Friday, September 07, 2012

Would it seem too honest for me to admit that just last night I stood in my kitchen thinking, $H**, why did I write that today?!  Not that writing it or not writing it would have changed anything.  But I felt it all stirring up inside me as I stood listening to an obvious comparison that no one ever wants to hear.  And my consensus - if I'm comparing, I'm losing.  No doubt about it.  It's hard to listen about others who have accomplished your dreams, by your age.  I found myself longing to do something truly great.  And I found my motivation to be completely ungreat.  I just wanted to make people regret not betting on me.  I wanted all those who have treated me poorly, overlooked me or rejected me to wish they hadn't.  Wrong.  I know.  I'm completely aware of it.  But it was true.  I was hurting and I just wanted to prove that I was better.  Though I was being anything but better in that moment.  All this was raging inside of me last night.

I have so many dreams.  And I don't want to let my motivation in any of them become skewed.  I want my goal to be to bring glory to God, healing and encouragement to others.  And I want the people who did bet on me to smile.  The ones who have told me all along that I could do it - I want them to be in my mind and my heart as I work toward those things. 

Scary  how quickly our motivation can get off.  Scarier to think that we could accomplish our dreams and goals, and lose the joy we were meant to have amidst that moment. 

Today, it is about who I am separate of the things I have accomplished or the letters after (or before) my name.  We are what we do repeatedly - not just our one time accomplishments.  We are made in our daily choices, and motivations.  That's where we're forged.  I want to be forged true. Someone who celebrates with others' accomplishments, weeps with their heartaches, and is always motivated to do the great thing out of love... and the small one. 

This has been the lesson of my last 2 years.  And my fight last night... and this morning.  But today, I remembered who I am.

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