Thursday, September 06, 2012

I have 4 months to:

Ride in a hot air balloon
Start a 401K
Visit a new city
Submit a poem for publishing
Submit a short story for publishing
Ride on a train
Get my concealed weapons permit
Read (most of) the New Testament
Read 12 (?) more books
Finish Don Quixote
Visit the Olympics
Get better at getting ready before leaving the house
Run a half marathon
Get my domain/website up
Learn a real piece on my violin (that I haven't touched in months)

...and the list goes on...
This year was about pushing myself out of my comfort - jumping in and living the life I've been "meaning" to live for so long.  I have accomplished so few of the goals I outlined for myself.  And I'm trying not to get too hung up on that.  Because looking over the things I have done, this has been a big year.  An exciting year.  And overall, I'm thrilled with how it has turned out and what my list of goals have pushed me into - all the risks and moments and gifts.  I've been being that person on the outside and in action, that I've been dreaming up on the inside for years.  I set out at the start to dream big, write down dozens of fun and wild things, and do them.  Things I love.  I dreamt wide.  I think next year, I'll still be dreaming bigger, but also more precise.  The word I'm hearing in my heart is "single-minded."  Focused.  I won't be setting 25 goals next year.  I may have five.  Or just one.  We will see.  Until last year, I always had goals for "four years from now"  or "five years down the road".  I turned 24
and it became a wild season (as many of you remember if you were following my blog) of no longer knowing exactly where I was going - not in the details at least.  I was done with school.  I wasn't even within earshot of marriage. The door to grad school closed.  For the first time, I didn't have a clue where I'd be in one year - physically, mentally, what my life would be surrounded by and spent on.  Nothing was as I'd anticipated.  And I didn't feel like the Lord was giving me the next step or releasing that "five year plan" to me any more.  I'd finished the semi-current goals I knew He'd told me to - and I had no idea when the long-term dreams He's given me would become reality.  Just this past week, I've felt that changing.  Maybe it's just because I'm soon to pass 25 and start looking forward to "30" - it's just 4 years away (oh my GOD! what?!!).  Or maybe it's just time to dream again - time to set out a 4 year plan.  Time to seek a longer season and no longer this day to day He's been keeping me in.  Time to set my gaze.   The past couple years have been about becoming who I am, in today.  Whatever today looks like.  And I can feel that heating up.  But I also sense something in me shifting that it's going to become a lot more about where I'm going.  It will always be about who I am.  It always is about our identity.  But, it's almost as if I can tell the next 4 months are a season to cement those qualities I've been fighting for, and recently feel so strongly struggling with - because whoever I am, there's somewhere to go next.  And I'm finally going to know a big piece of how to get there.   It's exciting.  And it's frightening, because somewhere in the back of my mind I know if there's a new piece coming - there's first a big test.  And there's 4 months left in this year.  Power is guarded by problems -  to ensure we are ready for the responsibility.  If I know anything - I know this is true.  And it's a blessing that He prepares us through these troubles.  In one light, the past couple years have been the trouble... but somehow I know it's about to get forged.  Because everything I want to be, feel called to be, or think I am seems harder to be suddenly.  And all the inconsistencies in me are bubbling up.

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