBOX achievement guide.

As of last wednesday, I actually know what achievement-oriented games are...as well as trophies. Yeah google, and yeah tech bloggers!! ;)

Tired.

I can't stay up past 10 these days. In fact, I am lucky if I even make it TO 10. Lately, I can go to sleep easily at 6pm! Twenty-two, and I'm becoming an old lady....guess I am following the steps of Grandma Scribbles. Speaking of which, I get to see Kim in just a couple days!!!! Which is why I am going to end this blog early and go read homework till I fall asleep (probably 10 minutes max).

Since the meme is going around, thought I'd take a moment to fill it out about me and my love. Then, I had a better idea, and I sent it over to my dear friend who first wrote down the epic tale of our romance. Here are Madison's poetic (?) answers...

What are your middle names? Mine is Carrie Hope and Allan's is Christopher.

How long have you been together? We've been together for 3 months, married for 2.

How long did you know each other before you started dating? About a week of chasing each other out of their private reading spots

Who asked whom out? Kati asked Allan out because she felt guilty how she had treated him

How old are each of you? Kati is 22 and Allan is 25

Whose siblings do you see the most? They see Kati's family the most because Allan's are an Amish family that lives in Pennsylvania so....

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? Food. Allan simply hates asparagus and Kati, well let just say its her staple.

Did you go to the same school? No, not at all. Kati went to a Classical Christian Private school in Washington. Allan went to an Amish school through the eighth grade until his father decided that for his high school years, they needed to be spent on the farm; however, Allan schooled himself. They both now attend the UW.

Are you from the same home town? Again, no. Washington = Kati; Pennsylvania = Allan.

Who is smarter? Hmm...that is a tough one. However, due to Allan's agricultural skills alone, He pulls slightly ahead.

Who is the most sensitive? Kati is.

Where do you eat out most as a couple? For Kati--Purple. For Allan--Old Spaghetti Factory

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? Pennsylvania was pretty far for their second wedding (Kati was in the ceremonial bonnet), but they did go to Dublin, Ireland for their honeymoon.

Who has the craziest exes? Neither. Kati and Allan both followed the road of courtship. However, Allan's parents did try to arrange a marriage for him with a woman twice his age.

Who has the worst temper? Allan. This is one of the few reasons why he did not make a good Amish man.

Who does the cooking? Kati--in Allan's culture, the men never cook, but that never stops Kati from enlisting his help.

Who is the neat-freak? Kati when it comes to the bed, but Allan when it comes to the garage.

Who is more stubborn? Allan would say he is because Kati is still trying to decide.

Who hogs the bed? Hmm...I can't say, but the fact that Allan is taller and broader than Kati can give a clue.

Who wakes up earlier? Kati does...she has a fascination with the sunrise and loves waking Allan up to see it.
-------------------

I trust you laughed at least a third as much as I did :) Totally made my day!

Ramblings.

I had a fantastic day. I am a firm believer that 'wherever you are, be there.' In other words, if it is raining outside, go out and play in it- mud football, jump in puddles, stroll the streets with a classic umbrella and a latte. If it is sunny (or even over 60 degrees), I'm in a swimsuit, reading a book, washing my car, mowing the lawn, on a walk, or at the beach. If I'm at work, I'm writing or booking planes. If I'm in college, I'm studying and loving it. If I'm in class, I'm listening and talking, and usually laughing (or maybe arguing, you all know me too well for me to lie). If I'm with a friend, that is exactly where I want to be. And if I'm single, I am taking adventures and risks and being outrageous and dreaming and planning trips and loving every little moment! So enjoying Valentines day wasn't much of a decision for me today, I'm preconditioned ;) I know it is harder for some of you, legitimately, and I hope joy found you at special moments today and suprised and delighted you.

I've had a wonderful lazy day. Slept in, stayed in my pajamas till well after noon. I did my taxes (but didn't actually submit them yet) while I watched chick flicks. Tidied up my room and wrote a couple cards, and then just enjoyed laying on my bed...not sleeping, not working, hardly thinking. Aww. Surprise last minute sushi date with aimes and cam. And now I am back and catching up with one of my favorite bloggers.

Should have done some reading today definitely, but enjoyed not doing any homework. And the night is not done yet...

Happy Valentines Day!
You are loved.

I've been at a Microsoft show for the past week in downtown seattle (which has many stories in itself), but rather than blog about that I really want to share the notes I just read from small group on Thursday (which I missed due to the MS show). Amazing! God was just beginning to open my heart up to this very thing (and verses) yesterday. Today, I opened up the document and began to read and I felt so reassured of the Lord's heart and desires for me.

I want to please the Lord, and I am GOING to care more about my character (which HE sees) than my reputation (which others see, and to some degree can determine in their own eyes).

The Lord is soooo good, so faithful, adoring, and just. I'm glad I have Him near.


“Living to Please God”

• Fear of God vs. fear of man – Jeremiah 17:5-8. If you are living to please man you are under a curse. I want to talk tonight about really living to please God, and that being our number one priority. Making an idol out of performance or living to please man can prevent us from really living to please God. Isaiah 2:22 --- Why do you care about man? Of what account is he who has but a breath of lungs in his nostrils?

• I Thess. 4:1-8 --- We taught you how to live in order to please God as in fact you are living… Living to please God and living in obedience to Him is the big picture, and obeying and honoring authority is part of that. Honoring and obeying authority is encompassed in the larger/ overall mandate to live to please God. (Show a diagram of a big circle.) So, don’t get me wrong: I am not saying that you can just live for God and not worry about obeying your authorities. Quite the contrary – when you face the judgment seat, you will be judged on whether or not and how you honored and obeyed authority. But there is much more than that: God may ask you to do something that is above and beyond what your authority asks you to do.

• Matthew 10:28 --- When you die you will face God on His throne and not your Pastors, teachers, parents, etc.

• Be more concerned with your character (what God is interested in) than your reputation (what man is interested in) because your character is who you really are while your reputation is who other’s think you are… God sees the heart – God looks at the heart. He is staring at your heart. All of a man’s ways are laid bare before the Lord. Proverbs 16:2. Jeremiah 17:10 – I search the heart and examine the mind…and Matthew 10:28 tells us that we should really fear the One Who knows our hearts. Isaiah 29:13 – they honor Me with their lips but their hearts are far from Me.

• Performance: what do you guys think it is? Performance vs. obedience – performing in faith is obedience and that pleases God.

• Are your leaders your conscience or is the Holy Spirit your conscience? Do you ever repent of sin when you are convicted on your own without someone else confronting you? People in performance only repent after having been confronted. People who have a heart to please God have a sensitive conscience and are convictable. Are you convictable? Will you repent of sin only after someone confronts you or do you repent or ask forgiveness of someone on your own after being convicted by the Holy Spirit?

• If you were stranded on a desert island, all alone (no accountability), what would your relationship with the Lord look like? God is after the heart – He wants us to really desire Him and not just have TWTL or worship because it is a religious obligation: is it a “have to” or a “want to”? When I was a child I thought and reasoned like a child – the reasoning of a child is, “I better do this or that so that I don’t get into trouble.” The elementary mindset is utterly selfish. But as you mature, you get beyond that. You no longer only do things in order to not get in trouble. You do things with vision for it and seeing the heart behind it. “Not getting in trouble” does not mean you have pleased God.

• Just obeying your leaders is not good enough, though it is obviously a huge part of pleasing God (walking under authority and submission, etc.). We must obey God. What if God asks you to do something that is above and beyond what your authority asks of you? Are we so blinded by performance and fear of getting in trouble that we are not open to hearing God ask us to do something? So, we are required to go to prayer 2x/ month, but what if God asks me to go 4x/ month? (There was a season when He did ask us to do that.)

• 2x at Saturday night prayer per week – in my performance, I want Pastor Norm to see me at prayer. If he doesn’t see me at prayer, it is ok because God does. What is my heart motivation for going to prayer? Beatitudes --- Matthew 6:1-18

• Performance/ living to please man = you may not “get in trouble” but you may not be pleasing God. Not getting in trouble does not mean you have pleased God.

• Why are we so afraid of getting in trouble? If we were secure in the Lord and His delight and approval of us we would be more free. We would still fear the Lord and have respect and honor and reverence for our authorities, but we wouldn’t have an unhealthy fear that would lead to performance.
o There are a number of reasons, but part of the problem is that we are more afraid of our authorities than we are of God. This is not right. This is because man can dole out immanent consequences for our bad behavior/ performance, but God’s consequences are not always so immanent. But He deserves so much more fear and reverence than any man does!
o It is one thing to honor and revere your authority, but it is quite another to live in performance. Honor them and don’t be familiar, but don’t let your “fear” of them cause you to hide your sin or defend yourself when you are confronted. Remember that Jesus (Emmanuel – God with us – this year’s theme) is right there with you whatever you do and whatever you think. You are never alone with your thoughts. So, you may hide your sin from your authority but the Person Whose approval really matters sees everything we do and knows every evil thought we have.
o Self-righteousness vs. Grace Works – you are saved by grace and you will be sanctified by grace. But you can’t get grace if you won’t admit you are wrong. Galatians – if righteousness could be gained through the law then Christ died for nothing. So, when we make excuses for our sin, when we defend ourselves, when we are self-righteous (thinking too highly of yourself based on your performance), we are partnering with the spirit of the anti-Christ. The devil is a total legalist. But if we confess our sins…I John 1:9, 2:1. “Where are you, Adam?” Consider that every false religion on planet earth (throughout history/ anthropology confirms this) is a religion based on works rather than on grace and relationship: Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, even humanism (man’s effort/ he is the measure of all things/ survival of the fittest). Isaiah 64:4. Don’t bear the Cross but deny its power by being self-righteous. Don’t call yourself a Christian and act like a Muslim.

• The key to all of this is learning to “live loved.” Receive His love, acceptance, approval, delight over you. He delights in us before we perform – then His delight in us motivates us to want to do what is right. He is after delight rather than duty.

• We need a “performance” review.