I am learning to embrace the hard things. None of us like to feel 'unliked' or 'unlikeable' ... if we are honest, we don't even like feeling 'less liked' than others.

It is painful to feel overlooked, or discounted, especially by people you love and trust. You can't force others affections though- and truthfully- who wants to? What would it be worth if it weren't freely given? And given with joy?

It's amazing though. Every time the pain starts to swell up, and I'm face to face with the honest truth that I wasn't chosen, that I'm not the first pick, I hear a whisper, "You're my choice. And I'd pick you first every time." I don't mean it to be cheesy. And in fact, if I'm painfully honest, it doesn't seem to make the sting go away... at least not yet.

I'm facing the fact that the love of the Lord doesn't yet move me as it should- at times in my life I have so strongly held in my heart the conviction that nothing else matters but Him... but my heart's not there right now. Not fully at least. Somewhere along the way, I let other things slip in, and I let the love of others become a greater desire of my heart than the love of the One who chose me.

I'm grateful for that whisper... I'm almost more grateful that I keep hearing it right now when I'm not as undone by it as I ought to be, because some how it makes it a million times more real to me, it's not just my own invention, but it's something true and real even when I'm not looking for it.



And I know my heart is turning back to that love. I know the tenderness and gentleness that I've let turn into a harder version of me, is starting to soften again. I'm staring the truth in the face: life is not about me. Pain is good for that. It puts us back in our place. I feel very humbled by life right now, even a little stepped on. But in it, I know that it's God doing a good work in me, forming me into the person I'm called to be (and desire to be!). It doesn't feel good... at all. It mostly just feels unbearable. And I mostly just feel weak (or "frail" as my sister called me last week).

I look around and recognize it isn't just me either... He's using different means and methods, but I can see a widespread consistency. God's teaching our generation that we may be strong, but we need His strength to do the great works He's called us to [ahem, insert Walter Duhrer messages here, right?!]. I think there's a dissatisfaction with fronts and the all-important concern of 'appearances.' We've always been raised to 'avoid the appearance of evil' And that's good. But, we'd rather have the gold in side than concern ourselves with whether or not our behaviours may appear like dirt. It's soemthing thats been getting under my skin the past couple months...I keep hearing in the words of Jesus (as I'm reading the gospels) that He cared about the heart... He didn't care about what appeared to be. I've been seeing where concern for appearances has actually caused lesser behavior in the end. And I can't get past it, I feel like me valuing appearances at such a high price, is different than the value system I see in the life and words of Jesus Christ. I don't yet see that every where I look, but I hear it in a few. And I'm grateful to press in with those few for now. But what I do see in so many around me, and hear from their words and recounting on life, is that God is definitely recentering us. He's doing a deep work.. something almost unnameable or describable. The best I can say is we suddenly feel we can't go on, and yet we know we must, and so we're learning to persevere and to learn what it really means to live in Christ and let Christ live in us.

I had coffee with Elise & Jeff on Saturday morning, and Jeff was pinpointing the same thing. He described how our generation is so over-entertained. We are used to fast food and easy access. We're suddenly learning perseverance. He quoted Apostle John Kelly from Family Camp, you know where the ball is, because it's on the other side of pressure. And I agree with Jeff, I think that is huge for us right now. 'Til this time, we've been used to thinking pressure means God is resisting us, change directions, yield, surrender, listen better. But that's not now.

Now it's time we learn to persevere. Now it's time we learn that some things are worth the pain and wait and pressing in. That 'great works' will require a life laid down, for life. Now's the time that we learn that not only can we not do it without Him as some exterior overseeing Divine force, but that we can't do it from a central place of ourselves... we can't do it with out Him at our core and center living OUT of us. Yep, now's the time we finally really learn that it's not about us.

But God is near to the lowly and broken-hearted. Yesterday morning I woke up to Misty Edward's song Servant of All in my head, and I think I must have played it for an hour and a half on repeat. I'm seeking to press in and embrace, knowing that in allowing my heart to face this truth and pain, I'll find a greater treasure in the place He promised He can be found. I want to be like Christ. And I want to love Him and know His love.



I've been here before, maybe not here exactly, but someplace that had the same chill... and I remember how He led me through it. I treasure what happened between Him and I in that time. So, Lord, here we go again. Thank you. Thank you for your whispers, and for choosing me. I can feel the love stirring.