I'd just been sharing with Esther, last week I hit a point of just wondering if I was me. Sometimes when wonderful things happen, it feels surreal. Well, I think when a number of wonderful things happen all at once, and keep happening all around you, hurrying you along, that surreal feeling can linger.
When discussing this last night, it sparked a thought, how much of my identity as an artist and writer and woman is tied to my fight and my struggle, and perhaps my hoping? And when I gain those things I've been holding on for, have I somehow lost something? I think perhaps I have. And its a loss I am content in, but one I'm having to wrestle through anew. It's almost as though you have to find yourself in the midst of all your dreams around you. When they're more like balloons up in the sky, it's easy to not get lost in them, but when they drop down into the room... that's different. When everything around you changes, and your actions therefore look different too, it's hard to gage if you are being you. I have a new home, a new neighborhood, a new relationship. I have new things to consider when making decisions. My schedule and daily life look remarkably different today then it did 2 months ago. I sit at the bus stop each afternoon and watch my old bus route pull off, like a life I used to ride.
It's odd. She's said it before, but she said it again last night when it was exactly the words I think we both needed to hear: we have to have bigger dreams now, a new set of dreams. She read somewhere about the number of artists who after having their work displayed in a museum, never paint anything great again. They hit their goal and that is that. So much of who I am is fight and hope. Without dreams and promises, I don't know what I would be. Thankfully, I still have a lot of dreams and hopes to fight for. I also think that I have something to learn about living in the dreams and hopes that have fallen into my daily life. Wrestling through something new, and learning that I'm still me. Staying calm, and being willing to be pulled out of my old daily route... because I wouldn't want to miss any one of the new stops. :)