When Hurt Heals

I was pulling into my parking space this morning at Evergreen and I started crying.  Not ideal when you need to be inside in minutes checking in.  I wasn't even that worried about the appointment, but it was pulling on so much more.  I began reflecting on the last 6 months.  Last November I found something that concerned me, and scheduled an appointment with my doctor.  I was sure they'd tell me not to worry, but I needed to hear that.  Instead, after an exam, I was encouraged to make an appointment at the Breast Cancer Center, assured they'd probably just need to do an ultrasound.  The ultrasound turned into a biopsy, which happened to be two biopsies.  I didn't really care to tell people, and I don't really care to now either, except that I don't know how to share what I was feeling in the car this morning without giving an example. That process was scary, and hard, but a hundred times more because it mirrored a very similar process I went through in High School that I felt changed my life drastically.  There was a lot of hurt that I don't know that I even understand or can explain... and eventually, when all of this second round was finished, I broke.  I literally fell apart on Christmas Eve.  And I didn't understand why then, once I knew I had nothing to be afraid of, once I'd finally told my family, why was I now a mess? Because of the process that was going on still, and had been, everything had been pulled out front and center inside me.  Things I could easily ignore, and had. 

So this morning, as I was pulling into my space and once again facing those fears, in this parking garage I've sat in at many hard times in my life... I couldn't help but think of all the people who love to ask "Why is there pain?"  If God is good, why is there pain?  I've always believed pain had nothing to do with God's intentions, it was our actions, our mess, our sin that has made pain a part of this world.  There is pain because there is the potential to feel and the potential to create - two things I don't think any of us would choose to go without could we tell God how we would like mankind to be made.  When we can feel, and we can create, and we can be selfish, of course there will be pain.  But for the first time I had another thought today too, only with a good God could hurt heal.  Only God could use hurt, to heal us. 

It's hard to explain - really hard actually.  But, I feel like a lot of pain I have felt in the past 6 months, and even in the past 24 hours, has been healing me.  And I really can't figure out how to break it down or make it make sense, but in the midst of a dozen powerful emotions, I also became in awe of a God who can heal me of my hurts, through hurt.  I feel like that is mercy.