Tonight my heart is aching. It's true. I'm feeling past my ability, feeling beyond my own strength to keep trusting, hoping, dreaming, believing... and yet, I know He will give me more. Guess I'm going to need a second portion to make it past.
My sister Kristin knows I am a bit of a massachist. I hate pain, and yet, I love it. Even right now, I feel like I want nothing more than my bed. I can feel myself shutting down, my arms and hands feel weak. And yet- I have this strange little impression somewhere inside that knows "I'm going to grow." This is good. "Thank You for this. This is exactly what I need next."
I love pain, because I know I'm at a limit and I'm going where I haven't yet. It's true. I love feeling sore the day after a good workout, because it means I worked my body harder than it has before. It means I'll be able to go further the next time. It means I'm growing. Every one of my worst memories and deepest pains have brought depth to my heart and valuable lessons. They've taught me gentleness, forgiveness and trust. They've engrained in my heart that God will fight for me, when I'm too weak to do anything but lay on my face on my bedroom floor.
I know that regardless of everything else, all the things I have no control over, He'll make a way for me. He's my Defender. It's true.
PS, I ordered the new Will Regean & United Pursuit Band cd a few days ago... I came home late tonight and found it sitting at my door. Track 5 so far and I am so overwhelmed by how perfect the timing is, how perfect God's timing is. The cry of these songs is the cry in my heart right now- the desperate cry... the one I need to hear repeated in my ears tonight.
Aw, He is faithful and so perfectly real.
I love His promise to be near the meek and lowly, the broken and contrite. I always take comfort in that when I start to see things crumble. I know He will be close. And I know when He's close, I change.
I'm learning the real power of the blood of Christ... what it means for me every moment and breath. Thank you Father.
(OH MAN- THESE SONGS!!! I can't even believe it! Track 6!)
3 comments:
Little sister. Your inner strength is beautiful. I pray that you are blessed with so much better than the possible blessings you were tempted to cling to but obediently let go of. Do not let your heart be heavy too long. It's almost Christmas. And without you, we have no Christmas spirit!
Littlest sister. You may enjoy the pain, but I'm going crazy watching you have to endure it. I think its high time some folks share in your pain with you, and I'm more than willing to distribute it around. Your pain should not be at the expense of others stupidity. I made a threat over a text message many months ago and I haven't forgotten ;-)
Aw Kimmers, my pain is not at the expense of other's stupidity. No worries. I love having big sisters that want to care for me though- I'm so blessed! And don't worry about that threat ;)
Love you!!
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