A few days ago, I had one of those moments where I felt a slight check: am I being myself?

I was driving alone in the car and was evaluating a bit, as many of us do this time of year. My family has a Christmas tradition of giving 3 (some years 5), 'gifts to the Lord.' It's really more of a gift to ourselves I guess... He doesn't need us to give Him anything. Regardless, they can be anything. Last year a few of mine were to take better care of my body, not just exercise but doctors appointments when needed- resolving health issues I sometimes (okay, more than sometimes) like to ignore. I was convicted by my care of His temple. There were several promises; some I accomplished, some I haven't.

But this is where I began thinking of who I have become, and who I am becoming. I was thinking on who I once was, and the changes I am grateful for.... and the pieces of who I once was that I miss. There's a balance of who I know I am called to be, and it involves being pure, true love that requires great self-control, and it also involves not being intimidating to others. I don't want walls up. I also don't want my pet-peves or OCD to cause others to someday feel like they can't be themselves around me. Practically: I NEED my bathroom to be clean, and I really love my bedroom to be in shape, bed made in the morning, drawers all lined up, floor pretty. However, I don't want to be the woman someday who friends don't want to come over because their house isn't clean.

It's these two battling parts of me that want to be orderly, controlled, self-governed.... and the other side of me that's a little crazy and free. I'm not totally certain what the ratio is supposed to be yet, but I miss something about who I once was. I think maybe I've been trying to be something I'm not... to a degree.

It's easy to look at what you want in life, and try to be what you think seems fitting to that neat picture. But I know ultimately, that won't make me happy. I do NOT want to orchestrate my own life, nor do I want to fall into something by default. I want to be who God created me to be. I want to be who I am. It seems all the more important these days as I draw closer to that 'someday' of marriage. I'd like to be who I am, and trust that the Lord will bring along the man who loves all the seemingly-opposite pieces of who I am.

Perhaps this year one of my gifts will be to find who I am.... who He already knows I am... again. I expect that this is a never-ending process... perhaps some of you ladies who've lived a few years longer then me can chime in and give a little big sister/motherly wisdom....

What should be my perspective in this? Should I be intentional? And if so, how itentional? I know once again, there's a balance of just trusting the Lord and just being but there is also an intentionality that will bring me even more growth and better fruit...

(Mom, Kim, Linda, sisters... others who may be reading... please, invest..)